Lumin Guerrero

Lumin Guerrero 6d

i am screaming
screaming out to you

why can't you hear me?
just listen.

you say you can't hear me
because i am screaming in silence

and i cant expect people to hear me
if i'm not saying anything at all.

how is it that, inside me
its so **** loud,

and yet i can't manage to get it outside.
i can't get people to hear.

i guess its sad if people are so limited by their senses
while i am able to experience all the infinite forms of communication.

or, maybe its sad for me.
because even if i can communicate in all these infinite ways,

it makes it hard to find the one in which
they can hear me

screaming
in silence.

verbal communication is difficult for reasons i can't explain, and so i speak through art and metaphors.
unfortunately, this isn't most's performed method of communication.

#autism #overwhelmed #neurodivergence #quiet

Lumin Guerrero Dec 13

Promises (un)broken

Your hand, grasped tightly
With the promise to never let go.

You kept your promise.
But I came to realize that your grasp was too tight
Too suffocating
Not right.

I commend you for keeping your word,
And I fault you for my wounds.

For it was you,
You with the razor stuck to your palm,
Blade facing out.

You who would graze it across thighs and
Cut
Them
Up
Into
pieces.

Cut
Me
Up
Into
Pieces -
Fragments -
Nothing.

You kept your promise.
But it hurt to hold on, the blade pressing against my hand
And cutting deep deep into the flesh.

And so I was the one who had to break the bond,
The promise,
And let go.

Still I itch and pick at the wounds that contain the memories of you;
Of the promises I broke,
And the scars you left behind.

Toxic friends **** guys

#selfharm #toxicrelationship #toxicfreindship #toxic

Lumin Guerrero Dec 12

Reasons why not to kms #3

The risk of failing to **** myself
Keeps me from attempting at all.

I mean, I have before.
I have fully committed with
Paragraphed and signed goodbyes
And tears that flowed seemingly flowed up,
up
up
towards the ceiling instead of down my flushed cheeks
So weightless
almost

free.

But, alas,
I didn't die.
No one found out.
So it practically never happened.
Who knows, maybe it was just a figment of my
****** up
imagination.

After attempting so many times I learned that I wouldn't be able to go in a drug-induced, quiet, peaceful sleep.
I would have to do something more drastic.
Something that would draw attention.
Something that they would find out.

And, if I fail, as I had all those times before,
then I don't think I'll be able to live through seeing their
faces painted with disappointment
and pity;
hear their cries,
their lectures,
their self-help talk,
their meaningless affirmations,
the beep-beep-beep-beep
of the hospital
as I lie limp
and useless
and empty
and alive,
and dead.

It would drive me absolutely insane.
But then again,
I suppose I already am.

#suicide

Lumin Guerrero Dec 12

Flowers from bullsh-t

Am I physically unable to succeed, like, ever?

I mean, come on world, cut me some slack!
I'll try as hard as I want,
give you whatever you want,
Just let me have this,
please.

I say this, and I mean it.
I give up every part, piece, fragment of myself
Just to keep failing over and over and over again.

I'm telling you guys, its seriously not fair.
But fine...

I'll just slowly disintegrate into the Earth
Like all dead things do.
Maybe, then I'll grow into something thats actually good
and beautiful
and worthwhile,

Like - like a flower growing from *******!
And not like a total failure and complete waste of space.

Just dumping stuff out of my drafts.
I kind of love the change in tone of this poem (compared to my others)

#failure #teen

Lumin Guerrero Dec 12

Pourquoi es-tu déprimé?

"Quel jour de la semaine aimes-tu le mieux?"
It says on the french homework.

Well, lets see...

Lundi is terrible, first day of the week.
Mardi is subpar, practically a repeat of the first.
Mereredi theres too much too do, between clubs and homework.
Jeudi is too long, and my guitar teacher's chance to remind me little practice I put into the guitar, and everything else that doesn't matter enough to me.
Vendredi is the end, but not quite the start of anything good, since
Samedi is filled with homework and more lessons and such that eat away at me until I'm nothing more but a husk of myself.
Dimanche is when I'm forced to meet my sins in the face while trying to not let them show on my face because I cant let anyone know of these "inner battles" I'm facing.

So, which day of the week do I like the most?
"Aunun.
Je déteste tous les jours,
mois,
année.
...
Je déteste ma vie."

I actually put "Vendredi" because if I say that I hate my life on my french homework, things aren't going to end well for me---

#depression

Lumin Guerrero Dec 12

Heavy

My limbs
My mouth
My fingers
My mind

It all feels so

heavy.

that feeling when depression<<<

#depression