Today; 1
Me; 0

You win some and you lose some.
I won a day of issues, misunderstandings, confusion and annoyance.
I've lost the tolerance for and the will to work out problems with people who can't acknowledge their faults or make sacrifices for what I thought was a worthy friendship.
It hurts because I tried. I had the best of intentions and they left me with the worst of feelings.

Ignoring problems fuels them,
Makes them stronger.
They'll return again,
They'll remain longer.

Ignoring problems nurtures them,
Makes them harder to solve.
Stop storing them away in your heart's den,
There they will evolve.

Ignoring problems creates more
Of what you're trying to overlook
Because pretending they don't exist, to ignore
Won't let you off the hook.

The flowers on my bedside table
Lost their rosy red hue,
Stopped smelling like spring,
Drooped over the sides of the vase
Just like the smile upon my face.

The flowers on my bedside table
Didn't get new water,
Didn't receive sunlight and warmth,
Didn't get the proper nurture they needed
Just like our love.

The flowers on my bedside table
Look old and sad,
Obviously near the end of life,
Crinkly and dry and faded,
Just like our will.

The flowers on my bedside table
Will be gone soon.
I'll throw them out
Because they are a sad sight
Just like our relationship.

The flowers on my bedside table
Were from you.
They were amazing at first,
And now they are nearing death,
Just as I feel all we have together too.

I'm out here on a limb
D
A
  N
   G
     L
      I
      N
       G
Like a leaf on a tree in late autumn, yellow and spotted and dry, close to falling into the breeze that'll carry me away, far away from my home to the ground where I'll lay until the wind picks me back up only to place me somewhere new and foreign and unknown effortlessly.

I am out here on a limb.
You've already flown away and I see how you go with the wind and you flow with ease and it's all so simple for you; you let your troubles, and therefore yourself, "go with the flow" and now you're floating away into the horizon where people go once they've let go of the barriers and ties holding them back.

I am out here on a limb.
I'd like to follow and float and be free and land wherever the wind takes me, just like you bravely did. You let go and I haven't let go of my limb or you, though the wind is relentless so maybe it'll tear me away without my consent but right now you're floating away and I want to allow the wind to take me too but the uncertainty of whether we'll land somewhere close by is too immense to fathom, so I'll hold onto the limb and watch you float away and know that it's probably for the best that you're floating away
                                           from me.

Turns out I was your limb all along.
Watching you bud last spring, grow and form before my eyes in the summer, begin to wither by fall and float away in the icy-cold, biting winds of winter because I sent you there without knowing I even did so.

You went out on a limb.
You grew and us died and you left and I can't follow you this time because you're finally free and I can't hold onto you forever, not when the winds turn to warm breezes and you finally feel at ease floating away from me. The seasons came, we changed, you left, and I became a leaf on a tree refusing to leave because even if I did leave my own limb of comfort, the wind would keep us apart and it's for the better.

You were on a limb.
And now that you're floating away I can fully see just how lovely and peaceful you are,
because you are without
                                         me.

Subtle hints here and there
Do you think about it, do you care?
Subtle hints dropped on the floor
Do you do this anymore?

Subtle hints intertwined in your words
So subtle, I'm not sure of what I've heard
Subtle hints left to be found
So subtle, maybe they don't make a sound

Subtle hints scattered about
The subtility leaves me with doubt
Subtle hints creeping upon me
The subtility is binding, I cannot flee

I cannot shake what subtle hints imply
I'd rather you be clear
I cannot comprehend your gossamer cry
What are you trying to say dear?

I said too much
I said the truth
I kicked out my crutch
And in caved in the roof

I said what I could not
I said what I should not have said
I tried hard not to, I fought
Yet the words leaked from my mouth, my head

I said obscene things
I said what I've suppressed
I thought it may bring new beginnings,
The things I finally confessed

I said it through choked gasps
I said it through shaking hands
I can't begin to grasp
What I've spoken, where it'll land.

I said it in fear
I said it in despair
I hoped speaking would make things clear
This isn't fair

I said
And you heard.
My secret is no longer locked in my head
Yet my pain is still not cured.

I spoke
You stayed and heard
The walls I put up crumbled and broke
Of nothing I am assured.

I'm done speaking
It hurt too much
The cracks in my heart are creaking
I'm losing my clutch

The memories are fiery and hot
Sinful and rampant, relevant and here
I wish they'd rot
Into a pile of long forgotten fear.

