Sitting around and doing nothing is so exhausting sometimes.
Lacking inspiration to feel like you're actually "living" life.
Never enough, never enough.
That's what your mind tells you.
You run in circles, same thing every day.
It's often frustrating to feel like a impending explosion inside.
Just wanting to get out of this chapter and move to the next.
Misunderstood...
Is this the bad part of being alone?


*©NDHK

The train whistle blares away 2 am...
And with it leftover pieces of meaning.
Eyes still half closed with ethereal haze...
Shadows slink back and forth on the ceiling.
The fan swirls, soothing like cicada rhythm...
Sleepy head tucked where the covers are meeting.
Desperately trying to get back to that lucid place...
Where it was you who I was seeing.
A terribly caged thing my fervent heart is...
When enticed from just an inkling.
Set me free and let it kindle us both here...
Waking tangled would be greater than dreaming.


*©NDHK

They say real eyes
Realize
Real lies,
So when you're hypnotized
While you socialize,
It's time to decide
Should you anesthetize
Or recognize
The time
To cut ties?

(©NDHK

Depression.
It's such a taboo word.

When taken at the hand of serious passing.
The fear invoking accountability of it.
For those who live with it,
It means you will have a partner in life
You want to get lost from.
The invisible presence of the mind.
A constant follower no one else can conquer for you.

And they will try.
Those who care for you.

They try,
They will ask of and advise and encourage.
Through muffled ears held by depressions contempt ridden hands,
You might be lucky to catch a word or two.
The faint taste of truth you want to believe in, but can't convince yourself of.
Not every time at least.

Peace holding it's arms open wide for you to fall into,
While you yearn behind a self created glass case.
Not knowing how to step out.
And when you find a key that fits...another lock appears.
A cycle of almosts.

But you don't give in easily.
You learn your enemy, to one day defeat it.
You struggle and overcome and fall back and GET BACK UP AGAIN.
You always get back up.
It becomes a dance no rhythm could match.
A two step with four feet.
Struggle becomes a mission for you.
You are rebuilding and revising and trying, trying, trying.

Perfect happiness is an ill advised illusion.
But content is real.
A tangible plateau you can see the rest of your life from.
Where foods taste sweet and spicy and you can smell the flowers you stop for.
Music vibrates your bones and sunsets never being so vivid.
Being nurished by your loves adoration.
Feeling your childs heartbeat against your chest.

When depression slips in when you're not looking.
Sets up shop behind your back.
Take time turning around to face it.

Some who suffer this wonder if there is any purpose for them.
In this burdened life.
Those who feel alone among loved ones.
I'd like to think, if they can't focus on anything outside,
Maybe the challenge within them...is IT.
Learning and growing from this sequestered state.
To better help others who may be in various stages.

And isn't that something...
To fight for your God given life?


*©NDHK

Love...
It is made second with the hands,
But it is born first in soul.

Just because you are single,
Not yet sharing a home.
Doesn't mean you are available.
Doesn't mean you are alone.

Because your hand doesn't hold
Another's in the day.
Doesn't mean your heart isn't
Full in the night.

Growth happens without someone.
Growth happens with someone.
Love is there all the time.

I know how my heart loves.
Who my heart leans toward.
God knows my truth
And that's enough.


*©NDHK

Sometimes we feel like we have no idea where we're going.
We question ourselves but can't give the answers.
I think perhaps life cycles around.
In all things.
Whether it's lifestyle or hobbies or love.
Reminders to us of where we were and how we felt while we were there.
Rare times it's to let us know there is some unfinished business we should take hold of.
Gain that inspiration back for things we've neglected.
Things that are a part of our creative being.
Most of the time though,
Those reappearing tokens come to give us closure.
To make us aware when we've seemed to get lost off our paths.
We all get so caught up in small fragments of the here and now.
We forget to breathe and take in the big picture landscape we've created.
We feel lost.
Then something or someone comes back into our view.
But it's never the same as it was when we first endeavored there.
There's a reason for that.
As elusive as the message can be,
We believe we're to pick up where we left off.
It's unsettling and thrilling and we jump head first.
If only we realized we can't hold ghosts.
These things come as only subconscious reminders.
Sometimes we need a push open our eyes to our own selves.
We spend time figuring out how to add these things back into our lives.
The thing is though they were already there.
They never left.
That is the point though.
Every experience stays with us in varying degrees of effect.
We are molded by them and define ourselves in pieces.
We forget while we collect parts of us we always stay whole.
So those come agains are a way to help us recognise that.
We aren't meant to travel down that road again.
We don't need to delve into that routine again.
We need to see that we have grown from all of it.
Every step in that staircase leads to the house of you.
Without those conjoining moments we would be stuck still.
It's all in the process of becoming.
See who you are now and be grateful.
When life cycles back and brings you living memories remember
They are just memories, never duplicated.
They are the starting places of what allowed you to grow.
Keep climbing.
It's easy to want to fall back.
But like a tide shifting you'll only land on sand and miss the natural current.
So only look back to gauge how far you've come.
And keep moving.


*©NDHK

Some nights I stay up counting my good deeds.
Wishing they would amount to something other than totals.
Maybe good deeds can.
Maybe good intentions will.
The meaning of a wish.
The want of a dream.
All we are, is not what we're content with.
Always hoping.
Hoping for something else.
Something more.

Does not knowing what we don't have, make a difference in what we want?
How can you miss something you never had in the first place?
How do you know that feeling really exists?
Or maybe...
You just hope it does.
Being full and satisfied with life right now.
Maybe that's enough until something comes around and shows you more.
Of what you could have.
Of what can add to your right now happiness.

And what if we know exactly what is missing.
Of what we did have but no longer do.
Of what was so temporary...
We didn't realize it's importance until it was no more.
How can we know a moment is
'The Moment' when we are in it?
Doesn't seem fair.
To believe we should hold on tightly to every now.
Then when it passes, it's a memory.
No time to catch up.
Like being asked to answer a question you hadn't heard.
How do we know that's it's all supposed to matter?

It
All
Matters

Especially when it's over.


*©NDHK