Life must be a joke,
Feelings must be a joke,
Having a good heart must be a joke,
My life must be a joke because everyone just laughs, stairs, and judges me.

I guess my life must be a great Joke.

I wish I didn't care so much about people,
I wish I wasn't so nice like I am,
I wish I didn't get hurt over things I shouldn't,
I wish I didn't have the heart I have because all it does is hurt my mind and soul,
I wish I had a heart of coal not a heart of gold.

There's so much on my mind,
There's so much on my heart,
There's so much I want to say to you,
There's so much I want to do with you,
There's so much things I feel,
you don't know how much I want you to not go away.

The love I want is where the girl jumps and gives me a hug where I almost fall because she didn't see me for a long time.
The love I want is being able to be me and not having to worry.
The love I want is where I can sit and cry while being held.
The love I want is where I'm not used.
The love I want is the girl is obsessed with me.
The love I want is being able to play games with the girl that loves me.
The love I want is that kind of love.

My sister loves you,
My mom loves you,
People think you like me,
People think we're dating,
With all of that sometimes I get to wondering are we each other's missing piece and we just don't know it?

I worry day and night about you because of the things you tell me, I worry that one day I'm going to get a call that you're not here anymore.

All I want to do is cry when I think about you.
All I want to do is cry when I think about the life I really want to have.
All I want to do is cry when I realize I can't have what I want.
All I want to do is cry because I'm struggling to hide how I feel.
All I want to do is cry realizing I can't have my happy ending like I want.

It hurts how you speak to me sometimes because you make me feel like i'm not wanted you make me feel as if i'm only here for your wants not needs.
you say you need me and you say what you think I want to hear but really in my mind I wonder if you really want me or use me.

My mind is debating so many things all the time, it debates time, it debates life, it debates what I should do, it debates what's right or wrong, it debates if i'm loosing my mind, it debates who is right for me to be around, it debates what I want, it debates all the time, and all I want is this for this Debating Mind to go away.

I Wonder What Life Could Have Been like if I hadn't been messed up at the young age of 5.
I Wonder What Life Could Have Been Like if I hadn't dated girls I dated.
I Wonder What Life Could Have Been Like if I didn't meet my friends.
I Wonder What Life Could Have Been Like if I always lived here.
I Wonder What Life Could Have Been Like if I had confidence.
I Wonder What Life Could Have Been Like if I didn't have ones around me.

That's what I Wonder What Life Could Have Been Like.

I Lay Here in my room in the dark.
I Lay here with the only light from my phone.
I Lay here, wondering and thinking "what if?"

Your family one minute loves me, then one minute hates me.
Your family tries to use me.
Your family looks at me like i'm a bad person.
Your family hates me when I don't like what they like.
Your family hates me when I don't agree with them.

Your Family family makes me feel so many things.

I have two best friends of mine.
They are both different.
one I can see in person.
one I can play games with online.
one lives close.
one lives states away.
one I've known for 12 years.
one I've known for 2 years.
one knows everything.
one is learning about me.
one is a he.
one is a she.
but they both care about me.

people fear snakes.
people fear spiders.
people fear heights.

but my biggest fear is dying alone...

I've been wondering "how special am I to you?"
You come to me with all you're feelings.
You come to me to calm down.
You come to me with everything and You make sure I'm ok and you feel sad when I'm not.
You have noticed we're quite alike.
Sometimes I wonder "how special am I to you?"

I've been noticing how hurt I feel,
I've been noticing how happy I am around people,
I've been wondering are these feeling a mask or is this real.

I hate how you think we argue when we talk.
I hate how you yell at me when I try and be there for you.
I hate how you make me feel like I'm dumb all the time.
I hate that That you won't try the simplest of things.
I hate how it feels like it's just one sided all the time.
I hate when something's wrong with me all you have to say is I'm sorry.
I hate that my friend seems to care more about me than you do sometimes.
Those are the things I hate that you do.

There are wars happening within my mind and my heart.
A war of love within my heart.
A war of thoughts within my mind.
The Wars seem to becoming more and more occurring.
I can't help to ponder on the thought of which side of the wars will win in the end.

Happiness is a lie,
Love at first sight is a lie,
Trust is a lie,
Dreams are lies.
The only thing people do is tell me the biggest lies.

I've been getting more sad around people,
I've started to cry randomly around people,
I've been showing how I really am,
people look at me with fear and worry,
I think the cracks are showing.

I Lay in my dark room and read poems.
I Lay and let my cries out and let myself crumble knowing nobody can hear me.
I Lay and wonder to myself if I'm really happy with how my life is.
I Lay and think, "maybe my light isn't as bright as I thought maybe the light within me is actually dim?"

How much longer do I have?
How much longer till my time is cut short.
How much longer till the crack in my hour glass brakes and all the sand starts falling out.

Death must be coming for my life, because I keep having dreams of me dying and everything going dark and all I feel is me falling.

My time might be cut short naturally,
my time might be cut short by my own hands.

I guess I'll only know when I see the grim reaper standing right in front of me.

I hate Promises,
I hate being lied to,
I hate when someone acts like they care but leave,
I hate people,
I hate that everyone takes what I say the wrong way,
I hate my mind,
I hate my heart,
I hate myself,
I hate everything about this **** world.
Those are the things I HATE!!!