A broken mirror
A bleeding fist
A silver blade against a wrist
Tears fall down to lips unkissed
She's not the one you'll come to miss

My bodies cold
lips are blue
why did I do this because of you?

I feel the earth below me
like a pillow under my head
no knives, no guns, but pills instead

The bottle lays empty
cap unscrewed
what did I do? what did I do?

My spirit floats my body lays
my lover finds me
and he prays

I reach for him
I'm ****** away
like a deep crest of a wave

he pounds the ground
screaming why oh why?
I asked myself why did I?

My parents arrive, my best friend too
I thought to myself, What did I do!?

I look away the pains to deep
my life is over because of me

I look back for one last glance
they zip me up in the body bag.
I did this to ease my pain
I lost instead of gained

as I look down my family
I regret that night
my life stopped ticking
because of a fight.

I will rip my veins apart
and then my mind will be at peace
for a while

My wrist will pour blood
I need it to bleed
or bead

I am counting the seconds
till this can happen
10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1..

I am now content
with the results
but I'm getting dizzy

I can hear sirens
the sound is getting stronger
is it coming for me?

Silence
Only tears
As I press the blade
Against my pale skin

Red
The blood flows
From the wounds
Echoing my inner pain

Satisfaction
As I feel the knife
Slicing into me
I only deserve pain

Anguish
As I realize what I've done
I feel accomplishment
As I gaze at the marks upon my skin

Stares
People are horrified
Don't understand why
Neither do I

Another cut
Another tear
Another reminder
That no one is here

As I sit in my room,
Wondering what I should do,
I slowly take this knife,
And try to form a better life.
The pain is released from my body by now,
I just can't help but to scream out loud.
Everything is erased,
I know I can easily be replaced.
I'm stuck in this place,
Against all human race,
Drinking away the pain,
It keeps me from going insane.
The dark is one place I don't fear,
Asking myself, when am I getting out of here?
These thoughts keep coming to my mind,
Just wish I could find,
The truth that says it all.
I want to give up and just let everything fall.
The world as we know it is coming to an end.
I'm wondering if I should press, delete, or send?
Where were you when I needed you the most?
Why are you so scared of my ghost?
Trying to keep from falling apart,
Stabbing me in the heart.
I know that my future isn't supposed to be here,
It's supposed to be in a grave that is very near.
I want to say goodbye to my family and friends,
Just want to let you know that there are dead ends.
Whatever happens in the future,
I want you to know what I say is pure.
If there was one piece of advice I could give,
I would say just sit back and live how you want to live.
Now I think it's time for me to go,
In hopes that this poem will bring you home.
Is this **** really true,
I don't know what else I can do.
I want to give you this rose,
The end was so close,
But now it's so far away,
That is I'm done, I have no more to say.

Cigar cutter arms
Reaching, ever reaching
But are they mine
Or yours?
There’s nothing to do
There’s nothing I can do
Just leave me to myself
He emotes so hard
It’s so hard to emote
Slammed doors
Shut mind
Heavy with pain
In his knees
In his brain
Pulls him under
Waves crashing, crunching
My body
Keeps getting thinner
He holds my head under
He is a strong swimmer

I attempt to align my aches with his
For every one of his nightmares
I have a memory
For every panic attack
A physical assault
I consider propping up his bruises with my scars
We could build a church
Or a bar
Structured out of bullet holes
Supported by columns of razor burns

I buy a plane ticket instead
I build wings from all my tickets
I build a house, a home, a car, a manicured lawn
A husband, 2.4 kids, a dog, memberships with Al-Anon
And yet I still have leftovers
To share
With all the angels of this city

But oh, what a pity
That audacity
Is not the same as love
Diseased pigeons don’t count as doves
He said,
“Baby, it’s all in your head”
I said,
“Yeah, well, that’s what I’m afraid of.”

