I went to the rooftop
I saw you there
dancing with the dreds
in your hair
how I wished I could tell you about my dream
I had about you the other night
how much I miss you
how much I wish I could date you
and hold you tight

But I decided
and said outloud
I let you go
and I forgive you
it hurts to hold the feelings in my heart for you
knowing that it can't ever be.

I watched you another beautiful women
you with the dark hair
curly hair
gorgeous almond colored eyes
the way you danced
how much I wished
I had the courage to
ask you to dance
but the gay panic
kept me frozen there
with my mouth frozen
possibly for the fear of rejection
that has hurt me
and punctured me so deeply
I love women ,
I love men
I love humans
and I don't wanna feel shame
for it anymore
for I love people
and I can't wait to be in a loving relationship
one day.

I went to that rooftop party today
I went and I faced my demons
seemed like that was the theme of this week
I went and I saw and conquered
and showed them
that I am not afraid or scared anymore
I go days and days in complete silence
the only sound is of my own mind
my whole life
all I've had is the opposite of this
so much noise talking and being sociable
seems hard
now I have more peace
but I have noone
and that feels like an indescribable ache of longing
deep within.

Its like all the lovers
I had
are forever etched in my mind
I hope I am etched in there's too
I saw the man the other day The one
I gave my heart to
and he just gave his body to me
that was all
and barely that
Its like I can't get his eyes out of my mind
the green golden hazel eyes
and the relaxed feeling that I felt just being with him
I remember one of the first men that I met
when I came here
when I had just left religion
we went to his apartment
he wasn't religious
he was kind
so cute and sweet
and romantic
I remember sitting on this porch
with my shirt off
staring at him
him staring at me
with a look of adoration
and I felt so blessed to be in that moment
so looking back in reflection
not all the men I met in my life
were horrible
many were kind
and I just forgot that
because I closed my heart off
to everything for so long
and now slowly
I feel like my heart is slowly starting to open
curious how the world looks
when we start to remember the beautiful moments
not just the bad or terrible ones.
So I hope wherever you are
if it is in jerusalem
where we met or somewhere else here
I wish you well
and I wish you blessings
for treating me with such kindness and care,
and I hope you think of me from time to time.
Ariel

I wanna go to see the ocean
but not the typical one that I always see
I wanna go to the ocean
to meet my grandmother
who passed when I was 12
just to hug her for one last time
just to be able to talk to my brothers again
because eventhough they are alive
they are still dead in my heart
mired from the pain of silent but ongoing abuse
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my parents before
they became abusive
when they were kind humans
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my childhood home
to see myself as a child
to give myself all the hugs and love that I needed
while I was being violated
in my supposed safe place
I wanna go to see the ocean
to drench myself in the sea of my own tears
tears of complete sadness joy freedom and awe
because all can exist at once
and it does in the ocean of my heart
all this exists
joy that I can finally be freed of my chains of my past
but agony that I have to do this to be free
and all the sadness that comes along it
my eyes are the colors of the ocean
that swim with the pain of lonlieness
of longing
of imagining
of becoming
of waiting
of longing
of desire
of wanting a chosen family
of my own
and a place that I can truly call home

music is like prisms of time
healing moments
of love joy peace and terror
incapsulating all that i know and hold dear
as I listen to the music of my teenage hood
of so much pain and yearning
it transports me
and gives me a new perspective and meaning.

Life is so weird
ain't it
I moved to israel
to leave my family and religion behind
but yet here i am faced with it all
probably to heal it all.
I live in an area with tonz of super religious jews
who remind me of the way that I was brought up and raised
remind me of how my dad still looks
and how my mother carries herself
but now I am on the other side
I am the one who the men look at it
and think wow she is not modest
she doesnt look jewish etc...
Now I look at the women wearing stockings and long skirts
and I feel their suffering
because I know how it felt for many many years of my life
to feel opressed while not knowing that I was
and was forced to dress "lady like"
to cover my legs and scorch in the heat
while I would judge wish and wander
what it would be like to dress like a women
like me now in the current day
ain't it weird how life teaches us
and shows us
ain't it weird how sometimes it may take many years
but we can accomplish the goals and wishes we had.
So each summer now that I get to wear shorts jeans
a bikini a short sleeve shirt a tank top
and to wear my curves with grace instead of shame
that is a win for me and my inner child
each time I get to eat what I want
and not have to keep the laws of the opressive religion that I was born into
is freedom to me
it is still taking time to heal those wounds
but many times I look back and I see how grateful I am
to not be religious and to live the life that I want
so I am
so very grateful.