I spoke once
I won't do it again
I'll put up fronts
I'll keep it in until the end.

I do not need a cigarette in my hand
A flat stomach
An eyebrow piercing
An infinite knowledge of Socrates.

I do not need
A quick-witted tongue
To be easy to please, short in stature, soft spoken, impatient.

I do not need
A fondness of antiques
The latest car
26 pairs of shoes
Diamond earrings,
To be passive,
To be alluring and enticing and likable, noticeable, noteworthy, appealing or interesting.

I need my heart. If my heart does not allure or compel you to see if I really do have 26 pairs or shoes or if I really am a smoker, if I am passive and soft spoken, if I am tall or short, then I am not compelling enough. My heart should be what catches your attention and what makes you stay.

My heart overrides all else when looking at my worth; my 26 pairs of shoes will not comfort you, but my heart will. Therefore, look at someones heart. That is where you will truly find someone rather in who they are than what they are.

Who gives a **** about your first love.
Give a big round of applause for your second love, because they taught you that love still exists after you never thought it could again.

Let the bitterness fade,
And the happiness invade.

If you are falling in love with collar bones,
Defined abdomens,
Back dimples,
Visible rib cages,
Thigh gaps,
Straight, white teeth,
Long, endless hair,
Spakling eyes,
Dainty fingers,
You are doing it wrong.

If you are falling in love with the way his collarbone slight juts out,
How his abdomen flexes when he's stretching in the morning,
How his back dimples are indications where you can rest your hands,
How her visible rib cage only means you have something to strum your fingers across before bed,
How her thigh gap is just apart of her exterior,
How her straight, white teeth look when she's smiling,
How her long, endless hair is perfect to run your fingers through,
How his sparkling eyes are always fixated on you,
How her dainty fingers always find yours,
You are doing it right.

I am so jaded by the fact that you're not okay
I am so sad that you put on a facade most days
I am so deceived by your smile because it's just a phase
I am so concerned that you feel like life is a tireless maze

You are so young and you have so much time
You are so beautiful and utterly sublime
You are so sad, it should be a crime
You are so capable and you could shine

You are so wrong about your life
I am so sure that you can endure the strife
You are so strong to endure what cuts like a knife
Remember I love you, remember it's all apart of life.

I have the inclination
To get up and just leave
Board a train at the station
And ride away.

I have the impulse
To leave at 4 am
Slyly shut my front door
And leave with stars above me, all of them.

No goodbyes to be said.
All I'll leave
Is my unmade bed
And my discontent for the ordinary

I'll board a train
Spend too much on a fare
Read books until I reach my destination
I'll go anywhere, I don't care.

I'll board a plane
Flying to some far away place
Because this current life is too plain
To keep me content.

The world is my oyster
I'll pick up and go as I please
Roam and meander until I'm weary
This travel will bring me ease.

So one night I won't return
I'll just be somewhere else
For foreign places cause me to yearn
For travel, bliss and happiness.

Let me go
Someday I'll come home
But not until I explore who I am and this world
All by myself, all alone.

Let me go
I'll return someday
There's so much you'll cease to know
If you never let me leave.

My guilty pleasure is not a piece of chocolate after a long day, or bumming a cigarrette off of a stranger. Rather, I guiltily find pleasure in imagining how much better you taste on my lips than those trivial pleasures. The sheer thought of your lips on me makes me guilty with an undying want for the pleasure of your lips.

I think I've finally made up my mind, but I come to find I haven't.
You didn't even let me explain, maybe to prevent pain and reverting back to all that turmoil.
You filled my mouth with words you found true, things to convince yourself that you already knew the story.
I tried to say what I had on the tip of my tongue, using the breath from my lungs to speak up.
But you already had an idea of how everything was, and I didn't get to fully explain because of that.
You'd interrupt and tell me that I was wrong, that you knew all along that it wasn't you.
And from your point of view, I can see why you feel that you were a new, short term fling.

You were more than a rebound, more than another guy I'd found to make up for someone else's absence though.
You were more than second best, to that I wish I could attest and make you believe me though.
You were the most fun I'd had in awhile, always providing me with a smile and a sense of adventure that summer.

Soon after you left my life for a bit, with good reason, and I took that as a hit and left yours too.
Then you recently returned, and you're not the only one who yearned for the past.
But you won't believe me when I say that I still wanted you, that my feelings are prevalent and true and here and frankly won't go away.

