The scars on your arms
Form the box of my jail cell.
I'm serving a pseudo-voluntary,
Compulsory sentence for someone
Else's hell.

I guess I chose this fate
Despite it being ****** in front of me.
But the illusion of free will
Is a broken façade of
Immaturity.

I suppose I do like you,
But be with you? I don't know.
Your unblamable desire for
Love and affection is something
I can't show.

Because while your world may be Torture, mine isn't heaven either.
With heart flutters,
Stomach aches,
And leaving class for breathers.

The help that I can give,
Is reaching its end.
And whisperings
Tell me to leave,
From nefarious, bitter friends.

Yet when I entertain departure,
The only things that I'm left with are

My thoughts in the shower,
My tears joining the water,
And I remember looking in the mirror
Trying to figure out where I am.

I guess we were bored,
Or looking for something new.
And there was a party coming up.
Someone's hosting debut.
So we thought we'd ask around,
See what else was to do.
And our **** dealer told us
He sold other things too.
He nicknamed it dizz,
And it sounded quite fun.
So we talked all about it,
Decided to get some.
We all pitched in,
Asked for five or ten pounds.
And went and collected it;
Tin foil bound.
Accompanying us
Was a sober mate.
He said it would be fun
To watch and spectate.
So we unwrapped it,
Crushed it,
Poured it,
And drank it.
The taste was disgusting,
Of abstract chemicals.
But we swallowed it down,
A moment; seminal.
They said twenty minutes,
So we sat and waited.
Our hearts were pumping
Way before eight.
And we went downstairs,
Sat on a sofa,
Biding our time,
Sipping on cola...

And there.
What was that.
A feeling.
It entered the chat.
Some warmth,
No stress.
And then a
Very deep breath
Of fresh air
And emotion.
Like emerging from the bottom
Of a very deep ocean
You had been down for years.
Reggae was playing
At very high volume.
And none wanted staying
Where we were.
So we got up keen,
And started dancing.
One even went on the wet trampoline
And bounced
Up, down,
Up, down,
Could've gone till sundown.
And the sky was gorgeous;
Metallic, steel blue
Mixed with orange and yellow.
It was quite the view.
But time was
Moving on,
So we packed up,
And were almost gone
Before keys jangled,
And the door swung open.
A parent walked in,
And caused a commotion
Of boys rushing out,
Mumbling words and plans.
We left quite abruptly,
And sprinted and ran.
Once round the corner,
We couldn't care less.
Nonchalant as usual,
We enjoyed the success.
And we walked and talked
About pure, utter, *****.
The iPhone X, some girls,
And the absolute banger that would be tonight.
So we strolled around,
The sun on our faces,
Feeling elated.
Going some places.

In my head,
For a year,
I dreamt your name
Would flash on my phone.
A token of remembrance
And familiar resemblance.
But never did I know

That at a festival,
This year,
I'd get that token
That broke the silence.
Through deafening bass
And a crowded place,
Our conversation felt timeless.

Gold dust,
And rainbow stripes
Were what you wore,
Still how I remember.
Whole bodies moving,
My eyes approving
Like that first night in November.

Over the noise,
We had to shout
And get up so close
I could smell your cheek.
Half-heard sentences,
Apologetic messages,
We'd been too weak

To say before,
That night,
In Spring,
Where we cut off abruptly.
But all the pain went,
Along with those countless nights spent
Trying to pick up the debris.

My friend,
Your partner,
He'd gone
A day early.
So we spent the night together,
Ignoring the cold weather
Till tiredness made eyes blurry.

My friends
And I
Walked you back
To your yurt.
Made new favourite memories,
And an excess of remedy
To stay the hurt.

I thought a year was too late.
But instead a half blank slate
Is all I ever wanted. Now I can give

My gratitude,
And thankfulness.
That I always had,
Deep inside.
To bridges rebuilt,
And no more guilt.
I no longer need to hide

From you,
From me,
From the scars.

