I have been blessed
With an amazing friend
Words cannot explain

Sometimes when I’m running
I detach from reality
And suddenly I’m face down in the rocks
And my knees are ******
And I’m throwing up
But there’s no one to save me
No one to pick me back up
Thats what happens when you’re on your own
You have to stitch up the wound
Stitch it closed alone
And there’s sweat on my hairline
And blood on the dirt
But I have to put myself back on my feet
And keep running
Like I didn’t miss a beat

I cut my arms in seventh grade.
“What’s so terrible about your life?”
“Why are you looking for pity?”
I developed an eating disorder.
“Gain weight, you look awful.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop.”
I ran away.
“You think your life is so miserable!”
“You have clothes and food and shelter what could possibly be wrong?”
I cried myself to sleep every night.
You never noticed.
These were cries for help, mom!
This wasnt attention seeking!
I needed you to be a real parent.
I was crying.
For help.

And suddenly I know
About the cross on your ankle
The way the humidity
Poofs your hair
How you love New York
Cars and tattoos
Poetry and chili dogs
And you ask the excellent questions
Had me smiling from ear to ear
My heart was pounding
I still can’t sleep
Adrenaline from you
Getting to know you
Sweet, kind, amazing you

If this is a test
Then, dear, I’m failing
I’m still texting you every
Single
Day
I miss you so much
It hurts not knowing
I’m struggling
But I’m sure you’ve got it worse
I wish I could see into your head
I need to know how you’re doing
How is it going
I miss you i miss you
I do
I’m failing without you

You always look so happy though!

That’s fake
That’s fake
It’s fake
It’s fake
Fake
Fake

I’m not the person I used to be
Something changed that night
Something snapped
I don’t like touch
I don’t care
I don’t talk as much
Enthusiasm is forced
Talking is hard
Sleeping is worse
Something changed that night
Not for the better

Surrounded by people
Ones who care
Still feeling awful
Knowing I have to go home

I miss you,
I do
You said I had to be okay
When you left
But you’re the only thing keeping me glued
I wanted to leave
Disappear without a trace
Sit in my bathroom with bottles
In my hands
And fade away
but I thought of you instead
How you would die inside
More
And I knew I couldn’t
Because we are each others glue
You keep me here
Why can’t I keep you here
I miss you
I do
I picked up the phone call
Because it said from New Jersey
I didn’t tell her how my heart dropped
When I saw it
I didn’t tell her that I was terrified
That you had done it
I told her instead
Thank you for letting me know she’s okay
While my insides were falling to pieces
Knowing you were hurting
Relapsing
Alone
I need you here can’t you see
I need the beautiful
Curly haired girl
With a dog named Daisy
With the ethereal soul
And caring heart
I need her
I’m can’t breathe properly without knowing
Whether you’re safe or not today
I miss you
I do
I painted you a picture
I’m not even artistic
But I painted it anyway
The moon
The one we promised to look at every night
And know the other was seeing the same
A road
Smooth except for one crack
Down the middle
With a dandelion growing from it
I thought of you
On that blank canvas
It silently screamed
This was made to be for her
So I did
The stubborn dandelion
Growing where it wishes
Growing despite the unwelcoming circumstances
I miss you
I do
Watching the videos over again
Just to hear your voice
I need you to exist
One day will come soon enough
The hurt will fade someday
And everything will be okay
Love him
Hug him
Write words of beautiful power and pain
Create art out of junk
Hate trump
Pet your dog
Live
Live
Live
Live
Please
Because I miss you
I do

I’m sorry mom
I still love you
But I’m gone right now
You hit me mom
I kept saying I’m sorry
But you didn’t hear me
Couldn’t hear me
I’m safe now mom
I miss you
I want a hug from you
I just wanted to be okay
But you hit me
I walked down the driveway mom
And I kept looking back
Waiting for the light to turn on
Waiting for you to run out
Saying it’s okay
Come home
But you didn’t mom
And I’m not sure I would’ve
If you did
I’m sorry mom
I didn’t mean to hurt you mom
But you hit me
And I am gone now

