It's been 254 days and I still miss you

I start to miss you. But I don't miss you. I miss the person you once were. Before fighting became our most common language. Before I love you's we're just words you could look up in a dictionary. Before our dreams flatlined and we were scared to talk because we knew.. it would only get worse. For perhaps we took it for granted and only accepted the love we think we deserved at the time. Perhaps our late night talks were just ways to avoid falling asleep. To avoid feeling alone and hyperventilating in the dark. Perhaps we used each other to heal our wounds. But I believe we did no healing. No. I believe we covered them up. We covered them like a sweater in soft spoken words and anticipation of joy. it made it hurt a little less. For we knew, that nothing lasts forever and we'd have to remove the shield protecting us from the harsh blows of the world. Perhaps it was love and perhaps it was a lie. And maybe you faked it. And maybe it was an act or a plan. But perhaps, it was real. No one plans on falling in love. Perhaps we liked the comfort of one another. To feel in a spot of security and protection. And you think love is a beautiful thing. And you skip down halls and you pick petals that curve towards you and you hum while washing the dishes and you open doors for others and you give the love, given to you. But perhaps love is the disguise. Because my "I love yous" were true. While yours bled doubt. And the sting of it still lasts as it should. It's called heartbreak. And it's everywhere.  stuck like honey on my hands. It rings a sad melody in my ear.  It drips from the roof after a cold bitter day. It's the child you saw trip and the mom who came to help with tears in her own eyes. Perhaps that's why we cry at the sad dramatic movies. Not because it's sad but because being in that position, ourselves.. well.. love isn't chocolate on Valentine's Day nor the flowers or the bears. Love is rectangles fitting into circles and artificial flavoring now with vitamins that cure diseases. its like a miracle. but it's twisted and has more effect on you. t's not a word or a story or a feeling. Love is love. So as this started as my plea to you and transitioned to what we were to what love is.. I see now that not even this can bring back the feeling of being so called, love.

I think

I think we have high expectations for a world constantly competing
We expect to be treated fairly
And to treat others fairer
God how we wish that were true
I think we live in a world where beauty really is only skin deep but the slogans and mottos will have you think otherwise as you buy that new mascara and pass on one more cookie
And not that we cant be who we want to but because you are ranked by social class and the amount of space left in your closet
By the grade you got in science or how fast you ran the sprint in gym
I think Amelia earhart is still alive
And my stuffed animals come alive when I leave the room
I think global warming is a bigger deal then kim kardashian’s nip slip
i think we dream and dream because we know reality will never just give it to us. we have to earn it.
I think we give more to others because we expect them to eventually do the same for us
I think people with mental illnesses are seen as outcasts but I think they actually see the pain and shattered, ripped corners that the rest of the world pretends not to see
I think bathing suits are uncomfortable and the sun is a ball of light that punishes us for wearing such small items of clothing
I think we work too hard and money should just turn into snakes and slither away because that alone would solve so many problems
i think kids need more activity and less school
i think the government is ran bycorrupt leaders and one day they will be the reason we collapse into dust
i think magazines portray beautiful women making us other women feel not beautiful
but who cares what i think
it's just what i
think

I wrote. and I wrote until my fingers went numb and until the paper was covered in my tears but I wrote. I wrote about how I love you. and how i hate you. I wrote about how I can barely breathe. how my throat is clenched my stomach in knots. I wrote how my eyes are swollen so I wear my glasses and look down. I wrote how I was strong until I walked into my room and saw your handwriting on my wall. I write how I dropped to my floor and gasped for breath. I wrote how it’s just unreal. how it’s insane and it just can’t be happening. I wrote how I have to distract myself in order to not think about the pain. I wrote about how every time I pause, I think of you. how you would’ve done anything to have me. I wrote about the time you stayed up all night for me. and how we both wished upon the same star. how we wished for the same thing. I wrote about how our first date we saw a movie but I cannot tell you a single thing cause I thought the whole time about how hard I was holding your hand or if my hair was tickling your neck. I write about all the times you come over. how you fit right in with my family. as if you were apart of it already. I wrote about how we fought. how we used our words and how we used them as weapons. how eventually it became a war. how it finished. how the city went up in flames. and how I was left. screaming for help on the 4th story up choking on smoke and gagging on my tears. and I look out to an abandoned town. until my eyes lay on you. sipping your water and pouring the rest onto the ground. watching me and my heart... burn.

what if i carved i'm sorry into your skin
would you feel me

what if i screamed your name until my throat gave out
would you hear me then

what if i painted a smile from ear to ear and stood in your face
would you see me

what if i fed you salt in a jar labeled sugar
would you taste how bitter sweet that is

what if i filled your room with roses and picked off each petal betting on our odds
would you smell me then

you can’t even love me with one of your senses...

