Knowing is simply impossible...


Feeling invisible


Completely unimaginable...


-- Walking a straight line, slightly to the left. Knees bent, heart weak, mind open.


If you held my hand for only a moment


I'd be lost


For that moment would be our last.

If I could have just a single wish
I think I’d want to see
exactly what you’re looking at
when you’re watching me.

I hear my taunting mirror
SHOUTING
hung backwards on my wall
All my imperfections
Broken
Shattered from the fall.

I fear not so much the physical
but the emotional wreck inside

—

You say i’m inspirational
beautiful
and
magical

What I see is horrible
terrible
and
nonsensical

Overly dramatic
Buried in my dreams
thinking quite sparatically
nothing’s as it seems

I’ll break your heart
It’s inevitable

You’ll never be the same

I’m nothing but bad news
Quite negligible

Another pawn of this game.

—

If I could have just a single wish
I think I’d want to see
exactly what you’re looking at
when you’re watching me.

I don't want to be your addiction.

Irresistably a sin

A crime of passion was committed.

Like a drug I'm in again

Strung out and codependent

Barely standing

All alone

I don't want to be your addiction

Give up and just go home.

There's always someone waiting

Another lie rolls off your tongue

You hide all the evidence well

No one knows I'm the drug you've done.

There are no scars to be noticed

No track marks on your skin

Perhaps a few scratches on your back

Just from my fingers digging in.

I don't want to be your addiction

To be the reason for all your lies

But I know you'll never stop abusing... me

I can see it in your bloodshot eyes.

Can you hear me scream these words?


Am I coming through loud and clear?


The answers are insignificant.


The questions are what I fear.


I'll keep my sorrow to myself


Don't worry I won't intrude


I am not here to impose upon


Or ask you to uproot.


A little time and patience


Some carefully considered words


A moment just to have each other


To find all there is to learn


Perhaps some more will come of this


We'll fall for each other entirely


But for now, I'll take just what we have


And cherish each moment completely

I yearn to lay naked before you


Exposed for all that I am


Covered in scars

Bruises, a deep green

Swollen eyes
...
and a broken heart


Clothed in fear instead, I stand before you


my smile, my shield


laughing to hide the pain

refusing to admit blame


Behind closed doors I cry outloud

Craving your shelter

Beaten and bound


Please accept my confessions

my truth and my sorrow


...and I pray that you will still forever
love me tomorrow.

Its always an eventuality

Ripped from fantasy into reality

I've come to expect the certainty

That forever I will be lonely


Standards are lowered

More to give, less to take

Back to the way it was

Forever just another mistake


Perhaps one day

I'll consider this logically


An acid trip

through my destroyed psyche


I lived a nice high temporarily

Before it ended so promptly

Leaving me feeling quite queasy

Curled on the floor remembering vaguely


Simply insignificant

In the bigger scheme of things

Worthless and unimportant

Lost in my own 
writhings.

I fit the mold perfectly

drugged up and hung daintly

upside down to view plainly

On display so painfully


One heartstring

played beautifully


Another conspiring

quite loudly


An eventuality

From fantasy to reality

Expecting the certainty

Forever

Lonely.

Oh what I'd give...

to live in my dreams

where everything's perfect

and just as it seems


There are no hidden meanings

or broken hearts

nothing left unanswered

straight forward from the start


but...


Here in reality

I can barely breathe

my heart has stopped beating

and I no longer believe


There is no hope

no cure for this cause

Just a heartbroken misfit

holding onto love that once was


Oh what I'd give...

to live in my dreams

where everything's perfect

and just as it seems


If I could sleep forever

In my dreams I'd be a queen

In a castle on a hillside

covered in flowers amongst green


I'd have the King I’d always dreamt of

His love I'd never question

with a smile there would be no doubt

I am the object of his affection


yet...