I am a runaway woman-******* the loose
Dodge bullets, dodge compliments
Slide out of my noose
There’s nothing I can’t do
I’ll just leave you to yourself
I’ll just leave you

I am notorious
Notoriously hard to get
I will always be the girl who finds a way
The woman who gets her way
The one who got away
Just in time

Words words
***** and *****
I run away
I slam the door
I take that knife
And cut my skin
Remembering how ******* up my life has been
I lean to the toilet
Throw up to be thin
At school all I have is a grin
I cut,cut and cut some more
Screaming in pain, blood on the floor
People call me emo people laugh in my face
But they haven't even tried to be in my place
My dad just died, my mom has depression
My brother had to go to a therapy session
Why can't people see my grin is a lie
Everything's done for me, my life slowly fades by
Bloods dripping on the floor, I'm screaming in pain
I can't eat because that means more weight to gain
I wish to be perfect, I say it's not fair
I say that I can hear people talking bout my hair
I cut it all off, my soul has been broken
But never did I tell anyone, my words were never spoken
I take the rope, hang myself in the dark
I no longer have that once beating heart
My friends fall to the ground
When they hear the words "She's dead."
My brother cries as he sleeps on my bed
I am gone
I am done
Just because people were making "fun"
I'm buried on a Saturday, people start crying
All because that one girl stopped trying
So before judging someone based on their weight or cloths
Their laugh, their talk, their hair or nose
Just take a moment to realize and see
That everyone is not who they seem to be

Behind my tears there lies anger
Behind my brave face there are lies
Behind my smile there is sorrow
Behind my lip gloss there is fear
Behind my laugh there are sobs
Behind my eyes there lies the truth
Behind my mask there lies my frown

Trust,
A funny word really
A stupid concept
Why open up
Why let people in
They care for one reason
It helps themselves
It allows them to have a peaceful mind
But trust is a ******* lie
Never is it kept
No matter how hard you try
It's always ripped away
It slaps you in the face
Leaves you lying on the ground
It has no boundaries as to where to stop
It will leave you bleeding more than any cut
It's pain slices deep, wounding
Agonizing hurt, misuse ringing in your ear
Telling you
YOU are the fool
YOU gave me out
YOU let your guards down
Are you mad at ME for YOUR ******* moves?
Mmhhh that's funny too
Blame me for wrecking you ?
When in reality,
It was YOU all along
Your a ****** *******
YOU WANTED to tell you wanted the attention
YOU WANTED them to feel sorry
No matter how much you deny it
That selfish ***** "sliver" of you leaked out
You messed it all up
You wanted pity
Well guess what now you have it
Now everyone knows your ***** little secret
And all because you misused the words
"I trust you"
All because you were too ****** weak
To pathetic to hold your stupid *** together
Your exposed because in truth
THAT is what you wanted all along
You stupid *** *****
There is never such a thing called trust
NEVER will it stay between just you and them
And you KNEW THAT *****
This is your fault
You see never is there trust
Just the falsity of it
Just the green screen as to what happens
Just this lie, deception
Because really trust was never yours  
To be handing out
So really was it the betrayal that hurt you
With broken trust
Or maybe, just maybe
It was yourself

one sad cold night
a girl sat in her chair
picked up a gun
as she ran her fingers through her hair
She sat and cried as she thought
everything that's happened
has all been my fault
She said if I was gone
this would all be better
and she told him
"I love you now more than ever"
She said "trust me
this is for the best
you will see
cause after I'm gone
no more fighting, you'll be free"
She grabbed a bullet
an put it in the gun
said, "I love you so much
but now I have to run"
She said "I'm sorry I can't take this no more.
I've let down so many people
I wish I could go back to before"
She hung up the phone
and pulled the trigger
looked down at her chest
as the pain grew bigger
her eyes filled with tears
they started to pour
as soon as her family ran in
She fell to the floor

Don't call me beautiful,
When your eyes are looking at her
Don't say I'm perfect,
When you count my flaws
And praise her
Don't kiss me,
Whe your lips have been on hers
Don't say you love me,
Because I see her reflection in your eyes

Today my heart is aching
For a man that's far away
I would give anything to hold him
And any ransoms I would pay
I find my mind just Wanders
To a sandy barren hell
And pray that my loving thoughts
Find my soldier safe and sound
Each night before I go to bed
I look up to the skies
And the moon brings me comfort
As tears brim in my eyes
Despite the miles between us
We still shar the stars and sun
So I gaze upon them often
It helps me know we are still one
So as I lie down on my pillow
I close my eyes and think of you
Not only in my waking moments
But you are in all my dreams too
My gorgeous handsome solider
I love you with all my heart
And the hardest thing I've ever done
Is have to accept we had to part
But our love is so much stronger
Than any force I've ever known
In the short time we've been together
It's amazing how much it's grown
So until we are reunited
Please stay safe and strong
My heart is yours forever
With you is where it belongs
Think about me often
My gorgeous handsome man
To wait for you forever
Is my battle plan

And then he saw her scars
Show me the blades
He said
She cried
But she handed them over
He slashed and slashed
But it was his own arm
STOP!!!
She cried
Why are you doing this?!?!
She screamed
He answered in tears
...Because this is what you're doing to me...

