pro life but not pro women
pro life but you care more about the unborn than the living
my body but I get no choice
limit my rights
take away my voice
you say you're pro life but what about us?
protect the child we carry but not us
love your women they say
but I'm not feeling very loved
we walk around wondering if we're being followed
terrified of men lurking around the corners
never knowing if they're going to hurt us
not all men, no
but I chose the bear over the chance
***** we're called when we have so many men
but what are they called when they have so many women?
nothing
they aren't not shamed
and we get all the blame
equal rights?
I do not see
I don't have rights to my body
pro life
but not pro living
not pro women
what about us?
open your eyes and think about what if it was a ****** assault?
does it matter to you then?
of course not
but if not then, when?
when will you care about this fear?
the fear we hold of men
the fear we hold of what they could do to us
not all men
no just the majority of them
it is our birth right to have uncomfortable experiences with men
it is our birth right to wonder if a man will hurt us
do you not see or do you not care?
yes pro life
but not pro women
they beat us and you ask what we did
like we deserved to be beat because of something we've done
so many men telling us what we can and can't do
I'm sick of it
what about you?
I'm tired of them being pro life but not pro women
how would they have children if not for us?
we are the ones creating life
and yet we don't get rights
they have the power
they have the control
the men we put in office speak of us and if we are objects
we have a voice
they just don't listen
yes I know not all men
just the ones we elect to let speak on our behalf
and they say pro life
they make us seem like villains for getting an abortion
but after SA don't we deserve that?
don't we deserve to not go through the pain of carrying our attackers kid?
to raise the kid and look in their eyes just to be reminded
what about when we can't afford to give that kid a good life?
no you don't care about them then
you want this child to be born in the world but you don't care what happens to them once they're in it
you want them to grow up and pay the government money
pro life?
no
they do not care about life
they don't care about us
they care about money
they care about power
pro life they say
but they are not pro life
they are not pro women

ever feel like your world is on fire?
flames burn higher and higher
cover your nose
don't breathe in the smoke
feel the burn on your skin
try to escape
there's no way
you're trapped
all alone in a room with fire
the smoke and the flames
try so hard to survive
it's getting to your eyes
you start to cry
you sit down and accept the end
wait for it to burn you alive
accept that this was your life
you didn't do much
just stayed at home
and now it's all over
and you have nothing to show
your obituary will be short
your funeral will be small
you burned in a room
no was there to save you
you died alone just like you predicted
but you didn't want to be right
you didn't want to die tonight
you wish you put up a better fight
but all you did was give up on life
you accepted the flames
deep down it's what you wanted
all your life waiting to die
waiting for this very moment
and now that it's here how do you feel?
are you scared to die?
no you're okay, right?
you've accepted that death is a part of life
then what is it then that I sense within you
sadness?
could that be it?
are you sad that this is the end?
oh yes tragic, isn't it?
all your life wasted waiting for this moment
stop wasting your life
get up and fight
fight through the fire
fight through the flames
live til tomorrow to see your family again
love and live while you can
don't give up you still have time
your life is just as worthy as mine
we both feel that we don't deserve it
we both feel like we are burdens
but that is far from the truth
the world would change if we weren't here
there are people here waiting for us to survive
don't give up it's not your time
you still have time to live your life
I'll see you tomorrow
you'll be just fine
fight the fire deep inside
I know you can do it
you at least have to try
now is not the time to give up the fight
yeah I'll see you tomorrow
you're so strong
just keep holding on

so much happened in my life
sometimes I just sit here and cry
I think everything that has happened
I wish it didn't leave me so saddened
I remember how I used to be so alone
that house was never truly a home
all the lies and screaming
the pain and thoughts of fleeting
so many situations where I was left so helpless
I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry
I knew too much of what was going on
it took away my innocence
and the child within me went with it
after that happiness got up left
and sadness took a seat for a long while
so long I sat in a cage in my mind
constantly asking questions like why
why me?
why her?
why do we have so much hurt?
so much pain inside and nowhere to go
we must sit here and listen to all the screaming
to all the lies
this was the start of my sleepless nights
the nights where I stayed awake just to cry
to finally let out the quiet sobs I had been holding in all day
I wish someone would have hugged me tight
I wish someone would have paid attention all those times
maybe if they did they would notice the signs
the signs of my depression
my suicidal thoughts
the start of the self harming they could have put to a stop
my life has put me in an endless battle with depression
it's a war inside my mind
oh but I have been granted so many great people in my life
because of them I can feel free
I can finally be happy
I can finally let out the breath I'd been holding in so long
in front of them I feel comfortable singing my songs
In their eyes I see no judgement
only a soft console I've been craving since I was a child
yes my life has brought so much pain
but through it I have gained
I've gained an understanding of this world
I've gained a family that was once not mine
I've gained this amazing life
so much had happened but it led me to here
this place I was meant to be
I hate my life but I also love it
in the end I have to admit
it's a nice little life of mine

