I’m not the person I used to be
Something changed that night
Something snapped
I don’t like touch
I don’t care
I don’t talk as much
Enthusiasm is forced
Talking is hard
Sleeping is worse
Something changed that night
Not for the better

I’m sorry mom
I still love you
But I’m gone right now
You hit me mom
I kept saying I’m sorry
But you didn’t hear me
Couldn’t hear me
I’m safe now mom
I miss you
I want a hug from you
I just wanted to be okay
But you hit me
I walked down the driveway mom
And I kept looking back
Waiting for the light to turn on
Waiting for you to run out
Saying it’s okay
Come home
But you didn’t mom
And I’m not sure I would’ve
If you did
I’m sorry mom
I didn’t mean to hurt you mom
But you hit me
And I am gone now

I ran
From my problems
They came back
But I didn’t
In a way
I’m still trapped
In that night
Cowered in a corner
Arms over my head
“I’m sorry”
“I’m sorry”
But you wouldn’t listen
Couldn’t
I ran
But my problems followed
They came back
I came back

To quote a friend
I’m better
But still in the negatives
Things are looking more positive
I’m healing slowly
But I’m still sitting below zero
Rate my mind from one to ten
It’s better
But still in the negatives

Adjusting to a new kind of normal
One where everything is tense
Trust is long gone
And I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t have the mental capacity
For things that used to be easy
Like helping people
Like eating
Like sleeping
This new normal is different
But it was necessary

One day
One day I’ll feel normal again
A new normal
Without pain
But with feeling
Peace
Like that night
Sitting in the middle of the road
Moon half concealed by clouds
Feeling nothing
But everything
I don’t want that
But I do
I need that serene feeling
Of being alone
While simultaneously
Hearing their voices drifting
One day
One day soon
I’ll feel alright

Everything in my head
Words left unsaid
That quiet dying feeling
Not caring about anything
Because I want to die anyway

I never had to ask you
To be a good friend
I never had to worry
About you saying bad things
I never had to hesitate
Before telling you everything
I needed you to get me
And you did
And you will
Midnight or not
And I felt so at peace
Knowing I was safe while I slept
Hearing your voice
Gentle and caring
At the lake with the breeze
Outside with my cat
The one you kept for me
Thankful
For you

I’ve realized
I don’t like being touched anymore
Not a gentle hand on my back
Not a hand in mine
Hugs are tense
I don’t like them anymore
I used to think I needed contact
But I hate it now
Don’t touch me
I don’t want an arm brushing mine
Fingers on my knee
I don’t want my hair played with
I don’t like it anymore
I used to crave the closeness
Now I just want to be left alone
Don’t touch me anymore

Words flood my brain
Tsunami
Rain
Depression eats away
Should I leave
Or stay
Anxiety rattles me
Fingers busy
What will I be
Tomorrow

Paint on my fingers
I wash it off
I wish it was that easy
To wash off my scars

Forgetting things that happened
Five minutes ago
So hungry I’m nauseous
Then eating two bites and being full
Waking up after sleeping all night
And still being exhausted
Aches in my legs
Talking takes effort
So does breathing
Zoning out randomly
Fidgeting all the time
Not enjoying things
That used to make me happy
Not excited
For anything
What is wrong with me

No more music in my ears
And my head is full of fears
Rational or not I do not know
I can not wait until the day i go
Be
Still
If you will