Empty because I feel so full.
Full of doubt, full of anxiety, full of self loathing.

Broke because I’m spent.
I’ve spent all my kindness, I’ve spent all my understanding, I’ve spent all my love.

Ignorant because I’m enlightened.
Enlightened to the true nature of the world, enlightened to the true nature of heartbreak, enlightened to the true nature of you.

I set fire to his soul through my eyes alone. Without touching him I built inside him a permanent home.

Your beauty, your curves, your aesthetic perfection will never be enough, he will never be completely satiated with just lust.

You see, he has experienced my heart, my mind and my soul and for eternity now nobody else will ever come close.

I’m the queen of leaving you on seen
Even though I like you a lot
There’s a voice in my head saying leave him on read so he thinks you don’t give a ****

You see, I’m the queen of breaking my own heart by ending things before they even start
There’s a voice in my head telling me he’ll shatter your heart, so take that knife and be first to plunge it in

I’m the queen of the toxic kingdom I’ve created in my mind, my kingdom is a fortress for my vulnerable side. Theres a voice in my head commanding dragons and centaurs to relentlessly patrol my mind’s fortress, forever ensuring no access, even to hearts like yours

We pop prescription pills and chase them with spirits and hard liquor, desperate each time for the anaesthetic to set in quicker.

We employ a barrage of avoidance techniques like finding a new bed in which to sleep every day of the week, praying even for ten minutes to find the peace that we seek.

We show we don’t care, though we do. Act like feelings aren’t there, though they are. Hoping that pseudo-nonchalance will eventually become our real mind state, though it won’t.

We believe we’re enlightened and unique. Demigods favoured by the divine, we claw onto the narrative of martyrdom in a bid to justify the pain that tortures our minds.

We are lost, forever waiting to be found. Relentlessly pursuing this notion that finding the one will make you whole, when it won’t.

We are not two souls fated to meet by destiny. You are just you, and I am just me.

Been a while since I took them, the little keys to sleep. Unlock codes for unconsciousness, cheat codes for non-committal death.

But tonight the pain is unbearable, the mental wounds are bleeding like they’re fresh. Scenes replaying in my mind constantly, mocking me mercilessly for believing that they’d left.

Time is supposed to be a healer, or so I’ve been told. Time must have missed me off it’s to-do list because  healing is a card I’ve never been dealt.

The pain is effervescent bubbling through my veins and laying heavy on my chest. Tramadol couldn’t even dull it, it demands to be felt.

My only recourse are these tiny promises of temporary respite; I take more than recommended, playing roulette with this life.

It’s been a while since I took them, the little keys to sleep, I wish I could leave them but I’m weak.