I'm not seeing any light
I don't feel like this fight
This dark cave is filling with water
I'm drowning as it approaches my mouth
It fills my lungs
I'm helpless now
I panic
I'm making it worse
I'm choking
This is my end
My eyes are heavy
I want to close them
This is my life
This is my last breath
I'm at my end
So this is why you didn't send me anyone?
You knew I ****** at love
You knew I would do this
God are you there?
Is there a god?
Is he waiting for me?
Or is this the devil?
Is he waiting for me?
I don't know
But you're waiting for me
I want to come to you
But I'm drowning in this dark cave
I see you in my mind
My memories
I wish you were here now
But you're not
And I'm drowning
I'm letting my body sink to the bottom
I smile thinking about you
I let my last breath go
I held on so long
For you
I did everything for you
And I still failed
I'm lying here breathless in this dark cave

The wind is blowing
The storm is coming
The clouds are brewing
The sky is getting dark
Though it is not thundering I can already hear the loud boom
I know this storm is coming
It will rain
It will pour
Lightning will strike
The thunder will roar
And I'll have no where to run
The ground will flood and I will drown
I know this storm all too well
I'm scared
I'm terrified
I know this storm

When I tried to swim I sank
When I stayed out of the water I couldn't walk
When I fell to my knees I couldn't crawl
I lay on the floor and it finds me
I hear the world still moving around me
I can't move
I lay still unmoving for when I get up I fall
When I swim I sink
but even when I do nothing it still finds me

Why do I do it?
Why do I stay?
Why do I always push my loved ones away?
Why does my mind always play games?
Why does my mind work this way?
Crying during the night because I was mean in the day
I will never be normal
I'll never be sane
I'll never stop pushing them away
I'll never stop these tears that highlight my pain
All this pain that I gained
All this pain that I earned
All this pain I deserve
I **** at being nice
I **** at being with people all the time
Sometimes I just want to be alone
And yet that's always wrong
Everything I do feels wrong
I can't be good to myself or others
And it makes me think
Why the hell do I stay?
Why do I get up every morning?
Why do I cry every night?
Why can't my life ever just be a constant shining light?
I'm no good to people they're better when I'm not around
But I can't bring myself to do it
I don't want to wake up in the mornings or cry at the nights
But I don't want to miss the days where I smile and everything is fine
I don't want to miss the days where I'm truly happy
And yet sometimes they're so far away that I don't know why I stay
In a life so dark and gloomy with occasional sun, why do I stay?
When no one is helping me push away the pain
I want it to end
I want my mind to stop
I don't understand why I'm not enough
I don't understand why I'm so broken
I don't understand why my mind is out to get me
I don't understand why I stay?
Why do I do this to myself everyday?
Maybe some part of me enjoys the pain
Maybe I ask for it
I'm a terrible person
Or maybe I'm not
It's not clear
My mind is telling me one thing and my heart tells me another
I'm confused
I hate this weather
Why do I stick out all the days in the rain just to have one perfect day?
That's just my life I guess
In one big lump sum
The pathetic loser just trying to be someone
Maybe I stick around because even when at my lowest there's still a glimmer of hope
Something telling me to keep going
That one day it won't hurt some much
That one day I'll be okay
That the future I pray upon will come true one day
Until then I guess I just hold on tightly to this life I have
Try to be better to the people who stay
Try to push the darkness away
Try my hardest to just be great
Maybe that's why I stay

