Thoughts of you
I don't know why it happens but the organization of my foundations are losing ground as I try to catch my breath and steal my smile back from you
It feels like cold coffee and Sunday afternoons and falling in love with you was never what I intended to do
so I'll ask if it's okay if I take these words back but now I let them out anyway hoping they'll reach the places you go one day when I am all on my own and you find a new me with a better way of taking in your grace

Let me make a map so I can find my way back to the spaces I left you in
these faces aren't new to me but the places we used to be put me in a  nightmare when I remember how it could/would be
17 and crazed dazed hopelessly rethinking ways to trace your face
behind brown eyes and white lies I uncomfortably shift through my thoughts of you and let go

I want to let you know how I feel
before we go
I don't know how I would be if the daydreams
became something that could keep you warm
when your features fade from my brain
Pictures will remind me that it's okay to be searching for a way to know you are okay
even though I am far from the way I used to know you
let me know before you go

I get lost in your moments
the few that I find
are like holding onto writings of another time
when we were clearly invested in the person we were
but that doesn't matter when we get lost in the picture frames of names I used to know
trying to find the things that remind us of you and me
the distance is frightening
and
This city reflects the steps that I take without you
so please leave San Francisco
I feel your steps in the cracks of the pavement I walk
and I try to replace the way the street signs used to look with your hand in mine

I see faces and I pass places we used to go but it doesn’t feel right when I keep wondering what it would feel like if you took my hand and this is the part that I forget to start because car rides seem shorter and nights get longer when I wonder what I would do if I wasn’t able to see you
I am trying to know where we would end and I get that this is just my head trying to let me live through a person that has what I think I need but feelings come and go and for once I would like to be close to someone that wants to be close to me and it will happen when it happens and life is a series of “happens” so I am starting to get a little dizzy at the thought of losing you in my thoughts because you seem less real there as I fill in the pieces I don’t know with what I want but then I lose you and the parts I thought I would hold on to

A brief conversation with my therapist
Him: Tell me why you aren't okay?
Me: I don't know why I'm not okay aren't you suppose to tell me that
Him: well do you like your dad?
Me: no
Me: maybe
Me: sometimes
Me: that's not the reason why I...
Him: well there you go
Him: fill out this chart and let me know when you want to start
Me: