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612 · Oct 2015
reverting back
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
As I closed my eyes,
I reverted back to a place of peace.
A place sheltered by a wall my mother gave to me.
I watched myself dream
lucidly
I ran through the fields of knee high grass, passed a kickback and jumped into the daises as soft as a kiss upon the lips.
I was happy with the sun.
Her beloved friend wrapped her arms around me and loved me more than I loved my tea..
I grew angry as the teacher tapped me for one last note.
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
He whispered in my ear a little song for the Blue Jay's.
My body deteriorated like salt in boiling water.
The wind became a sigh.
The rain became warm from the heat that was provided.
The birds sung their same old song with a twist.
He arose as my head descended backwards.
I fell for his " I  love  you ,  tell  me  how  much  you  love  me"
And his
"I  know  you  want  some"
The wind would stir
It would soften..
It would whisper the words of love and would cry the tears of fears..
I mean.
This is one hell of a night.
Yet his songs to the blue jays were more than songs..
They
were
sincere
Sincere in truth.
His songs were felt in the heart and the roots that were drenched in a flood of water.
His whispers constricted my body.
His wind was the entity that destroyed my essence of innocence.
He was my brother to the night.
429 · Oct 2015
Why did I fall in love?
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
I fell in love
Because you told me everything I wanted to hear.
And now I'm a member of a club
That is nothing but confusion, confessions, ****** desires of affection and majority of it comes from fear.
I fell in love
Because you pleased my mind, my heart and my body.
I don't think I actually want you,
I just want you when I want you so when I crave that, I can actually believe that, you'll be sincere in this love that your about give
to me
And make me feel
Lovely
I'm confused.
She told me I'd lose.
Myself in the process of correcting others.
Now my heart belongs to two too many..
I  love  you
no
I  love  you
wait
I ­ think  I  love  you
I'm just lost in a situation I put myself in.
I'm pinned.
Confined,
To deal with mine.
Hearts that I have broken,that will be broken,
Is this my token of gratitude?
Nah
I'm just a ****** up person
Making ****** up decisions
******* up everyone's lives
That'll most likely cause a collision in their lives in the long run.
I am the reason people have trust issues,
I'm indecisive.
I will lead you on and make you feel lifeless.
I'm sorry.
I didn't choose to be this way..
My father wasn't there so how can you expect me to love you
the  right  way?
It would be correct to say,
How can I give love if I myself never felt that way.
413 · Oct 2015
Velvet on a white sheet
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
This was a new place.
A new perspective of my out look on life it's self.
I stared out into the ocean of velvet sheets fluttering in the wind.
I jumped from the cliff in hopes of a kiss of softness.
Suddenly I met whiteness and forever fell in a abyss.
No sound.
Just a empty hole lined with my mistakes.
I should stop serving myself my mistakes for breakfast.
368 · Oct 2015
I lied.
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
I*  lied