I don't know what their names are
They won't tell me
But they are far from strangers
They sit with me when I think I'm all alone
They say we're friends but I'm not sure that we are
They tell me not to fear death
They tell me death is a part of life
They tell me to embrace death
I listen to them
They seem to be the only ones who care about me
They told me everyone else is lying to me
They remind me that they have been here since I was a kid
They remind me how well they know me
They tell me no one knows me better than they do
They tell me to hide away and push all the liars away
When I don't listen I get punished
When I don't listen they make me hurt myself
They are not my friends
They are far from my friends
They make me so scared
I don't want to die
I don't want to listen to them
I want to listen to the people they call liars
They're not liars
They love me
They know me
They're here for me
They help me
I'm fighting the demons
They keep pushing me down
I have to become stronger than they are
I have to learn to push back
I have to defeat these demons
They are plotting my death
I'm plotting my survival
**** the demons
I'm better than that
I'm smarter than that
The demons are not strangers
They're not friends
They're enemies
I have to fight these demons
I'm fighting these demons

All I feel is pain
It won't go away
Try and numb my brain
Tell me to die but I just keep going
All I do is cry but I gotta keep going
All this pain inside won't go away
I keep hoping it'll go away
I'm going through it
My head is a battlefield
Sometimes I surrender
I don't have time to fight back
All that energy I had
It's all gone
All I feel is pain
It won't go away
Try and numb my brain
Nothing helps
I just want to be alone
I don't want to be alone
This pain keeps building
I'm dying
I'm suffering
Take me away
Numb this pain
Sick and tired of crying
So hard to keep lying
Hang my head low
I keep saying I'm fine
Don't worry about me
I'm fine
I'm lying
Don't lose me
I'm trying
All I feel is pain
It won't go away
Try and numb my brain
The pain is here to stay

I close my eyes to hide from the pain
I go to sleep and hope I don't dream
I try to escape this agonizing life
I try to hide from the tears
I try to run away from myself
I wish I could hide from the girl in the mirror
She brings me more pain then I can bear
I wish I could run away from her
May she never hurt me again
I close my eyes and hope I die
I close my eyes and wish I'll wake up as someone else
I close my eyes and wish it all away
I wish the pain to leave
I'm closing my eyes
I'm wishing and praying
Take the pain away
Let me see the light
Let me die tonight
Let me see tomorrow as someone else
I hate the darkness when I close my eyes
But I love the way I can hide
I can hide from the pain
I can hide from the agony
I can hide from the loneliness
So I close my eyes and pray for no nightmares
I just want to escape
Let it be peaceful
Let me hide away

I'm always going to say I don't need help
I'm always going to cry by myself
I'll always push you away when I need you the most
When I need a hug I'll hug myself
It's the way I'm programmed
The way I grew up
I tell myself I don't give a ****
But I care about the child that had no one
The one that grew up way too fast
She is me and I am her
I'm still struggling to make her proud
So I'll just tell her that I have friends now
I have people who care
I have people I can run to
But most of the time I won't
I'll cry all alone just like before
I'll sob and wish for more
I'll wish that all this pain would go away
And I'll hope that one day I can make the kid in me proud
That I can let her out
That I'll ask for help more often
And admit when I can do it alone
But for now I won't ask for help
But I'll always go to the people I call my home
The people who are not blood but family
They understand the most
And when I need them they'll be close
They'll hug me when I cry
Pick me up when I fall
They all love me
And I love them all