She left so abruptly and quickly that
She ripped off a piece of me.
She fashioned it into a Voodoo doll,
She did it unintentionally.

"My head's a whirlwind" you said.
And I was at the centre.
Blown apart by gale forces, we were,
Without escape, rendered

Crippled. We had to be
Euthanised, so you say.
Whatever happened to
A brand new page

To the chronicles of us?
There was no ink
That blotched this page.
Who was to think

A whole  pen cartridge would snap
And spill tar black paint
On this clean white page?
And then you hesitate

To wipe away the river
On the paper, and streaming
Down, from your eyes,
Tinged like the ink, screaming

At me, no words being spoken.
Your salty cheeks
Were never neat. But the eye
Of the storm, is a quiet place to be.

It wasn't the decision that hurt.
It was the reaction of inaction.
And the now set in feeling
That I was never more than a distraction.

It's said that the earth's magnetic
Polarity will flip
Every few hundred thousand
Years.

But my brain decides to flip
Every few weeks on a trip.
Every look toward the future,
With gloominess leers.

It's like riding on a train,
50/50 through rain
And the other part is on a
Precipice.

But it has no destination,
And's surrounded by insulation.
I can't seem to get off it,
But there aren't any stops to miss.

This journey I'm on, it's
Half pernicious existence,
Half psychotic persistence.
Looks like
I'll need to find a
comfortable chair with a
half decent view.

.                         I was born with a defect.
It has a great impact.
One testacle, one less
Than everyone else.

I can't tell my partner.
She'll think less of me then.
Aren't they supposed to be a symbol
Of manliness? One less thimble

Of mass, results in a loss
Of ounces of courage,
And a weight of tonnes
On my shoulders.

I've been led into
Believing manhood is paramount.
Without it, I'm less of a person,
Less of a reason

To be whom I should; to be desired.

It's hard to stop thinking it
When it's you yourself telling it.
External influences become internal doctrine.
Inescapably real, incessantly there.

Loss of masculinity,
Yet retaining functionality.
It seems people never notice something's wrong
As long as you appear to act 'normally'.

I didn't know better
But the rabbit hole she was
Went far deeper
Than I could breathe.
All she seemed was a girl in need.
All I had was a desperate urge
To dive in the deep end.
Spend sleepless nights at the weekend
Showering her with help,
Smothering her with support.
If there's a will, there's a way
And I willed for her to stay
And not let go.

At some point I got lost in the webs.
Trying to help her up, I fell off the cliff edge.
She showed me the ropes
Of a numb existence.
She denied my persistence,
Ignored my resistance.
I turned to a knife
To open up my skin.
I turned towards pain
To indulge in my sin.
I turned towards forgetting
The dropped grenade pin.

She'd built me my prison
One I willingly lived in.
Because through the bars and scars
I could see her cell.
All the heartache and trauma
Never felt as virtuous
When I had a roommate to tell.

That night in the park,
When I drank too much tequila,
We first became friends,
And I started to see her
Around much more.
Unlike others she didn't bore
Me into numbness.
Instead I started to notice
The genuine laugh
And guiltily pleased face
At my carefree jokes
And occasional poke.
She chose to fling around
Yet still enjoy the sound
Of my company
And conversation.
But a question mark formed
And hung like a far-off storm.
We both knew it, our friends guessed it.
But we never did address it.
Limbo is an okay place to be;
Lots to do, more to see.
But the idea of heaven
Overbears like a cloudy dream.
Not seven months later
At Halloween,
We watched a Harry Potter film,
One we'd already seen.
Under the blankets
Our knuckles brushed.
In a sinful rush, the lust
Drew each finger together;
Lacing over eachother;
Thumbs gliding the skin.

Going out on a limb
Was the closest we'd ever been.
But after that, nothing happened,
And soon she moved away.
I'm sure I'm forgotten
In a nonchalant way.
So I still wonder why
We didn't take off and fly,
Or at least never tried.
So here's the lie,
I didn't ever want her.
It's better that it was left like this.
A train you might want
Is much harder to catch
Than to miss.