You looked at me
Then said I looked gloomy walking these halls
I said nothing what I could have said was scary
Could have said look at my wrists you'll see the hurt
Look in my mind and see the evil depression and suicidal thoughts
Look at my eyes and see the pain filled tears drip from them like a river
Look at my mouth and see the fake smile pressed upon my lips
Hear my words of lies spill never ending from my mouth trying to hide it all
Feel my pulse race when you grab ahold of me and get close
The way my checks flush and I start to shake in fear and confusion
This is not what I'm expecting
Lips hit mine softly but become fiercer and hungry
I'm lost within this kiss and within muddled depths of my mind
Even with fear coursing through my every vein
I can feel the presence of pleasure lurking behind it all
You finally pull away out of breath and look at me ever so softly
I see the love and the hurt in your eyes
The way you try and hide it from me
How could this girl you love  be so...gone or perhaps the  word is lost
She think the exact opposite you say  beautiful she says ugly
Skinny; fat it'll be ok ; never thinks she's gonna make it through the day
You say the only thing you know could have hope of helping/working
"I love you" but today the opposite effect happens
She jerks away hides her face, pulls away like you've slapped her
New fresh hot tears stream from her already warm glistening eyes
You don't know why with every touch she still resists
Then you see the scars buried too deep within her wrists
You don't know what to do
So you sit holding on to her with everything you've got left
She's pulling away trying to escape a confrontation she thinks is coming
She doesn't see what happens next
You use everything ounce of strength you've got left to tug her face to face yours
You don't know what to do anymore but you refuse to give up
You feel so ****** helpless
So you try again and hope that this time it makes it through
You tell her "I LOVE YOU" softly
Then pull her close for a long passionate and unexpected kiss
You feel her warm tears spilling never ending from her eyes
Yet she makes no move to pull away
She's hanging on to you like it's the only thing she gots left
That's when it hits you that it's true she's got nothing left to fight for
She's really given up
She's hanging on from you and you alone
But it's slipping every time she looks back
Her grip loosening
Not a second goes by that she doesn't wish to commit suicide
Or cut or do anything something to take the  pain away
Make this pain and hurt disappear
Just to make herself stop breathing
To just keep bleeding and bleeding
Bleed till the blood runs out
Maybe then just maybe she wouldn't be filled with so much doubt with so much pain and confusion
Then again.......maybe not.
But hell it's worth it to find out right?

His voice it says soothing things like
It’s going to be okay. You’re okay. It’ll be alright
His arms tighten around me and he hugged me close
His face lined with worry
His eyes filled with tears
All the while I’m telling him one of his fears
I’m saying I give up
I’m falling apart
My heart can’t take this
It’s falling apart
My life’s a mess so I’ll take this knife
And I’ll try my best to end my life
I know this isn’t right
I know this will hurt
But I can’t take this pressure
It’s too heavy on my heart and soul

he calls you
paperclip
not because you hold everyone together
when the wind tries so hard
to scatter souls
or because your eyes flash hints of silver
when you talk about your favorite song
or because your lip ring taints your kisses
metallic.

paperclip
because he can downsize you in an instant
replacing you with a version of yourself
that doesn’t weigh his pockets down
your body now too small to hold your essence
and a mouth that will only open wide enough
to swallow.
you are easily forgotten
but somehow always end up
attached to his keychain.

paperclip
because he can bend you to his will
and you don’t even notice
until everything else
begins falling out of your grasp.
every time he snaps you back into place
the world has only changed
but a fraction of a centimeter
and you’re used to measuring your life in kilometers.

paperclip
because he is a staple
leaving puncture wounds in everything he touches
a few drops of blood in every corner of your mind
and when you learn how to extract him from your heart
no goodbye is successful enough to patch
permanent holes you fold yourself in upon
and pretend not to notice.
to this day,
that chapter of your life remains dog-eared
and you wonder
why you still have trouble
picking locks.

