You promised to take me to the woods and sleep with me under the stars,
You promised me an adventure,
And by God you took me on one-

You weaved me through forest just trying to find you,
Searching for your remnants in the fallen leaves and branches scattered across the forest floor
You led me to a tall tree where I could carve our names into the wood, as selfish as that was,
And deface beautiful Mother Nature because I thought our love was also as breathtaking as she.

Our love was breathtaking-
You whisked me away and ran us to the tops of mountains.
You took me to peaks where I felt alive,
And valleys where I felt so down to earth I could've melted into the paths we paved
The same way I did every time your arms wrapped around my waist
And your head rested on my shoulder,
And you whispered in my ears about how you didn't want to be anywhere else.

I jumped rocks and cliffs with you,
Falling so hard and fast the same way I did
Any time you looked at me with those patient eyes,
Any time you found the time to hold me and love me in any way you could muster.
I fell into water and your sea eyes any time I jumped;
You made me fall so **** hard.

You took me to the edges of sunsets
That never rivaled the way your smile shined
When I told you I loved you,
Or rivaled the way your face looked when you laughed.
You had Mother Nature beat when it came to beauty.
You had me beat when I tried to find a reason to be upset you never actually took me on an adventure like you promised,

Maybe because falling in love with you was an adventure all in itself;
You left me blistered, aching and sore.
But I left you with the world in my eyes, the sea dripping from them,
The mountains weighing on my heart
And the shores soaking my soul because venturing into your world meant I had left my own,

And it took me so much **** time trying to find a path back to mine.
You took me for one hell of an adventure,
And the paths you treaded left footprints in my heart
That are blown away but aren't forgotten.

You promised to take me out to see the sights and walk the world-
Falling in love with you took me for an adventure that you didn't plan for,
And one I couldn't sustain much longer.

That's the thing about you, us, adventures-
They're thrilling and beautiful,
Breathtaking and wild.
They come to an end though,
And the adventure you took me on stained me with a sense of wanderlust you'll never come to see or know.

I teeter on the line of friend and more,
Tight-rope walking with arms out to balance me,
As if that gives me any stability in what I want from you.

I walk the fine line of your friend and more
Because I don't know where you stand about me-
Do you tight-rope walk the way I do?

Or do you stake claim in the friend side?
Do you wait for me, hoping for more?
Are you watching to see which way I fall?

I've already fallen for your eyes
And I'm sure you could catch me too.
Would you hold me though?

Would you let me sink into that embrace,
And maybe find a place in your arms
Wherein I fit perfectly?

Or do you balance me as quickly as I fall,
Making sure I stand sturdy
Without your aid?

I teeter the line of friend and more,
Hoping you'll cross it before me.
I want to cross my fingers behind my back

Every time I say you're just a friend,
Because I know it's a lie,
And a line I want to cross so badly.

Last day of 2014 and I have the best feeling that 2015 will be something bigger and better than I can comprehend at this moment.

2014 kicked my ***, broke my heart and taught me to have a backbone. It taught me how to love and how to let love go, and how to let some love come back. It taught me that family isn't just blood; family is who, as corny as it may be, makes you feel at home. It taught me to hold others when they need it and to not be so ashamed of asking to be held back.

2014 taught me to be my own person, and how being my own allows me to be so much more for others too. This year showed me so much heartache and growth, pain and joy. I learned that friends can love beyond what you deserve and parents, no matter how frustrating, do just the same. I learned that the nights I didn't sleep were some of my favorite memories, and some were my favorite lessons.

I learned that the fine line of love is more like a river that you either clear or drown and the only way to stay afloat is to learn to swim. You have to jump in without hesitation. I learned that netflix really is my best friend and the people that binge watch with me are a close second. I learned that waiting for someone who meets my expectations is worth the wait rather than settling for second best, and that telling other people about their worth is worthwhile in itself. I learned that loving others is the only way I will make it out of this life alive with a sense that I did something right.

