Do others try this hard?
Sinking in my bed when they all seem to fly
To the east
To the west
To the stars
I'm in the dark


Do others try this hard?
Giving it my all when I know it's not enough
I try and
I try and
I try to
Stay in touch

But it's too late I missed my chance
I'll have to start all over again


Do others try this hard?
What I want shouldn't be a mystery
But to live
To laugh and
To love are
Things so foreign to me

It's exhausting all this searching
Don't make me start all over again


Do others try this hard?
Squeezing out answers even when it hurts
While my chest
My head and
My throat all
Close up 'till I burst

In the end they never understand
I don't want to start over again

I don't want anything.

My whole life
I've been waiting for that one person
to
Fling the front doors of my heart open and
break down the walls I've worked so hard to build
Like the movies we all grew up on.
But now I see my walls shouldn't be torn down
They just need a gate
and a sensible gatekeeper

Bursting chest and swallowed salty streams
Bouncing knee caps and silent scraping screams
This is all I've ever been
This is all I've ever known
Only in heartache and loneliness
Will I ever find a home

I've never had
more than one dainty little sip of beer
and I've never been under
the influence of anything other
than the very loud and contradicting voices in my head.

So every time
the smell of smoke makes my body itch
for a cigarette between my lips
or for maybe even one real kiss
The voices take charge and I stay safe
in my head.

I've never had
more than one dainty little sip of life
And I don't intend on having another.

But what would happen mother
If I let myself exist?

My pants are tight,
Tighter than ever.
I used to slip into them just fine,
Now I hold my breath.

The truth is a hard pill to swallow,
And I swallow it everyday.
Two of them actually,
In the morning, just after I eat.

I should think after all these years,
Some things would seep into the bloodstream.
But truths can take a lifetime to digest,
If the stomach won't cooperate.

So I'm left somewhere in between,
Like always.

Take a closer look and you'll see
Little boxes float inside me

I'd like to believe they hold my truth
But seeing as they're trapped in boxes
I don't have much proof

Each box has it's own route
An orbit
And my heart is the sun,
Forever destined to spiral in
Neverending loops
It's all part of the fun

Will I ever be able to crack open
The purple shell
And see what's inside?
Or will I forever be afraid
To open my eyes?

No one is going to love you
No one
The words repeat in my head
Like a lullaby
That is how I fall asleep
Did you know?
Each word is a knife in my back
No one is going to love you
No one

No one is going to love you
No one
In the silence between words
The knife slides out
Only to be quickly jabbed back in
Again
Like a lullaby
No one
is going
to love
you
No
one

I want somebody to want my love.
I want somebody who thinks
my love is worthy
and that I am worthy of theirs.
I want to know that I'm ok

It's all lies.
All the flies and the spies
You sent came back misadvised
You thought maybe
You can deserve somthing more
Maybe your worth saving
If your vulnerable enough to explore
The shores and the locked doors
Curiously waiting
Constantly aching
It's all lies
Those thoughts and your hearts
Show you parts you never wanted to find
You'd stay blind for the rest of your life
If you could.
The light can't burn
If you shut you eyes
It's all lies
It's all lies
It's all lies

The only reason people like you
Is because you put them
First.
Don't forget that.
Don't lose sight of what keeps you alive.
Is that a threat? I asked
Only if you want it to be
It answered

Why?
I don't get it.
Why would you want to be with someone
Who doesn't want to be with themselves?

Is it sad that
Whenever you say my name
It reminds me that I'm
Here?
That I exist?

I'm not here.
Close my eyes and repeat it
Again and again.
I'm not here.
If I was here,
I would be torn
Apart
But I'm not
here.
So no need to worry
About hiding tears
Being swallowed by
Fears
Because I'm not here.
Say it again with me,
I'm not here.

But what happens If
that feeling comes again and
you do
want to be there?
I do
want to be here.
What happens then?
Can I bear it?
my squirming insides
My cut flesh
My beating heart
Beating so fast
So quiet
And loud all at the same time.

Don't you dare tell me I'm getting better

Let me see
If this "love" thing
Exists.

My brain says no
My heart says please
And my soul says

wait and see

This is what happens when you think you deserve something.
This.
Sitting on the toilet seat cover
Crying your guts out
Thinking you can get something other
Than what you have.

Hearing my name
Coming from new
Lips
Is always a strange thing.
Feeling a new name
Coming from my own
Lips
Is stranger still.
And what would happen if
they touched?

I wish my brain
would stop being such a squirmy toddler
and just sit still for a moment.
I'm starting to feel tired
like a parent yelling at a tantruming child
In a crowded supermarket.
Will you just tell me
what you want from me?

On second thought
maybe I'm the child.

Waves of loneliness,
Seasons of emptiness,
Stay a while
Then leave.
But I fear
as I go on,
the globe burns
into an eternal summer
and the seas rise
never to
fall
Again.

