It’s so dark.
Telling yourself lies, little white lies.
To create little space.
To get through the day.

The dark is ok.
But not when you can’t sleep.
Not when it’s violently painful to be awake.

To live a life that never feels fine.
You just try.
But need to escape from this world.

Stuck in the moment.
And it’s not pleasant, draining discomfort.
Takes forever.

“You’ll find your peace” is what she said.
It’s what I repeat over and over now.
Daily and at night when everything feels so wrong.
“I don’t like it anymore” is what I said.
It’s what I repeat over and over now.
Daily and at night when everything feels so wrong.

“I can’t get it right, it’s not working”,
“I’m a part of my family so I can do anything”, “I’m save, I’m taking my time”,
“I do it the best way possible”….

It’s been taking too long.
It’s not working for me.
I’m trying to go inside but so much is happening.
Too long.
And not enough.
I need peace and something worth fighting for.
Not to just survive for decades.

I’m not ok with having to constantly find a way through things that aren’t.
Ok.
Ok?
No, it’s not.
No, I’m not.
I’m just trying to find my way out of this.
And not come back but I have to do it in a way that is not ok.
Cause I can’t stay, not even when I try to be save, inside, taking my time, doing what I can…

I’m so tired and lonely.
I want to lie in somebody’s arms.
Like a baby.
Connected.
And I want to escape from this place forever.
But I can’t find the escape, the connection or the right arms.

The right eyes don’t look.
The hands I love don’t reach.
The voice I long for is saying hurtful things.
The face I want to see is turned.
And the warmth I once felt for a moment turned into a breeze.

It doesn’t accept me.
It blows against me.
Pushes me down.
The last bit of hope to feel something other than the loneliness, the exhaustion, sadness.
It left me.

More empty, more defeated.
But what did I expect?
As if anyone would ever want to hold a baby that keeps crying.
That doesn’t sleep tight.
That is never happy to live.

Always so broken.
Lost in a world that it was forced into.
To live a life that’s way too much to handle and to carry?
Nobody wants to hold a baby that became a grown woman with too much hurt.

I long for that day where I can close my eyes and give up forever. When I’m able to let go. Peacefully. But maybe I will not go like that. Maybe I’ll have to also fight my way out. I’m a Viking after all. And the waters were always dark. Wild, wavy, deep. So I couldn’t rest. So my skin cracked, my eyes stung. I haven’t been soft since childhood. But I do know what caring about someone means. And music is a medicine that helps more than anything ever could. Doctors could never give me anything that helped. This world has taught me so many lessons. Has made me experience so much. Hopefully I can use this to get a broad perspective on existence. I think I will. But for now I don’t know where my ship is sailing. Not in calm waters. That’s all that I can say. I want to sleep. I want to go home. I want to sail towards the sky. Drown into the deep sea. And never come back to the shore of this world.

I’m a curious child sitting in a tree. Looking at a different world beyond hers. And it’s different there. Some things are better, some are worse. They have mercy but rules. She has no mercy but freedom. So she calls out to the God from the side she views. Asks for mercy from that God. Even though she can’t be part of the people that live there. The God still hears her. And understands it’s not for her to be there. But she needs to feel mercy. So he sends it to her anyway. Letting her finish her journey in her own world. And she is free but she’s watching and listening to other worlds. She picks up what she needs to. Discovering what belongs to her. She doesn’t judge. Just sees that there are many journeys beside hers.

I’m tired.
You’re tired.
Sleep required.

But things are not right.
So staying up. Pouring a cup.
Hot chocolate…

And later fixing, always fixing things.
And the day was overwhelming so drinking. Shutting down, feeling worse than before.
Of course, a cycle of more, more, more.

And less rest, stressed.
I’m not alone, yet so alone.
Not a home, not a place.
Parents from back in the days saving face.
Not the children.

Like having them was also just a social construct.
And it hasn’t changed.
But now parents are supposed to give them a choice.
As if they have any.
Being put in this world.
It’s empty.
Sad and demanding.

So we freeze or escape.
At least we try to.
But some need to stay, it’s not their time to.
Not their time to leave.
It goes on forever, torture, pain, fighting, grief.
So much learning, developing, experience.
Never ending.
Story.
Telling.
Finally telling.

No longer covering up truth pouring out from our insides.
No more.
Lies.
Saving face.
Just crying and sad.
Save us!
Let us be, set us free.
Let us go.
World of sorrow.
Let us live.
Not be dead in here.
Die in fear.
Let us run and escape.

Fly like heroes.
Take our own shape.
Have our own love.
Find our kin. From whitin, fly above.

Above the pain that’s been going around.
Cycles finally broken and we are found by mothers of the universe.
We are loud, proud and free.
Having experienced this for eternity but now finally we come out.

So empty, too full.
She gave all she could.
But pouring water kept her from breathing.            
Well then what is left to do but drown?

But then look at them judging, why ain’t she swimming?
Can’t breathe, can’t breathe.
They stand there and tell her exactly what to do.
From the sideline.
All she ever asked was for them to understand why.
Why she drowned and sank.

But it was too much to ask so she drowned alone again.
And this time she gave in.
She gave up and blocked out everyone who never listened to her begging.
Just understand that all she was asking was for you to believe that it really was pouring and pouring and pouring.
And it never stopped…