I hate the way you know when something’s wrong,
I hate that you always know what to say to calm me down.
I hate when you disappear at night,
I hate it when I wait for you to wake up.
I hate watching you hurt yourself,
And knowing I can’t stop the pain.
I hate how insecure I feel knowing you can read me like a concert band piece,
Which isn’t such a bad thing when I get quiet and silently beg for someone to notice.
Really,
I hate going through my day without you,
In fact,
I hate everyday I don’t see you.
But in truth,
I’m never going to leave,
Because maybe-
Maybe I hate the fact that I lied,
I don’t hate this,
No not at all,
What I hate is the idea of a world without us.

I face planted
Right through my bedroom door
Straight into the burning carpet
It was quick
But silent
As if I never made an impact
I wonder if my death will be like that
Will anyone be left to hear it
Or will I have to cry and wail
Scream and yell
Until someone listens
Would they want to hear it
Or see it
Would I matter to them
Or would they walk past
Like a half chewed rat left in the street
Do I belong on the street
Do I even belong anywhere
I’m not sure
But right now
I can’t get up
I’m glued to the carpet
Accepting fate
A silent fate

I feel the tears slide down my cheek
Crossing the lines around my nose
And I know
It’s going to be a long-
Lonely night

I thought this year was horrible
But the more I think about it
I wish I could go back
Not to change my decisions
But to relive it one more time
Knowing things will change
But accepting the beauty of it

I don’t miss her
But sometimes I want a good argument
Sometimes I want the doorbell to ring
Some days I wish I wasn’t in bed alone
And it’s my choice what to do about it
Doesn’t mean I didn’t like it

I miss my friends
And not because I want to hang out
We don’t endlessly call anymore
We don’t make fun of random people
I don’t have my support pals

I miss the musical chaos
Of going to pit every day
Marching band terrors
Learning the jazz band soli
Auditioning for districts
I miss district jazz the most
I loved being with people who knew-
What they were doing-
And what they wanted to do
I miss district band
Resting on her shoulder
Playing classically
The moments were surreal

I want life to be normal
But I don’t want it to change
I wish it could all work out
Like it was

You’re the sun when the day feels gray,
burning gold through every cloud in my way.
When I’m lost in the silence of my own storm,
your warmth is the only thing keeping me warm.

Your beauty doesn’t beg, it just is,
a quiet kind of magic wrapped in bliss.
Like the light spilling over a sleeping town,
you don’t even try—and still, I drown.

Your eyes are oceans, deep and true,
not just blue—the blue I never knew.
Every glance pulls me out past shore,
makes me forget what I was hurting for.

Your voice is a hush the world can’t fake,
like angels resting in the breath they take.
It smooths the sharp edges of my mind,
like wind through the trees, soft and kind.

When you’re near, the world slows down,
like time kneels to you, lays down its crown.
Even silence feels more alive when you speak,
a whisper from you makes my knees go weak.

I don’t need answers, I don’t need signs—
I’ve already found all I need in your lines.
The sun, the sea, the voice I knew—
they’ve always been you, just you.

One day
I’m going to tell you I love you
And it won’t be a text
It won’t be in invisible ink
It’ll be to your face
Holding you
And until then
I’ll dream of it every night

I’ll whisper your name before I sleep-
Like a promise
I’ll respond to you first in the morning-
Because you’re the first priority
Just please
Please don’t go again
This time I’m not letting you leave
This time
I’ll be yours
And you’ll be mine