2014, in all honesty, was a year of love for me. I fell in love with a wonderful person who I learned infinitely from. I fell out of love with the same person and learned even more from that. I fell in love with my family, even if they are the people that hurt me the most. I fell in love with the way concerts and music makes me feel more than anything else. I fell in love with the friends I have because they love me back, in the most honest and unconditional way possible. I fell in love with the way it feels to love myself and above all else I fell in love with myself.

Throughout this year of tribulation I found the courage to love me and tell everyone about it, because self love is a treasure some dream of, some eye at, and one that only the bravest find.

Above all else I learned that love isn't defined in any song or movie or book. It's what you make of it. It's the phone calls to say hello to far away friends and the hug at your worst. It's the child kissing a mother, it's the big anniversary date and it's the spontaneous adventure with someone you care about. Love is flipping the penny to heads up so someone else has luck, and it's a wet kiss when you're too drunk to even make it back to bed. Love is a shout into a canyon where your own echo may be all you hear, and it's the hope that someone else's echo someday responds back. Love is unconditional positive regard and telling people to get their **** together when you know they need it. Love is this and so much more. Remember that love isn't cookie cut and neatly packaged; it's raw and real, and it comes in a variety of forms. Don't be blind to love because it doesn't fit your preset mentality of what love is supposed to be. This is how you lose beautiful people, by not recognizing their personal love.

2014 is ending and 2015 will begin; I hope you all make it something worth telling about. Find the love in the people you know and the things you do; love hard and love well. Let go of the love for people who don't love you back, but keep your eyes open for love because I swear to God it is everywhere. If you let yourself believe that it is not only abundant, but that you are also so entirely worthy of having it, I promise your 2015 will be more than you can comprehend too.

I'm sure I could write letters and novels on your appeal,
Your beauty and your charisma.
I'm sure I could cover pages upon pages about how you look across a room, and how catching my gaze sometimes makes me lose my train of thought.
It's like a train running off the tracks, steam and engine and rotations over how something so dangerous could be so thrilling.
I could trace you with chalk on the sidewalk and outline all the reasons why I think my outline could fit like a puzzle piece next to yours.
I know I could dive deep into your dammed heart, find the cracks and leaks and patch them up best I can.
I know I could write pages and tell you, yet nothing my lips could say could match the way they'd feel against yours,
And I'm sure that the only way I could keep quiet about you is if you're the one closing my lips against yours.

This isn't really a poem but more a statement that I'll elaborate on in length.

I really think you just have to love 100%. I have a commitment problem aside from loving. I even took a stupid test on it for a class; I'm interested in everything and genuinely committed to very little. I lack substance because of it and I know it. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing so until then I just love.

I love indefinitely and those who maybe don't deserve it. I'm friends with my exes and let me tell you that's a whole ton of love because these boys broke my heart and I found a way to love them anyway. I broke their hearts too, and I'm so **** greatful they found a way to let me back in.

I love the people that are annoyed or bothered by me because they give me perspective. Maybe they know something I don't, that a flaw I have can be improved upon. I don't always give these people much weight in my life, but I love them anyway.

I love my family even if these people make me want to scream into a pillow. I love my parents in spite of the fact that I'm scared they don't love each other, and that hurts me. I love my brothers and you know what? I should tell them more, but the best way I know how is to listen when my older brother tells a story for too long and let my little brother drive so he can get some more practice.

I love my friends so much. Again, commitment issues means I have a lot of friends and I love really far and wide because only having a few friends scares me; if they leave, I'm alone. It helps and it hurts that this is how I love; some days I feel so lonely and others I feel like I know the world and somehow, all these people appreciate and love me even if it's tiny and ephemeral.

I love the people I've befriended because they're my extended family. They're the long drives with long conversations about life, the people I talk in accents with, the people I call when I'm crying and snotty and hurting. They're the concerts and the walks in the park, the occasionally coffee dates and "hey let's catch up" and hope we actually do.