She found my scars in the back room
Of some party at some house.
Her tears wet the scabs.
Her fear locked her arms around me.
She opened my ribs
And held my heart in her hands.
She nursed it to health, cursed the disease,
Thawed the freeze of love.

Relapse; My knees snapped,
Staggered and fell back.
But she listened whilst my arms glistened.
My Nightingale helped the scars go pale.
Her deep blue eyes held my flaws,
Until they went a duller hue.
Her firm embrace didn't withdraw
Until my jumper was her only view.
Our hands touched, not enough,
Lips lust, needed more. We ******.

The truth was, sympathy wasn't love.
A job done didn't mean 'the One'.
The fantasy we lived hit her like a ton
Of bedsheets and lies. She tried.
So she told me the facts,
She'd held me in tact. And now that I could
Walk, she thought it best we shouldn't talk.
It was abrupt, all the pain would erupt.
The knife leered, my mind jeered
But her lamp, she said,
Would never leave my bed.
So it shone instead, a flame of gold.

It was upsetting, our sun setting,
Yet now I don't cut.
I can make steps on my own.
I see colour in the sky.
To her I owe my wasted time.
Still, every night, I sit by the light,
And pray. Pray for just one more
Sunrise.

I smile in the face of madness,
Just to encourage the sadness.
Dancing on a cliff edge,
Where it drops into darkness.
And I hide behind my sleeves,
So that intrusive eyes leave.
Everyone has their sin,
It's just that mine's achieved.
Yet I punch a wall inside my head,
To watch the knuckles bleeding red.
There's in my mind, and what's outside.
So I sit quietly instead,
And spectate the defectives,
Third person perspective.
I see a TV screen with 3D glasses,
Mirrored and deflective.
I try to be witty,
Instead I'm viewed with pity.
It's a look I thought I'd hate,
But instead it's rather pretty,
At least on your face.
With permanent disgrace.
You tried to lend a hand,
But your care was misplaced.
So I dance on alone,
It's the only thing I've known.
And sit upon my throne,
Made of heartache and her gravestone,
And built by late night, missed calls on the phone.

We met that day,
As I'd asked to meet.
The sun fell down
And bounced off your cheek.

A smile bounced back
At you're cursory greetings.
Easy to hide
The still dancing feelings.

Not fleeting, not leaving.
You can't disappear now,
My heart's not stopped bleeding
For the furrow on you're brow.

We let the time slip.
The cold, fresh bite of a lemonade
I sipped.
I wish you'd stayed.

But the nip of November
Frosts the leaves off the trees.
A crunch under our feet
As we walked to the green.

Clarity struck
As we wound down the path.
I'd have to let go,
Or I wouldn't last.

Like the sky let the sun
Slip behind the far hill.
The last sliver made a bow
And then time stood still.

As it paused,
I thought back
To the book
That we'd filled.
Each chapter a story,
Each failing, each glory.

The sky turned blue
And the stars came out.
My eyes turned away.
How far would I shout?

You said, "Such lonely creatures,
The lights up there.
All they have is
A single planet that stares."

"At least they are watched
And not forgotten.
All that that needs
Are the eyes to start stopping."

I wanted to say,
"(Please make this last)."
But you still slipped away
From my white-knuckle grasp.

On Remembrance Sunday,
I remembered the day
That I first caught myself
Loving you.

Saturnine in the midst of an evening.
A bubble, wafer thin, prepared to pop.
A clock run down for mood of the week.
A lace beaten under, untying the knot.

Moisture wrapped loose on the waves rolling in.
A tap starts running, to wash down the sink.
A clear glass of water to bend all the light.
A flame goes out at the end of a splint.

Tears absorbed at the back of the eyes.
A frost cloaked song, gets caught in the throat.
A film coats the heart with the loss of a spark.
A hiker stands still, at the start of a *****.

Embers grow weak, to the black of the ash.
A gulf forms a feature to rest in the view.
A rise of the morning won't bring anew.
That much is true.