We can blame circumstances or timing,  we can blame deceit and lying to ourselves and one another.
I'm still here, I still feel and though that's clear to me you don't see it.
Live with that facade and false reality, when in actuality that's furthest from the truth.

We can't so we won't begin again to pursue, I'll pretend what you "know" is true.
I'll let it be, you'll move on and see you're okay.
I'll watch you walk away, and whatever chances of us fade as well.
That's what is best, or so it seems; just leave it alone and let it rest until it's over.
Let it go, and deal with the fact that you'll never know.

Put me on the plane
Let's go somewhere far away
Just us, me and you.

Brazil, France, London,
Italy, Spain, Greece, Beijing,
Russia, Ireland.

I just want to go
Somewhere enticing and new,
Anywhere with you.

You can run away from bullies,
Go home after school and rest assured you're safe
From whatever torment they may bring,
Whatver distress they inflict upon you.

You can turn on the lights when it's dark,
Illuminate rooms so you can reaffirm
That your closet doesn't have a murderer in it,
Or that dust is the only thing residing under your bed.

You can run inside when it begins to rain,
Cuddle up in bed with tea and listen to the thunder
As a storm rolls through your neighborhood.
You're safe and sound under your comforter.

You can close your eyes in scary movies,
Plug your ears, hide behind a friend.
You can say "It's all fiction, it's not real."
Because that's true. Movies aren't, no matter how convincing.

You can avoid circuses
If clowns do not delight you.
You can abstain from seeing their big red shoes and noses
As long as you do not attend a circus.  

You can defeat most frightening things within your life; Don't acknowledge them, abstain from encountering them, conquer them, reduce them to nothing.

The most frightening thing in my life is myself, and I cannot simply go home, turn on a light, or avoid a circus.

It is always me, myself and I cannot simply pretend I am comfortable with always being in the presence of my biggest fear.

Plastered to the wall are memories of me. I am in your sheets and bedspread, your kitchen and driveway. I am imprinted on your couch, lingering in your halls and thoughts. My reflection was once in one of your mirrors, my hand once on one of your door handles. I am in your closet rummaging through sweaters, I am in your garage waiting to leave.
I am everywhere. You won't forget me simply because I am not present; I'm more present than you realize. You won't see me, but you'll feel me and understand how this kind of presence is the most alarming.
You can hide from from physical things, but your feelings will someday roll through like a train off the tracks into your heart and mind and you won't be able to hide, not even in the comfort of your own home, because my presence will be there. You will remember and feel me, and realize that I was the realest thing you ever had.
I won't be tangible by then though. You will only have your halls, your kitchen, the empty mirror, the untouched door handles to remember me by, because I refuse to wait around for someone who will wait that long to see what's in front of them.
Good bye.

Airports make me anxious.
There is too much going on, too many gates and times and delays and people.
They are ***** and crowded. They make me feel small and tiny, iridescent.
They are good for people-watching and spending too much on rather cheap food.
Airports make people obnoxious. People forget their manners as they scramble to the flight that they're already late for, bumping into me along the way with no apology offered.
Airports are huge, massive. Their size is daunting to me; I can so easily get lost and deviate from the path that leads me to the correct gate.
Airports are lonely. Nobody makes eye contact anymore with strangers, so I'll sit alone and read a book and maybe drink some tea or coffee, occasionally looking up to see if anyones looking at me.
Frankly, I do not enjoy airports. But I enjoy you.
So I will sit in an airport someday, sitting cross-legged and reading near a window. I will listen to some music and ponder whatever comes to mind until my flight arrives and it's time to board. I will board my plane, leaving behind the bothersome airport to come see you.

It's the way you genuinely laugh at my minute misfortunes.
It's the way you dance to your odd music, carelessly.
It's the way you looked at me.
It's the way you dedicate yourself to a task to a point where nothing else exists.
It's the way you let me talk, talk some more, and keep talking until I'm done. No interruptions.
It's the way you were honest with me.
It's the way you were patient and persistent.
It's the way you impulsively decided we should go swimming.
It's the way you would lead, the way you would always go first.
It's the way you forgave me.
It's the way you tolerated who I am, and how you still do so.
It's the way you get really cranky at 2 am.
It's the way you get even crankier when I tell you things you don't want to hear.
It's the way you would listen with the intent to respond with something meaningful.
It's the way you would indulge my interests without complaints.
It's the way you continue to be my friend.
It's the way you say good bye.
It's the way your eyes don't have a definitive color.
It's the way you look when you first wake up. It makes me laugh.
It's the way you REALLY enjoy TV.
It's the way you love your family.
It's the way you dress and present yourself.
It's the way you listen to peculiar music.
It's the way you make long drives fun, and mildly dangerous.
It's the way you were sure that you liked me, no questions about it. You liked me and that was that.
It's the way you look in the rain.
It's the way you don't understand that I think the world of you.
It is the way you are, and I like that.

