This was a new place.
A new perspective of my out look on life it's self.
I stared out into the ocean of velvet sheets fluttering in the wind.
I jumped from the cliff in hopes of a kiss of softness.
Suddenly I met whiteness and forever fell in a abyss.
No sound.
Just a empty hole lined with my mistakes.
I should stop serving myself my mistakes for breakfast.

8:57am  do you ever see someone crying and you just want to hold them ?

8:58am* only if they truly are breaking down..

8:59am I just care so much about other's... I just want to comfort everybody.

9:01am and that's what your always the one to get hurt in the long run.

As I closed my eyes,
I reverted back to a place of peace.
A place sheltered by a wall my mother gave to me.
I watched myself dream
lucidly
I ran through the fields of knee high grass, passed a kickback and jumped into the daises as soft as a kiss upon the lips.
I was happy with the sun.
Her beloved friend wrapped her arms around me and loved me more than I loved my tea..
I grew angry as the teacher tapped me for one last note.

We engaged in intellect.
Sharing are stories of pain, sadness and happiness.
Though the room was lit by candles of a low flame, soft Indian meditational tribe flutes played in the distance, and the aroma of chocolate cookies to help drown us deeper into our mere depression that we as individuals only noticed on each other yet couldn't find it in..
ourselves
We were strong, who were we to cry?
She told me of her father.
A man of great wisdom.
A man with mental conditions.
She blamed him for some of the things that should never happen to a little girl, he wasn't there, who was there to protect her?
She was uneasy..
She told me of her brother.
A young man of genes.
A deceiver.
Why was she the only one to see his wrongs that her mother was oblivious too.
She became cold, bitter and angry.
Like a switch, she turned
off.
" excuse me, I'm gonna use the restroom"
"okay" I replied in confusion.



10 minutes later




She was gone for a while.
Her whimpers went silent.
Her silent screams became actually silent
I no longer heard her slid down the wall and hold herself in sadness.
It was actually...
silent
I slid open the door to check to see if she was ready to be alright
She just laid there......
Lifeless and peaceful.
I rushed to her assistance.
Let me help you...
Let me.. Please respond!
Let me leave instead of you!
Let me meet you at the heaven gates as well.
Let me hold you.....
I held her and sung her a song for the robins.
But as I looked into the mirror with tears running down my face.
I was only holding myself..
But no one ever knew of my depression.
They didn't want to see it.
But I had to.

He whispered in my ear a little song for the Blue Jay's.
My body deteriorated like salt in boiling water.
The wind became a sigh.
The rain became warm from the heat that was provided.
The birds sung their same old song with a twist.
He arose as my head descended backwards.
I fell for his " I  love  you ,  tell  me  how  much  you  love  me"
And his
"I  know  you  want  some"
The wind would stir
It would soften..
It would whisper the words of love and would cry the tears of fears..
I mean.
This is one hell of a night.
Yet his songs to the blue jays were more than songs..
They
were
sincere
Sincere in truth.
His songs were felt in the heart and the roots that were drenched in a flood of water.
His whispers constricted my body.
His wind was the entity that destroyed my essence of innocence.
He was my brother to the night.

I*  lied

I told you that I love(d) you.
I thought I did.
You are everything I could desire and ask for..
Yet my prayers of a man that would love me ten times more than I would love him, were answered.
An now I despise the curse I have planted on myself.
I am not in love with you, you intrigued me for a while and then you became a burden.
I know I am wrong...
And I apologize..
I used you for attention to distract me from the penitention that I have placed myself in.
Loved and the losted
Pain that is fought
False assumptions of monogamy
When really
I just find you rather...
Comforting..
But now I am stuck in my own quick sand of confusion and thought.
That maybe one day..
You'll be that love that  was actually losted
As the days roll on I push myself to love you the way I love my tea..
But you are not intriguing to me
A little less for me
A man with baggage that's way to excessive ..
For  me
I just wanted to help you.
Help you to help you heal your own pain because hurt people only hurt  other   people.
My mother warned me before I dived into this amateur love story.
That love isn't always the medicine for pain..