I CAN'T BREATHE

- its like i gave every last bit of oxygen i had and fed it to him in hopes he would sustain my lungs for the life time he had promised me

- its as if  i can feel my body beg me to get it back - to take back everything i gave while knowing it would be impossible to regain - as if my soul only knows how to sing when his there to keep the melody going - when it was my song all along

- my hands wrote the lyrics - my body molded the instrumental - my spirit added the meaning and my voice was the only voice who sang OUR SONG.
and now i'm here trying to learn the very song that only i took part in creating .

I cant breath - its as if i gave every last bit of oxygen i had and fed it to him in hopes he would see me gasping for air and notice that i needed some for myself - but he kept eating - he was greedy - it felt good to feel full - even at the downfall of my constant hunger .

I have been starving - craving a lucid dream of perfection and its turned me to skin and bone beyond the physicality -its dug so deep that the fullness within me melted away while i held onto something i didn't even have in my hand . I couldn't feel it yet i gripped it so tightly - I had no confirmation if it was really there or if it only existed in my mind when my eyes were closed and there world around me went

- I CANT BREATH -
because i don't want to - i don't want to have to breath new air when yours was my favorite sent

- you were my favorite sent -

i don't want to have to breath because that means i'm still alive - that means tomorrow is still coming - that means i have to keep going and keep moving without you - and although i know i need to - i don't want to - because in the midst of the storms that caved around us you remained my solitude
- and maybe my hope over powered my ability to be rational but there was nothing rational about our love right ?  

but that's not the point

- the point is i need to breath and i'm still searching for that oxygen in the palm of your hands but i'm a fool .
your hands haven't been here for so long that i have forgotten what its like to be touched by you -  i can't breath - and i'm beginning to enjoy the suffocating feeling because slowly i know ill be reborn again - somehow - its gonna all be worth it  

- I CANT BREATH -

because i don't want to - and maybe tomorrow i will feel differently - but right now i'm going to feel every second of this torture , every piercing ache and every drowning pain maybe that way it will all click to me - maybe that way it will be easier to let you go

She was delicate yet strange.
Resulting in confusion when she was being handled
Softly
Yet with intense
Curiosity

The sun
touched her skin
and awoke  the demons
that found  soundless rest in the coldness
he held so closely
to her soul
demanding the sleep over to come to
a victorious end
the victory was that
She had no idea
that all this time

she
was
the
sun

in a moment of surrender :

" I am a ******* good woman"
She screamed at her reflection in the body long mirror standing in front of her

"I am a ******* good woman"
Not reminding those who left or those who felt other wise

she continued to scream at the top of her voice
piercing every corner of the room as it echoed back to her

"I AM A ******* GOOD WOMAN"

she said over and over again
simply to remind ..

H e r s e l f

As I lay staring at the roof above me while it caves slowly onto my chest
I blink real fast in hopes to speed up the process
Yet the anticipation is causing my heart to pound
And I’m not sure if I’m comforted by the familiar feeling or if my pounding heart is terrifying me.
Terrified?
I remember what that felt like
And I’m pretty sure it was never this calm.
Anxiety ?
a familiar friend who I have lived so long with
but no it’s not that.
It’s you.
You’re the roof.

It’s 4am

and the silence has gotten a whole lot louder.
But not loud enough to over power your echoing memory that dwells where ever the soles of my feet choose to walk.

It’s 4:02am
and the silence has gotten a whole lot louder.
But not loud enough to shadows the memory of your warmth pressing up against my shivering body - a warmth that suppressed my every demon I had let roam free before you walked in

It’s 4:10am
and the silence is a whole lot louder.
Loud enough to hide away my crackling voice as I call out your name on last time in hopes you’ll hear me and just say hi.
But not loud enough to cover the wounds of what missing you has caused.

It’s 4:26am
And the silence is so loud that I’m beginning to understand that the very reason I can’t sleep because ....

Before the silence
There was you.
And with you
The silence never mattered