Nothing teaches a lesson like a marred heart,
Or so you'd think.
The nights I had spent washing the red
Down my bedroom sink
I had the time to dwell
And let my love for you swell
I tried to hold it in.
I committed my familiar sin.

But in that front camera light,
A simple slight smile
Was enough to fill my body with delight
And my veins with adrenaline.
Searching for insulin
To combat
My lust for the sweet tasting gloss
That hugged your lips.

Whatever occupied my head
Was often succeeded
By the idea of you.
The compass on my sleeve
Directed me to believe
In the break of a new morning.

I watched you with others,
And listened to you rant about them.
Hated them when they cheated on you.
Flashed green when they seemed sincere,
Waiting patiently here,
On that park bench,
Where you left.

I couldn't do it anymore,
My room for silenced love was filled.
Heart thumping,
Mind racing,
Desire lacing my skin,
I was bursting at the seams,
You even appear in my dreams,
But to hold it in;
Not again, not for anymore, I can't hold it in.

Help me,
Help me absolve my sin.

I am a guitar string.
I vibrate,
And oscillate
To the tune of brain chemistry
And self-caused travesty.
But all in a soundproofed room
Where the waves can't get through.

Or perhaps I'm a shoelace.
I am worn,
And torn
By walking
And falling.
But on the shoes of me
That tread where others don't see.

Maybe I'm thread.
I am overlooked
And caught on a hook
By me, who I clothe
And also loathe.
But I am sometimes noticed,
Only when I seem broken.

I could be cable.
I am insulated,
And in a tangled state
By design,
To stay online.
But my insides can hurt,
With malice I flirt.

What if I'm a line of code?
I dictate,
And equate,
For those who request
I am put to the test.
But I'm in need of an update,
Otherwise I'll break.

A string I might be,
But I couldn't care less
As long as I have some utility.

A girl called Luna wished someone found her sooner.
Out in the forest, a rope as her tether.
Whatever. She didn't care.
She wondered what they'd think once they found her there.
She left a sign, "no need to stare",
Something hidden, nothing to share.

Her parents met, shagged, got pregnant,
Shacked up, split up, the ****** slipped up.
She grew up in a broken home, alone,
Only a picture of her dad to show.
Wasn't loved, didn't need it.
Found with desire it was easier to hide it.
Loss of control led to fear at home.
So she managed her food.
She didn't grow, stayed 5ft 4.
But eating wasn't enough, she needed more.
She can't recall how the blade first met her skin.
Now withdrawl's the symptoms of keeping it in.
"What's that?", "Just a scratch (that grazed her bone)".
"Long sleeves?", "For the cold (that chilled her thoughts)".
Only 14, what a dream snatched away.
A boy came along, took her innocent days.
He was an ambiguous malaise
But was something solid amongst the waves.
Still people leave, like him on the slightest breeze.
Her arms filled with scabs like the bark on the trees.
Her stomach felt full so she got on two knees
And purged it.
Her mum clocked, urged it to stop.
Luna wouldn't listen, her guard wouldn't drop.

It became about the next hit, the next drink,
The next guy to sleep with.
Dreaming feelings, keeping a furious pace,
That way she didn't have to face the night.
She eventually hit the wall,
Broke down, tears and all.
Looked up through her window at the silver moonlight.
Had a moment of solemn revelation,
She'd been committed to self-condemnation.
She didn't want to anymore,
But the only exit seemed the next life's door.
She made an oath, to herself,
By next week she'd end her life.

That's how she got here.
If only a friend, a boy, a parent had not remained silent.
Nothing could've harmed more than the ubiquitous hush. Her mind rushed.
Walking to the woods, she heard birdsong.
Wouldn't be long.
Her survival instinct fought in a riot.
Now all she heard was eternal quiet.

To curse the sun begs the clouds to differ.
Harness the wind, and the sky often whispers.
A side feeling ways and a touch to go stiffer.
A bite of the lemon would surely stay bitter.

