If loving you is the most stupid thing to do.
Then let me be stupid.
If wanting you is the most needy thing.
Then let me be needy.
If having you is just a dream.
Then let me dream forever.

Let me fall asleep into your arms.
Let me wake up and see your eyes.
Let me remember your smile.
Let that be the last thing that I see.
Cause this world has ever only shown me horror.
So now I’m over trying to be okay.

I just want to love you and hold you.
And forget about it.
The pain.
The pain that only exists.
Nothing else.

In this world, there’s nothing but the horror.
And the love I feel.
And it’s only for you.
If you want it.
Or if you don’t want it, it’s okay either way.
Cause I have it.
I can’t use it.
Only for you.
But you can’t have it.
So why am I still expected to fight this battle all the time when I know it’s not working?

I’ve learned so many sides to life and everything.
But I haven’t learned what it’s like to love and live.
I really would love to.

When I close my eyes I see velvet red lips.
Dark red stained.
What do they say?
It sounds far away.
I can’t find my way.  

My head rests on my hand.  
I wonder why I can’t make it right.
This life.
Where should I go swallowed by darkness. Spinning from trying to make it feel better. Spinning from constantly going everywhere to see if I can fix the day.

Fix the night, dry my eyes.
Find you.
Whoever you are.
Because what is left of me is not happy.
Never home.
Only in music.
I’m watching my steps.
1 foot in front of the other on the tiles.
I’m ok then.
But I’m not moving forward.

I’m just walking.
I wish to walk into your dream.
Who is the dream?
I thought you were.
The dream is belonging.
And as long as I haven’t found you, I don’t belong anywhere at all, but with me.
And I’m tired of being here alone.
Feeling alone.

Even surrounded by people that don’t feel the same.
So I keep wandering like I always have.
All I got is truth.
I need to stay true to what I’m feeling.
I need to be open.
Honest.

And then just give in again.
Cause I have no control.
I never had.
I just have music.
And I keep having to get through all of the steps. And I wish it was like a dance, but it’s a fight.
And it can be a silent one.
It can be still one.
Discomfort.
Or just walking around.

Constantly trying.
Or just finally being ok, walking.
Because I’m not calling anyone.
Because they’re not feeling right.
Not right for me.
I know.
And sometimes I used to escape. I pretended that they were good.
But they were escaping to.
Toxic.
Like alcohol.
Drugs.
Every night I need it.
Or I’m a mess.

Hold me when I know I belong there.
Tell me to hush.
Shhh.
It’s gonna be ok.
You’re right where you belong.
You’re ok.
Safe.
Loved.
Home.

When I close my eyes I see velvet red lips.
Dark red stained.
They whispered to me.
Shhh.

It’s gonna be ok.
You’re right where you belong.
You’re ok.
Safe.
Loved.
Home.

👄🤫🩷🏡🫂🤗🥰

How stupid of me to let you do that again.
💔
Guess we’ll both never learn.
🖤
Guess it was stupid to think you would try.
💔

Just waiting to die.
Wishing to dream.
Being a stream going down, so deep.
Some nights in my body are secret plants growing.
And dying.

And I am watching.
The dead creatures lying.
Their spirits shoot up for the love that awaits.
Speed of light.
I know.

So I’m waiting for the end of noises.
I scream over them.
My head breaks inside.
Again but it’s already broken.
It will never heal.
I’m over it.
My heart just wants me to walk through the painting and dance again, love again.

Addiction is slow suicide

In this world, I will be darkness.
And I may be darkness again.

But light as a ghost.
With dark hair floating.

And my eyes will be light.
Light behind the darkness.

It’s hope.
One can only hope in this world.

Fate cannot be forced.
It’s that hope that keeps you walking in the dark.

Comfort in this world is so fragile.
So much that it creates a force of darkness.
That darkness is created to control you.

Letting go might be the most comfortable thing after all.
When I let go, I’m completely in the most painful discomfort.
When I try to keep any sense of comfort, I’m being controlled by the most painful fight.

And I keep losing it.
In the end, I might win it.
That takes everything.
Fighting that force of darkness.

In the end, I just want to find that peace and that love that I’m longing for.
Should I walk the rest of this path with my eyes closed?
Should I completely let go?
Cause I’m done fighting.

I let anything attack me.
But then I’m just in it.
Will I get out?
And will it be worth it?
Will I find what I need?

Should I run with my eyes closed?
Cause even a flashlight doesn’t keep me safe. Doesn’t help me see the full spectrum, the whole path that’s set out.

So I’m being sent back by my commander with a flashlight.
And she’s telling me to be careful.
But I’ll keep being sent out.
And it’s that same dark path.

Yet every time I don’t know when the attack comes again.
So I’m comfortably walking with a flashlight.
Scared but determined.
Always on guard.
Always fighting when I need to.
Always having to all over again and again.

It’s never right, it’s always the same path.
It’s not mine.
It’s my commanders’.
I have to keep going over and over.

But what if I close my eyes?
What if I don’t listen to her warning?
Will it set me free?
Cause it feels like I’ll be eaten alive.
But right now it feels like I’m just always fighting not to be. 🥲