But I still love you

My stomach is turning inside out
I can taste the morning sickness
I couldn’t tell you why this happens
Just what managed to make it unnoticed

Murderer
Murderer
Murderer
A word I can’t get out of my head
A murderer is moving back into my house

Could he just disappear again
Jail, apartment, the street
I really don’t have a preference
Just find a place for the lunatic

Obviously I don’t sympathize
But I used to have his anger
It took me years to contain mine
Yet he feels good even yelling at his kids

We didn’t have the same experience
He lost his mother
A person he lived with for two extra years
Someone he could never support-
Not with money nor words
I lost a grandmother I couldn’t seem to stop caring about
Not in the five years she came to live with us
Yet she hated me
A grandchild who did nothing but care
I wanted to know her and learn her stories
But she pushed me aside like I was too much
Well
I’m depressed, close to failing grades
I have one dream and I don’t know where it ends
Am I bad enough for you now?

I was venting
In all honesty
I have no one to talk to
I’m alone yet again
It’s fine
I knew it was hard, and believe what you want, I’m just hurt that every time I open up it gets thrown in my face
It’s not your fault obviously
You could’ve done something, but it wouldn’t be worth the risk
Forget me
I’m just a lost cause
In every reality
Except the one I wish was true

There’s a lot of space between us
Even so
I wished you’d hear the engine spattering
My foot lifting off the clutch slightly too quick

There’s a lot of space between us
Yet you’re still on my mind
Good, bad, longing thoughts-
I can’t seem to shake off

There’s a lot of space between us
But you’re still filling my heart
Making the world bright and purple
Lifting me up inside

That space between us
It echoes in my soul
Pounding through my chest
Trembling across my fingers

The space between us
Isn’t a lovely thing
But somehow-
It’s still pure

I didn’t expect to ever cry reading your letter
Especially not this soon
It’s too soon
It still smells like you

Where are you
What are you doing
I know the answers
I just wonder in my head

It’s been an hour
But it’s felt like forever
I don’t intend to be clingy
But oh do I want to

I’ll keep waiting
I’ll keep thinking
Afterall, it’s worth it
Even for a moment-they’re everything

Is this real?
Yesterday life was life
I could feel happiness
Now I’m numb
I still feel pain
It won’t go
I still feel sick
It won’t ever go
And after all of this
I’m still hopeful
Who made me like this
I’m not good at heartbreak
Even after a fourth time

I understand
It’s just killing me
I can’t be there
That’s all I want to be

I thought I couldn’t cry
I didn’t know why
Now I know
You kept me whole

Keys
MY keys
For MY car
My brother in the passenger seat
Of MY car
My mom in the back seat
Still my car!

I pray first gear will be smooth
Somehow everyone’s head stayed still
I shift to second
Can’t win all your battles…
But I’m smiling
Not because I know where I’m going
I know who I’m going to

We pull in to the Wa
I’m not sure if I locked my car
My mind is racing
I feel nervous-
But in a lovey dovey feel

I lay my eyes on her
She smiles
I smile back
Not on purpose-
I felt like it-
Similar to a dog wagging its tail

We order our food
I walk to the drinks
There she is
The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen
My favorite girl-
My baby

Somehow I manage to stumble on a hi
Who does that?
I wait to make a stupid quip
Since when am I careful on my quips??
I can’t stop looking into her gorgeous eyes
Why can’t I stop feeling in love???

Soon I watch her walk back
I can’t help but eye her down
Not that she isn’t anything I haven’t seen
She’s not something ever worth drifting from-
Even with just my eyes

And in that moment
I feel safe
My public anxiety fails to hold me down
My world is right here
I’m sticking by it
Even as I stall the car at the stop sign…

When will I not **** up
Why can’t I do it now

“Emotionless”
“Dead inside”
“Careless”

I grew up believing that’s who I was
I’m not a person
I live to fit in
I fit in to have a life

Today I felt different
I felt warmth
Talking to my grandmother
Playing a sax piano duet with my other grandmother

I didn’t feel alone
But I always feel alone
My depression silenced
I became an anxious boy with a heart

I realize now
I wasn’t broken
My heart was waiting
Till it could beat purple

I’ve been as honest as I can be.
I haven’t lied,
I haven’t not tried,
I haven’t even cried.
So why does it feel like you’re reaching too far inside.

How I feel,
Is for my heart,
Also known as me and her,
And considered none of your business.
Also, you haven’t asked about that.
I’m not sure I could tell you,
Not because I’m afraid of any consequence,
But because I made a promise,
And I intend to keep it.

You don’t know.
Not me,
Not this,
Not that,
Not anything.

You should leave now.
Before my problems make you sick too.

