E - Hello Poetry

E 2d

I'm starting to think
none of it matters
we all are going
to die either way

So who really cares
about who I kiss
or who I love
or what pronouns I use

I'll like what I like
whether that be painting
or maybe crocheting
or exercising

I'll like who I like
and be who I want to be
because really what does it matter
me saying I'm a boy and not a girl
when we all die anyway?

One day all our bones
will be buried in the earth
or already gone
so what does it matter
if I don't fit the norm?

I'm not hurting anyone
by standing outside
of your strict rules
regarding gender and love

Love who you want to
we only have so much time
why waste all of it
hating other people
for something that they
never really chose?

E 5d

Would You Remember?

Sometimes I wonder
If you'd even remember
What you did

I think you cared
Once
But that was a while ago

Before you took everything from me
My heart, soul, and name
And left me without even the memory of you

E 6d

An Empty Chair

What does it mean
when it's
the therapist's chair
that's empty?

Maybe an accident
but the rope
the knife
the pills

It wasn't
an accident
a mistake, maybe
but no accident

Is it selfish
to wish they hadn't
the only one
you could tell

Is it
my fault?
Did I spill
too much?

How many times
did I
break down
in that office?

On that couch
in that room
crying my heart out
while she just... nodded.

Could I have
seen it
if I just
looked?

Maybe if I
just stayed
a little longer
asked...

But what if's
don't change the past
even if
I wish

I wish
doesn't erase
the date
on that headstone

My tears
won't bring her back
it's not even
my pain...

It hurts
but I can't
place
why

Am I
the one to
blame?
or just another puzzle piece?

If I could
just go back
follow the lines
could I fix it?

untangle the strings
uncover the lies
blow out the candle
fill the chair again

by anonymous
I miss her. Not like a friend but as a mentor. She always felt so much stronger than me and now she's just... gone. Wish I could still visit her grave... but it's too far now. Maybe some day.

#grief #loss #therapist #therapy #suicide #mourning

E 6d

Hidden Tears

I want to cry
but I can't
because then you'd see
and I don't think
I could bear to see
the pain in your eyes
knowing you're worried
about me

So I pull back
hide away
pull my hood up
say I'm fine
and walk quickly
careful, not too fast
to the bathroom
and quietly
the tears fall

I've learned how
to hide it by now
a bit of cold water
just a bit of time
and you'd never know
I can't let you see
that I can't
hold it together

That I'm falling apart
and it's not your fault
it's not anyone's
not really
I just can't
stop
worrying

But that's my job
isn't it?
to worry
protect
take care of
so why
why does it hurt?
why can't I
stop crying?

I think
maybe
it'll be fine
just laugh
and smile
a bit of concealer
and they won't know
I didn't sleep

Carefully timed
showers and
washing clothes
More ramen cups
in the trash
than anything else
trying to hold it together

Just drink another cup
down more coffee
and get back to it
another assignment
another hug
more comforting words
You can do it
keep it together
just a little longer

Maybe it wouldn't
fall apart
if I did
but I can't
risk that
risk
a funny word
so small
for so much
like me
holding more
then it can

Maybe one day
it'll be fine
the pills
the therapy
maybe it will
finally help
but for now
I just need
a minute
to breathe
a break
please
don't look
too long

Maybe I'm not
real
really
here
real
pain
hurting
is it
okay?
Am I?

Tears falling
heavy like rain
but they can't
I won't let them
see
I'll be fine
just
tired
a bit more
coffee
and I'll be
fine

by anonymous
I'm just.... tired. I want to help, I do. But I'm tired. I'm supposed to be the help.

#latenightcrochet #anxiety #insomnia

E 6d

Quiet Nights

Late nights
quiet stitches
staying up
just to hear
you still breathing

it's a quiet fear
the one I have
that maybe on day
I'll lose you
so I stay up

Each time
it gets too quiet
I have to pause
and listen
just to be sure

I know I need sleep
but how can I
close my eyes
when I don't know
if you'd still be there

I'll sleep soon
just a few more minutes
a few more stitches
another page
one more song

Just about anything
that will keep me up
maybe a cup of coffee
or tea
or my computer

Trying not to drift off
just so I can still
hear your quiet breath
just to know
you're still here

I know that
maybe it's a
little foolish
to hurt so much
when I don't know

But how can I risk
losing you
as well
when we've already
paid so much?

It's already
so alone
so cold
just thinking
you're not here

what would I do
if you ever
really left
taken away
gone for good

I don't think
I could stand it
they've slept
so long
will they ever wake up?

It's so tempting
to reach over
check your pulse
but I'll wait
and let you sleep

Just one more chapter
one more hour
one more song
a few more rows
just a bit longer

Because maybe
maybe if I just
stay up long enough
you'll be safe
and I'll still have you

I know
I can't stop it all
but I want to
and maybe if I
stay up...

So, sleep
please
for me
so I can hear
you still breathing

I'll be here
ready to help
if it ever stops
but for now
just another stich

by anonymous
It.... *****, losing people, y'know? Maybe they moved, maybe moved on, maybe passed away. Whatever it is it still.... hurts. You miss them. And nothing can make it... stop hurting. But you have to keep going. I mean, you wouldn't want to worry them, right?

E 7d

Twisting and Turning

When laughter
turns into tears
and blood
turns into rains

The feeling of melting
turning into glass breaking
the softness of rose petals
now cold as ice

The hardness of words
means nothing now
just as much as Time
bends under the will of insanity

Soft notes on the piano
now a harsh discord of bells
light that was once gentle
now blinding to look at

Trust broken
even after I held on so long
the once solid hope
crumbling like sand between my fingers

Dull colors now bright
and then dull again
the floor falling out under my feet
once carpet is now harsh concrete

The air used to taste sweet
but now it's choking like smoke
is it tears on my face
or blood soaking my skin?

Can't tell what is real
but I don't think
there is anything real
in this swarming sea of Spirals

The Twisting and Turning
the very source of madness
and Delusional itself
and it's drowning me

by Michael
the feeling of finally realizing they were lying.

E Feb 17

The Eye That Watches

I always think
there's someone watching
in the night
or in the light

There's no break
from the feeling
of Eyes on me
and I just want a break

I know I could just Ask
but just maybe
I don't want to Know
maybe i'm scared

I Knew once
what it meant
and I don't think
I can forget

It hurts
in some ways
but I can never
get rid of it

by Jon