Forever is impossible

Reality has it's hold

I am alive and wide awake

fearing the untold


I share a world with others

some surviving just fine

Those who can't handle it

simply give up and resign


I've written my resignation

and several times thrown it away

wasted sheets of apologies

never knowing how to explain


Oh what I'd give...

to live in my dreams

where everything's perfect

and just as it seems

Drown the sound of the outside world

Play your music loud


In my head we dance

Like there's no one else around


I can feel your hands placed upon my hips

The beat is fast, but our feet are quick


Seperated we move to a different drum

No rhythm inside, mindless and numb


Together as one, a Rockstar explodes

Breaking the stereotypical molds.


Hearts pounding, exhausted we'll fall...

Together we'll dance

The greatest dance of all...

This is not a game.


Not just some whim of
-what ever the ******* feel like-


This is real.

Unreal.


Yet so real.


Is my trigger finger shaky?
Are these suicidal thoughts of the irregular kind?


It is not death I face...
...at least only inevitably.


How could one irrational decision hold so much weight?


Why is it even a decision when logic should be erased from the start?


This is not a game.
So why do I feel like a pawn?

I've always believed that "never"

was one of those forbidden words


Until I met you though,

"forever" never was


Then sometimes when I close my eyes


I wish there never were


Those moments when I realize,

you'll forever be with her.


I never thought I'd be that girl

Waiting on the side


Watching as my forever love

takes on another bride


So now I know without a doubt


"Never" is very real.


For I'll never have that moment


When I know how forever feels.

Years ago I swore to myself that I'd never fall in love again.


Betrayed.


How can you trust anyone if you're unable to yourself?


I cannot catch my breath anymore

watching from the window as you go about your life

holding hands and dancing

smiling and laughing


I brought you flowers this time...


I'll just leave them here on your front step.


You are happy.


Who am I to ruin that with my sad eyes?

I hold my breath a minute too long

Waiting for that crash to come

Instinct takes over

Ignoring my heart

Working against me

As I'm falling apart


Why can't I let this lifetime go

And simply float away

Removing myself from my body

Never living another day.


If suffocation cannot save me

Then perhaps I cannot die

I'll lay here for eternity

As the world just passes by.


The days are now a dull black and white

Sometimes awful shades of grey

Yet no matter how I beg for it

I cannot slip away


If only I could close my eyes

And will my heart to stop

This battle would be quickly over

My victory on top

When everything is dark and quiet

I'll hold my breath again

And pray for mercy on my heart

That the pain will finally end.

Headstrong


versus


Heart-song


waging war upon my senses


What I want

and what I need

A battle of great proportions


Almost as though I had you in my grasp


I lost it


Almost just as fast


The weapons used

hand made and raw

the most brutal of devices

most painful of them all.


None will survive


the blood will stain my skin

I am forever trapped inside


my walls


no longer thin.


With one last option

The destroyed lifeforce reacts


A last ditch effort

There is no turning back


Saliva dripping from my lips

Brain rendered useless by the heart broken battleships


The end of pains


An empty vessel

A heartless soul

A mindless body

all that remains

I wrote this letter

I was going to give to you

later in the day


But since I've written

I've decided that

There's still things I'm not ready to say


Until that time

I'll fold it so

and hide it somewhere safe


Then when I'm ready

I'll face my fears

And try my hardest to be brave


Within this letter

are heartfelt words

said with the strongest of passion


Yet hurtful 
in the worst of ways

carrying a terrible burden


There are lies that course

through the invisible ink

penned across this tattered paper


Just remember

when you read these words

its my strongest form of armor


I wrote this letter

I was going to give to you

but instead I threw it away


Because since I've written

I've decided that

These are things I'm not strong enough to say

When one falls in Love, we must be careful of our reasoning.


Are we falling for their gorgeous eyes?

   ...the iridescent barrier to their soul...


Is it their smooth skin drawing us in?

   ...the touch we crave continueously...


Does their body control our sensations?
   
...the shapely curves or sharp features...


So what happens when those dissapear?
Will Love suddenly be something we must have mistaken something else to be?


Through the looking glass,

I see your face.

I hear your voice.

I feel your soul.


Breathless when you smile


The risk we take.

The thrill of the ride.

The end of NOTHING...


...that NEVER was.