I look at you with love
I also look at you with sadness
so long I have hid this pain
and now you wish you could take it away
wasn't it you who said you didn't understand it?
you told me I couldn't possibly feel this way
I hid this pain because I knew your reaction
you didn't come to until someone else explained it to you
I tried to explain but you shut me out
and now you don't trust me when I've done nothing to betray that trust
you tell me your scared I'll run off
since I was a child I dreamed of running away
my house was never a home
yes I was loved
but I was alone
I felt like a guest in the family and that of which I can't explain
but when you hide your pain you hide yourself
it makes it feel like no one really knows you
that's how I felt
like a stranger in my home because no one knew me
and no one saw I was alone
you never knew I was struggling because you never learned the signs
you took me being silent as an attitude of mine
I lost in my thoughts
I was feeling alone
I was depressed
and my house did feel like a home
I wanted to run away to a place I could cry openly
I cried alone hoping no one would hear me
no you are not a villain for you did not see
you had other things important and you thought I was fine
you fed me
you clothed me
you kept me alive
I'm sorry to tell you I was dying inside
I was crying out for help in my silence
I was counting the days in my head
I was eight years old wishing I was dead
I had no friends
family felt so close yet distant
I didn't understand it
I didn't understand my mind
I never understood why
why was it me who had these thoughts?
why was it me who was alone?
I became strong for you
I knew it was what you needed
I grew up too fast so I wouldn't be a problem
I was mature for my age
your're welcome
I sacrificed my childhood to make sure I wouldn't be a problem child
I know you never asked me
but I did anyway
I couldn't stand to see you look at me that way
with so much pain
with so much anger
it all caught up to me either way
I saw the look that I had been dreading
I still see it in my eyes you don't see me the same
your eyes are filled with pain
they're filled with worry
always wondering if I'll stay
I promise you I'm right here
I'm not going anywhere
sometimes I still wish I could run away but I still love you at the end of the day
you are my mother
you are my light
you kept me alive
in more ways than one though you might not know
I've been fighting for you this whole time
just so I wouldn't make you cry
I stayed strong
I grew up fast
just so you could see me the next day
just so I wouldn't see your pain
no you didn't ask me
but it was implied
all those times you looked annoyed at their cries
I didn't want to be the reason for that annoyed look in your eyes
you say killing yourself is selfish so I held on tight so at my funeral there wouldn't be rage in your eyes
I held on to this life so you wouldn't attend my funeral
so you wouldn't cry
so I wouldn't be the reason for the pain in your eyes
so I wouldn't be the reason you would cry yourself to sleep at night
you say you're a bad mother and that's just not right
you just got a selfless daughter who didn't want to see you cry
one that held it all in for you
became strong for you
grew up too fast for you
this isn't your fault
you're not to blame
don't worry about me for I've been fighting this for awhile
I know how to get over this
it takes some time though you wouldn't know
I kept that from you
I'm sorry that I have
I'm sorry I grew up way too fast
I'm sorry I became strong and shut you out
I'm sorry for the bad words that have left my mouth
I love you so much mom
for I have fought this for you
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep this from you
I'm sorry you found out that I'm not perfect
I'm sorry you had to see me hurting
I'm sorry I never understood where you were coming from
neither one of us is better than the other
but you are such a good mother
I wish communication with us was better
maybe one day I'll open up
maybe one day we can both trust
maybe one day we'll be better
but right now we're stuck in this endless weather
this endless storm is tearing us apart
I could stop it but I don't have the courage to talk to your face
dear mom I'm sorry I hope you can forgive me in someway

memories cloud my head like the words that were never said
some are good
some are bad
some I wish I never had
these memories are like sharp knives in my mind
they stab me several times
the words that were said are like shots in my head
but the words I couldn't get out remain at the top of my mouth
there's a gun in my head that goes off
it shoots me with these memories and thoughts
shots to my heart when I remember
I said love you and I don't know where that love has gone
at the time I meant it but it came and went
now sorry is the only word I can manage
because I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry my love is gone
I'm sorry that is no longer our song
I'll always remember you as my first love
but we weren't forever
and it hurts to remember
memories can stab like knives
but they can also bring me light
when I remember the people embracing me with a hug
or the time that day was filled with love
at the end of the day memories are all we have
and I'll try to stop focusing on the bad
I'll think of all the good memories I have

music is my home
music is my escape
always there for me when I need it the most
the lyrics speak to me
they heal my soul
they heal my wounds
they tell me that I'm not alone
crying and sobbing
music is my home
it picks me up when I'm low
I need it most when I'm alone
music motivates me in the task I don't want to do
music keeps me going
so many times I was riding a thin line
on the edge of the earth wondering why
music swooped in and saved me
they say not all heroes wear capes
and it's true because these artists I listen to are my heroes
they save me time and time again
they were there when I had no friends
music is my therapy
music is my home
in these lyrics I feel safe
music pulled me through when I didn't think I survived
but I'm still here
and music still wipes away my tears

love comes in so many different ways
some come and some go
some stay forever
you'll never know
all you can do is enjoy it while it lasts
and looking back you'll remember how they used to make you laugh
all the moments you had
it'll make you sad
I look back and remember your face
I don't quite know how my love faded away
one moment it was there and it was gone the next
I can only assume it's a part of some big plan
I'll love again
for now I find love in my friends and family
the ones who are always there no matter what
they show me true love
they show me what love is like unconditional
they show me the love I need
love from them is a blessing in disguise
yes I loved you but that was a different time
I'll now find love in the family that I made mine
the family that is not blood but so much thicker
the family that shows that a house is not a home
I'll always remember the love that I have lost
but I'll live in the love I have gained
the love I have found
the love that I own
and if they move on I'll once again be alone
but I'll know that someday I'll find it all again
I'll look back and see their faces
I'll remember all the moments we shared
I'll laugh and it'll fade to tears
I'll remember what we had
I'll wonder why it had to go
but it's all a part of the way love works
it comes and it goes
but you'll always have someone to love
focus on what you have
not what you lost
look back and remember the happy times
make memories with the people we love
it might not be forever
hold on to it with all your might
oh yes love comes in many different ways
a lover
a friend
a sister
a brother
not everyone stays
some will go
and that's okay
you'll always have the memories you made
hold on tight
but don't be afraid to let them go
some must move on
and that's okay
not all of them are meant to stay
love is not meant to be easy
it's meant to be strong
a force to be reckoned with
but sometimes that force goes away
who's to say why
it's just the way
you'll always remember their face
let love come and go
you'll never know
they might be the one to save your soul
they might be the forever and always
let it in
let it shine
just know when to say goodbye