I told you that I love(d) you.
I thought I did.
You are everything I could desire and ask for..
Yet my prayers of a man that would love me ten times more than I would love him, were answered.
An now I despise the curse I have planted on myself.
I am not in love with you, you intrigued me for a while and then you became a burden.
I know I am wrong...
And I apologize..
I used you for attention to distract me from the penitention that I have placed myself in.
Loved and the losted
Pain that is fought
False assumptions of monogamy
When really
I just find you rather...
Comforting..
But now I am stuck in my own quick sand of confusion and thought.
That maybe one day..
You'll be that love that  was actually losted
As the days roll on I push myself to love you the way I love my tea..
But you are not intriguing to me
A little less for me
A man with baggage that's way to excessive ..
For  me
I just wanted to help you.
Help you to help you heal your own pain because hurt people only hurt  other   people.
My mother warned me before I dived into this amateur love story.
That love isn't always the medicine for pain..
336 · Nov 2015
confirmation.
Allyssa Knight Nov 2015
I've come to peace with the fact I can't have you.
You were my little case of love,
You inscribed your name in my walls.
An as I lay my head to rest,
I only think of you.
Holding me as you did that night making this jawn a emotional mess.
You were the storm while I was the silence before.
I was not heard.
You continued to be
young
wild
And
free
You will never be mine and I will never be yours.
Indefinitely you are blind.
Open your third eye and see  me!
I can not see for you, realize that it is me who you are looking for!
Or maybe...
It is me who is blind.
Maybe I'm just as forgettable as the ordinary girl strolling by you on your worst day.
But even familiar faces appear in dreams.
You will never settle for this queen that awaits you to be her king.
So ******* really,
I should of never added you to my body count and allowed you into my heart and mind.
332 · Dec 2015
Old school
Allyssa Knight Dec 2015
Love is like the 90's..
Filled with real connection.
I wish I was born in the 90's..
Back then love was impatient,
Love was
Adoring and meaningful,
Love was ..
real
I miss the feeling of genuine love
and to be g,
I don't even think I've actually experienced it.
But the music...
The music is what tells it all..
In this generation, everyone is afraid to love.
To us
To them
Love is indeed a title more than a feeling.
You don't fall in love suddenly in a day and you sure as hell don't fall out of it the next.
........................
Our definition of love is not a true one at all.
We just give "love" to receive "love" to feel
loved..
Yet we find our definition of real love in all of the wrong places.
Through ***, through smoking, drinking..
But in reality.. Thats not how we want to be loved.
That's not how we intended to be loved
To be
cherished
We're lost..
And we're going to make the next generation even more confused than we are.
We ****** up, I don't know how or when we did.. But we ****** up.
*Bad
319 · Oct 2015
Truth is.
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
I'd rather soak in a hot bathtub surrounded by candles with blueberry tea
than to fall in love just to fall back out.
Truth is
I don't love to be loved, I love to fix
but all that results in is me losing bits of me.
Truth is
I'm selfish.
I want you to give me all of you but I don't want to give you any of me.
Truth is
I'm lost in a world that is nothing but hatred and envy. I don't know who I am and I don't know what I want.
Truth is
Every time I think I have it together..
I lose my grip on reality.
Truth is
The good never last to long once you get comfortable.
Truth is.
I'm just another lost person lost in my head of unclear thoughts.
But the bad thing is,
my thoughts are always active.
312 · Jun 2016
Sincere.
Allyssa Knight Jun 2016
Looking into the eyes of the man who hurt me I found what wasn't said.
You were content with your actions,
so I was content with my decision.
You put me in the back of the class, I put you front row in mine.
You abused your privileges of having me so now you're stripped from them.
Last night was a turning point, I realized that you choose what you feel. Your emotions do not conquer you, you conquer your emotions! And I choose my happiness over you, you've hurt me enough.
308 · Oct 2015
I see
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
When I look at him
I see a man.
But as I really look into him,
I see a boy that wanted love.
Love that was not given therefore
Your children
Reap those benefits that they didn't give to you
But would we be asking for to much ..
Through her broken smile
I see her longing to be ACTUALLY
Happy.
yet she pretends
oh why art thou so foolish?
Shoult thou be true to thy self?
I see your pain that you hide from society.
Yet I am not apart of society
I am a outcast.
298 · Jun 2016
Love cut short.
Allyssa Knight Jun 2016
Lost in my own made up reality of us, I forgot that you're just a boy.
You don't deserve the honey from my comb.
The breakfast in bed.
The dinner followed by foreplay and passionate ***..
You don't deserve it.
I never thought out of a million people it would be you.
You were the moon that lit up my sea of naked flowing water,
dark
rushing
stop
slow
breath down my back, love me till I realized that you love me the same way I love you.
You lied to me and you kept lying.
I trusted you with my heart, mind, body and soul.
Isn't that enough?
You're so incompetent.
But as those waves settle and the storm dissipates,
The clouds move and you're revealed. Not your representative but your actual being.
Your intentions and true feelings are revealed.
I feel dead.
This was the end of the road for the love we shared, I still love you.
But, this tragedy has turned me cold and I'll never love the same way again.
I pray that the next man I meet won't resemble a boy and will be the man that I need.
287 · Oct 2015
Let me..
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
We engaged in intellect.
Sharing are stories of pain, sadness and happiness.
Though the room was lit by candles of a low flame, soft Indian meditational tribe flutes played in the distance, and the aroma of chocolate cookies to help drown us deeper into our mere depression that we as individuals only noticed on each other yet couldn't find it in..
ourselves
We were strong, who were we to cry?
She told me of her father.
A man of great wisdom.
A man with mental conditions.
She blamed him for some of the things that should never happen to a little girl, he wasn't there, who was there to protect her?
She was uneasy..
She told me of her brother.
A young man of genes.
A deceiver.
Why was she the only one to see his wrongs that her mother was oblivious too.
She became cold, bitter and angry.
Like a switch, she turned
off.
" excuse me, I'm gonna use the restroom"
"okay" I replied in confusion.



10 minutes later




She was gone for a while.
Her whimpers went silent.
Her silent screams became actually silent
I no longer heard her slid down the wall and hold herself in sadness.
It was actually...
silent
I slid open the door to check to see if she was ready to be alright
She just laid there......
Lifeless and peaceful.
I rushed to her assistance.
Let me help you...
Let me.. Please respond!
Let me leave instead of you!
Let me meet you at the heaven gates as well.
Let me hold you.....
I held her and sung her a song for the robins.
But as I looked into the mirror with tears running down my face.
I was only holding myself..
But no one ever knew of my depression.
They didn't want to see it.
But I had to.
284 · Oct 2015
Time zone.
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
8:57am  do you ever see someone crying and you just want to hold them ?

8:58am* only if they truly are breaking down..

8:59am I just care so much about other's... I just want to comfort everybody.

9:01am and that's what your always the one to get hurt in the long run.
236 · Oct 2015
Beloved
Allyssa Knight Oct 2015
Your spirit
Has faded from me like the last of water on my tongue.
I
Loved
you.

Why did you allow me to cast you away with the least bit of sympathy and anger of a broken heart that only sings melodies for you?

I am lost
I isolate myself because I traded myself for just a taste of your caressive flesh against my pure innocency.

who is at fault for my defloweration ?
I am only young at night and then dead in the morning.

you
took
my
light.

Now I am lost in the ways of the world.
who will be my light in the dark?
Why did you leave ?

— The End —