It's been awhile
dust has formed a layer that cannot so easily be wiped away
but to me that is proof
I used writing
I used poetry
It was my comfort zone for when the wind was so harsh
for when I was being knocked down
but now
I am constant
I am solid
I am actually good

Before we go too far there are a few things that I need you to know.
I need you to know that when I drive I grip the steering wheel tighter, but only with my right hand.
If I knew why my left hand was so nonchalant about the whole ordeal I would force my right hand to think the same.
I need you to know that coffee makes me shake,
It makes me shake to the point where I feel my ribcage start to clatter,
but if I do drink it it's gotta have at least a gallon of creamer in it.
I need you to remind me to ask for no tomatoes at restaurants.
Otherwise, that one small needless thought will throw me off all day.
The same can be said for mushrooms at green olives,
and if you like any of those nasty things that I just listed
I will happily throw them across the table and scowl while you eat.
I need you to know I was taught to not talk about politics or religion
So I don't,
but I gonna real quick.
Because sometimes my opinions are forced out of me and,
I need you to be on my side in that argument.
I am pro-choice because a woman has a right to her own body and,
when I was ***** the looming threat of having a baby
I was too young to want or take care of ate me up for two months.
Before I got my period.
If you ask me if the Black Lives Matter movement makes any sense
I'll tell you yes because black lives have to matter
before all lives can.
And if you ask me about religion I'll tell you what I tell everyone.
I was born and raised catholic.
I even went to Catholic school for 10 years,
and I still go to church on Sundays.
Not because I'm a believer,
but because an hour of my time
is not worth as much as an hour of my grandpa's.
But if there is a God.
He sure is one crooked *******,
because he took my grandma away from me when I was 9.
And I've been suffering from depression ever since.
I need you to know that my field of ***** is barren,
but if you really need me to care.
I will go out and cultivate the field until I can give you one.
I need you to know that I got my mom's vocal cords.
Which means that my volume button is stuck on really loud.
I remember in school I used to be able to hear her from the top floor
The say way I could hear her heels clicking as she came after me.
You should hear my mom and I fight.
It sounds like two marching bands clashing together.
That is why sometimes my dad tells me to be quiet,
because he heard that same voice screaming at him in court,
while he was fighting for custody of me.
I need you to know that I sleep with three pillows.
One behind my head and one on each side.
That way no matter how much I toss and turn
I always have something to hold.
I need you to know that my brother in my saving grace and,
I'm not ashamed to say he is my best friend.
Because we've lived through the same trauma.
The only difference is his dad didn't have the courage to stay.
He may be half my blood,
but he is my full-fledged family, and I will always be there for him
I need you to know that my car's name is Fred.
He's a 2009 Standard shift Ford Fusion,
and I've rolled all his corners.
I've kept him running all these years because my dad bought him
and the insurance he paid was expensive
So I'm gonna get his money's worth
I need you to know that I remember all of my dreams,
and I mean all.
The medication I take has made it so my vivid imagination sticks.
I need you to know that Water Off a Ducks Back is my motto
I don't do conflict,
but if and when it arises I cut it off at the source
I need you to know that uncomfortable situations hurt me.
Like a deep real physical pain
I can't handle awkwardness.
Even in tv shows and movies
I need you to know that on my 17th birthday I cried,
because I was scared of turning 18
I have an overwhelming fear of the future.
I need you to know that I am a spelling bee champion,
and I will correct you.
No matter how much I love you.
So don't make me turn teacher on you.
I need you to know that I laugh, wheeze and, snort all the time
It is the most common thing I do.
I make more dumb jokes in a day then you could wish to ever hear
I think I'm hilarious,
but it has been proven otherwise.
I need you to know that all dogs are puppies
and all puppies are cute
I need you to agree to become the world's animal shelter
Not just dogs
I'm talkin
Raccoon Snakes to
Karma Chameleon to
Bugs Bunny
because I will happily be the world's zookeeper
I need you to know that I want to travel the entire world
and do it all from the comfort of my bed.
I need you to know I bite my nails.
a lot
chronically
and it's so bad that my nail beds are permanently damaged
You could compare the rivets in my nails
to outcasting ripples in the water.
I need you to know I pull my hair out.
Literally
I have Trichotillomania and OCD tics out the *****.
So when I get stressed
and you see my hand move to the back of my head
I need you to hit me
hard
and without hesitation
I need you to know I went through an emo faze
and that's as much as I'm gonna get into it.
I need you to know that you scare me
more than the dark
and yes I'm afraid of the dark,
but only because my mind has tricked me into thinking
that a monster watches me while I take out the trash.
I need you to know why I'm telling you these things
because without reason we are lost.
I need you to know
I will happily trade out one of my pillows for you,
and I will happily give you all the food I don't like
I need you to know
that I won't hold your spelling errors against you.
I need you to know that Fred is the third wheel,
and my brother doesn't mind taking the backseat especially
if he knows I've found someone worthy to ride shotgun.
I need you to know
that you and the future may be two of my greatest fears
but our future together brings me so much hope.
I saying all of this because it's who I am
and what I do
and it will probably never change
but I will happily add you to anything I do because,
I need you.

