I have no right to judge.
I am the same, I have become the same.
I have no reason to change, although I have someone I care about.
But my perception of life remains the same.
And I’m not able to help anyway.
Not more than I am now, which is from a distance.

So why should I stop what I’m doing?
I can only make steps towards any possibility of getting out of this.
But am I better or worse than the people that are toxic?
No, because I am too.
They are hurting, and so am I.
And nobody deserves to, but we are.
Toxic, hurting, irresponsible, human beings.

But I hope we will do our best, especially for the duties we got.
Having children is one.
Being a sibling is one as well
We may have a journey in life which we did not always ask for, it seems.
But we grow from it.
We need to somehow.
Like a task which for many is hard.
And for some it’s a too **** hard one to fulfill.

Parents aren’t always present.
And I hope that anyone will find anyone that will be there sometimes to care.
But we always got ourselves to blame first and need to have our own back when nobody else does.
These times are about changing patterns and behaviors.

Some of us are warriors in this battle.
Some of us are still trying to escape.
And for some, it seems too late.
They have died, but yet are still here, can’t be saved, can’t escape.
Not completely.
They are not sleeping, they are dead people.
Still walking the earth trying to manage what’s left of their existence.

Today I felt so lonely in my mental state that I gave a homeless man ice cream.
I had seen him standing there and sitting there in the same spot days before.
He was there again with his head in the sun bending down.

He told me that he lives in a tent.
But soon he would be staying at a hotel or even move to America with a group of people.
You could smell them from a distance, but what do you expect?

So I let him pick his favorite ice cream flavors.
He was friendly and I could tell that he was alright from his energy.
This is how two lonely people who don’t feel at home share a moment.
And it’s a little awkward.

But it’s better than to stay in your bubble.
That’s what it felt like.
And I hope it felt the same for him.
Just a moment to be seen and heard and not be all alone in your head.

Or sitting on the bricks in the center of the city he grew up in.
While I have traveled a bit through the country, but never found my home actually.
But I did meet amazing people, and I did have my adventures.
And now I don’t know what the next part of my life looks like.
Just like him holding on.

Although I have a very safe place, my mind is not, but I can’t complain.
I have everything I need.
Not like this man.
He only has the ice cream I just gave him this afternoon just out of my own loneliness. 🍨🍦

I can’t help but feel like it takes too much to be ok.
So, I’m not ok.
And I take too much.
I am at this point where people don’t always understand I’m not happy or grateful for life.
But I’m not apologizing for how I feel.
I need to be real and I try my best everyday and every night.

But I need to escape.
And I’m figuring out what is working still which is not a lot
But I’m loving the people that may make me feel a little bit more alive each day.
And the things, the little things, the moments where I can drift away from all that is hurting from all that is wrong.

Those things keep me going and are helping me to hold on and stay.
In the moment in the arms of the people that matter.

🩷🥲🤗🩷

Hugs matter, people matter.
Look at the homeless guy looking at nothing.
All of the afternoon.
He’s just sitting with all of his belongings.
On a brick and I gave him a smoothie and he thanked me in the kindest of ways.
And I just walked away, hoping that I gave him a feeling that he mattered.
Because that’s all that I could give in that moment.

And I only expect people to give what they can give.
Cause that’s all that matters, doing what you can and trying your best.
And if in the end, that’s not enough, then you’re still enough.
Because you are a fighter and therefore winning.
Because you’re always growing.

You experience things from many different sides.
So you know what feels right and what does not.

Young body recovering from the damage.
33 years.
But they seem 3300.
Mind dead.
Brain broken.
Spirit numb.
Can I die?

Only in death I’ll be saved.
From the noises.
From having to make the bed right.
From OCD.
Distractions, overwhelming, being stuck.

I can try to be safe in moments.
But things keep coming back.
So death, safe me from these.
I’m crying for you.
Day and night.

A project of love instead of a project of fear.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

Fear coming from hope and expectation.
Letting go.
Not expecting, but accepting and trusting.

It’s all I can do.
Before I’m ready to leave.
I think I’m done with all that this world has brought.

But now I’m still taking steps towards leaving.
And that thought is soothing.
Also trying to be in the moment and accepting.
It is what it is.

My journey.
I won’t fight it.
It’s been torture but it’s a process.
My project.
My torment.
My breaking point.
Every time, the things that come back again.

But now I need to let go.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

Be that mess.
You’ll get through it.
Again and again.

It’s draining and torturous.
So be that mess.
Embrace the dark.

Expect nothing.
Accept everything.
No matter how mean.