When your heart is broken and on the floor,
Don't forget.
I will be there to pick it up, no matter how many times I have to.

Life has those little bumps that seem impossible to get over.
They will start as mountains, and end as grains of sand,
Because I'm going to be there to make the best of it.

When your smile is upside down,
Never forget.
I will be there to turn it right side up, no matter how much you fuss.

When you can't talk to anyone and life seems hopeless,
I swear to you I will be there with open arms and ears,
No matter how long it will take.

When you're regretting something that changed you in big ways, just know
I'm here to tell you that everything will be okay,
And that the sun will come out, no matter how down you are.

When you're not sure where to step next,
Don't look anywhere but right by your side
Because I will be there guiding you no matter how many times we stumble.

When the fun gets out of hand and your future is looking dim,
Please don't sink to the ground.
But if you do, I will be there holding you up. You remember that.

When you can sit out or dance,
All I can hope is that you dance.

Never forget how special you are,
And how different life would be if you weren't here.

When your faith is running low, please just come to me.
I will be here waiting to restore what was lost.
Life isn't fair, and that is why you have me.

The last time the caged bird sang,
So light, so shrill,
The memories rang,
To forget would ****.

Her life was encaged,
Tightly bound,
She promised herself to never rage,
Her homes were compressed and never found.

Deterioration took place,
On the brink of hysteria,
Fragile as aged lace,
Life became a controlled area.

With her lovely wings,
She used to soar,
She only remembered the hard things
Ambitions leaked through the cracks on the floor.

Lies came into mind,
Revealing and bitter,
It was one of a kind,
How this hit her.

All she asks for is closure,
Of her torn heart,
The ways they still hold her,
It tears her further apart.

Living in this is driving her to conclusions,
She thought she would never meet.
Lying to herself, "It's just an illusion",
This is her defeat.

She had the confidence to break through it all,
The hope begins to lose their vibrant colors
Rock bottom broke her fast paced fall,
She lies there and devotes herself to wonders

So as the caged bird sang for the last time,
So light, so shrill,
The memories are ringing,
To remember kills.

Smile- it captures my lips
As my mind makes revolutions
Close my eyes as my thoughts flip
Until I find the ending conclusions

I've lain on my bed
Watching minutes go by
11:00, 12:00, 1:00 am is what I've read
Time is a bird, ready to fly

I smile because it conveys
All that I am feeling
Even all the breaking and pains
I experience while my mind's reeling

I don't do it to feel close to you
Or because it's a physical need
Those days are overdue
A hunger I no longer have to feed

I don't have a dependency
On what I don't obtain
Although I'm never fully free
I feel no open wounds or pain

It more resembles a scar
Simply there
But never too far
To lose it's tempting glare

The glare that sometimes becomes blinding
Not my sight, nor my judgement
But my heart, causing unwinding
Making my thoughts and heart distant

Recomposing myself took practice
Falling down and regaining balance
Becoming less and less
Resistant to you absence

You see me breathe and walk
You see me as another face
You see me speak and talk
You see I've fallen from your grace

I see you put one foot in front of the other
I see you've moved on
I see you were eager
To not carry me along

And I'm okay with it all
It's why smiles embrace my lips
And it causes tears to fall
From the corners of my eyes, to my cheeks' tips

Happiness*- it eludes my soul
I can see it inhabits you too
And when it gets cold
I remember- but you haven't a clue

I am second best
That face you see when you want to
I condone this
Because I have to

A ghost in the halls
Transparent and iridescent
Noticed when convenient
Open mouthed and silent

Words do not alter my position
I fear they send me deeper into this state
Is it bad that I accept it?
And I the one who digs deeper instead?