I'm seeing myself from the outside.
I'm seeing myself
from the outside.
I'm singing myself to sleep.
I'm seeing myself fall to deep
Again.
I'm seeing myself from the outside.
I'm feeling how they felt.
I'm feeling
How they felt,
And I feel so bad.
I feel
So bad.
I put them through this,
Now I'm putting myself
Through this.
I'm choosing to sit and watch everything,
To listen to the crying.
I'm seeing myself from the outside.
She will get out of it, I know,
But will I?

How you love being
Forgotten,
How you love being
Set aside,
Don't you love being
the one
who's always left behind?

It's what makes you
Special
It's what makes you
Kind
Always being second best,
It's the only way
To survive.

The world spins
Not my head.
I should remember that.

Your fake
And your jealous
Why can't you be like her?
Lying on the floor crying
Why can't you feel like her?
Absorbing everything till it
hurts
Please explain
Why does nothing shake your heart
Like it used to?
How does the night not force you into hiding
Like it used to?

I want to go back to how it used to
Be

What do you do
When you can't
cry?
What do you do
When you can't
Help?
What do you do
When there's no place
to go?
Your not stuck with anyone
but your self.

The only kind of fight
That can numb pain
instead of causing more of it
Is a snow fight

All the tension
All the anger
All the exhaustion
All the self hatred

Just freeze in the air

And your surrounded with
screeming and laughter
Running and ducking
Aiming and throwing

I haven't had a snow fight
In a long time
It was a nice surprise.

I'll use the rain
To dry my face
My eyes are damp
Already
A little more water
Should hide the pain
I'll show them I'm still
Steady

We're all just people
Walking through life
imploding and exploding
Simultaneously
In every given moment

So this is what jealousy feels like?
Solid in my bones
Burning in my veins
Isn't this what you wanted?
To feel new kinds of pain?

So this is what connection feels like?
Deep in my heart
Messing up my brain
But this is what I wanted.
I'll forever need the pain.

I wish I could write
I'm sick of searching and finding nothing inside
I wish the words would actually cooperate
And not hide
I'm sick of saying the same things
over
and over
and over again

Why do I even try to rhyme?
It's obviously pointless.
All I've done is waste my time

See
I've run out of them already.

I feel empty
My mind should be a calm lake but
Instead
It's a stormy sea of
Nothing.

Words are a very stubborn thing
Only coming out of hiding when forced
I'm a bully waiting by the swings
Just let me write without remorse

It seems the words won't be giving in
without a fight.
I should get comfortable,
No doubt I'll be here all night.

Pride means nothing
If you feel like
You don't
exist

Spring will fall
Summer will freeze
Nothing will matter
Could you calm down please?

I crush my dreams
Before reality can catch
Up.
I win the race
But always end up losing.

Sometimes I wish I was a
Bird.
But then I think,
who am I kidding?
I wouldn't trust my own
Wings.

One of these days
my heart will escape my rib cage
And my lungs will choke my throat
My ears will whisper lies
And tell me it's time to go.

I'm back in my bed
Just like I was six hours ago
Just like I was this whole week
All I do these days is just
Sleep and sleep and sleep

I'm not afraid of dying
I'm afraid of living.
The concept of mortality
Doesn't phase me
But knowing
I will have to live through
unbearable pain
And come out "stronger"
Keeps me up at night.
But I don't really have a choice
Do I?

The wind from outside
The wind from inside
Nothing to see
Nothing to hide
My heart is cold
My body on fire
The night is awake
The night won't tire
My eyes will close
My back will fall
The birds won't know
The birds won't call
The dark it consumes
The dark it ignites
My hope from the dark
My hope from the light

I miss the winter.
When the cold
Was my only source of
heat.

I miss the nighttime.
When the dark
Was my only source of
light.

I miss the wounds.
When the pain
Was my only source of
Sensation.

I miss the emptiness.
When the void
Was my only source of
Comfort.

Sitting.
Running.
Breathing.
Alone on the bus.
Tears and blood
In the chaos
My whole insides
Smudged on my fingers.
On this page.

Lines make
Letters make
Sounds make
Syllables make
Words make
Up the whole entire universe
Which means everything I know
Is nonsense
That was made up by
Someone who was made up by
Words that were made up by
Syllables that were made up by
Sounds that were made up by
Letters that were made up by
Lines

I hate waking up,
                                   I hate falling asleep
And I hate
             everything in between.

The lights
Are too bright
For my eyes
For my heart
For me.
But which me?

The point of all this
Isn't to be happy
I realize that now.
So I ask
What is?

I don't want to change.
I don't
And I can't.
I'm fine.
I'm fine the way I am.
Leave me alone
'Cause I'm fine
And your fine too.
We're all fine.
Yay
What a wonderful world.

Orli,
Your scars are showing.
Orli,
Your movements are slowing
Orli,
Your eyes are red and blurring.
Orli,
Your brain is overflowing.

You can't let them see.
You can't let them know.

Orli,
Your scars are showing.