I am
breathless.
wordless.
my eyes attempt to take in
every little piece
of you.
They trace your edges.
Test them.
Dip into the shadows that your head
tilted down in shyness, nervousness, uncertainty mixed with certainty
casts across your neck
The ones that fade out as they reach for your chest
the same way i want to reach out and touch you
slide my hands gently across your skin
kiss you in places that i  never think I'd think to kiss you in
places i never imagined would curve so enticingly the way they did

I want arms
long enough to
reach out and pull you to me
until we share a
single
smoothe
edge.
I want you to
curve to my shape
I want to BE touched
and that fine line
is one I want you to brush your fingertips over
I'd relive it for pieces of forever.

you are the tiniest of scattered things
remembered in the cloudiest of dreams
so vivid when i sleep, sink deep, or
fly high into my head,
you are the characters in the books i have read,
the heroes, both living, and dead,
you are among the greatest of my ambitions,
you are a man, and to become one like you were is my mission,
but you are missing,
you were father, healer of hurts, great counselor,
confidante,
you were there when i was in the room,
but i was not,
when i broke into two,
a shell of me, and i,
wishfully, blissfully,
irridescent moon,
you are, silver-hair, scattered through the many rooms,
the sudden, unexpected trill of an old familiar tune,
you are sometimes the songs you sang,
sometimes the silences
sometimes the gentle rain
sometimes my tears, or violences,
the woods we walked, the talks we talked
the cluttered house,
faded graphite, scribbled in the corners of notebooks, on walls,
in phonebooks, and on all
of my cards,
you are often here
when i am gone
and i am often gone
when you are near
it is the reuniting that i long for,
it is the forgetting that i fear.
you are all around me, but fading,
you are a pencil drawing,
losing its shading.
a perfect snapshot, on aging paper
once and only once a perfect snapshot, later
smeared, torn, lost, or forgotten,
burned, replaced with another, eaten by moths,
found wet, molded, yellowed, or rotten.
Returned to earth, or dust, or ash,
and though i long  to hold you in a perfect memory..
time...
must pass.
i miss you.

i found two stones of onyx
they did differ in their size
i found them above soft red rock cliffs
surrounded by circles like shattered stars
of fire so blue in some places
it shakes and laces white
writhing, like water struck by light-
ning - flecks of sea-
shot upward by electric energy

i can see without  a mirror
into the eyes of the storm
like a whirlpool that wrecks ships
whitewater that rarely quits
unexpected instant shifts when at about six inches away
sideways to sit beside you
forward sometimes (in my minds eye mind you)
i sit where i sit
but envision lip skip space to lips
to sip redlipped kisses, miss,
momentarily slip over simple clever quip
let out in sunshine after a snare drum stutter or two
I...I..I have a girlfriend, but who are you?

It's ironic
I make doors all day,
but i never get to open them.
I see hope in a sea full of island-men
But  none of them will send for it.

I could be ended
independently of any plans i have
my next moment could slip into the past
as my last breath
my next moment could become just a scratch in the crust of the earth
a resting place for my bones and teeth
a scratch that leaves a scar
i would pray that i might be missed by more than few and far
between you and i, i know
i know i am selfish
i admit that i am self absorbed
i like to masquerade as introspective
because who doesnt believe that looking inward to sort your self out
is beneficial, who doesnt think that just a little selfishness is acceptable
I am prideful, i love you for me
i do good things
because doing good makes me feel good
i hide when you most need my presence
because well, "i needed it and i just couldnt help it"
I talk about me again, even when i have already said it
i am sick, i need a medic,
i have been manic,
i am letting go of my madness
i will not find the light in it
i have found it
and turned my face to the side
faking that i couldnt tell the truth
from a lie.

Left. Creek. Splash.
Above. Creek. Like  a waterfall.
Shuffling on the rocks

Music stuck in my head
the crackling of fire pops in the mix of
maroon five and
early a.m. skies
stars
flicker in and out
the breath of a man
just through making love
to a mountain

I should do this more often.

Hey watch this,Babe i got this
backflip it and stick it
like a ninja i'm acrobatic
you want it back but babe you just cant have it
i rock around your feelings wreaking havoc
roll around in the poison looks your'e shootin me
but it don't burn cause i'm dressed in hazmat
You got that?
Babe i got this.