11 days later

and i'm still in love with you.
you are burned into my brain

you are aching in my heart
you are locking my throat closed
and i'm still drowning out at sea

11 days later

and it still feels like the first
the first hello
the first joke
the first picture
hug
kiss
tear
ache
goodbye

11 days later

and everytime i see you
i feel a crack in my heart
no really
you'd laugh if i told you
you always laughed.


11 days later

and i'm still stuck in the web of words you caught me in
i hate you for catching me

11 days later

and i can't help but stare
i can't help but run into you
or i can't help but wander in hopes of
maybe seeing you and falling into old patterns of hello i am and hello we are and hello hello goodbye

11 days later

and you look great
you look better then ever
great

11 days later

and i forgot your smell
i forgot the deep colour in your eyes
i forgot the way your hands fit around my waist
i forget your laugh and look of confusion when you don't understand
not really but maybe writing it would transfer the memories and i would
i would forget

11 days later
i'm not sad
don't tell me i'm just sad
i'm not sad
i'm just living a life inside of this body
i'm not sad

11 days later
and it's all your fault
you lied and lied
and i believed again and again
and my paint is smeared with tears and my body is aching all over and my floor is holding me up while my body lay restless ready to move to 12 but after so long why can't i and why are you okay on 11 but i

11 days later
and my friends are tired
i'm tired
we're all tired

11 days later
the doctors sealed up the wounds
they put in a cleaner heart
and removed all my tears
i look new, don't I?

11 days later

i don't feel it anymore
i still can't listen to love songs
but numb is okay
i disagree but
they told me it is
i told them i'd rather hurt
than feel absolutely nothing at all

It's only 11 days later.

i can't swim

numb nights
i lie awake
while the world rest asleep

tears softly drop
aching me
gagging me

i can't distract my ears
my eyes
my hands

it's too late to draw
run
work

torture myself with pictures
and replay the slowest of songs

my heart lay numb
because a broken heart
will only become more broke

i picture you in my mind
my chest heaves
and my throat clenches tighter

jealousy anger fear
i cannot feel your touch on my skin anymore

hiding under the covers
the monsters still claw from under
over
within

i will never escape
i'm not drowning
i just don't know how to swim.

i wish it didn't hurt
and i wish i didn't have to distract myself in order to not feel aching in my chest
i wish i didn't have to get caught up in boring movies
i wish the urge to punch something turned into a craving to eat because i need to eat. but i can't.
i wish i could listen to music and not think of us sitting in your car arguing over the radio
i wish my heart didn't race when i get a notification
and i wish you didn't do that sly smile you know i like when you know i'm looking
i wish you didn't tug on my heart like puppets on a string
i wish you didn't move on and give your love to someone else
and i wish you were willing to try even half as bad as i want to right now
i wish you look at the stars and think of me because you know i'm a dreamer
but you laughed when i told you that
and i wish that night i fell so deeply in love with your smile i stayed home
and i wish you didn't grab my hand and kiss me and make me fall right into you like liquid into a cup
i should've stayed home
that night
that night i should've stayed
home
i wish you had a heart like mine that trusted you
i wish i didn't have to try to find someone else to love because i have an empty gap where you rested your head and people telling me i don't need someone are only told from those who haven't spent the loneliest of nights alone
i wish i didn't go to your games and meet your family and talk about homecoming because i knew it was all just part time happiness
and this contract would soon expire and the ink would blot and id be the one cleaning up the mess on the kitchen floor
and i wish you wouldn't answer when i call you crying at 4 am ut god i wish you didn't ignore me either
and i wish we weren't best friends because it was the easiest thing to do but we did it and had conversations about god knows what but that was us and that was ours
i wish i didn't need to wear skirts and redo my makeup until it's perfect because just MAYBE you will look at me and want me back
i wish you didn't get high and i wish you didn't drink and i wish you would tell me the truth because your slurs only had me dazed and confused and you were the sober one
i wish i can learn that i'm going to be okay but but i'm not because heartache after heartache is supposed to lead me to my prince charming but all my frogs seem to be less and less then the prince i want
i wish i wasn't jealous of the girls who draw pink hearts and bright smiles
i wish i didn't text you when i thought enough was enough and i wish that i could wake up without sharp pains when i remember it wasn't a dream and this is real. it's all too real.
i wish you didn't hang out with your friends and you should text me. you should text me.
i wish the ache in my chest would fade and the memories of you would shatter and my throat wouldn't grow tight and my eyes wouldn't burn and the crave i get with tears in my eyes as i lay in bed gagging would just stop for one second
i wish i never fell in love with a boy they said would hurt me
i wish i didn't believe him when he said i am the one
i wish i didn't open my heart and fall in love to know it was only going to be broken and i'd be alone again
i'd be left in the dark with fake friends and a moon that follows me until i wake
i wish i didn't learn your smell and the way you write your j's
i wish i could look up and say i'm going to be okay without choking on my own tears
but mostly... i wish you would feel what i feel right now
because years later