I can't do this anymore
I can't stand these names they give me
Why can't they see words hurt
They cut deeper than any blade or razor could
My eyes fill with tears just waiting to spill
But I won't let them they can't know that I have failed
I'm just another mistake
Just another waste of space
Stupid they say and never do I argue
Ugly, fat, pathetic, *****, annoying of course I agree
How could I not be
Depressed to a fault I just have two things in mind
How can I make it this long why can't I just die?

Her face is puffy and red, while painful tears stream down her sad face.
She cries out loudly, hoping someone will hear her silent screams.
So many voices going through her head,
telling her how better she would feel if she were dead.
She places her shaking hands over her ears, trying not to listen.
She yells out once again for help, yet no one comes to her rescue.
She then remains sitting there on her cold bathroom floor, while the clock ticks by.
Her body begins to shake uncontrollably, unable to stop it all.
Starting to realize that no one cares, feeling so alone and helpless.
She finally comes to the decision that there is only one thing left to do.
She brings her shaking hands together, closes her eyes and prays.
She speaks to god one last time and tells him this:

"Lord, I'm so tired and the pain inside doesn't want to go away.
I can no longer shed anymore tears, for my eyes hurt me really bad.
The voices in my head don't want to go away.
My heart aches so bad that it's become too unbearable for me.
No one loves me, no one cares, no one wants me, and no one can help me now.
I tried being the good girl everyone wanted, but it wasn't good enough.
All I wanted was for someone to love me God.
Was I asking too much?
I'm so sorry God but I have to end my suffering the only way I know how.
Please forgive me God for what I'm about to do."

She opens her eyes for the last time, and quickly grabs for the razor blade.
She forces the sharp blade against her wrist.
She starts slitting her veins, deeper and deeper into her flesh.
The dark blood pours out more and more onto the floor all over.
Feeling weaker and weaker, becoming more and more unconscious by the seconds,
the blade drops from her hand onto that cold floor, her final resting place.
Her cold body now collapses to the floor and she slowly begins to feel the pain fade away along with her soul, finally falling into an endless sleep.
She lays there dead, yet free of pain.
It is now quiet, no screams, no tears, no suffering, just utter silence.

Im soon to trying to be
something that is not me
I'm fading fast like a bruise
almost always I am confused
to the edge you push me far
how high can I raise that bar
I take this blade to my wrist
oh how I relish this
down fall the tears
for a unknown amount of years
no matter what I won't tell
I'll just live in my own private hell
I won't show you what I see
for I'm far too good at faking happy
I close my eyes to sleep tonight
but how quickly they open in fright
for I dream
of things better left unseen
I always tired and dazed
for seeing that leaves me in a haze
covering my unease
isn't a simple breeze
I carefully apply my mask
layer upon layer of makeup another task

I feel so numb, I rush to my room
The frantic thoughts in my head start to resume
I rush to my desk and look around
A rusty razor is what I have found
I grab it with one hand and take a seat on the bed
As I lift up my sleeve to reveal what lays ahead
Pale white lines that make creases in my skin
They're there to remind me that I'll never win
I want to feel something so I render my arm
to the vicious temptations of committing self harm
First I imagine the pain I will feel
And I press the blade down to make it more real
I imagine the red liquid that will flow from my vein
And I wonder if I'm truly going insane
I close my eyes tight and clench my fist
As I drag my old razor across the top of my wrist
A raging pain I remember all to well
As I bite back my lip yo keep back a yell
I open my eyes and look down in dismay
As the blood keeps running without delay
I know I'm in pain but at least I feel
And besides in time it's going to heal
I go to the bathroom and try my best
To patch up my wound and clean up the mess
I rinse off the blade and return it to its place
So if I need it again it's in its there just in case
I lay in my bed and take on lest glance at my arm
Just another day falling victim to self harm

Every day I walk
to school
in short shorts and
black socks,
black shoes,
a black sweatshirt and
a black bandana woven beneath
golden blonde hair.

And on days when
the sun blazes
turning concrete into
rivers
they wonder.

Did I etch into my skin
the silver ink
of shame and
alienation?

Do the words
and the hurt still
run liquid red beneath the
heavy black fabric?

They are so quick
to judge and call me
‘Emo’ or
‘Goth,’
to think that I
would take up the sword
against myself and
inscribe a history
of self-hate or
perpetual misery.

But they’re never stopped
to consider--

maybe even on hot days
the icy bite of loneliness
clings to my limbs
and never leaves, or that

perhaps I want to be invisible,
fade into the shadows
like the very essence of my
self-esteem and dignity

only shadows of what I
used to be.

