Sometimes I crave for addiction
Just to have something dependable,
Consistent.

I already have it though, don’t I?
As they said, if I wanted to stop being “sad”
Then I would just stop.

How can I, though?
This is safe, this is still.
This is pain.
This is me.
All I am.
All I’ll ever be.

The depression is “persistent” after all.
More persistent than I’m willing to be.

I like to hide out in my mind
when the world is too much to handle.

It's safe in here.
Dark and serene.
No one to hurt me,
Nothing to fear.

Sometimes, though,
I’m hidden for too long.
I get too comfortable in here.
Too comfortable.

Ready or not, here I come!

If no one comes out to find me,
Seek for me,
Then I won’t be hiding.

I’ll be lost.

Blame me for my pain
Chastise me for my tears
Reprimand me for feeling
and for saying what you don’t want to hear.

I’m sorry that I hurt so much
Hurt so much that it leaks through my tear-ducts,
Bleeds through my scars,
and reaches you—
You.

You make it all about you.
Because how could I be so selfish.
How could I dare hurt you
By hurting myself.

Don’t you think I could’ve used a shoulder to cry on?
Hands to soothe?
Arms to sink into?
Because I think do.

All I sunk into was myself,
I repressed all you saw was wrong with me
Deep deep within me.
Deep deep until I was no longer me
Or I.
Deep deep until I no longer was.

Lost lost
Lost in myself,
Losing myself.
I’m losing
myself.
And you’re losing me too.
God, how could I do this to you.

I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for hurting.

My poetry is the result of an influx of thoughts.

My head can't hold them all,
So they spill out onto paper and soak and stain,
Leaving these tangled strings of words.

I try to arrange them to something comprehensive
But it's mostly an indecipherable nonsense.
I suppose thats what makes it poetry.

At least, it makes the mess in my brain
Just a bit more tangible.

As if it was just feeling "sad".
No.

Its a beast of shadows and darkness that consumes you from the inside.
Its being hollow, devoid of self and everything human.
It's a violent ocean who's waves crashes against your ribs.
It's a pain that infects your core and spreads to the very tips of your fingers.
It's the heaviest nothingness.

It hurt hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts
so ******* much.

I just want it to stop.

"I really don't understand whats wrong with you. You have a loving family and food to eat, and you didn't go through anything traumatic. You have no reason to be like this. It's like you want to be like this."
...
"We didn't even want to send you to therapy. We could've dealt with this ourselves. If you slip up once they'll take you away from us and put you straight into a hospital. Those people don't care about you, your friends don't care about you. Only your father and I do."
...
"Everyone else is happy and living their lives. You're the only one who is all sad. And nobody cares, they're going to just keep living regardless. Even I have to, so you're not going to stop me by being sad like this."

They don't understand how I can't control my need to
Pull
Scratch
Tap
Bite
Pinch
Rock
Pick
&
Fidget
Constantly
Because
I just need to,
To not implode.