These are the people I want to buy little things for so they know someone thinks about them. These are the people I randomly text so they know they're on my mind. These are the people I want to write long letters to explaining why I love and appreciate them, even if all we ever had was a class together.

And loving as much as I do kicks my *** sometimes. I love too much; it scares some people away. I love in excess, so much that some people can't handle it and feel uncomfortable or stray. I know my love can be mistaken for fake, for needy, for romantic and for naïve. Regardless, I love anyway.

I understand and my love will never be quiet or contained and some days I wish I only loved so many people that I could count them off with my two hands, but that simply isn't me. I don't know how to commit to loving only a few and loving them to what they deserve. I've poured my love meant for particular people out and I can't take that back, and give it to someone else. I can't reclaim the love I've given away.

The grass is greener where you water it and my love is a ******* monsoon over a drought-ridden field; I swear my love within myself grew as the numbers of people I love grew too. I don't have a yard, I have a plain. I don't have a rain cloud, I have a storm.

Maybe with age and experience those numbers will dwindle and I'll come to see that loving few is best for me. Until then though, all I have is a pouring love for anyone who doesn't mind getting a little wet. I have a love that may not be all you need but a part of what you seek, and I can solely commit to saying that that's enough for me.

I never thought the hyphen in my last name would indicate divorce,

A severing of my 50/50 blood ties to each of my parents by one tiny horizontal line in between two names.

I never thought that my father Samuel, a biblical name, could not muster even the strength of God to save a marriage,

Nor did I cross my mind that finding myself on my knees meant I was back to a church and a God, somehow shouting to the man that knows love best about how I wanted a love to be saved and it wasn't even my own.

Or that at age 19, the dwindling and sliver-like love of my parents would hurt as much as it does because I've seen fires die out and walls crumble; this doesn't look too different if you ask me.

Samuel, my father-
A man that is not of the father above,
Please solely summon his strength to save the love you are dangling by a thread to a life that if tugged at too hard, could unravel in your cold hands. Your one dream to have a family is going to crumble if you don't rightly love the woman that gave you one in the first place.

And to my mother-
Broken, tired and blue,
Give him the patience your God taught you to have just one more time. Give him the chance to change because I've seen the rain turn to sun and weariness turn to dust when you realize what is at stake. The small steps become the journey and if you only look at how far you have to go, you'll never make it.

I know 20 plus years grows tiresome on the heart and ******* the mind, but when I turn 20 I don't want to have to decide who I will celebrate with, or ask if you two are seeing anyone new. I don't want to see mom in the city and dad alone. I don't want to see my house divided up and I don't want to lose my home.

I know you both came from broke families that bruised your hearts in ways I can't fathom, and have seen the ins and outs of separate homes and step siblings and changes that come too often. I know you two stuck your last names together as a promise to stick together so that my brothers and I didn't have to know two home phone numbers, two addresses and two house keys.

When I was 7 the teacher asked if you two were divorced, and my toothy smile told her no.

I want the toothy smile of my own children to, when questioned about the endurance of love, say no to the notion that it can die out

Because grandma and grandpa were together until they had to go home to the man above.

This isn't about my father's faith or my mother's dwindling faith in him;

This is about how I went back to a God because I'm praying that my parents can find a way to let love back in.

It's beyond me why you'd run past open arms into the ones that dropped you in the first place,
And why you'd find home in a place that tore yours up from the group like a natural disaster.

Nature has a way of making things work,
Ever wonder why that's why you two don't?

And it's a **** disaster to hold your frame like a scared child-
Shaking and sobbing because things didn't go your way.

Please just go your own way,
You're the child who outgrew home and the overcoat she gave you.

Maybe if you let her go,
You'd stop feeling so heavy and fearful of chill.

Maybe if you took your coat off,
You'd feel the sunshine in ways not even her softest touch could rival.

Don't walk back into the eye of the storm.
Walk your way back home,

Where the arms aren't heavy
And the arms don't make you feel so alone.