You made me a wreck.
You took my self esteem,
My freedom,
My last name, all away.
My entire identity
It was all that I had.
You twisted my insides
So badly...
That I couldn't even bear your children anymore...
You ripped me open
To see my insides
And when you didn't like what you saw, you didn't sew the wounds..
You left them
Bleeding
Gaping
Festering
Necrotizing...
A rotten, filthy, putrified disaster...
And you don't want to pay....
You tried to break me.
I even thought you might try to **** me...
You loved your ******
Your drugs
Your self pity.
And you dont want to pay.
You're not getting off that easy....

I have better things to do than wait for you to get home.
I could watch Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist... again.
I could put our baby's pacifier back in his mouth.
I could scrub the bathtub,
I could fold your shirts,
I could even think about what's keeping you....
But I have better things to do.

I want to hide
In the light
Of your eyes
Forever mine.

I want to swim
In the streams
Of your veins
Until I am washed
In you.

I want to shed
This unholy husk
And see your soul

And live in the aura
Which I have come
To adore.

No greater joy have I ever known than to know that the old storm has passed.

To feel the winds of change but be excited for them.

To see love in the eyes of my daughter, named for beauty... and feel the excited movement from within from my son, named for the stars...

To see the smile come back to my love's face. Relief filling him, and so... filling me.

To see my old chapter book closed but the characters who were a part of it, thriving. I always wished them the best.

No greater joy have I ever known than to finally feel this peace.

Failing to sleep
The 27th time.
We liked that number didn't we?
It held significance for both of us in so many ways.
Is that why You and I became... us?
Because of similarities.. so many...
Because the universe, the wretched, cowardly universe said, "then so be it." After years of wrong timing and awkward exchanges, lives threatened, and hearts left in pieces, she finally gave in and said, "**** it, kids. Have it your way."
Was it because you were afraid, then a girl came to you out of nowhere promising a new beginning?
Because she was a mystery that you thought in time, you could unlock, like A hidden treasure only... when you picked the lock, there was nothing inside at all?
Was it because that girl got the boy, and I got the man?
Was it because I fell head over heels at a very young age with a boy who loved poetry and art?
Who was so kind and interesting that I ignored every red flag thrown my way? Is it because I got the boy, then she got the man?
Were we bored?
Did we save each other?
Or save ourselves from what we could have each become,
Is that why we... You and I... are us?
Is that why we lie awake?
For the 27th time.

Little girl with your bobbed off chestnut locks and uneven bangs,
Did you know?
***** faced and skinny making mud holes in the driveway,
I think you did.
There is a part of your soul that always ached and you didn't know why
But you knew how it would turn out.
You knew you were destined for pain
And would know how to handle it.
You knew you would know true loss
And you have known it a hundred times over.
You knew you would know more joy than you ever thought possible,
And have it stolen away in the night.
You knew we would have memories of which we could never shake.
Little girl with the round, dark eyes and the elvish cheeks, skinned up knees and bruised elbows,
We always knew.

We had waited an eternity..
Lifetimes maybe.
I was there and he was there and it was real.
Finally.
With a seasoned hand, he whisked my hair down.. and marinated in its scent.
Tick
He pulled me in
Tock
I fell into his kiss like I knew I would.
Tick
Down the rabbit hole.
Tock
He unhooked my bra.
Tick
He kneeled and worshipped my body like the holy ground in which he was unable to step.
Tock
I grasped for every inch of this newfound god.
Tick
We danced a dance that made the earth crumble beneath us...
Midnight...

Eske...

In your dreams I was perfect.
We were perfect.
You took me and made me so high in your mind.
I did the same...
But you were a lonely boy.
Unloved by your father
Coddled by your mother.  
Searching for love anywhere you could find it.
I was supposed to fix that...
Show you the love you missed from your father
Add to the suffocation you secretly enjoyed from your mother.
It was sick
You were sick
You made me sick.
And I couldn't be sick.
You gave me the illusion that I was happy.
Warped my brain
Twisted my heart
Shielded my eyes
Forced me to see things only as you saw them.
We became sick.
An abomination.
A disgusting, disfigured failed attempt at a dream...
Only a dream.
I'm sorry I added to your wounds by fixing mine.
I'm sorry that my rise to freedom left you broken on the floor.
I'm sorry I took so much from you when you wanted me to fix it.
But I can't be sick...
I can't be your father's love...
I can't be your mother's twin...
You're a lonely boy
But you'll be okay.

It's easy to be alone when you don't enjoy your company.
It's no problem at all to sit blankly in a chair
Facing the wall
When it is your only means
Of calm
And silence.

But when you live a new life, with new places and new people, sleep with arms that have shown you love, not bruises, gaze at eyes that show you acceptance, not wrath, leave your bad, your sorrow.. a life deleted, your quiet place is no longer your refuge.

Facing at the wall, there are no ***** little fingerprints.
No sticky mess in the floor
There are no toys littering the hallway.
There are no sounds of little feet...

I can be alone without being lonely... but I am more alone than I have ever been.

Sleep evades me
But you're beside me
Our child within me
We are golden.

Thirsy
Her lips cracked, eyes bloodshot and tearless.
Thirsty
She reaches for the cool liquid which was once so plentiful and feels nothing.
Thirsty
Crawling with her arms when her legs bucked beneath her from exhaustion.
Thirsty
There is a crack of thunder
Thirsty
The air has shifted
Thirsty
She looks to the sky.