I keep to myself, you open me up
you help me out when I feel stuck
when I feel lost, you show me the way
In the darkness, you are my light
all of the people I love burn so bright
they light the way on my cloudy days
they give me a reason to smile
a reason to stay
I love them all though I show it in different ways
I don't mean to push them away
only some of them understand me in a deep way
I try to make you understand but it feels like you'll never get it
I wasn't born to always be happy
I get sad for no reason
I'm depressed to the core
that's what I have medicine for
I take the pills to make me smile
to make me laugh
to make me not feel so sad
but even then the people I love are my reason to stay
the true reason I smile
when so much is wrong with this world
they are what's right
this world is not black and white
I always see the grey
but I always see the good in them at the end of the day
I smile and I laugh
these people I love give me that
they give me the privilege of knowing happiness
I don't believe in much
but I believe in them
I believe in love
I believe that they are my purpose in this world
I'm here to make them smile
I'm here to make them laugh
I do for them what they have done for me
so I'll smile and I'll laugh so that they'll do the same
my smile is no longer fake
I smile for them
they make me smile

gone too soon
that's what they'll say when they cry at my grave
they'll read my note and wish that I would have stayed
they won't understand that the world wasn't right for me
they won't understand the fire in my head
they won't understand the want to be dead
gone too soon is what they would have said
if I chose to die and not fight
but I fight so they won't have to cry
I fight so they won't think I left too soon
I want them to be happy
I see how they care
I'll let them give me flowers while I'm still here
flowers on my grave are far away
the headstone with my name can wait
the coffin shouldn't be ordered
I won't make them worry about a hearse
my pain is a curse
yet they are my blessing
one day I'll die
but not today

Birthdays are the very definition of depression
I love and I hate
I'm older
I made it
Another year I didn't die
But another year I had to survive
Another year that I went through pain
And so many more years I have to face
I want to cry and turn away
But everyone wants to celebrate
I rejoice in their effort
I cry because they love me
I can't leave
I try to stay
Another year I fought hard for my life
Another year I questioned what's in my head
Another year I broke down more times than I can count
Another year I survived and don't know how
Yes I'm happy I made it this far
But I'm scared of the next part
I dream of real happiness
I hope this gets better
But all I see is more struggle
More pain
More crying
More breakdowns
Fighting to breathe
Fighting to live
Fighting the will to die
I made it this far
But not far enough
Too much time left
Too much time to live
To experience happiness
Pain
Love
Hate
Failure
Success
A future so uncertain
I feel the pain of it already
I brace myself
I calm myself
Another year and I'm older
Another year and I'm more healed but feel so broken
It'll be okay
I can fight this mind for another year
For my whole life
Here we go again
This emotional rollercoaster
That's all this we ever be
That's all life is
The ups and downs
The joy and sadness
And oh so much pain
But I'm not alone
So I'll celebrate that I made it this far
And I'll celebrate that I gave them my heart
And I'll celebrate that this is only the beginning of my long journey ahead

Time passes and before you know it you're broken
Time breaks you
It passes by and you'll never get to know why
I watch as it passes
Oh please come back
Oh please heal me as you pass
But it never does
I'm shattered
All my pieces are on the floor
And people keep picking them up and handing them to me
But only when they noticed that I shattered
I know so much about life though I have barely lived
I've been through so much
I feel so old and yet I'm so young
Wise and broken beyond my years
Take these tears with you time
Take the scars with you
Take this wisdom with you
I don't want it
I want to be dumb and not know anything
Take me away time
I want to be gone
Let's go home time
I think I'm done

