leave me alone
I don't want to be lonely
don't leave me alone with myself
my thoughts will destroy me

I will destroy me
in this endless whirlpool of
self destruction
what is this sadness within me?

what is pain?

I've been burning
boiling
I am fire
in a *** of but too many emotions
it's agonizing!
it hurts!
it

doesn't?
my nerves are charred
I feel nothing
I think?

it is silent

you are a passing soul
and you will leave
as swiftly as you came
now you are telling me that
you love me

you don't
you won't
you can't
how can anyone love me
it is impossible

your love is a mixture of
stardust and nectar
and I am a withered flower
cut from my roots

dead?

will you help me
will you save me?
please don't
don't try
stop! please!

wait
I need you
please don't go
don't leave me alone

I cannot be saved
there is nothing in this world
that can take me out of this misery
nothing but.....

please
stop walking away
no! don't!
please turn around!
I beg of you

you promised
you said always and forever
but forever doesn't last
and promises were meant to be broken

this was going to happen
it was inevitable
yet I hoped that you would be different
from the rest

I hoped

but when there's only so much water
you can drain from yourself
before you're searingly barren
before what's best for you is to just

walk away

and I know that
nothing will be different
when the next soul saunters into my life
and I will still hope

all our lives we have been forced
to make promises we don't mean
and we think that we'll keep them forever
we hope we do

but you and I both know that
hope only breeds eternal misery
and the only promise
that will never be broken

is death

wafted violently along
like tiny fragments
carried in the wind
every passing soul brings with them

a strand of hope
inconceivably visible
to the naked eye
worthless and agonizing

what could a speckle of conviction possibly do?
a pathetic thread of faith
another empty promise
waiting to be broken again

so you weave it incessantly
intertwined with the lies
that they will
continue to spew

until it forms a sheath
big enough
thick enough
to cover the stab wounds

of dereliction
and the treacherous vows made
with malevolent words hurled
like waves crashing against the shore

crash
silence the demons
hold their tongues
drag them over the silver metal sheets
and pierce them through their chests

but for how long before
the melancholy has infiltrated every fibre of hope
before we have to recapitulate it all again
be quiet

soon it becomes
an endless cycle
of pleading for mercy
and impetuous desperation

because maybe one day
the threads will be strong enough
to hold the wounds together
so the scars can form
and the pain evanesce

and this will destroy me

it’s like you’re underwater

and you can’t breathe
you’re holding your

breath

wait a moment

wait another
the calmness is all over
the lucidity is ethereal
there’s nothing around

you don’t want to 
leave

ever

but then you try to fill your lungs

you can’t 

you can’t find the air
there is no air
where is the air?
WHERE IS THE AIR?

I need to breathe
I’m tired 

I want to give in

I want to sink to the bottom

I try to let the water fill my lungs

I can’t 

I paint

in the sand

I find sand
it’s soft

I use the twig
it’s a tiny twig
a tiny silver twig

the twig paints red

what’s this?

air?
I can breathe!
paint more!

each stroke is a gasp of air

I bet you thought

we weren’t going to find air
here is the air
here it is

it creeps in slowly
like chills on a wintery night
and before it's even noticeable
it engulfs me

the sadness
the darkness
the numbness
it fills me up
until I have nothing left in me to fill

no space for air
and I can't breathe
gasping and gasping
to no avail

staring down from up here
if I fell
would it stop
after hitting the ground?

or would I fall further
so far down that
even the darkness would
flee in fear

the numbness would burn
and the pain come rushing back
swallowing me
drowning me

incomprehensible unravelled thoughts
a mass of black
with speckles of grey begging to be seen
masked white and acidified colors

shriveled up
wilted
killing flowers
cutting trees

beauty is not in the eye of the beholder
**** beauty
bleed it's worth
for it shall have none

in the darkness
find comfort
no fear that the suns power
would do any harm

unreachable
don't
get out
stay

plead for the pain to be gone,
yet beg to feel the hurt.
tie an anchor to your ankle
to hold you down,
yet gasp for air as it drags you deeper and deeper into the ocean.
admire the shimmering waters
glistening as the waves
ripple across the vast seas.
beautiful sparkles,
ethereal and lucid.
slowly but surely,
the surface glaciates.
the iciness spreads
and soon you are submerged
in the piercing frost,
frigid and forbidden,
biting your flesh,
bit by bit.
it begins to cut,
hard and deep.
right through your skin
to your bone,
and in to your marrow
where it ***** your life;

you are lifeless.
empty.
there is nothing left but a corpse,
drained
of the beauty, love, peace and happiness
it never possessed.
silently shrouded
by a white veil
as the evanescent wails
fill the barren air.
flowers adorn
the pale cloth to cloak the
foulness hidden beneath.
but they soon wither,
as promised,
beauty gone forever;

for forever is an empty promise,
and death is the evaded truth.

If I were to say goodbye

Don’t you dare shed a tear

Don’t say that you’ll miss me

Don’t pretend to care

If I were to say goodbye

Don’t bother saying it back

Just keep walking in the same direction you were going before-

Your face turned away

You promised to always be here

Always and forever

But I was a withered flower

That could no longer be made beautiful again

And it took you long enough to realise it-

Long enough to fill me with the deluded hope that maybe one day 

Maybe my petals could be salvaged 

Maybe the colour would return to my world of black and white no-

Not black and white but grey

A stain of grey that is neither shadowed nor radiant

Yet muting all at the same time

But it was my fault 

For believing your empty promises

No you didn’t mean to shatter my faith in humanity
Not your intentions at all

Yet you did

But it was my fault 

For having faith in the first place

For believing that the light at the end of the tunnel 

Was the sun

Freedom

Salvation

No

It was the train that slammed into me head first as I impulsively charged towards it-

Hopeless, but hoping

I’m not dead though

Enough to feel the impact

But I am now paralyzed

Numb to any emotion

Almost as though morphine was so generously injected into every vein in my body

But it wasn’t the angels who helped to numb me

It was the demons

They cut my emotions away

“I will help you I will take it all away” they sang 

They are my friends

But friends-

What are friends?

When I can’t trust anyone anymore

Surely I cannot trust them

Can I?

I feel nothing now

No love no joy no love

So when I do say goodbye

I would have broken these chains that slither so gracefully yet threateningly around my limbs and body

You cannot cry

When I do say goodbye 

You may hate me

Hate every inch of my very existence

Hate me for leaving

Not “may” but please, I beg of you

“Do.”

Hate me for that would make it so much easier

Please don’t say you love me

I will not be able to say it back

I want my name to leave a bitter taste on your tongue

Like the ashes that I will become

I will fade into the dark forbidden corner of verboten memories

Where the monsters from forgotten childhoods live

Where the ghouls that had silently haunted live

Where demons hide

Where I will never be a vexation to anyone again

Goodbye