I can’t go back to how it used to be.
And I think the universe should agree.
With me, definitely.

So now, where what when?
Trying what I can.
I wonder what’s the new big plan?

The wind blows slightly cold kisses.
My skin feels soft as it misses the blisses.

And the sun is hot, so I’m wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
I feel heavy lying down in the dirt.

After running, after walking the day away.
Getting things done and then I can play.
In the dark with my ***** all alone inside.
Inside my mind, I can play dead and hide.

Cause I can’t dance when nobody’s watching and there’s no place to look at.
I need to stare into something but all I see is lack of that.

Even when I close my eyes.
I’m losing balance, drop, can’t rise.
So I’m watching TV with too much *****.
I snooze.

I’ve done all that I could for the day so that’s enough, I just have to wait.
In a chaotic state.

I’m trying to have faith that whatever happens sets me free.
Cause I think the universe should agree.
With me definitely.

I still feel like my life has gotten way out of hand many years ago.
And it never turned around.
It’s never been ok anyway.
I’m just still struggling so much with this world.
But I remember a living condition where it was so damp that my wooden bed just collapsed for example as I was lying on it.
And then I was trapped in it because the center broke while the sides were still standing.
And I was just in there like: “I want to die”.

I was so tired already from everything that happened before.
I just couldn’t make it work.
I don’t know why I still can’t.
I’m always seeming to be stuck or trapped.
There’s always something happening that is not pleasant and I used to have moments that made up for it.
But to be honest, I don’t really feel it anymore.
Not much gives me pleasure these days.
And I’m using mechanisms that aren’t always the best but are the only ones that seem ok in the moment.
I know nothing lasts and I’m making plans and trying to have options.
But it seems to take so long, maybe too long.
I know it won’t stay like this and I don’t wanna go back to how it used to be.
I wanna move forward.

But some things just never seem to work for me.
Or they just get in the way of me doing what I want to do.
My brain is part of it.
The way it reacts to it.
I can’t just block it and it’s hard to try to just ignore it or even accept it, I have to keep trying.
But when am I gonna say that enough is enough?
That it’s just not working for me or that it has gotten out of hand.
Cause that’s definitely how I feel and it’s real for me for way too long and I try to make the best of it.

Tried to find my way in a world where it never feels right.
And it has been so horrible.
I’ve been stuck in trying to make it work.
Or just been seeking freedom.
And now I just close my eyes, but I won’t shut down and things are not ok for me and there’s nothing I can do.

“I want to die”, I scream so many times.
Like death is some kind of “utopia”.
Like freedom.
Like belonging.
That is what it feels like.
But I also know I will never be ready for it.
Until maybe that moment when it’s actually happening.

But planning it is scary to me.
Knowing it’s going to happen.
I’m bad at letting go.
But this world has never been ok, right or safe.
And I know it’s not supposed to be.
I knew it from the start cause I didn’t come out of the womb.

I’m always ready to leave.
Yet, I’m never really ready.
I lie inside my grave with my eyes open and my hands digging in the soil.
Still not closing my eyes and letting go.
Until that won’t open wide enough for my body to give in.
Till it completely falls apart.
Then I’d have to let go.
My old jacket is finally torn and falling and I am reaching out to that girl.

That girl that already found her way towards another place.
And I change into my new form.
Like I’ve been changing into different forms.
In my way here in this life.
But then I can finally completely change without it taking everything from me.
Finally be exactly what I want to be.
Home.
Why am I so scared?
To let go. 🥲

It’s probably not supposed to be easy.
I’m not supposed to be able to leave whenever I want to or need to.
That would not fit with the journey.
And the experience.
Being in this world, it has rules to it.
I guess I just have to be really brave.

I can make weird faces again with my stitches.
Yay.
Won’t take it for granted, I’m trying.
Not to take life in this world, seriously.

Seriously, there must be other places.
But every place has connections to everything.
Trying to let go of everything….
Before I go, letting go.

It’s easier to let go for me already.
When I know I can leave.
I feel broken and lost.
But I’m letting go of what’s bothering as much as I can.

But then…
There’s always something.
Always been.
Free when I’m home.
That’s how it should go.

That’s where you let your guard down.
And I’ve never been home here.
So maybe I can finally drop everything and fall down.
Forever when I’m gone.

If I can’t work towards my future, then I should accept my death
I’m mentally terminal

Intensely over it
Giving up with passion
Raging from the depth

Nailed to the ground
Dropped like a sack of potatoes
Fights are over

There is no more fighting fire
Just burning
Crawling through the still burning ashes

Stitches in my mouth
Blood and chocolate
My teeth on a string
Spitting blood

Everything I bite turns to red velvet
Paying in blood
For old ways to make it through the night
Infected wounds
Digging in the dirt
To take out the trash

Stitched back up
Like my stuffed support animal
Having to behave
No drinking

Just suffering, cleaning
Sitting in the noise
Always something happening
Distracting

Dealing with everything
Hanging by a thread
It’s not holding
Falling

It’s not working well
Holding on
Without drinking
And only eating
Red velvet