I'm not perfect I cry
I'm not perfect I lie
I'm not perfect I make mistakes
I'm not perfect I forget things
I'm not perfect I have bad thoughts
I'm not perfect I think about ending it all
I'm not perfect I'm nowhere near
I have emotions
I'm only human
I'm not perfect and you make me think I'm supposed to be
I'm not perfect and that makes you angry
I'm not perfect and you wish I was
I'm not perfect and I'm so tired of everyone wanting that from me
I don't want to be perfect
I just want to be me

What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Where is this life taking me?
Why am I blindly following?
Who am I?
Do I know myself?
I live inside a stranger
She looks at me in the mirror and I hate her
Am I that ugly person who looks away from the mirror?
I can't be
I don't want to be
Get me out of this stranger
Her mind is toxic
Her looks are hideous
That can't be me
I have to be better
I have to be someone
How can I just be no one?
Why does she not talk?
Why does she stay silent?
Why does she lie?
Why does she hide?
Why does she have such a toxic mind?
Why am I trapped in this stranger?
Where did I go?
Wasn't I happy once?
Was I?
I can't remember
Who is that girl in my photos living my life?
Is that me?
No it can't be
Where did I go?
Where are all those happy times?
Why is it so hard to remember them?
I try to remember
I want to remember
Stop lying about your childhood!
That didn't happen!
You weren't happy!
You cried every night!
What happy child are you talking about!?
Stop lying!
Your life is a lie!
Not happy!
Never happy!
I'm a stranger
Not because I don't know who I am
Because I don't want to know
I want that girl in the mirror to be a stranger
Someone I see and pity smile at her because she looks like she needs it
I don't want her to be me
I want to be the beautiful person who passes her
I don't want to be her
Why am I her?
I can't be her
Let her be a stranger

You may not have taught me to ride a bike
You may not have watched my whole life
You may have missed several years but so did everyone else when they were there
You are my peace
You are my home
You're the father I've never known
You catch me when I fall
You tell me it's alright
You're what my dad could have been if he tried
It's so easy for the conversation to glide
It's not uncomfortable to feel your embrace
I feel the love of a father when you look at my face
I feel the care of dad who can't stand to see his daughter cry
You are nothing but great in my eyes
You're the father I've been needing
The safe place I've been seeking
I lay my head on your chest
I feel nothing but comfort
The look in your eyes tell me everything's alright
You look proud yet I've done nothing
You tell me that I'm something
You call me a blessing when I feel I have burdened
You can always tell when I'm hurting
I knew from the moment you asked if I'm alright that you were what was missing from my life
A part of the puzzle was completed when you hugged me for the first time
When you told me you loved me it healed a piece of my soul
Now I can't let go
You hold on tight but I hold on tighter
Because I can't lose the man that is truly my father

I've compared my life to so many things
I've been waiting for a prince to rescue me
I've been waiting for a perfect life like the ones on TV
I've been waiting for some action like in the books I read
I've been waiting and waiting but it'll never come
for awhile it made me so numb
I got lost and TV and books
I wished I was there
I wished I looked like that perfect TV actress
I wished I had that perfect guy
I wished I had friends that were there for me when I cried
I wished for the perfect sitcom family
I wished that I'd wake up to find that my life was a lie
that'd wake up and that would be my life
my family would be perfect
I'd have so many friends
I'd get the guy who looks like him
someone would want me
I wouldn't be alone
but I always woke up in the same home
day after day lost in a trance
lost in these fantasies I wished were my life
I wished that a dog would save my life
I cried and I cried but they couldn't tell me it was alright
I needed a comforting voice
I needed something to live for
I needed a dad who was parenting me
one who gave me emotional security
yes you were there but it never felt like for me
I called you my mom's husband for so long it made me feel guilty
but I was not wrong because while you love me you weren't the father I need
so I spent my days lost in these fantasies
hoping someone would save me
I often thought about death
I have no fear of dying
these books and TV clear my mind
I become numb and lose myself to a trance just to keep myself alive
I always go back to these fantasies of mine
I wish for perfect that will never be found
I wish what will never be real
so sold on fiction I'm not living
I'm glued to this happiness that they find
and I wish their life was mine
these fantasies are nice but they are not real
I live in these fantasies to forget that I'm here
forget I'm alive
forget I'm depressed
forget all these thoughts in my head
I latch on to these fantasies
they I tell myself can save me
stuck comparing myself to the standards I can never uphold
I will never look like her
I will never be sitcom happy
I will never meet a prince that will make me a princess
I compared myself to these fantasies
I live in these fantasies
I want these fantasies
I will never get those fantasies

