Has the courage to reflect on her own decisions.
Shares with us her feelings of love, pain and hope.
She gives advice and strengt hand brings along some greater visions.
And she learns from her and our journeys.
Which we share, sometimes from a distance.
No other mother I would choose, my sister and I are her only babies.
She loves with fire and persistence.
Here and beyond here.
A mother like you is like no other, that’s clear.

I hate to admit the only thing that makes me feel ok is beer.
Nothing works.
I want to not care.
But it takes forever to make my bed right.
To put the pillow down in the right position without distraction.
And I did put it down, but I got distracted, it went wrong and so I started drinking beer again.

And I know I should be patient.
I know I should be peace.
But I’ve been through discomfort too many times for too long.
That I find it hard to just accept it.
That it’s not ok and that doesn’t feel ok.
Life has never been ok for me, has never really been working.

Although I keep saying that I’ve done so much learning.
So I accept my fate but let it be over in the end because I can’t keep on doing this.
Over and over every day, trying to make it ok.
Please let me die in peace one day like I’m dying in peace and beer every night when I pass out for three hours on the couch.
It’s better than dealing with everything, although everything comes back when I wake up.

And I try to make things right before I start drinking.
Why has it come to this?  
It has always been like this.
Just in different ways.

Eating, exercising, not eating, trying to compensate for eating…
Running running, running running running.
Or just screaming.
Drinking, drowning, puking, wishing I could be puking.
But just passing out again.
Because it takes forever to make life work for me.

I didn’t come out of the womb, I didn’t want to.
But now I know, I had a very rough journey to get through somehow.
And I’ve had the best people in my life that I could wish for.
But one day it should be over and it shouldn’t take too long.
I shouldn’t get too old.
I’m so done done done done done done done done fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting trying trying trying trying trying.

Even giving up and it’s not even stopping the pain.
Not entirely, although it helps a bit to give up.
Please understand, just have compassion.
I have suffered all of my life in many ways and I still am.

But I am working on a good end to all of this.
Let’s finish this book of horror and pain, agony, and intense torture!
And yes, I had good moments.
Yes, I had the best of company.
Yes, I try to be free and yes, I had adventures.
I’m grateful, I’m ok with it.

But I’m NOT with the continuous suffering!
And I know this life isn’t fair, but really it is so so so so so so so so unfair in many ways.
Not just my life, I see it all around.
Some people found a way to manage it, but I have NEVER been able to really.
And DID I try!
I tried.

This life, a journey full of pain.
It’s ok, but I’m done!
I’m holding on, but I hope for the end.
And I hope I can hold on for a good one, a good end to all of this.
I owe it to myself and to the people in my life.
But if it’s not possible, then that’s also my journey.

And I hope it doesn’t have to come to that, but if it does, it does.
And I’m just being honest because that’s life, that’s what it is.
That’s this life.
I heard the song by Mark Knopfler on the radio at the hairdressers today, ‘What it is’.

To you:

I made a mistake today.
Can’t fix the pain.
I am the one that hurts you.
Again.

Oh no, you’ve got to fix me.
You want to fix me.
I can’t be fixed and I’m that bad.
Again.

Help me, save me, I’m a witch burning.
Still burning and being in pain.
Your pain.
My pain.
My intensity, good, bad and horrible.
Torturing tension.
Sensitivity.

I want to **** that ***** that’s inside.
I want to be ok.
I want to be good.
To you. 😭

I want to live life as a dream
Laugh it all away
Like flowers in the wind
In April and in May
But instead, there’s a storm
So I call my mom inside
She tells me it will be ok
And spreads her arms so wide

I have no right to judge.
I am the same, I have become the same.
I have no reason to change, although I have someone I care about.
But my perception of life remains the same.
And I’m not able to help anyway.
Not more than I am now, which is from a distance.

So why should I stop what I’m doing?
I can only make steps towards any possibility of getting out of this.
But am I better or worse than the people that are toxic?
No, because I am too.
They are hurting, and so am I.
And nobody deserves to, but we are.
Toxic, hurting, irresponsible, human beings.

But I hope we will do our best, especially for the duties we got.
Having children is one.
Being a sibling is one as well
We may have a journey in life which we did not always ask for, it seems.
But we grow from it.
We need to somehow.
Like a task which for many is hard.
And for some it’s a too **** hard one to fulfill.

Parents aren’t always present.
And I hope that anyone will find anyone that will be there sometimes to care.
But we always got ourselves to blame first and need to have our own back when nobody else does.
These times are about changing patterns and behaviors.

Some of us are warriors in this battle.
Some of us are still trying to escape.
And for some, it seems too late.
They have died, but yet are still here, can’t be saved, can’t escape.
Not completely.
They are not sleeping, they are dead people.
Still walking the earth trying to manage what’s left of their existence.

Today I felt so lonely in my mental state that I gave a homeless man ice cream.
I had seen him standing there and sitting there in the same spot days before.
He was there again with his head in the sun bending down.

He told me that he lives in a tent.
But soon he would be staying at a hotel or even move to America with a group of people.
You could smell them from a distance, but what do you expect?

So I let him pick his favorite ice cream flavors.
He was friendly and I could tell that he was alright from his energy.
This is how two lonely people who don’t feel at home share a moment.
And it’s a little awkward.

But it’s better than to stay in your bubble.
That’s what it felt like.
And I hope it felt the same for him.
Just a moment to be seen and heard and not be all alone in your head.

Or sitting on the bricks in the center of the city he grew up in.
While I have traveled a bit through the country, but never found my home actually.
But I did meet amazing people, and I did have my adventures.
And now I don’t know what the next part of my life looks like.
Just like him holding on.

Although I have a very safe place, my mind is not, but I can’t complain.
I have everything I need.
Not like this man.
He only has the ice cream I just gave him this afternoon just out of my own loneliness. 🍨🍦

I can’t help but feel like it takes too much to be ok.
So, I’m not ok.
And I take too much.
I am at this point where people don’t always understand I’m not happy or grateful for life.
But I’m not apologizing for how I feel.
I need to be real and I try my best everyday and every night.

But I need to escape.
And I’m figuring out what is working still which is not a lot
But I’m loving the people that may make me feel a little bit more alive each day.
And the things, the little things, the moments where I can drift away from all that is hurting from all that is wrong.

Those things keep me going and are helping me to hold on and stay.
In the moment in the arms of the people that matter.

🩷🥲🤗🩷

Hugs matter, people matter.
Look at the homeless guy looking at nothing.
All of the afternoon.
He’s just sitting with all of his belongings.
On a brick and I gave him a smoothie and he thanked me in the kindest of ways.
And I just walked away, hoping that I gave him a feeling that he mattered.
Because that’s all that I could give in that moment.

And I only expect people to give what they can give.
Cause that’s all that matters, doing what you can and trying your best.
And if in the end, that’s not enough, then you’re still enough.
Because you are a fighter and therefore winning.
Because you’re always growing.

You experience things from many different sides.
So you know what feels right and what does not.