She plans, she waits, she is patient
Mostly she can be ignored
Chained to the wall
Kept in the box
High on the upper shelf
In the back of the room
The one with the mind locks
She awaits her moment
She bides her time
She is a creature of opportunity
To seek the vulnerable space in heart and mind
But her whispers break through the bonds
A litany, a cycle, on repeat
"Why would anyone ever want you?
What makes you think you're so special?
What makes you think yourself worthy...
of time
of space
of thought
of love
You're not smart
You know nothing
You've done nothing
No accomplishments that matter
Never an original thought
Never an original sin
How could you possibly believe anyone would let you in?
They're just being nice
They're just bored
They'll disappear when someone interesting comes along
You don't matter
You're not special
You are nothing
Don't even bother
Don't even try
Don't say anything
Don't do anything
Know you're place (see, you can't even use the right "your", stupid little girl")
Stay in YOUR place
Don't take the risk
Don't believe they actually want to
talk to you
share time
or space
or body with you
You know you're too dumb, too slow, too fat, too dull
Why try to kid yourself..."
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on ...
White noise over the quiet parts of the loudest songs
Until I buckle and become ensnared
As her shadow covers and envelopes
And knocks me off my feet
And kicks me when I'm down
Pummeled, crying in the corner of my my mind
I reach out blindly for reassurance
Someone somewhere somehow
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know
But she's taken over
She's in control
She knows which way to go
To make her point and become enfleshed
She's been watching
She knows where to strike
She's found the softest part of my underbelly
She's been sharpening her strongest knife
The place without much solid ground
It's tenuous, it's new, it's risk
The place where the wild things grow
And she strikes, sinks claws in deep
Sends a message across space and time
When I know better than to cross that line
Not the right time to ask,
not fair
not needed
the exact opposite, in fact
And you, bless your heart, you don't engage
Leave me alone on that stage
Let me fight this monster of mine
I'll thank you for that another time
She wants be lost and alone.
This monster who took over my phone
And said truths better left alone
She likes making a fool of me
Exposing my vulnerability
But see, I know she lies to me
I know she's wrong
I know she's naught but the expression of weakness in me
This is why she lives in the mind-locked room, top corner, back of the shelf
So I rest, regroup, refresh, relax
Find my own way out of the darkness
Back to my meandering path
Turn focus on the things I KNOW
And give the rest some space to grow
I know I'm smart, and deep, and clever
(But, yes, I am a little slow)
I know that I know nothing
(And I know that knowing I know nothing is something to know)
I know that I've done a lot, been a lot, accomplished a lot
(And I know the past is naught but experience to color my choices in the future)
I know that I exist and therefore I am special
(A lot of crazy impossibilities aligned to bring me here today, and that makes me special...just like the rest of the plants and animals filling this reality)
And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know that people wouldn't
talk to me
share time
share space
share thought
with me if they didn't want to
So why worry about it?
(Snaps the chain around her neck)
Why push?
(Puts her box back on the shelf)
Why stay on solid ground?
(Turns the key on the mind-locked door)
I know I like to tread quicksand
PSA - Don't text drunk, high, or insecure