What was a celebration for others,
Made her only sadder and lonlier.
She did try,
But kept backing away.

Too many people enjoying themselves but not wanting her, she thought.

Everybody celebrated within themselves,
But nobody really celebrated with her, she thought.

It was like the entire sky
Shook and vibrated to the melody.
So much so, it silently spawned within me.
Compelled me to exist in sync with it.

Luring me like a beautiful lady does a child with her touch which ends at the chin.
I look to the heavens above
Waiting to be consumed by the dark blue sinister void, 
That has the hope of wholeness yet nothingness clung onto it like stars in the night sky, 
Unreachable.
With each note to the beat, 
Like a stone dropped in open seas creating ripples,
A wave of dark, silken black hits me.
My carrier, my body, as I imagine,
Aimlessly, powerlessly, as if enjoying the uselessness, remains. 
Simply. Like a corpse in still, deep waters.
Not on the surface, but not yet reaching the seabed. 

I, once again, remained happy with just the sense of nearing my utopia.

I saw her descend.
Descend into her own currents,
From where, she told me, it was exhausting to return.

I could never quite understand it all.
The steps she took,
The sighs she heaved,
And the hopelessness she felt.

Often asked her, but she,
She only rarely responded.
Refused with blank shakes of head,
Or the smile without the eyes.

I do not know how to help her yet.
But I'll surely build her a boat if the need be,
To make her rise to her own salvation 
From the currents that storm within her.

Each independent thought of care
Brings with it a part of freedom.

Each series of caring thoughts
Brings with it either of the two,
   A series of thoughts which in return            
   bring freedom and so is repeated.
  
   Or too much freedom which doesn't        
   allow you to care. Nary for yourself     
   nor others.

A dark room with the faintest silhouettes
Scares me.
It scares me like a lone deer is, lost in the dark woods with no kind,
Only the hungry.
For you see, 
In my case the hungry 
They represent the tricks and beings in my head.
They can't be real, they aren't .
But as soon as the light flicks off,
My mind races against itself.
Competes to create as many iniquitous existences and nameless fears
Whose sole purpose is to haunt me with their piercing stare
Or grab my foot and drag me into another dimension from where there is no return.

But you see dear,
The same darkness brings to me comfort, when I close my curtains. 
When I choose to sit in a room with no one and simply close my eyes and stare into my lids.
Not warmth, but solitude and oblivion.
It doesn't wash your sorrows and gift you acceptance,
As when you stare at the sun with your eyes closed.
But the sun cannot stay out all day long, 
So it freezes the emotion, the wrath, the pain, whatever it is,
Locks it up in quarantine.
Momentarily.
I imagine myself floating in the dark void.
Treat it like an age old friend 
Who called me for supper.
Just for small talk. 
And our talks could go on for hours was it not for the real world.
Which cannot live one second with silence .
Banging on my door for some trifle reason.
And alas.
The monster from the cage escapes and I, 
I am no more, for its reins are now taut around my neck.
My out appears ordinary. Stone-like.
But my ins,
the monster's ruling some part and feeding on the other.

Don't. Do not talk. Resist.

The anger you are afraid to show. 
Afraid of being mistaken as weak, impatient. 

Don't. 
Don't bother to approach. 
Don't bother to speak. 
For you might hurt the one who cares to ask you of your state. 
Let the silence speak for itself. 
Let it scream through your fixed jaw.
Let it burst through the eyes that refuse to meet another's. 
Let the one who hurt you, 
See what they did.
Simply made you harder, tougher. 
Depositing another layer of concealment.

Don't. Do not listen.
For when they ask you, 
You don't relive the horror,
The horror lives you. 
It melts the sadness
Which threatens to pour out of your eyes.
It ignites the anger
That fights with your tongue to scream
And blurs the vision with tears.