I know I wasn’t here
I’m trying to be
I just don’t want to mess up
I don’t want us to run into problems

I’m scared
I have one vulnerable point in my life
And that’s being stressed
It makes me feel sick

But it’s okay
I still love you
And I miss you baby
I hope you’re getting better

I have no one
Nobody to tell me it’ll be okay
Nobody to support me
Nobody to hold me

I’m alone
Left in my puddle of sorrow
This is me
This is Sean

He’s not evil
He’s not some stupid boy
He doesn’t intentionally hurt people
He just gets damaged

I’m so broken
I’m not even broken
I’m so lost
That, I am

I don’t know how to act
If I live my life
If I drop it all
I can’t even think of any future

One night
Took it all away
And nobody to blame
I don’t know what schemes went on

I’m just left here
Completely alone
No friends, no support, no nothing
Empty

The sun came down
My body adjusting to the temperature
Eyes adjusting to the darkness
Muscles adjusting to the wear of marching

I feel proud of myself
Something I typically can’t do
The day might be nearing an end
But it’s been full of surprises

I sped the way home
Watching the road turn into blotches of color
Hearing the car roar shifting into third

I didn’t feel fake
I threw away the mask
I became me-Sean
I lived my life-it was worth it

I’ll write you all the time
Anytime
For the rest of the time if you wish
Not to spam your main page


I want this too
I didn’t need it
But god do I wish I deserve it
We work like no other pairing

Right now
Your sweet messages make me smile at my phone
I smile reading poems for me
I smiled when hidden feelings were reflected

But I know you’re not a rebound
You made me feel okay in a world of chaos
You didn’t cover my ears and change the story
You made life a goal-and something to enjoy

I don’t just accept you
I choose you
I may have refrained from saying you’re pretty
But there’s no need for that dear

My favorite color is purple
No I’m not a girl!
I have a poem about it
You can find the darkness and everything else

I have strange quips
But am I excited to show you more real me
I’ve been dying to be real with someone
No hiding truths just full honestly and emotion

I do have an honesty problem
No I don’t lie
I can’t stop telling the truth
But I imagine we’ll be okay with that

Honestly?
We’re poor- I can’t drive very far confidently
I’d probably want to take you everywhere tho
But I think you wanted answers

I can see us affording reasonable food
Let me get all the doors for you though
You have no need to touch even a car door handle
It’s my pleasure to get it for you

Oh but I’d love to take you home with me
To say I’ve found you
We could watch a movie then
Or start a show for us

But don’t be fooled
I’d just want reasons to spend more time-
More time with an amazing woman
And that, is you, Lillith

I cried
Hard
Sure it happens every night
I didn’t expect the school parking lot
Certainly not my own car

He said-
We’re expecting-
A three letter appearance
And I knew-
It was to throw **** in our faces

So I left
I sobbed in my car
Feeling helpless-
Being alone

And I yelled-cried the whole way home
Four minutes
But four minutes of honesty

Then I let myself rot
I felt like ****
I’m not sore though
I wish my body took a bit longer to adapt

And I read a poem
A nice poem
A relatable poem
A poem that made me cry-
But in a sympathetic way

Because even now
In two worlds destined to be apart
We’re still as close as ever
Still feeling the same pain

Maybe it won’t be us
But you’ll always be my Laura
Just remember when I don’t cuss
That started with you, Eliza

Chest thudding
Hands shaking
I lose control of my body
Even if my mind still works the same

I can feel my blood flowing
Cold
Tired
But fast

I get a constant chill
My pain goes away
I’m left with a broken everything
Nobody left me like this but me

My walls are clean
My walls were clean
Does blood count as clean
As they drip down the dents and cracks

I leave my fists to dry
But they beg for more
Until I’m no longer sitting in just tears
My tears-my blood-my filth

They don’t leave marks
Just swollen knuckles
I say I hit the wall playing vr
Nobody sees me plucking paint chips from wounds

Why is now normal
What happened to last week
I’m stuck in the past again
This time-it’s permanent

It feels like me
Happiness was too much to ask for
My stomach wants to **** me though
I need an antidote

I thought I was crazy-
Being messaged about my poems
About heartbreak!
-And feeling something real
A connection that lingered in my mind
One that danced around my heart

One minute it was a spark
The next-
Or ten messages later
-it was a flame

So when I say I feel it too
When I say I like you
When I say you’re stuck in my head
When I say you’ve found the door to my heart
When I say I missed you more than you know
Believe me-I think I need you to

I fell
And as I did
The world spun around me
I think the stars were trying to say something-
Oh never mind
I can’t see them-I’m inside
So what were those things..
Maybe it’s air
Maybe it’s hope
Whatever it is
It’s in sight
But out of reach-
So is my ability to get up
So is the handle to my bedroom door
And so is the life I liked living