I cling to your every word
I watch how your eyes watch me
I see how your face looks when you see me
I look to see if your whispering
I see if you aren't looking
I listen to hear if you say anything
I keep my head down to stay in denial
I wish I could read minds to know what you think
I wish I knew how you felt
I want to know what you won't say out loud
What do you think about me?
Do you think about me?
Who cares?
I care
I'll always care
I'll always wonder
I'll always look
I'll always listen
I'll always keep my head down
Caring is not easy
Caring *****
Caring hurts
Especially when you care too much
Like me
I can't turn it off
I can't help it
I'll always look over my shoulder
But down at the floor at the same time
I'll watch my shoes while I walk
I'll pay attention to myself
And only myself
I'll try my best to let loose and be comfortable
I'll only care about myself
But I'll always care about if anyone else is watching
What are they thinking?
Are they laughing at me?
Did they see me?
Hear me?
Are they talking about me?
Should I have worn this?
Should I cut my hair?
Is it brushed nicely?
Do I look good in this outfit?
Are they just being nice when they compliment me?
Do they mean it?
Do they think I'm weird?
Mental?
Insane?
Nice?
Mean?
Pretty?
Ugly?
Smart?
Dumb?
What do they think!?
Why do I care?
I'll always care

Fighting for my life
Fighting to survive
Fighting for what's right
Fighting for my future
Fighting for the present
Forgetting the past
Moving forward
Fighting to be better
Fighting to make it through
Take on the world
I have to fight the world
I have to fight to survive
I have to fight for everything I have
Nothing comes easy
I must fight
Fighting everything
Fighting for everything
Carrying the world on my shoulders
Putting others ahead of me
Wrap myself with guilt
Sink myself in guilt
Drown myself in stress
But I'm still fighting
I'm always fighting
I'll always fight
I must fight
If I fight I'll have a better chance at life
Fighting to survive
I just want to survive
What do I want to be in the future?
Alive

Reminiscing back to when we were kids
Laughing and playing you know how it is
How it's supposed to be
Smiles and laughter
With no worries
But that wasn't the case
Cause the smiles and laughter were a front for a pain
A way to hide away
A way to say we're fine but we weren't
We were just kids
All wishing life was different
We were just kids who couldn't talk about our pain
All we could do is hide it away
Playing hide and seek but you weren't not searching
We were all hiding
And you didn't come look for us
Playing tag and as we ran away you just stayed in place
You didn't come after us
Didn't bother to try
And we were just kids who didn't know why
We wanted different but you never knew
You were too focused on more important things to do
You had to cook dinner
You had to have a job
You had to put clothes on our backs
Shoes on our feet
While we were laughing and playing
You were slaving away
Trying to give us the best life
Little did you know when we cried
She was being hurt
And you knew
You blamed her for a decision she didn't make
Yes it was a mistake
Not one she liked but yes one she made
I wanted to say something
But what could I say
I was just a kid at the end of the day
Adults turned their heads
We lowered ours
Why did it feel like the world was falling apart
While you sleep at night
I'll stay awake and cry
Cause you spent the day slaving away
While I lived a lie
We were just kids in this messed up world
We were just kids knowing too much
We were just kids with no guts
We were just kids hoping to wake up
Hoping the sun would come out
It was all just a dream
But instead we woke up to your screams
All the arguing that never ended
But we were just kids who didn't know any different
We hid in our room until it was all done
We acted as if we knew nothing
But we did know
We were just kids living our lives
Who knew the day we would wake up and our childhood would be gone
Wasted on tears and sobs
Wasted on laughing and smiling as a front to our pain
Wasting on wishing it was all just a dream
Wasted on never being able to say what you wanted
Wasted on hoping you would see her tomorrow
Wasted on hoping the star you saw was shooting
And the dream you made would soon come true
But you wake up one day and it's all gone
Oh where has our childhood gone
I looked everywhere for it and it's not there
It must have escaped with all my deep sadness somewhere
Now that I'm older I wear my smile with pride
I wish that little girl never cried
I wish she got a chance to wipe those tears from her eyes
I wish better for what once was
But we were just kids and that was our life
We were just kids who managed to survive
Time has gone we are all older
All trying to heal from once was
But we were just kids at the end of the day
All grown up now
I look back and think
How much I miss those kids from yesterday
The kids who laughed and played
The kids who were just kids at the end of the day