I got a gypsy heart, and i don't know where i'm going,
but i know where to start.
right here, right now, all i am for all you are.
Keep my ramblin feet moving,
i pray one day one can ramble with me,
catch up or never fall behind,
i got major love, but i just cant stay more than tonight.

Faith
like a mustard seed
but
its
sprouting

Do you remember the melody
of a sweetly sang blue silk symphony?
of my sharp breaths and moaning singing?
of cracks in my ****** expressions?
the ones typically tempered to turn my passion into passivity?

Do you remember when the accompanying
string snapped?
I went quiet, cold
couldn't sing for my stranglehold on my
selfishness and...lust? Yes. Lust.
Do you remember the difference?
The dissonance?
I feel like a **** and it's
so far from ridiculous
I don't feel like i deserve your forgiveness
guess what i'm trying to say is
I'm sorry and
though i don't know if it will happen again
because i'm new at singing this song
I don't want it ti

I need to know
all i need to know
is the harmony of the first night of the blue silk symphony
still echoes strong
(in the background, in the background)
and i just can't hear it because
lack of forgiveness ...whether my own for myself, or yours for me right now
( is such a loud sound)
( loud sound)

Body brimming with sensations.
inhabited by aches built up from ages.
You are only twentytwo.
But you're ancient soul,
And I hurt like you.
You've seen much
And known much beyond what you can speak.
You're bent double in the dirt,
But no pained sounds scratch dry across your lips.
Instead, this drumbeat.
Permeating the air with your presence.
Your ancient cadence and effervescence.
Its ever present
And it lingers
Tingles tinged with nectars sweeter
Converge at your coming,
At your going
They scatter to the four corners of the earth.
At Vesper's whisper, one evening far,
You'll find your star-singed edges
Returning to where you are.
You shall know yourself.

This is a rebellion against my intrinsic Romantic.
I've decided I have no time for love if it's suffocated by semantics.

Here I am thinking of you again
sometimes i can't get you out of my head
all i can do is think about you until
some ****** test demands my attention

then i hurry through
and daydream of being with you

Did you know that you are the person on earth that i am closest to?
You are. And i'm glad it's you.
Because I'm not sure
I could trust anyone the way i trust you

thirty pieces of silver scattered around my feet
he went to hang himself - regret it was i think

Like the fire and water that is in it
He prays. He hears. He is in it. It is finished.
Night and Day
He begins and ends in no place.
Like a flood, vortexed, making me
become introspect
You have set yourself as a seal upon my skin
This mark was made by no mere man
My brother and my father,
my lover are suns,
swept away in a sacrifice of blood
The moon is made of me and I Am
a child of fire, born of the same God deemed desire
There is truth hidden in this tattoo

I lay my hand on an alter of incense
may it smolder and remind me of you
Alpha, Omega, white light from night
you pray, you hear, you speak
and the x's and squares flatten into
lines that direct them to your might

In the past month i have been depressed, angry, ecstatic, energetic, lifeless, happy, and hopeless.I have hated myself and i have loved myself. I have done things that i never thought i would.  I regret some of them. Others confuse me with the way i want them and want their complete opposites. I am a man of complete confliction. I am scared that my confliction has cost me you. I fear I am alone. But i know i am not. I have people, some that i want in my life, others that i don't.  And i have God. A god i at times scream at, whisper to, or share a secret smile or sadness with. A god that i trust, but that i fail maybe even more than minutely.  A god who you believe is using this circumstance, this what seems like utter loss, but is really just the building of walls, the lessening of potential, the closing of doors, to make me turn to him. And i am turning, but i am still failing. I am still conflicting. I fear i will forever. And that i will never be good enough. That i will never return to the state of  being enough to be with you.  That i have given you up for my conflictions, my mistakes, lusts, wants, and compulsions.  You are  guarded. I am guarded. I can no longer lay my self before you. I cannot bring myself to.  I do not know if it is for this, or for something else that you  have your walls, walls that i never wanted, expected, or even feared could exist. I have been blindsided by this. But you are not here to help me. God is, but i remain in this limbo of thoughts and actions that dont add up.

There cannot be found a man who places me under more scrutiny than i place myself. Therefore, when i tell you something of myself, do not question its veracity.
Would that this statement were all encompassing,
but for my softening of my own knowing, and for my unknowings of my own blindnesses,
i entreat you, question me, and question me often.