Can anyone hear me?
I’m yelling but no one is listening
I’m falling but no one is catching me
I’m crying but no one sees me
I’m grabbing but no one feels me
Am I invisible

I ran
From my problems
They came back
But I didn’t
In a way
I’m still trapped
In that night
Cowered in a corner
Arms over my head
“I’m sorry”
“I’m sorry”
But you wouldn’t listen
Couldn’t
I ran
But my problems followed
They came back
I came back

It feels like I’m taking a deep breath
But my breathing is still irregular
It feels like I’m swimming
With everything I have
But I’m still going under
It feels like I’m running
But my legs can’t support me anymore
It feels like I’m living
But I’m dead now inside

Woke up this morning
And there was rain
Lightning
Thunder
I still was excited
But I didn’t go run in the rain
And I flinched at the thunder
But I still admired the lightning
In awe
Powerful and silent
Lighting up the whole sky
It doesn’t need loud noises to be felt
Lightning is still beautiful
So is rain and thunder
Nothing has changed
Except for me

Got a mark on my thigh that I did with my nails
Got a collection of safety pins tucked by my bed
Got scars on my wrists that aren’t fully healed

Got a permanent smile that isn’t true at all
Got my life together like I got some kinda clue
Got friends who care but I still won’t share

Got thoughts in my head saying I should be dead
Got tears in my eyes as I lay down to sleep
Got piles of clothes that are suddenly too loose

Got a mirror on my wall that taunts and teases
Got eyes that are tired but nobody notices
Got a soul that is broken and a mind that is done

When I die
Yeah, people will be sad
Some might even cry
But as the days go on
And the years pass by
They will slowly forget that I’m gone
They’ll forget to look for me in the halls
They won’t ask where I’ve been
They’ll stop wondering when I’ll call
The only place they’ll look for me
Is buried deep in their memories
Where I’ll always be
As long as you remember me
And if you forget
Hey, that’s okay
I will see you again someday
When I die
Some people might cry
But I will always be
Alive inside your memories

To quote a friend
I’m better
But still in the negatives
Things are looking more positive
I’m healing slowly
But I’m still sitting below zero
Rate my mind from one to ten
It’s better
But still in the negatives

Adjusting to a new kind of normal
One where everything is tense
Trust is long gone
And I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t have the mental capacity
For things that used to be easy
Like helping people
Like eating
Like sleeping
This new normal is different
But it was necessary

How do I tell people
That I don’t see a future?
When I look it seems foggy
Like an unreachable dream
And my instincts are telling me
You’re not going to make it that far
And I want to
I do
But it doesn’t seem reasonable
Even my body is against it
I don’t see a future
The future isn’t bright
Its darkness smothered in fog

Everyone is asking me
If I’m okay
And I just say yes
Because it’s easier to be
To be okay
But it never feels right
And I guess
I guess that’s because ive spoken to you
And they don’t follow it up
With “do you promise?”
They don’t do it like you
So I’ll lie and say yes
I guess

I’m trying my best to be okay
Okay
So stop yelling
Put down the sharp words
Quit making me cry
I’m tired
Please let me try
To be okay
Okay?

I want to be okay
I need to be okay
I will pretend for as long as I can
So I don’t disappoint those around me
Who need me
Want me
To be okay

One day he’ll grow up
One day he’ll realize why we didn’t like him
One day he’ll know it wasn’t his fault
But we don’t like him
Right now
And I hope one day he’ll know it’s because
He got the childhood we dreamed about
He got to be the favorite
He got to know love and hugs
Not hatred and hitting
He got to be mean
And bossy and rude
Without consequences
I hope one day he’ll realize
He got the life we wanted
And we can’t help but to envy him for it.