i'm still weak.
and i will never learn that no matter what

i can wish

i can wish and wish but it will never be enough to make you love me again.

i cannot make you love me.

My brain is like tornado,
It's full of a lot of over- thought things.
My heart is like a glass plate,
It shatters by the touch of human beings.

I sit in bed with tears down my face.
And think about our memories.
I try to figure out what I feel.
We're separated by miles of sea.

You come to me in my dreams,
And drive me crazy all day.
I fully regret the things I said,
And the things I'll never say.

You don't remember my favourite color,
And you forgot my favourite song.
But I'm tired of going on with life knowing its my fault and I was wrong.

We used to talk all day,
And I knew everything about you.
Now we don't even make eye contact,
And I forgot all that I once thought to be true.

I thought I knew you,
But I guess I was wrong.
But now my heart is breaking,
Yet I still try to stay strong.

I would rather have my heart just torn out,
Then to hear you call her beautiful.
You think of girls like they are
nothing and are reusable.

I look at myself like a stranger,
I still don't know what to do.
They say you still try to be strong.
But then you think of every lie he's ever told you.

You need him back,
You can't go on without him.
But I'm drowning right in front of you,
As you shout back, "learn how to swim!"

The rain is my spiralling soul.
And the rain is my over-cried tears.
The sun is the good moments I don't think of him.
The dark skies are all my thoughts and fears.

I don't think he knows my pain.
And I wish he still thought of me.
I know people still laugh.
When I say I wish this was easy.

My friend said this would happen.
But no one really wants to help.
Because no one's really felt this horrible pain...
I wish I never felt.

Broken glass,
scratched hearts,
oceans of tears,
Love torn apart.

They thought they knew her.
They thought they knew well.
but she was holding her heart just like another fake smile to sell.

She feels true pain.
She cries herself to sleep.
He thinks of her now and then.
While she thinks of him on repeat.

No one understands her.
No one ever will.
Because she's different than the rest,
And there's an emptiness in her heart that only he can fill.

The world is tearing her,
Tearing her apart.
And to think it was because of that one boy
Who decided to break her heart.

Dim street lights flicker
He walks her down the narrow path
She's stumbling left and right but never spills the liquor
Letting the thorn rip open her heart causing a bloodbath

She begs to him while choking down whats left in the glass
She falls to her knees and gasps
Closing her eyes, can't take her mind off the past
No longer can she hide behind the mask

He watches her plead and grab tightly to her heart
Her black dress now torn and the cotton stained
Her tears still drip down her cheek until depart
They sadly will never be as pure as the rain

No miraculous light emerged out from the cross
No angel or stars shall appear
Everything, blurry and covered with a hazey gloss
Driven utterly out of fear

The shadows race above her
Whispers dive below
But these are not the monsters
That draw the blood out so slow

She sees the light coming close
She reached her hand beyond
Accepting this as her final dose
And the bright light fades until gone

Because no ones answers are clear
Free yet still enslaved
They told her have hope for it will annul fear
But alas not everyone can be saved.

I have watched stars,
And waited every night.
I have made 11:11 wishes
Begging with all my might.
I have picked up every penny
And threw them into a well
I've blown out hundreds of candles
And picked off every petal until the last one fell.
I have turned over every stone,
And knocked on wood.
I have crossed my fingers
And prayed for all that I stood.
I've wished and wished from the morning to the night.
I've wished and wished from shooting stars to flying kites.
I've wished and wished from song lyrics to get a hint or a sign
But mostly, I've wished and wished that you were mine.