The riders come on horseback strange
The days are coming; soon will change
The four horsemen that come in night
One pale, one dark, one red, one white
And each will bring a plague derange

Now listen well and preludes hear
The coming of the horsemen’s near
The blood of God, our only hope
The riders come…

The first is white and wields a bow
The second, red, is war we know
The third is black and steals our food
The last is pale and kills our brood
Each plague when comes will bring us woe
The riders come…

when i imagine, attempt to fathom, the essence of the color red
i am overtaken by the autumn leaves,
i, happily am brought to my knees ,
at the hands of the shivering breeze i,
imagine that the change is as true to the leaves as,
the reality of change, even of the color red, is to me, i
ought to remember flame thrown in crooked sweeps across my face,
fire spat against me when i sought embrace,
anger and hate, hurt and bitter traces of,
memories of crimson dipped lace, it,
was dipped in blood, see i remember that color too, but
if it was dipped in rubies it would look less like her and more like you
then, i might just be able to forget,
the times where she was wordless and my words were spent,
in her mind worth only the spit i spilled from my lips when
i, decided i would in good faith let my love of color loose lips,
shhh, this is not a time for painful trips.
divine roses i think have thorns embedded in their petals
their beauty is more  entwined, inseparable,
than those dying plants i find scattered at the will of God and whimsical gardeners
i have found earth that is so deep rich and red
that i forget about all the dreams i had of my last lover, and past lovers in my bed,
then i realize just how mixed up in my head this color is, i
twist to do what i think is untwist, my
head is wrapped up in this corundum conundrum
, but less i think than the rust flecked fist sized
writhing flesh in my chest, doing its dance more erratically than  explosions from
bombs dropped on cities where i don't live
(why should i care?)
well, red. . .
red. . .
is the color of your hair.

No medication,
What's my purpose in position?
What is this that I've been missin?
Keep on movin, keep forgettin
that I'm here and on a mission
feel a spark there in my chest
risin from my hollow breast
gotta get up take a chance
It won't burn out like the rest
I'm gonna
let it smolder, let it flame
let it build, give God the blame
he lit it - no one can **** it
no one can take the love that's in it,
let it blaze, let's let it roar
I'm breakin chains, get off the floor
been layin down and takin kicks
from myself, ignorin ticks
tellin me
I've been set free, I'm free indeed-
but free and lost and on my knees
why'm i dead here on my face
I've been too blind to too much grace
but heaven holds the healing
to the empty i've been feeling,
to the nothing i have felt,
to the hand that i've been dealt,
to the pain that I've been dealin with, well,
to the lies that Ive been tellin my self,
to all the things i fear to face
the answer is amazing grace
This is not a crutch.
This is the solution.
The answer to my mind I'm losin
Truth amidst the lies of hell that hurt holds.
Take time to stand still and Let my lord touch my soul.
Been walking with a dark understanding,
got too far and too demanding
thought my way was the best way,
think I'm losing it , think my chest may,
cave in, I'm lookin for the silver lining,
but i can't see past the ceiling,
tired of all the climbing,
I'm trying, but i can't keep looking up
need to feel like you're here beside me before i just give up

I **** self
daily I die at my own hands
I die that I may live more than any empty man
I AM! - what am I?
my - my hands - my hands lie,
why? - I  tell the truth - like to say at least i try
the- sky mocks me with its silence, you're listening and you've got this,
but my prayers hit the ozone
I have felt this way for so long.
I know you hear, i know that's real
but how can I, when I believe but I don't feel
I am numb. I hate your will.
I will
do whatever it is that this takes-
said the same words before but they were fake-
didn't feel them, I guess it was the same problem,
I mean they're vicious and God you know I've got em,
only you can heal em,
let me, love my self, so i can love somebody else,
make me love my enemy like i love my brother,
cleanse this tongue - if you can't - cut it out, I'll take another, mother -
mary she did't say much
saw the spear pierce, heard your flesh crunch,
watched you be battered and bruised, becoming broken and abused-
So i could feel you, know you
you know, live you, show you-
not like a coward- like a lion
sick of lyin sayin i'm dying, I'm not.
I'm livin. I'm livid.
Angry, called to be an extremist
but barely any action ecapes, as extreme as words extreme as this.