You pass me on the street and out eyes briefly meet.
You hold the door open for me as I enter behind you.
I say thanks, but you have no idea that my mind is blank.
In the elevator you crack a joke, I flash a smile,
you have no idea that my heart is in denial.
You ask me how my day was and I say fine.
You have no idea that my brain and I are arguing to if I should cross the line.
My happiness is gone as I walk in this world.
The thoughts in my head have me wishing I was laying in a cold dark hole.
Once you lose your soul there is no turning back.
Everything you once dreamed of no longer has an impact.
You don't want to love nor do you want to have fun.
Your days are so long the problems in your mind make you question if you should carry on.
You smile so that's what people see on your face,
they think that you are happy but deep down inside you feel like a worthless disgrace.
Each day the performance you put on for people is Emmy award winning,
But you question yourself and wonder if you act is just a way for you to hold off your own internal sinnings.
When you wake up from a night's sleep you wonder to yourself if today is the day your heart will be back to it's old self or will it still be skipping every other beat.
You wonder if things that once made you happy to be alive will make a comeback.
You wonder if the little things in life that made you who you are will have you once again dreaming to the stars.
You wonder if you will feel less empty hearted.
You wonder to yourself who holds the match to start that fire.
You're tired of running and losing your breath.
You want to hold tight to something that will help you once again enjoy the journey into lives amazing treks.
You want to feel that every day can be better than the last.
You want to turn your lost soul feeling into a thing of your past.....

Just a cut
Just a scratch
"What's that mark?"
"It was the cat."
Just an excuse
"What's with all the bracelets?"
"Just fashion. Why?"
Just a tear
Just a scream
"Why were you crying?"
"Just a bad dream."

Look into my eyes
Tell me what you see
It won't be happy
It won't be pretty

The way I act
Makes me seem happy
It makes me seem fine
But look into my eyes

There you will see
See the hurt
See the hate
In my eyes I will seem distant

Look into my eyes
There you will see everything
Everything I hold inside
There you will see me

What do you call it when all you feel is pain?
When your loved ones look at you and all you feel is shame?
When your tired of living and playing this game?
When you know your life is meaningless and your the only one to blame?
What do you call it when the hurt is in your soul?
When you smile and laugh but know it's all a show?
When you feel you have hit your all time low?
When nothing makes you happy and the darkness around you grows?
What do you call it when you feel so alone?
When you're in your house but it doesn't feel like home?
When you look back in your life and every choice you've made now seems wrong?
When the wait to die seems like it's too long?

Your lips on mine
The touch of your hands
I want the feel of you skin

Our mouths moving in time
No space between us
Exploring

Wanting in your mind
Knowing you are mine

Your hot breath Consumes my ears
My neck, Victim to your tongue
Your lips on my neck
Rough
Insistent
Heated passion
With kisses that Burn
Making me want more

All I want is you
No one else
Nothing else
I want you to merge with me
I want us to become one

But alas I'm afraid
I sense you are too
One day will be the day
We wont turn away
We won't hide from our love

More than kissing
More than feeling
Actually taking what is mine
Knowing there is no one else

You have my heart and no one else
I could never love anyone else
The way I do you

You are my world
My light
Everything

Nothing compares to you
With your sometimes tan skin
Your gorgeous brown eyes

With all your quirks
You are amazing
No one is better than you

It's hard to find the right words
The right words to describe you

Amazing
Sweet
Loving

You're all I need
You're all I want
You and your mouth
Your touch
Your warmth
your love
All your quirks
All your love

I know this isn't what you wanted.
Not what you intended.
You just wanted an escape
got tired of the weight.
You carry a heavy burden
it haunts you day by day.
And the day it came upon you
was the day you forever changed.
You tried giving hints.
But nothing seemed to work.
The only thing that happened
was you kept getting hurt.
People laugh and people joke
but none of them really know.
They don't know the nightmare
that you call life.
Don't know how hard it is
to avoid that pocket knife.
You hear a joke, another laugh.
And you cut deep, another ****.
And I pray to God that you see the light
before you accidently risk your own life.

I was once sad and lonely,
Having nobody to comfort me,
So I wore a mask that always smiled;
To hide my feelings behind a lie.

Before long, I had many friends;
With my mask, I was one of them.
But deep inside, I still felt empty,
Like I was missing a part of me.