I predict that 5 years from now we will still be friends
But 10 years from now our past will have finally caught up
Memories of high school drifting into our dreams
I predict that what we thought would happen in Biology class
Will happen at our reunion
Even though we do not need to be reintroduced
We have not lost touch
I told you I liked you at your fifteenth birthday party
And months later you started dating my best friend from middle school
I had no heartbreak I had moved on
Your sixteenth birthday party after my friend had not only broken
Your heart but also mine
You told me you had made a mistake
That if you could go back a year you would make a different choice
But I didn’t like you like that anymore
The pain still throbbed in my chest from my break up the day before
He texted me and it was over
That night I called you and we were laughing as you comforted me
We were both alone again
But the tables had turned the innocence in our hearts had faded
After the pain came through and swept our hope away
You told me that you would be there
and you were
And I always loved you for that
I loved our friendship
How we had taken our miseries and twisted them into a story
That we still laugh about to this day
I don’t know why I have this prediction
It’s a thought that has crossed my mind the older we get
The more you comfort me after every breakup
The more I realize you have not been with someone since
It makes me wonder if she broke your heart and you were afraid
Or if you were waiting for me to realize that I was the one who fixed it
I can’t be with you now
I’m not ready
But the memories of high school drift through my window
In the night along with the sound of your voice over the phone
We talk every day
And I do love you
As more than a friend
But I am afraid you will make the same mistake you did last time
Choosing her over me
I do not want to be the backup
I do not want to be the second choice
I want to be what you want in the morning after you wake up
I want your smile to be mine to cherish
I want to go back to first-period Biology class
Just so I can remake the past so that you don’t choose her
So that he didn’t find me
So that we were with each other
So that neither of us had to feel heartbreak
I want to be with you
And I know you want to be with me
I know one day we will be together
But I know that this is not our time

I have been told that as a woman in the twenty-first century
I have the ability to build an entire civilization on the tips of my fingers
That I have the strength in one breath to make mountains bend like tree limbs in a hurricane
That I can make the world a better place for not just myself but for everyone
That I have the power to fight my own battles and walk a road that I pave with my own hands
That I am so amazing I can make a room gasp in awe and wonder when I walk through the door
That I am so cool I don’t have to go to school but I have the choice to be there if I want to
That I am beautiful no matter what shape or size I come in because the packaging doesn’t matter
That I am smart enough to make my own decisions based on what I want
That I am brave enough to stand tall in the face of my own fears
That I can touch the stars and put them in my pockets to pull back out on rainy days when sunlight is gone
That I have the power to brighten a room with one glimmer of my tooth peeking through a sad smile
That I can do anything I set my mind to
I can be whoever and whatever I want whenever I want because I am a woman
But I am not the only one who has these abilities
I think that we have all spent too much time compensating in the past
That we are tipping the scales too much
And changing the future
Not for the better
Women
Are not the only strong ones
We each face our everyday lives the best we can
We all have our own skills and abilities
We can break entire cities with our words and repair them with our love
We can make and break bonds like chemical reactions
Keeping things together with our strong nuclear force
We are kinetic
Never stop moving and changing
We are bull-headed and stubborn when what we believe in
Is at risk of being shattered
We are all amazing, cool, strong, beautiful, brave, powerful
We are makers and breakers
We are all human
And we’re all as powerful as we want to be