To hide the truth asks the holes to dig deeper.
A cynical man loses out to the sleeper.
Force all the colour, and the grey is a feature.
A taste of the honey won't get any sweeter.

To tug a string sees the seam crunch tighter.
A sleeve too short, and a half-empty lighter.
A coward's life is longer, than that of a fighter.
Gnaw on the spice, as it burns like a fire.

The scenes of this Halloween.
Smashed glass, broken windows,
Punched holes in the ceilings.
What an antic, frantic shouting,
Some fellow in the corner arguing semantics.
But the last thing I expected that night to be was romantic.
She had auburn hair, this deep rich shade.
I almost stared. If it weren't for *** and coke
I'd have left it there.
But it'd been too long, my love life felt like
That of a crushingly hopeless song.
So I grew some *****, mustered the courage
To take that twenty foot walk. Once there
All I had to do was talk.

How quickly I fell. Was it her voice?
Her eyes?
The face she pulled when she laughed?
We fit like a dovetail joint, two peas in a pod.
It was as easy as this you pessimistic sod.
The whole night we spent,
Climbed on a shed, remarked at the couples
Claiming a bed.
The fury of the night didn't relent,
But her company kept me miles away
In an imaginary story of future smiles,
No more trials. Not for some time.

The problem is once the party did end,
I hadn't seen her since then.
Friends suggested I send her a message,
But sobriety stoppered perfect curiosity.
I couldn't want someone, having seen them
For half a quarter a day.
Still the horizon of delight taunted my night.
I might. All I had was the white light on my
Screen and the limits of my fascination.
Hypothetical interest became my
Preoccupation.

When I'd begun to let go of her absence
A friend told me he'd heard she'd liked me.
Nonsense, too good to be true. **** like that
Doesn't happen to a hope so new.
Heart stutters, skin flutters, stomach shutters,
These symptoms of giddy, felt silly.
I messaged her that day,
Three hours of conversation couldn't have been greater.
This stranger in my thoughts rendered other
Ones naught. I sought her out, easiest thing I've done.
Having tasted some, I wouldn't stop until she became the one.
The floodgates were opened and washed me away.
A simple "hey" goes a long way
To brighten up my once-grey days.

There is a table between us.
An arm’s-length between us.
An inch-width of wood between us.

There used to be a lifetime between us;
We traversed and scrambled across the
Rugged terrain of life.
And we enjoyed the views and the
Panoramic scenery, ignorant of strife.
And I’d have thought that perhaps, one day,
You’d be my wife.

But that lifetime’s a dream for us;
We moved apart,
Got new friends.
Company lost,
No more messages for us to send.
And we gradually, unsuspectingly
Approached the end.

Now there isn’t much between us;
Bar some remnants,
Faded memories,
And an inch-width, arm’s-length piece of wood between us.

I listened to that band you told me about,
When we used to be together.
And they are better than I had ever imagined.
They could've become the tether

That held us close.
But of course I had to ignore you,
And focus on myself.
Because I had too

Many flaws.
But the songs are flawless.
And original.
And I have played them countless

Times through my ears.
In the car.
On a train, on a bus, in my room,
Travelling far

And wide on the
Wave-like impetus.
Creating and serving as a
Melancholic stimulus.

And it fills my mind with
Vivid memories of things that
Never happened;

Us throwing ourselves around
The danceroom floor
To the jagged riffs,
Spaceward-bound.

Or us lying in bed,
Under the blankets
And the sheets,
No tears being shed.

Or us in our special place.
The one that no one knows of.
Where you always catch me
Staring at your face.

And I remind myself,
That these don't exist.
And I start to lose sight.
That feeling persists

Of a hopeless hopelessness.
Replaced by desolate euphorics.
Because the songs that you liked
Are a bittersweet tonic

Of what I have lost.
But what another will gain.
Because a lucky man will come along.
He'll remove the strain

Of what I left behind.
But it's enough to know
That we both like this now.
Recommended eras ago

To me.
From you.
With care.