Nobody could hear my cries at night
For I designed my mask to hide the lies.
Nobody could see the pain I was feeling
For I designed my mask to be laughing.

Behind all the smiles were the tears
And behind all the comfort were the fears.
Everything you think you see,
Wasn't everything there was to me.

Day by day,
I was slowly dying.
I couldn't go on,
There was something missing..

Until now I'm still searching
For the thing that'll stop my crying.
For someone who'll erase my fears,
For the person who'll wipe my tears.

But till then I'll keep on smiling.
Hiding behind this mask I'm wearing.
Hoping one day I can smile,
Till then, I'll be here.. waiting.

From all I did and all I said
let no one try to find out who I was.
An obstacle was there that changed the pattern
of my actions and the manner of my life.
An obstacle was often there
to stop me when I’d begin to speak.
From my most unnoticed actions,
my most veiled writing—
from these alone will I be understood.
But maybe it isn’t worth so much concern,
so much effort to discover who I really am.
Later, in a more perfect society,
someone else made just like me
is certain to appear and act freely.

A dream of hidden death,
Embedded in her flowers –
Dripping; drenched in nectar tears

Now the dream of dying soul;
Confined, a trembling heart is
Squeezing out the ember years

And in her dream of youth,
Abounding buttocks writhe,
Acting out the careless dares

But the dream of hideous beauty:
Self-delusion, begging fears

Evolving from an agonising birth, her
Blacker days eclipsing; draining worth

‘So ugly living calls to die –
Forever in the dreams I cry! ’

****** debt; a laughing lie
Were done for her –
A blade for sure!
The dreams to cure!

A calming sigh…

And in a smile of pain
She bled and waned
Her cold pathetic bye

Some call is crazy
Some say that it's sick
But I think it's freedom
The pain is fierce but quick
Some say that it's a sin
Just a little to risque
but it helps release the pain
That i go through every day
The blade is sharp and cold
As it runs across my skin
Leaving me to ponder
And decide how deep to cut in
The icy chill running down my spine
Makes me feel at ease
I no longer feel like a coward
**** up on everything with every breath i breathe
But some days i want to stop
Feeling like everything's wrong
Trying to let go of the blade
Sometimes i can but not for long
It's like i'm addicted to the pain
The feeling taking refugee in my veins
Leaving me feeling confused and alone
Wiping at the streaked tears that seem to be stained
Burned into into my skin forever
Becoming a part that i cannot escape
Sometimes i just want to hurt all over
To scream at the top of my lungs until the break
I want my escape from my sadness
It's taking over me
Why can't i just rest
Why won't it let me be
I just want to be free.

It's a new day
But it's still gray
Nothing to awake for
Waking up is just a chore
Fear grips your stomach
And anger fills your mind
Tears stain your face
As you wonder where is my place
And blood drips down your arm
You've committed a "crime" called self harm
It's a mess to clean
A battle to be fought
But each day you wake up
With more scars on your wrist
Is another challenge beat
Your alive right?
As the day comes to a close
The pills beside your bed
Just begging you to choke them down
The knife held in your hand
Tempting you to bleed it out
The belt on your waist
Persuading you to cut off the toxic air
Forget all the pains but the one you create
Forget everything good or bad alike
***** society and its rules
You never have fit in
So let's take these things and have our end
Close your eyes tight
Say goodnight
And commit the best or worst act of your life
But before you do remember each life is special
Each deserves a fighting chance
Don't give up to early for you'll only regret
Chances that were left not taken
Secrets and pleasures never experienced
Yes it seems bad but then again
How could there be a rainbow with no rain?

A flash of silver,
A touch of steel.
I hold my breath as it makes me feel.

A stinging pain,
Oh, how I swore I'd never do it again.
A crimson line,
One more,
One more,
And one last time.

Pulling down the sleeves,
Smiling to please.
Feeling numb.

Wishing to hurt,
Wishing to cry,
Wishing to scream.
Why?
I'm tired of telling myself
"One last time."