One day
One day I’ll feel normal again
A new normal
Without pain
But with feeling
Peace
Like that night
Sitting in the middle of the road
Moon half concealed by clouds
Feeling nothing
But everything
I don’t want that
But I do
I need that serene feeling
Of being alone
While simultaneously
Hearing their voices drifting
One day
One day soon
I’ll feel alright

Everything in my head
Words left unsaid
That quiet dying feeling
Not caring about anything
Because I want to die anyway

I haven’t left my house in eleven days
Not by choice
I’m going crazy
The days are years long
I need out
I’m locked up
I can’t function
Help me

I started wearing a rubber band
Around my wrist
So I can send slicing pain
Through my arm when I didn’t feel okay
My wrist is swollen
White welts
But they won’t scar
That makes it okay

Last first day
Senior year
Same halls, same walls
Same people
We fought, we laughed, we talked
We goofed and joked and cried
We have one thing in common
This is the last year we’ll roam these halls
Last year we’ll eat at the cafeteria
Play sports
Create inside jokes
I’ll miss you guys

You want me to be someone I’m not
Just like I want you to be someone you’re not
But we aren’t the same
I want you to be a mother
But you will never change
you want me to be perfect
And I will change infinite times
Trying to be what you want
We are not the same
I don’t know who I am anymore

I never had to ask you
To be a good friend
I never had to worry
About you saying bad things
I never had to hesitate
Before telling you everything
I needed you to get me
And you did
And you will
Midnight or not
And I felt so at peace
Knowing I was safe while I slept
Hearing your voice
Gentle and caring
At the lake with the breeze
Outside with my cat
The one you kept for me
Thankful
For you

I cannot be saved
No words help
Hugs are useless
Pain is everywhere
I cannot cope
Everything is bad
I don’t feel like me
I’m tired

I’ve realized
I don’t like being touched anymore
Not a gentle hand on my back
Not a hand in mine
Hugs are tense
I don’t like them anymore
I used to think I needed contact
But I hate it now
Don’t touch me
I don’t want an arm brushing mine
Fingers on my knee
I don’t want my hair played with
I don’t like it anymore
I used to crave the closeness
Now I just want to be left alone
Don’t touch me anymore

I became quiet
Because you were too loud
I became apologetic
Because you never apologized
I began to hate touch
Because you touched with violence
I began to hate myself
Because you never loved me
I don’t know how much more change
I can take before i’m unrecognizable

I come home
After faking a smile
And curl up on my bathroom floor
And sob
Silently, of course
I’m broken and I cannot be fixed

Words flood my brain
Tsunami
Rain
Depression eats away
Should I leave
Or stay
Anxiety rattles me
Fingers busy
What will I be
Tomorrow

And suddenly I’m back to stacking bracelets

I want




































To not exist

And I walked
Barefoot
Down the road
A block or two
Gravel stabbing my feet
Quiet rustling stuttering my heart
I knew where I was headed
For a hug
A warm room
But I had to make the painful
Cold
Journey to get there

Paint on my fingers
I wash it off
I wish it was that easy
To wash off my scars

Forgetting things that happened
Five minutes ago
So hungry I’m nauseous
Then eating two bites and being full
Waking up after sleeping all night
And still being exhausted
Aches in my legs
Talking takes effort
So does breathing
Zoning out randomly
Fidgeting all the time
Not enjoying things
That used to make me happy
Not excited
For anything
What is wrong with me

I’m struggling
Nothing helps, nothing soothes
I was finally healing
Looking forward to something
Getting my future laid out
I thought this was over
I thought it was done
But no
You dredge it up again
Threaten the one thing I was excited for
Postpone my future
Why
Why
Why
Why do you love to torment me
Why do you hate me?

No more music in my ears
And my head is full of fears
Rational or not I do not know
I can not wait until the day i go
Be
Still
If you will

You wanted to know?
You wanted to know why did I go
I left because I wanted to die.
I left because I ran out of tears to cry.
You said suicide was the most selfish thing
So I left so I could still dream
But you dragged me back and the feeling grows
I don’t tell anybody, nobody knows
That I’m already dead
With all my words still unsaid
I don’t sleep at night
My mind is in a constant fight
For a life I don’t even want to stay in
You think you’ll win
But in the end
I’ll be gone and no one will
No one will win