I do not exactly know how i lived. But i did. and I do.
I do not know what it means to live, and yet i have, it is true.  
I am a pendulum, forgotten by physics
I will never not swing.
I will always sing through the air.
and when I'm here, or when I am there
I'll always live, though it's never fair.

laid bare before you but not by your own hands
as naked now as the night i joined my soul to hers or more
i am clothed
and yet inexplicably driven to connect to you
i lay open the wounds that still gape with
holes perfect to press fingertips open into, perfect to re open
no sugar, no sweetness in my voice, no manipulation, my words barely even my choice,
choked out, almost choked out, but surviving
to make it through my throat and past my lips
teasing my eyes to tears i can barely breathe through
i am see through
and
you don't even know if i am worth getting to know
but somehow, someway i will show
you the truth
i am as worth getting to know s you.
that this nakedness is not my way of trying to get you naked
it is no ploy to gain power over your scattered, shattered heart

what if
what if i was always wrong
if life
has always been a half sang song
a crescendo
with a gentle backbeat
the sound of a heartbeat
a gentle end
that slips softly into silence'
leaving only the remembrance
of the last three notes as they breathed their last
easily forgotten in the next ten seconds passed
going back to sleep on the paper forever
a whisper in the mind of a music reader


a conductor
moving to the rise and fall of my breath
what if
what if i was always right?
...
i was always right.

at the last moment
as i perform a masterpiece
i look past the crowd
and there stands the conductor
clapping
and i am gently napping

Last night i dreamed
you got a purple heart tattoo

Last night i dreamed
that i still meant something to you

He laid down his riches, his kingdom, his throne,
and for mankind became a slave.
He willingly and knowingly allowed himself to be offered up as a tribute to defang and defame death. and your minuscule issues. He laid himself down to be lifted up. He fought not the fate of crucifixion, for redeeming the fate of man was his mission.Why would the ultimate goal of the only God of the universe be to redeem a creation that had defied him?Why, when betrayed, was the ultimately powerful God inclined to give up his life to recapture our affections and our fates from what our defiance necessitates?
Freedom to love freely given us
we were not meant
to be robots
we were meant
to have hearts
our hearts, became harlots
they lay down
with the unworthiest of lovers
they drowned, and drown themself,
in affairs hidden under dingy covers
love is a choice
and we messed this one up
We tore through his heart with splinters
, and though he loved us dearly, we struck a bargain with death.
Gavels smashed the nails into place.
It was a debt that would destroy love.
But love could not be destroyed
And so, after three days, with death’s sting in hand, he rose.
He was the only one able to become a thorn in death’s side.
It was for mercy,
it was for justice,
it was for love,
and it was for grace, that he became incarnate.
It was from before time, from the beginning of creation,
from the birth of man at his hands, from the moment his breath filled Adam’s lungs,
it was from then, that it began.
In creation,
it is the incarnation and the resurrection that so clearly paint a portrait of God's face,
and just how he loves man in this broken place
rescuing and redeeming it.
he is not hiding. he is here.
There is a thread of scarlet, weaved from the very moment we fell,
up until the day we shall be well,
up until the day we shall explode from the ground in unending swells
This thread from death, to life, through love, is Jesus.
He is a stamp of lipstick that seals a love letter to humanity.
Though humanity is a *****.
It is an illumination of his love for us.
The light of a lamp ever close,
when by chasing the affections of others we have attempted its escape.
It is too plain. And it is meant to be that way.
It is intended to thwart our blindness and woo us away from unworthy lovers.
It is the clearest declaration of love man has ever been exposed to.
His life, It is a portrait of Jesus, and how he loves his bride. It is God’s greatest pick up line.
So why it is that he came? He came to live, to be tortured and yes, to die..
But what is most important is this: He came for us.
restoration of us to a place of life.
the image of God within us
to its full manifestation
replaced within the proper space  
though not  finally consummated until our glorification.
It accomplished all it intended, and it intended our full resurrection
  We are resurrected unto life,
unto intimacy with God,
unto hope for a future,
unto the loss for words at his love for us.
We are resurrected unto eternal paradise with the God-man who loves us most


ANd when i hear the gavel echo
it will strike through history
ring with the sound of nails pounded into a crucifix
by weary roman hands, bloodstained, sliced by the grain of the wood and
reflect the splintered dogwood tree in his eyes
and he will smile. I will finally understand.