I have 10 toes.
2 ears.
2 legs.
32 teeth.
countless numbers of hair.
10 fingers.
2 arms.
1 nose.
and half of a heart.
Where did my other half go?
He took it.
He didn't just pick it out like when you grab the milk from the fridge.
He plucked it out of me like yanking the thick weeds with roots buried inches deep within the soil.
I remember it was chilly and we were at the top of the ferris wheel and the merry-go-round sang to us and shadows danced on the cement below and the giggles seem to echo through the air forever.
But through all the chaos around us, all that was on my mind was you.
Thats when you reached in and yanked out the left half.
I guess it makes sense cause you took the left and you left and you're right to leave the right half and I am okay.
I forgive you.
But my right half is lonely.
He says, "It is a much tougher job to carry the blood to the all the systems, but it is okay because my atria walls and ventricle valves still work normally.
They still allow her to function."
I guess that's what you wanted. Enough for me to keep living but not enough for me to live life.
See the right half only asks for you to take care of the left half. For they were once one.
They had made plans to one day visit the kidneys and stop by the pancreas even though they knew it wouldn't be systematically correct. The two halves of my brain are telling me to ask for the other half of my heart back because although it belongs to him it is not his to keep. It is the pericardial sacs and all the feelings are feeling but did you want me to feel or did you want me to forget?
By taking the left, I knew it was right and the blood in my body runs slower and my head thinks a lot faster and the left was something I needed not something I wanted. Maybe you needed that half to feel what it's like to love yourself.  These are my numbers. No longer yours.

It was a beautiful day and I was
searching and picking flowers.
Soon I had realized I had been
out here for several of hours.

Forgive me please
but each one was so unique
Each petal, each leaf
seem to leap at my feet.

Down meadows and fields
across rivers and creeks.
I wish you could've heard all the secrets
the flowers had told me

I finally left the garden.
My fingers covered in pollen and seeds.
I now will always choose to grow flowers,
even when others grow weeds.

I write a lot of poems.

Mainly about missing you.

I thought maybe I could transfer
this pain onto paper.
But I guess the pain is deeper
than my fingertips and my pen.

You pick the stem out of your apple before eating it.
You twirled the apple by the tips of your fingers and examined its beauty.
Looking for any bruises or imperfections.
You toss the apple back and fourth between your ***** hands.
Hands that have touched hands that have felt hands that know.
You raise the apple to your mouth and dig your front teeth in following with the bottom so a clean piece is ripped away from its whole.
The juice slowly drips from the corners of your mouth down your chin to your neck leaving it sticky and smelling fresh and sweet.
Your canines crush though the skin and penetrate further into flesh as it slowly finds its way to the back of your mouth.
You laugh at the now imperfect apple and with such spoiled satisfaction you throw it into the empty field to rot and disintegrate.
You strut away without another thought and that apple no longer means anything to you anymore.
I leave in the stem when I eat my apples.

I am an addict.
I am an addict of Toxic Love.
It truly is a burden and I am sorry to all that it affects.
See, I did not wish for these consequences.
And unfortunately, it circulates through my body like a normal body function.
It is involuntary and automatic, yet I nod when people tell me, "Its a choice."
For those who have not experienced the side effects of toxic love, let me be the first to say..
No pill, line, or injection is even needed.
But this, "so-called" addiction, killed me from the inside out.
For a while, I was clean. I had minor setbacks like pool parties or new years eve when I never truly saw you but I heard your name echo through the air and for a while I would search around tops of heads and ignore the voices right in front of me.
But then.
I saw you.
I saw you sitting there.
With your legs crossed and your shoulders laid back, holding YOUR addiction.
But you were able to draw it to your lips, inhale, release, and without thinking, smash it under your toe.
While my addiction yanks on my heart like reins on a horse and chokes me as if I were drowning and sends lightning fast impulses from my heart to my brain and back again saying, "TRIGGER ALERT TRIGGER ALERT TEMPTATION AHEAD!" and suddenly here I am walking toward you as my heartbeat thickens and my palms begin to sweat and my vision becomes a blur and my fingers begin to sh- Flatline.

I am an addict.
Of Toxic Love.