I’m scared to write poetry at school
Because the other kids might look at my computer screen while I type
And see the thoughts on my screen in size 12 Times New Roman font
Because one day I may drop my journal
Just for some lackluster football player to pick it up and see
My heart poured onto the pages
In lines and phrases
And see my name and phone number at the top of the page
And realize who I am and what I’m hiding
I’m scared of writing poetry at home
Because my mother may walk in and see me staring
As if my one redeeming quality lies hidden in the cracks and lines of the plaster of my wall
Because my father may see me scribbling on a notebook page at the dinner table
With glazed eyes holding back tears of the pain
And the stories I’ve kept from him to make sure
That one day when I leave his house I will still be his baby girl
The same one he brought into this world
Because one day my older brother may walk up to me on the living room couch
When no one else is home and ask me what I’m doing
As I reply
Homework
And as he walks away he may see me slam my computer in a frustrated rage
That he never thought I could have at my age
I’m scared to write poetry in the library
Because the vicious clacking of my keyboard keys may attract the attention
Of the lonely librarian who just wants to keep the peace of her quite place
Because when she goes home to her family her loud grandchildren scream with all their might
But she still puts up with it because the only time she sees them
Is when her ungrateful children need a babysitter
And her husband asks her what’s for dinner over and over forgetting the answer
As she expects a different question to arise from his lips.
Because one day at the library someone might ask about the tears running down my face
As I type and pour my soul into each and every word
As I stain my notebook with the salty water seeping from deep within
I’m scared of writing poetry
Because one day when I’m not looking
Someone will look at my screen and read what I have to say
Or someone will look at my notebook and see the different colored scribbles and soggy pages
Because they will read what I think what I know and what I believe
Because them knowing what’s going on in my head
Means that they can judge me
And take guesses at who I am when the darkness creeps back into my heart
And the fog rolls over my brain
Because they won’t just think they will know what’s happened to me
Because one day I will be dead and my children and grandchildren
will see what I was going through at their age
They will learn of my mistakes and hidden flaws they
And they will see what I have to say
And they will think differently of me
I’m afraid to write poetry
But that doesn't mean I will stop
Because the thoughts in my head only come out clearly when in the lines of a poem
Because expressing what I’m thinking and letting the voices out of my head
Is the only way I can understand how I feel
Because of my anger and happiness and sadness
Because I love it

My generation
will be known for
Abortion Laws
Fortnight
And Youtube Drama
Being the first to know there are more than 2 genders
And being some of the last to know a time
Where same *** marriage didn’t exist
The last ones to grow up with
Box tvs
And flip phones
The first to dream of playing video games
for a living
And not only touching the stars
But being one
We will be known
for wanting to Die
We will be known as a depression statistic
And a suicide rate
We will be remembered as the ones
Who used our words incorrectly
Starving instead of
Hungry
Depressed instead of
Sad
Happiness is a
Lie
We are a generation of
Thieves
Miscreants
Liars
Losers
And harsh words
We are not forgiving
Or understanding
We do not listen
We interrupt
We jump to conclusions
We are racist
Sexist
and Homophobic
We will be remembered as the ones glued to our phones
tablets
And laptops
We are careless with others' feelings
And careful to not get caught
We are cold and darring
We are annoying and stupid
We are so many things
But loving
doesn’t seem to be one of our qualities
If we loved
We would have to think before we act
We would have to put others before ourselves
And have respect for everyone
We would have to realize that words
Cut deeper than daggers that slice vital organs
And make us bleed
as if we have nothing left to lose
We are young
We are thoughtless
ungrateful
And cruel
Plucking hope and pride
like it’s the wings of a fly
Taking away basic human rights
Like a toy in the sandbox
We
Are generation Z
The last of our kind
Fingers crossed

