I sit and cry as my wave of strength breaks against the rocky beach
Spreading thinner, shallower, weaker, until it can't keep moving
I feel a surge of dread as the great depths pull me inexorably backwards
And feel my hope flicker desperately with a dim and feeble light

The doubts whisper and scream that my life was never meant to be this good.
That I never deserved any of this.
That I'm not valuable enough to be happy.
That joy is ephemeral and despair is eternal.

I feel the curved teeth of the void trying to sink back in
Trying to drag me back, back, back.
I scream at the Void, tell him he can't have me
And my heart dreams that will be enough

My entire being makes a wish
Dreaming, begging the universe to manifest a place
Where all that is good might be a wellspring in my soul
And where despair might never be eternal, merely loud.

(disclaimer: my journey is NOT all trans journeys. Don't assume others feel how I do about everything. Ask.)


I came out fast to those small few
Who stayed when I was drowning
No risk, low fear, with what I had
The perks of living lonely

I wanted joy on how I glow
Not lines about my bravery
It's not bravery to be myself
But self-respect and honesty

I want to hear your joy at mine
Not promises that it's ok
I swear to god, I am not dead
For once, I'm truely flourishing

This isn't ******* negative
Don't act like I should hesistate
I found my love, my life, my self
No part of this, a bad thing.

New growth sprouts in my garden
Lit by the twinkling starlight
Watered by care and patience
Fertilized by vulnerability

Who knows what might grow
Now that the briarpatch is gone?
What new plants might take root
In this precious loam?

I can't know what will grow
But Thalia whispers of abundance
In many harvests yet unseen

Why does my body remember the flash of lightning
But wants to forget the devastation of the storm?
Holding on white-knuckled to the loss
Of the thing I broke free from

My heart is an optimist's
Distorted by the lie that what I had was all I deserved
Twisted by loneliness and a desire for good
It glossed over that it was bad, and I was still lonely

The lit match was me swimming up from a ship sunk long ago
Finding a life raft floating up above
But my grip keeps shaking in fear
Of what holding on too tight would mean

And my heart goes back to the lie, to the storm, to the shipwreck
Fear rules more of me than I will ever accept.
But I will never go back, even if fear manifests and I end up treading water alone
If all else fails, I will cling to the driftwood knowledge that it is more important for me to be with my true self than with anyone else

The voice inside says I'm not a swimmer, but
You also said I wasn't a mountain climber

It should have been over
When you told me I was interesting for what I am and not who I am
But I wanted to be wanted
So I stayed

It should have been over
When you hit me and forced your way unto the room while I sobbed in fear
But when I said never again, you mostly listened
So I stayed

It should have been over
When you told me you burned your ex's childhood photos when you broke up

It should have been over
When I was adding medications to cope with you

It should have been over
When I realized you lie to me so much.
But you left behind "truth by stages"
So I stayed.

It should have been over
The first day I realized that I wanted to be dead

It should have been over
When you said you wished I was like my brother instead of myself

It should have been over
When I started using the word insatiable about you.
But a sliver of my heart always thought that I just wasn't being enough
So I stayed

It should have been over
When you said that you didn't see a point in even trying any more

It should have been over
When I abandoned myself again in response.
The moment I started to fall back into the pit.
The next day when you called me a ******* robot because my tone was too flat, when it was flat because I set my feelings aside for you.
The same day when you told me that having emotions in my voice was being mean to you.

When you refused to stop deadnaming me
When I abandoned my name to open myself to nicknames
When you told me that it felt a lot better and more connected

When you told me how disconnected my femme clothes make you feel
When I abandoned myself and offered to change
When you said yes and that "you might be able to make this work" in response

But I was back in the pit
So I stayed

It should have been over
When you couldn't be honest with others
When you would have sabotaged things in the long run
When you told me that I shouldn't tell my new community that we were fighting; that they would leave me because nobody wants to be with someone with baggage.

It should have been over
When you stranded me
When you screamed at me
After the 14th phone call

It should have been over
When I left with a backpack of clothes
When I shook and cried and hid until I escaped
When I left with no plans

It should have been over
When you texted everyone I knew that night
In every state
Friends or family

But it still took days and days for me to realize that I never wanted to go back
It should have been over so long ago
But my inability to see my own human value
Meant that I was OK being treated as valueless

But it didn't end in my heart
Until I was asked the question
"Would you want to go back to your abuser, even if she changed?"
And I knew the truth was no.

And so, I left forever.
It is finally over.
Never again.
I owed myself so much better.

I have never shot for the stars before
For fear of missing everything
But now I find the stars in my hand
And think that aiming high might be more than asking for failure

I have rarely dug too deeply before
For fear of missing the best cavern
But now I find that I missed more
By traveling so shallowly

I never swam so freely before
Suffocating in the air of a million poolsides and beaches
I never knew how deep joy could run
Until I tested the depth of water with both feet

When I finally let go I found
I have as many shots as there are stars
I can travel deeply in many caves without scarcity
I can breathe better in the water than I ever did on land

When I finally let go, I found
That there is truer safety in reckless abandon
Than can ever be found within solitary caution

I want to weave the starlight,
To manifest the stuff of dreams.
To make something that is mine and worthwhile.
To be something that is mine and worthwhile.

How can it feel like I have done nothing but toil
Yet all I have was freely given?
How can I have exhausted myself
Yet have only gifts in my hands?

I have given everything
But built nothing that still stands
A firmament held up
By pillars of void and sand

I am blessed
I am cursed
I am blessed

I have built nothing but a trail of pyres.
Yet, I live in abundance.
Am I a goddess of fire after all, not the blessed Thalia?

A Ram in fish's clothing
Unfit to build or plant
Yet living with the built
And thriving among the planted

Needing
Bleeding
Unaccomplished
And Loved

What more could I even hope for
As master of the lit match in flight.