That night in the park,
When I drank too much tequila,
We first became friends,
And I started to see her
Around much more.
Unlike others she didn't bore
Me into numbness.
Instead I started to notice
The genuine laugh
And guiltily pleased face
At my carefree jokes
And occasional poke.
She chose to fling around
Yet still enjoy the sound
Of my company
And conversation.
But a question mark formed
And hung like a far-off storm.
We both knew it, our friends guessed it.
But we never did address it.
Limbo is an okay place to be;
Lots to do, more to see.
But the idea of heaven
Overbears like a cloudy dream.
Not seven months later
At Halloween,
We watched a Harry Potter film,
One we'd already seen.
Under the blankets
Our knuckles brushed.
In a sinful rush, the lust
Drew each finger together;
Lacing over eachother;
Thumbs gliding the skin.

Going out on a limb
Was the closest we'd ever been.
But after that, nothing happened,
And soon she moved away.
I'm sure I'm forgotten
In a nonchalant way.
So I still wonder why
We didn't take off and fly,
Or at least never tried.
So here's the lie,
I didn't ever want her.
It's better that it was left like this.
A train you might want
Is much harder to catch
Than to miss.

I couldn't get to sleep,
So I drunk myself into dreaming
Something beyond you leaving.
Graceful screaming
And a bedridden evening
Resulted.

Lunch time at a school far away from me,
You went to the roof to see
How far it would be to fall,
But the breeze and the whispers
Taunted like tricksters.

And an orange *** of pills
Could easily make your heart still.
How many would it take?
But the winds break

And the truth flows from your sleeves
Suddenly you don't want to die,
But instead fly
On this swift Autumn breeze.

No meaning
In the still distant feelings.
But never sleeping
Keeps the lies still breathing.

Reaching for the heavens
Is easier when you're amongst them.
So hold your breath,
Count to ten,
And let go of these sanguine delusions.

Nothing teaches a lesson like a marred heart,
Or so you'd think.
The nights I had spent washing the red
Down my bedroom sink
I had the time to dwell
And let my love for you swell
I tried to hold it in.
I committed my familiar sin.

But in that front camera light,
A simple slight smile
Was enough to fill my body with delight
And my veins with adrenaline.
Searching for insulin
To combat
My lust for the sweet tasting gloss
That hugged your lips.

Whatever occupied my head
Was often succeeded
By the idea of you.
The compass on my sleeve
Directed me to believe
In the break of a new morning.

I watched you with others,
And listened to you rant about them.
Hated them when they cheated on you.
Flashed green when they seemed sincere,
Waiting patiently here,
On that park bench,
Where you left.

I couldn't do it anymore,
My room for silenced love was filled.
Heart thumping,
Mind racing,
Desire lacing my skin,
I was bursting at the seams,
You even appear in my dreams,
But to hold it in;
Not again, not for anymore, I can't hold it in.

Help me,
Help me absolve my sin.

Little lies
All right beside
A troubling cry
And sharpened knives.

Her wrists were scorned
With hate and more.
But not before
She spread her flaws.

A spellbound boy and a half lost girl.
He swore they could rule the world.
Broken glass and red hot coals
Wouldn't stop the coming storm.

He strapped on handcuffs
And placed on earmuffs.
He didn't heed the broken trust
And doubled down in blinding dust.

She said by soon she would have known.
But an empty promise has its shadows.
And false summers can still be drenched in snow.
Yet still she sinks her teeth, soaked in venom.

A park bench scene
And a crippling freeze.
She told him there that she had to leave.
But even then he didn't believe

She'd renege on her word.
But her oaths were always slurred.
Her hollow echoes could be heard
If he had stopped and listened.

And now his arms burn bright white.
A tally of perverse delight.
He found long sleeves would do the trick,
But boiling heat starts to unpick

The threads that held the mask in tact.
He never seemed to accept the fact
That jails are a safer place
Than the relentless pace

Of fantasies and
Sweet tasting venom.

Everything I hate
Seems attached to a swing.
The harder I push it away,
The stronger it returns.

I can't dodge it.
The concrete of pessimism
Locks my feet to the ground.
I convince myself it's altruism;

I can take the hit so others don't.
But the truth is there's no one else around
Apart from shadows in my peripheries.
No point making a sound;

Nothing but empty ears
And park benches to hear me.
Just the creak of the swing
To keep me company.

My audience of metal bars
Is hard to please.
Nothing but steeliness and could shoulders.
Maybe I could take the time to breathe

And enjoy the fresh air.
But seesaws
And spider's webs look too much
Like parts of a jigsaw.

Perhaps I'll get out one day.
Not without a depression of
Some shoe prints of absentee
Self-love scarring the floor.

I'd visit the spot
And count my blessings.
Treasure it in my heart
As a valuable lesson.

.                         I was born with a defect.
It has a great impact.
One testacle, one less
Than everyone else.

I can't tell my partner.
She'll think less of me then.
Aren't they supposed to be a symbol
Of manliness? One less thimble

Of mass, results in a loss
Of ounces of courage,
And a weight of tonnes
On my shoulders.

I've been led into
Believing manhood is paramount.
Without it, I'm less of a person,
Less of a reason

To be whom I should; to be desired.

It's hard to stop thinking it
When it's you yourself telling it.
External influences become internal doctrine.
Inescapably real, incessantly there.

Loss of masculinity,
Yet retaining functionality.
It seems people never notice something's wrong
As long as you appear to act 'normally'.

An emptiness speaks to me.




He wants his jumper back.
He gave it to me last night
To stave off Winter's plight.

But it didn't help much.
It didn't fit. Nothing about him does.
Apart from when we shagged
In the worst place at the worst time.
It felt like committing a crime

Against my own dignity.
I thought I wanted it.
My friends were doing it.
Perhaps next week I'll feel
Different. But he turns the reel

To pull me in, on his hook.
I just wanted to swim. Or drown.
Whichever's easiest.
It felt nice to be desired.
But all he's inspired

Is resentment.
Contained by emptiness.
The little flame
Is running out of fuel.
I've been played a fool.