I walk with despair
Its cold hand upon my shoulder
Whispering sweet decay

A spector who judges
Not just my actions
But the hidden thoughts
Locked behind doors

No matter the strength
Of the padlock
Or the material
The miasma of regret steels through

He is with me
.and sweetly... disgustingly
Encloses me in his arms
A cradle of my failure
To weave in and out of my being

I hold out my hand
My fingers lightly brushing
Your palm facing outward
I cannot hold on

I sink and float
through the mired dark fields
the angry depressed miasma chokes my breathing
my lungs burn for fresh release

This abyss spans longer than my breath can hold
but I do not die
I can not cry out
I cannot close my eyes

Does pain exist if there
is no comparable event

Can a person matter if they
never existed

Only in stories, that are miles away
and in years forgotten

No expectations exist
no disappointment to overwhelm

Just a blank slate

If I could save a grain of time
I'd keep every speck in an hourglass
Constantly turning the hours back

Pulling through those memories
so that you couldn't slip between
my fingers

I would creat the portal
to trap myself
In false reality

and be blind
to the present
and unavailable to the future

I am here
My hair is washed and combed
My job though never done is being worked
I am here

I have locked away the feelings
Only faded scars show their secrets
It's a losing battle

I am so tightly wrapped
and the mask is slipping
but I am functionable

You sit behind your glass
Staring at my scores
Of course you're depressed!
You wouldn't leave your daughter without a mother

I have always been broken and known it
I am just so tired of gluing the pieces back together
All that is left is powder
I am pulverized

I wanted help
I was so cared and
You proved why there is no help for me
Because I am functionable

Have you wished you were dead or wished you could go to sleep and not wake up?
Yes

Have you actually had any thoughts about killing yourself?
Yes

Have you done anything, started to do anything, or prepared to do anything to end your life?
Yes

At least I am
Functionable

I feel your loss
as your hand encloses on mine
A thousan memories rushing
that have never or will occur
that have no life or breath

Your death already picked, determined
Your clife closing, faster, slowely
through the moments and drops
of tears,
the soul being ravaged

Your pain is fleeting, and ours stays
you will be gone

You want me safe and protected
but already the cracks
across my heart spread
the decay moving slowely

Your love will keep me
and I will not break completly
my heart is not porcelain
a few cracks will not consume
My Love for You

There is a hunger that chases
after me
A staring gaping maw of damnation
it pulls at my being
taking pieces

strand by strand
the sinew thinned like hair

It longs to swallow the
very last of my soul

As it paws and bites me
Smaller memories were the first to go
but now the entirety of me is
being picked

It takes the most succelent morsels
last

And all that is left is my pain and my fear
I wonder which one will taste sweeter

This is my love poem to you
Though our time is brief
and our moments limited
you have given me a new world

To know care in its purest form
a sweet caress leaves me burning
for the love I crave from you

I have gazes at your soul
in its purest form of kindness
Your arms around me keeps the fear at bay

The whispers on my neck
Keep the darkness held inside
I hope  I also push
against your darkness

The wind whistling by the
house
              picks
                        and
                                carries
                             the pain of those living
                   It swirls
                                  dances
                                              cascades
                         across the anger
                        held in our hearts
                      the tears of the unlived lives
                             and the kisses
                                   of love
                                           unrecognized

Time is not my friend
it is a foe
that cruelly mocks
the fate
of those who cannot escape

Time entwines itself around the soul
like a noose cutting
off the flow

It pulsates into
slow misery, fast joy
time marches on
with out care, concern, or prisoners

It mimics
the fragility of human minds
as the disease
that is age
ravages the brain

At long last
a phantom memory
flits to life
a smell that is not there
and a taste that
---has no meaning

A soul scattered among
the burning galaxy
the pieces blown away by
forgotten memories and harsh truths

In cosmic facades
that lie about logical unity
the flow and ebb
the ever seeks to      reach
               and
                                         stretch

The darkness trails in every soul
the light of celestial bodies
is not enough
to stop the all consuming
Hunger
    of
          Regret

Despair is like a peace to me
it is a silence
a beauitful silence
filled with the longing of my being

A silver light knife plunged into my heart
drowning not in blood
but the black ichor of my regret

The poisonous thoughts that
shape my soul
pull me into melancholic mires
of self doubt.