Little lies
All right beside
A troubling cry
And sharpened knives.

Her wrists were scorned
With hate and more.
But not before
She spread her flaws.

A spellbound boy and a half lost girl.
He swore they could rule the world.
Broken glass and red hot coals
Wouldn't stop the coming storm.

He strapped on handcuffs
And placed on earmuffs.
He didn't heed the broken trust
And doubled down in blinding dust.

She said by soon she would have known.
But an empty promise has its shadows.
And false summers can still be drenched in snow.
Yet still she sinks her teeth, soaked in venom.

A park bench scene
And a crippling freeze.
She told him there that she had to leave.
But even then he didn't believe

She'd renege on her word.
But her oaths were always slurred.
Her hollow echoes could be heard
If he had stopped and listened.

And now his arms burn bright white.
A tally of perverse delight.
He found long sleeves would do the trick,
But boiling heat starts to unpick

The threads that held the mask in tact.
He never seemed to accept the fact
That jails are a safer place
Than the relentless pace

Of fantasies and
Sweet tasting venom.

Back and forth.
Up and down.
Here and there.
But actually nowhere.
Apart from up here.
In my brain.
That’s where the movement is.

It’s a tightrope balancing act,
Every second,
Another step.
I am going to have to embrace the fact

That this is my new reality.
An intangible,
Hazy truth.
Half spontaneity

And the other half numbness.
A seesaw,
A jigsaw.
But with an endless

Aim of just one more yard.
Keep up,
Don’t slow.
But I feel tired

And I want it to stop.
But there’s one more season,
One more tide.
I wonder if I could chop

All the bad parts out.
No more old starts.
No more sore hearts.
Then I could shout

It away.
And fulfil my
Wish.
Of not wanting it to stay.

I had not thought it would be this way.

An emptiness speaks to me.




He wants his jumper back.
He gave it to me last night
To stave off Winter's plight.

But it didn't help much.
It didn't fit. Nothing about him does.
Apart from when we shagged
In the worst place at the worst time.
It felt like committing a crime

Against my own dignity.
I thought I wanted it.
My friends were doing it.
Perhaps next week I'll feel
Different. But he turns the reel

To pull me in, on his hook.
I just wanted to swim. Or drown.
Whichever's easiest.
It felt nice to be desired.
But all he's inspired

Is resentment.
Contained by emptiness.
The little flame
Is running out of fuel.
I've been played a fool.

Everything I hate
Seems attached to a swing.
The harder I push it away,
The stronger it returns.

I can't dodge it.
The concrete of pessimism
Locks my feet to the ground.
I convince myself it's altruism;

I can take the hit so others don't.
But the truth is there's no one else around
Apart from shadows in my peripheries.
No point making a sound;

Nothing but empty ears
And park benches to hear me.
Just the creak of the swing
To keep me company.

My audience of metal bars
Is hard to please.
Nothing but steeliness and could shoulders.
Maybe I could take the time to breathe

And enjoy the fresh air.
But seesaws
And spider's webs look too much
Like parts of a jigsaw.

Perhaps I'll get out one day.
Not without a depression of
Some shoe prints of absentee
Self-love scarring the floor.

I'd visit the spot
And count my blessings.
Treasure it in my heart
As a valuable lesson.

I couldn't get to sleep,
So I drunk myself into dreaming
Something beyond you leaving.
Graceful screaming
And a bedridden evening
Resulted.

Lunch time at a school far away from me,
You went to the roof to see
How far it would be to fall,
But the breeze and the whispers
Taunted like tricksters.

And an orange *** of pills
Could easily make your heart still.
How many would it take?
But the winds break

And the truth flows from your sleeves
Suddenly you don't want to die,
But instead fly
On this swift Autumn breeze.

No meaning
In the still distant feelings.
But never sleeping
Keeps the lies still breathing.

Reaching for the heavens
Is easier when you're amongst them.
So hold your breath,
Count to ten,
And let go of these sanguine delusions.