I dig deep into the fur of isolation
I'm close to it, within my reach
Nestling into the in-between
The turning point

Fully clothed, I dove in head first
Sure you would follow
No need to look back was my thoughtful curse
Emerging, though, my heart grew cold and and hollow

You never even grazed the broken waves
Unstilled by my dive
Holding my breath while my soul caves
Seeing that you chose not to arrive

Caught in your once loving current
I chose to tread
My heart to you I once lent
Now drowns until pronounced dead

Begging for calmer seas
Only got me so far out into your waves
Getting cut and hurt by your violent reefs
Yet my heart yearns to stay

I could've swam your ocean forever
Held my breath and gone below
Calmly content underwater together
Running out of breath was unknown

I want to swim more
But your waves still thrash
So I will stay ashore
While your calm water continues to thrash

And I close my eyes
Memories run violently
Horses in panic

Beating their hooves down
Into charred soil from a fire
Run to safe havens

My eyes open now
I feel panic and wild flames
And then I will run

Towards what I want most
While inferno licks my heels
Telling me I'm wrong

Running to defeat
Repetition isn't new
I always need you

Admitting to that
Sends fires to burn away
Killing memories

My eyes close again
Thoughts and dreams of us are gone
No longer bonded

And maybe that is
What scares me the most here, now
You're no longer here

A ghost of the past
But can't haunt my sleep, my dreams
Your presence is dead

I worry that I'll
Forget you all together
Because we are through

You are out of sight
I don't have to close my eyes
You are out of mind

And I am afraid
Losing you all together
Do I care or not?

Who am I to judge
How you decide to cope
With what breaks down
All that provides you hope?

Who am I to speculate
What you have to do
To get up every morning
And make it through?

Who am I to guess
Why you mask your pain?
We all hurt,
We all have shame.

Who am I
To sit back and observe,
When I should step up
And show you the kindness you deserve.

Who I am differs
From who I was.
Now I understand that
All you need is love.

Forgive who I was,
Embrace who I am.
I want to be there for you
In any way I can.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You shed tears.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You curse out loud, give voice to your fears.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think of all of the things you haven't done yet.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You ask Him if this is a safe bet.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You dream of the day you'll be free.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You just try to stay calm and breathe.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're afraid of falling asleep.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You know what you want others to keep.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
There are people you want to forgive.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You wonder how long you're going to live.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You loathe what you can't control.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
No matter how many blankets you pile on, will you still feel cold?

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You remember your first kiss.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You understand you'll always be missed.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You struggle with regular tasks.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
Your face no longer resembles an emotionless mask.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You let your emotions show.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think about the time you'll have to go.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're satisfied with your life.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
Is there anything you'd be willing to sacrifice?

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You stare a yourself in the full length mirror.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You wonder when answers will become clearer.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You think of your loved ones.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You reminisce on hunting and guns.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
Your parents talk to you.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You just want to start anew.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You stay optimistic.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You let it all go and become ballistic.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You're tired of taking all the pills.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
You feel death's constant chill.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You read like you always have.
I wonder if behind closed doors,
This all makes you ****** mad.

I wonder if behind closed doors,
You fall to your knees and pray.
I know that behind closed doors,
We're all happy you're here today.

When you go, open my closed doors,
And please watch over me.
Because when I'm behind a closed door,
I'll be waiting for you to comfort me.

Just come follow me
Let's do something amazing
And let it all go

I need to know that
Things will be looking up for
Me, starting today

I want long stares
Across rooms and halls
Sly, enticing glares
Those silent "come and get me" calls

I want cold feet
Tucked in between yours
My ear listening to your heart beat
Sleepy smiles and soft snores

I want to dance with no music
Sway however we please
Looking absolutely foolish
Yet be totally at ease

I want long good byes
Even longer hugs, you know
Exasperated, joking sighs
When you won't  let me go

I want to split the check
Hold your hand under the table
When no one's looking, a quick peck
Just because you're able

I want to go for walks
Steps in sync, hand in hand
We look at scenery, endlessly talk
Our conversations never becoming bland

I want to laugh
Nearly cry at your dumb puns
The way you make me smile is a craft
You seem to be the only one

I want to argue and fight
There's no avoiding this
I'm stubborn, I think I'm always right
Pushing your buttons, I can't resist

I want to show up unannounced
To say I'm sorry, to fix my wrongs
In hopes I'm not renounced
Because to you, my silly heart belongs

The hardest part is that I want you
All of you, every ounce of your being
All you can offer and be too
I wish you were agreeing

I wanted you
And you made it clear
That your heart wasn't true
My reality became my worst fears

So I want you to go
Leave my mind and my sights
You're no good for me, I know
Your leaving creates a spot for someone who's right.