Yesterday i was high on hopes, high on love, high on the future adventures in and of life, but now... now im 6 feet deep in a grave of depression, wanting to **** myself. Dont be alarmed, im not going to, and im sorry this message comes out of knowwhere, very random of me, i know, im sorry, but i have to let this out somehow and to someone. These thoughts eat me alive, especially at night, because im alone with them... but if you think about it wherher its night at 6 am or any other time of the day where sun is bright in the sky, im still alone with these same thoughts. They pop up randomly everywhere. I try to control them, like they said, like YOU said, but i cant seem to, like AT ALL, not even in the slightest. From a mix of overthinking and seeing other people being happy with themselves and their lives, i stop and wonder, why cant that be me? Why cant i have that happiness? And i alsp wonder... for them... is it real happiness? Are they facing the same things but just able to put on a brave enough face to make it SEEM as if theyre truly happy? Or am i just alone in this? I'd like to think that im not. And I'd like to know that im not but the constant thought that i am is driving me... INSANE. I sound crazy right? I am crazy right? No ones even gonna hear this. No ones even gonna see this and read it and or care. I could plaster it all over the walls of everywhere i got whether it be school, or work or my house or walmart or starbucks or any other ******* place(excuse my language) its not gonna ******* matter. (Again excuse my language) i could spell it out to you and everyone esle or even yell it out "I NEED HELP!! PLEASE HELP ME!!" But thats all you see it as, as a needless cry for help or just that i want attention. Im just the boy crying depression and suicide. IM NOT. I... NEED... HELP. I dont know why im writing this and recording this or even opening up about this to YOU and a bunch of strangers, but maybe because its strangers and you cant see my face and look me in my eyes and see my pain then maybe it makes it easier to tell... someehat besides all the overthinking thoughtd that make me not wanna continue this (writing this and recording this, not life... just for clarification). Ive tried. Time and time again. But its always gotten me nowhere. Maybe i tried to hard. Maybe i didnt try enough or maybe i didnt try in the right time when it was convenient to you enough to help. Or msybe its vise versa. Maybe you didnt try. Or maybe you didnt try enough. Or maybe im just using my pain and guilt to throw it on you to make myself feel better. Who knows. Maybe ill never know. Its too late anyways. Sorry for wasting your precious time. Bye.

Forever forsaken to the blind rage that is quiet depression. Suffering in silence, wanting to speak but forever trapped in the fear that this feeling of lonesome and depression is becoming a severe obsession. Constantly questioning sanity because words and thoughts SEEM to not make sense and SEEM unclear. Spaces in my brain filled by forever haunting memories, and drowning in the missing details of mixed signals and ununderstood words. We swim laps in the same swinning pool of dreams abs memories. You continue to swim but i slowly drown and sink in the bottom. Sinking in the botton of an empty liquor bottle which is joined by a mixture of unknown pills to **** the pain. Not just to **** the pain but also to **** the strain, and quite often to **** away. (Did you catch that, nope probably not) INSANE. Insane like the lines, ropes, and strings that entangle thoughts abd wrap confusion in the open arms od my brain. To quote the words of B.E., books dont make sense if you read them backwards. You'll single out the wrong words. Like you mishear all my songs. Those are not my words, yet, I understand so well that its like a segment of thought blindly retracted from the deepest parts of my brain.

I close my eyes. I see pitch black darkness. And in the distance, I begin to see what looks like flames. It is flames. Flames that you ignited inside my heart and soul. Flames shaped, from, and slowly change. Change into long fiery red hair. And as the red hair forms, it floats still, just blowing in the wind. The long fiery red hair continues to float, but a human figure begins to form, fitting along with the hair. And this human figure, pure and forever filled with beauty. The human figure forms, in a red hoodie with black hearts scattered across it. Black leggings, ever so fitting to her beautiful hourglass figure. And long light brown boots to finish her exquisite attire. Beauty and grace seen in her eyes and in the way she walks. Heart beating fast, skipping eight beats at once as she approaches. She draws closer and closer. She stands right in front of me. She lifts her hand and traces it up my hand and all the way up to my chin, teasingly keeping eye contact the whole while. As she keeps eye contact, she begins slowly tracing my chest muscles and then back to my arms, tracing them as well. My body, ever so frozen. I remain silent, even though I want to speak. I open my mouth, but no words come out. You put your finger to my mouth as if to silence me. You trace the finger down my cheek and down my chin again. With the finger on my chin, you place the rest of your hand on my chin and slightly pull it down so our eyes meet once again. You stand slightly on your tippy toes and whisper in my ear. “ You don't have to say a word. I already know.”  You release my chin and begin walking around me slowly in a circle. Once you lap around me twice. You stop right in front of me once again. You once more trace your hand up my cheek, you lean in as if to kiss me. You stop and whisper once again in my ear, “ It’s okay, it’ll be our time soon…”, stopping in the middle of the sentence. Then you come back, close to my lips, once again as if to kiss me. With our lips so close, they almost touch, but you pull back completely and turn around and finish the sentence and say, “.... it just isn't our time now”. And as you say that you further and further walk away. I finally am able to move and speak. I follow and try to grab your hand, but as I grip it, your human figure turns into a figment of my imagination. And all that's left, is the flame. That floating flame that you ignited inside of me. A tear falls from my eyes and rolls down my cheek, dripping to the floor. I drop down onto my knees, and tears continue to flow as my head is dropped, looking at the tears on the floor. While I'm not looking, the human figure and you reappear, but in a ghost-like form. I see your long brown boots in front of me, and I look up, excited. You reach your hand down and touch my chin, pulling me up. I get up and try to hug you. But as I hug you, your ghost-like form separates and escapes from my grasp, causing me to step back, wonderingly. You reform into your ghost-like form and say, “ I can touch you but you can't touch me. It’s forbidden.” , I drop my head, sad. You lift my head up, and say, “ don't give up on this, LONG GAME is still to be played. That is if you're still playing.” You say with a curious chuckle and a curious look as you wait for my answer. And without a second wasted I reply. “ Yes. I'm still playing.”  And then you nod to my reply and say, “good…. But THIS game is over.” And I look curiously and ask, “What? Why?” And you count on your fingers and reply, “ because… three, two, one.” Then you point up, as the sound of faded music starts to play. The faded music grows louder and louder. So loud it starts to pull me away. I begin yelling, “ Will I see you again?”  You yell back, “ Of course you will.” And then after that, the music pulls me super fast and as I'm leaving you turn back into the flame and far in the distance, everything returns back to darkness. And in a snap. I am awoken by the sound of music from my alarm clock and all to realize that it was a dream.  A dream that was all too real.