I would say I’m sorry for being MIA but what’s the point?
We both know this isn’t the last time I’ll disappear and then reappear with some pathetic excuse.
I guess the only difference is that by this point your used to it.
So much so that our relationship continuously remains in this fractured state where neither us know how to heal it.
The alternative is to remove what’s broken but neither of us care enough anymore to do so.
It’s ironic that I’m lonely when your out their trying to make contact.
The thing is though every time we communicate something happens and I’m left feeling more alone.
I wish I could be honest or that you were a mind reader but your not and I’m just a coward.
So we are left in are current cycle of connecting which leaves me feeling lonely so I go MIA.
Only I always return because the truth is no matter how alone I feel I am so desperate for human connection.
So I’ll reach out hoping it will be different but knowing I’ll eventually end up alone in the dark for days on end.
I think the strangest thing is that I’m slowly starting to accept that this is my life now.

Right now I feel like my head is spinning and my heart is beating too fast.
There's so much chaos around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Slow everything down so my brain can catch up.
But by the point that happens its too late.
Because in the moment I should be helping I cannot it's as though my brain refuses too.
So I'm left feeling helpless and stupid in that moment.
I do what I'm capable of doing hoping it will help.
Then when everything feels normal I'm left with this guilty feeling of not doing enough and feeling as though I'm a truly stupid and worthless excuse for a human.
Giving someone a tissue when they feel stupid when they feel upset feels helpful in the moment,
When I see someone who is clearly upset I panic and ask the most stupid question of all which is are you okay?
Even though its clear to see that was a stupid thing to say and a tissue is no help to someone who is not crying.
So what do I do to help because in this moment I think I've run out of options.