Pinstripe Suit

When I'm an old lunatic I shall wear a black and white pinstriped suit
I'm trapped inside the prison walls
That used to be my mind
The wallowing woman that I used to be
Has long been left behind

There are times I'm quite alert
My memory’s still intact
Then there are days when I shall disappear
And no it’s not an act

With an anesthetic air to it
The squeaky doors
My mind flows like a never ending pit
And creaky carpet bare floors

The halls as silent as a morgue
Pill meals to which I never want
They're like a cardboard box that kicks you numb
My old memories still do haunt


Blindly walking the paths laid out for me
When I'm old I shall be completely crazy
I'll scream and shout loudly to make sure you hear me clearly
I'll ramble on and on about my past times
When suddenly I am old and start to wear black and white pinstriped suits

I'm tired and numb
I bow my head and look at the floor
Stained and yellow and tainted with blood
I wash away the hidden identity
You come home with a smile on your face
You see nothing, no trace of me
You see the knife in the sink and pick it up
There is nothing; not one thing
I pull back the tears I so badly want to cry
The ones that I know you want to see
And with those tears I know I can express those feelings
But I'm afraid you won't see them
I'm not myself anymore but you just don't realize it
You pay no attention as I skip my meals and hide away
I'm scared and you don't know that
I wish you could just understand
I feel cold as I run from myself
I am frozen and shrug it away
This blade is the only way that I can compete with this pain
And sooner or later it goes away
I try to scream out but I never can be heard
You don't listen for that scream
I pull down my sleeves and shove my wrists in your face
And yet you see absolutely nothing
This other side of me is trapped
Trying to be heard
I don't want to make the other choice
The one where I disappear for life
I've thought about it, I truly have
I try to tell you but my voice just cracks
I don't want to be sent away to some crazy camp
Can't you understand that I want your help?
Your hands on mine
Your tears with mine
You sobs combined with mine
And yet I feel and hear nothing
Take this burden from my shoulders
Throw it away and chop it to pieces
I want to just stop and give up
But i can never find the strengths to do it
And this pain I finally extinguish
Won't be because you helped me
It won't be because you finally heard me
But because that single thread has been broken
I'm trapped inside and not knowing what to do
I'm scared and Im sad and you don't get it
I don't know my next step or what I might finally do
And yet you still walk around being you
Please hear me
Please see me
Before I do something I might truly regret
And leave everything behind

I pull the blade across my already torn and tattered wrist
I bite my lip and I wonder........Has anyone else ever felt like this?
No....Of Course not......I quickly push it from my mind
As this blade erases everything from my mind
My blood starts to flow and all the memories quickly fade away
Nothing else could possibly matter when I feel this way
I breath a single sigh of relief as this amazing release takes its hold
Why can't anyone else understand this?
It's a bad thing......or so I've been told
But only it's the bad thing
It's the thing that keeps me sane
The blade is always searching for willing flesh to play its twisted game
I'm always a willing partner
I could never say no
It's a giver and taker
And I am firmly in its hold
Never does it let me down
Always it will ease the pain
But sometimes I have to wonder if I've gone too far
Just what exactly is my blade washing away?
Is it my pain?....Is it my sins?......
Is it every dark, evil, and ugly thing that lives within?
I'm not sure and of course it never tells
It's secrets.......alike to mine are condemning to hell

I walk these halls holding my wrists
I'm hoping that no one will see me when I'm like this
He looks at me scared as to what he will find
Never did he think that I had these things in mind
With tears in his eyes he asks "Are there anymore?"
I whisper a simple reply "Did you ever wonder what bracelets were for?"

I take a glance,
at the scars on my wrists
they tell me,
it doesn't have to be like this
I want to talk,
to let it out
but nobody is there to listen,
even when I shout
depression is dark
so speak up
before it takes you away
and covers your mouth

Take a knife and cut me up
If you hate me you won't stop
Make me feel the pain within
As your slitting through my skin
Make me weaker as I bleed
For your mercy make me plead
Hear me screaming in the dark
As you leave your painful mark
Blood is running down my face
As my beauty you erase
Trying to cut through every vein
On your shirt your leaving stains
I wish you knew I didn't care
If you hurt me everywhere
You can slit my skin apart
But you can't cut
Through my broken heart

I talked to you
About all the mixed up stuff
Kept away in my head

You were understanding
And helpful
And it was great
And if felt so much better than usual

You helped me so much
When I thought you would get mad
But you didn't
And I'm so thankful for everything you do

That girl in your class
She laughs
She has a smile that lights up
An entire room.

That girl in your class,
She has great grades,
She doesn't even have to try.

That girl in your class,
She has seemingly amazing friends,
Who care about her.

