I’m not ok.
Even when I say I’m ok.
I haven’t been ok.
To be honest I don’t remember a time when I was ok.
Being ok...

Time.
They tell me time will make me ok.
It’s been years and still, I am not ok.
Ok.

I’ve been trying to find the O to my K.
Not a person, not a thing
But a feeling a chemical trigger in my brain.

The pills haven’t done much, I feel sluggish slow to react maybe this is as good as I get to be ok.

It’s cold.
So cold.
I’m always cold.
So does it matter?
Is it worth wrapping a blanket around my self while all the while still feeling cold.
God it’s so cold.
So cold.
that’s how it’s been.
cold, so cold and cloudy. I us to have days with sun so full of warmth, wrapped by hands, a shield to the cold.  Not a thought of what might come if I were to lose you. I shouldn’t have taken them for granted. Now I’m sitting in this abyss, empty cold and without you.

I see value in what you discard,
in the broken pices once known as a heart.

I see the glimmer in what's thought is dead, reviving the magic that's lost in your head.

Oh how does the world keep turning
when life itself is slowing.
When in the midst of darkness
the wind is but a whisper
in the distant corner of my mind
where the nightmares like to hide. And the thoughts kept at bay during the day rampage aimlessly at this late hour.

The ceiling Mockingly dangles the key to my freedom,
all the while so close.
If only I could rid myself from the clutches  of these sheets.
I hear the birds chirping my demise for morning has come once again
with the happiest of acclamations to pronounce the new day and
another sleepless night at end.

Sometimes it takes courage to forgive the people that have hurt you. It also takes time to heal and steady your heart. Life moves on and so will you once you have given your self the time to linger on the emotions that hurt. Learn, grow, adjust to the new change because it’s not everyday that you have your heart broken.

Let’s sit here and
watch the grass grow
for eternity was but
a moment ago

It was a long time ago when I met you.

I didn’t know it yet, but I would miss you.

Time passed without a thought, a Dream of how I’d seen you. 

Out of the blue you appeared, without a warning you said “I’m here” 

How to forget the years in which you were not there.

The struggles,the tears and the “I hate you.”

For a young girl without a dad. 
It’s hard. 

So many years have come and gone. 

I’m 22 and here we stand, with the words “I love you” and “he’s your dad.”

So conflicting is how I feel, with a storm brewing in my hair. 

So confused with what to say, you want an answer? but I can’t stay.

I want to hide and just forget. I guess it’s easier that way. 

I don’t want to contemplate. This idea, of a “dad” for so long I’ve forgotten. How it feels to have a “dad”

I’ve given up on this notion, we can be friends at least acquaintances. 

So don’t ask for more. not now. I don’t know what to do with this turbulence.