I like to gamble
I play blackjack on my phone sometimes
It’s easy that’s why I like it
Not many rules but still a game of chance
But I’m 15
So it’s sort of illegal for me to gamble
only by 3 years
But when I was ***** I was 13
So the age of consent 3 years away
All the same
I like to gamble
Sometimes I’ll stay home from school
With no rhyme or reason
Just depression of the season
But I won’t text any of my friends
for the first few classes of the day
That way I can see their responses
And see if they wonder if I’m ok
My mom doesn’t ask question
Just a tear or two
And new hairdo
Doesn’t seem to grab her attention
I like to gamble
One time I dyed my hair red to black ombré
And came home with a belly button ring
It took her a week to notice the new color
And she still hasn’t noticed the metal
She hasn’t noticed the scars either
I like to gamble
Sometimes I’ll steal alcohol from the liquor cabinets of my home
And I’ll sneak out my window and into my friend's car
I like to gamble
Standing on the edge of a tall building
The wind blowing through my hair
And down my spine making me shiver
Wondering what would happen if I were to just move an inch
Wishing I would just move an inch
I like to gamble
But I’m not very good at it cards, money it’s all the same
Alcohol, death it’s just a game
Maybe if I quit it won’t save
And I could start a whole new level
Get rid of the pain
Because I like to gamble
with life and death
Because it’s worth as much as the money on my phone
Coins that you’ll never hear clang
It’s just a game
I like to gamble
Sometimes I won’t take my medicine
Just to see how much it changes
The feelings it exchanges
For depression
I don’t like taking it to friends houses
Because they can see me swallow my happiness
It’s not something I’m proud of
I like to gamble
One time I had a thought about poking a hole in a ******
That my boyfriend and I were about to use
Just to see if next month I would bleed
Just to see if a month from that day I would walk up to him
And say
Congratulations
A new pediatrics patient
I like to gamble
But I’ve played all my cards
I stare at the dealer
Like I’m staring at the stars
In wonder and awe
Confused and deranged
Isn’t it strange
How a game holds so much sway
But the only thing I don’t like about the game
Is the steep price I have to pay

If you take pride in another’s misfortune then what does that make you other than cruel.
If you take hope and twist it into something that feels more like pain then doesn’t that make you a thief.
You took something pure and innocent and you made it feel like sandpaper in someone else’s throat.
You turned the butterflies in my stomach into rattling door hinges.
You took the best parts of me and made them yours.
You made them something that I am afraid of.
Something I am insecure of.
You took the air out of my lungs and used it to keep your heart and blood pumping.
You took my smile and made it your comfort tool.
You took my hair and made it my leash.
Something to hold and drag me by as you order things of me that scare me more than spiders and the dark.
You stole my blood and made it yours to boil.
You took my hands, my arms, and legs, my mind, and heart
and turned them into pieces of a doll for you to position and move at your own will.
You took my body.
My soul,
but
You planted me a garden.
You built me a house.
You gave me a purpose.
When people asked why I stayed.
Why I didn’t say no or push you away.
It was because of the hours and hours of phone calls.
The numerous text messages and sweet notes that had rooted deep in my stomach.
It was because I never noticed that you were only growing weeds.
It was because I didn’t know that you had locked the door.
It was because I didn’t know anything else.
This is not love.
Or is it?
My first time wasn’t my choice.
I can’t change that so why try.
But now when people touch me.
When fingers run up and down my body.
All I feel are the door hinges rattling again in my stomach
All I want to do is crawl out of my own skin.
All I ever wanted to do was escape.
but here I am almost 3 years later,
Fifteen years old.
My boyfriend is afraid to touch me.
His fear is valid just like mine,
but when he kisses me.
It feels different.
I no longer mistake anxiety for butterflies,
because now I know the difference
He doesn't move his hand up my skirt while at the movies.
He holds my hand as I rest my head on his shoulders.
He doesn’t take my consent,
I give it to him freely.
He doesn't attach me to strings
just so he can pull them at his own behest,
and use me as his puppet.
He asks me if I am OK,
and I am,
but only because it’s him.
Because this is love,
and I may be young,
but I know that when he holds me.
When he kisses me.
When he asks my opinions,
and laughs at my jokes,
and thinks I am beautiful.
No matter what face I make or whether or not I wear makeup.
That I am
Safe.