That girl in your class,
She has scars,
Lines marking her body,
And friends that don't notice,
And some that don't care.

That girl in your class,
Doesn't remember
What's like to not cry,
She cries herself to sleep
Every night.

But hey, she smiles,
So she's okay.
Right?

The blood that bleeds
It bleeds and leaks
Emotions pour out
Releases the doubt
Down your arm
Its calling out
That shiny blade
It screams and screams
LET ME OUT
Your cares and dreams
Wanna shout
Take me out
Push me in
Deeper and deeper
Your getting weaker
You can't refuse
Nothing to lose
Emotions drain
With every slice
Feeling alive
For that pain
You can't deprive
And when it dries
You cry and cry
You see that blade
Calling out
CUT THE PAIN AWAY
Just breakout
Checkout of life
Slice to bleed
Bleed to slice
Roll the dice
Take a chance
Stop the pain
Of sharp romance
Another way
Not today
Its no coincidence
Its confidence
Believe
Not in a crisp blade
In chances and life
Drop the knife
Its not your friend
This is the beginning
That's the end

When I'm all alone
I sit in the bath just a little bit longer,
hoping and hoping I drift off to sleep
Or smoke three cigarettes
one after the other after the other
and hope my lungs get so filled with tar that I
stop breathing
Or stand dangerously close to the edge of a building
and close my eyes hoping the wind might *******
just hard enough to fall

It's easy to imagine
I know what everyone would say
How some people would cry
And some would secretly be glad
Some would feel guilt
Others sorrow
And in about a week it wouldn't matter

But I want to matter
Whether it be to just my mom
Or the man I helped cross the street
I want to matter

And so I tuck those thoughts deeper in the closet
And I step away from sharp objects and steep edges
And I sit and write poetry
Poetry will be the death of us all
Anyway

I am a girl that everyone knows
Beautiful grin, no worries or woes
Laugh is one you'll never forget
I'm living in my past debt
I  hate my body, say I am fat
I  shouldn't hate myself, but don't know that
I'm the girl with the biggest smile
Nobody knows I  force up bile
Feels worthless, ugly, abandoned, wasted
No one knows the tears I have tasted
Cry myself to sleep at night
But smiles again once it is bright
I pull the blade across my skin
Takes comfort in the pain that I'm in
I love the sight of my own blood
I want to see the beautiful flood
I once said I wished I was dead
I meant it, wasn't just in my head
I am that girl that nobody knows
Inside my walls I'm forever enclosed

Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear 'normal'
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn't be here now
If guilt would leave me be

I know there's been many
Who've had it worse than I
But that doesn't always mean
That I wouldn't say good-bye

People say I have a lot going for me
I'm sorry, but I just can't see
I can't see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I'm nothing if I'm not up or down
I'm nothing if just 'me.'

Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I'm made of lead.

Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It's hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It's hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can't do anything right.
This is how I've felt my whole dang life
It didn't just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to 'sit tight.'

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.

Nobody knows how different I am
The outside of me is not afraid
Not full of pain, or even ashamed
I smile and all of those ignorant fools believe
Of course nothing could be wrong with me
My eyes are dry, I do not shed tears
For that gift was taken away from me dear
I laugh and talk and play along
Keep on existing as if nothings wrong

Nobody knows how different I am
The inside of me is hollow and empty
Do not fret my dear, for I do not want your pity
I'm tattered and broken beyond repair
My heart is crumbling and full of despair
I'm bloodied and beaten and not really living
I just go through the motions and continue existing
I'm scared and lost, clueless as can be
Is there no one out there to help me

Nobody knows how different I am
And that will never change

First touch
First kiss,  bliss
I lick my lips
The tension releases
This feeling I feel
A sickness
This desire builds
All this touching
Still can't get my fill
Craving that look
Of passion in your eyes
Your disguise,
The satisfaction
Of friction,  sweat
Dripping between crevaces
Following the path
The moisture leaves a trail
To the bottom of the ocean
Explosion
Keep going
To the flame inside
It burns,  for you
Steady and hard
I feel this hunger
Quench my thirst
A slow and soft kiss,
First
Then it's just enough
The volcano erupts
Fall down,  bliss
It all started
With one sweet kiss

Shivers running down my spine
My heart is racing
Running
Sprinting
My breath catches in my throat
Refusing to leave as his hands
Linger on my thighs
Like leaves dancing across the lawn
Gently and lightly moving