All, nothing, or the next best thing
something, waiting, or living my dreams
They aren't black diamonds, just shiny black coal
Each with it's exception, each with it's hole.
two with their benefit, one with it's beast
none of them docile, and all filled with teeth.
Hungry and hurtful and all double-edged
And here i am standing, perched on a ledge
glance down, inhale, and take it all in
Too many ways i could lose, but only two I could win
So do i stand here still and stiff
or do i step, fall off this cliff?

Is there any such thing as always?
For sure forever is a fairy tale, or so i thought
broke down after my best attempts at building bridges
so i could still
walk all over them
and then
had my eyes Un-jaded by a jagged re-creation
so that i could see all the blazes that i left in my wake
all the floods of fire that i set for my own sake
realized i had forgotten that there is always one
always. . .
that there is for sure just one forever

we were a classical case
of too many chemicals
catalytic affections
that infect with their tentacles
grab hold, render me wrecked
in the best of ways and the worst
sweet poison that sates something
only to instill a greater thirst

It astounds me just how ignorant I can be of the hurt i have caused those i have at whatever time counted myself closest to. I find myself thinking i understand, thinking i did well to minimize the damage, and maintain the truth, but that the truth gets minimized, and the damage gets maintained in its fullest potential. I do not often hurt on purpose. I strive to do the very opposite. I do not want  to be a vindictive man, but a man of forgiveness and mercy. I find that I , in my own strength am capable only of so much mercy and forgiveness giving, that at the ends of my strength, the mercy and forgiveness run dry, while people's need to be forgiven infinitely continues to grow.  I find that in such cases, i am in direct combat with my emotions, and with , simply put, myself. I want to forgive, but i do not want there to be no punishment or repercussion to action. And so, opting for such a thing as is called grace, i pray, and one by one, i put emotions to rest. Insecurities of my own manifest and must be killed. I fight. And i pray.These two things are synonymous. I attempt to make recompense, and where i see my own minimizing of truth, in hindsight, set it to it's full nature, bluntly, and plainly, no matter the pain it brings. I am truly sorry that it brings pain. yours, and any, and many others. I only seek as best i can to right the wrongs i become aware of in myself. And yes, sometimes i am guilty of seeking loopholes, roundabouts, or escapes. I will not shy from this fact. I will, note, however, that i often need be made aware of these. For my constructing them is done with so much cunning, and so much stupidity,as to blind myself in both knowledge and deed to their existence. On occasion i taste an inkling of an excuse, and sometimes i am strong enough in myself to face it. Other times, without being confronted, i run from it. I chalk them up to insecurities or uncertainties, over analyzations and things i cannot at all bring any help to.I would ask boldly, that if you see any in specific, you will not for your own hurt, though likely being substantial, shy from me , rather, bring them to light, and give me life in the opportunity to reconcile my own beliefs to my actions. I have found lately that i have a struggle many men have. Esse quam videri- to be rather than to appear. My seeking, my willingness, essentially arises from a quest after authenticity at all costs. If i am not real to myself, and to others, what value can I, or my relations have? I must be real with myself, and with my God, if i am to truly know him, for in knowing myself, I may understand how I relate to my savior. I am glad to finally begin to see the edges of good qualities i have only before been able to imagine myself as having - even if i have had them all along. They , in me, have always seemed imaginary, something to comfort me of my complete depravity. Some slight beginnings of love to alleviate my sufferings of self hate - whether for my actions or my form. I have found my alleviations outside myself, and clung wholly to them.I can now be aware of my complete depravity, and allow grace not only to be applied by Christ himself to me, but apply it to myself, as much or more than i have managed to apply it to others. I do not contend for the opportunity to hide, but for the opportunity, the courage, and the strength, to show myself, and to be known to myself, others, and God. I have long gone about this in ways i thought apt, a plethora of ways i have discovered to be thin veneered self medication. Whether by substance - or by using my actions, separate. By using the very chase of authenticity as an excuse to numb myself from the crime of my identity.I am no crime. Though I am bought at the price of those crimes i have perpetrated, and those crimes that i will inevitably perpetrate - the cost is the blood of the most loving and  most beloved. It is paid, and i , being bought, must not any longer appear as the essence of my crime, nor in the essence of penance. I am free to behold my identity separate from my depravity. I am free from sin that has died in me. My value has been uncovered. I am as a jewel, found smudged with dirt, in need of being formed and cut. The dirt has been washed free. I shine. Facet after facet comes into existence, while rough edge after rough edge begs to be spared and clings to being.

By the cadence of my steps,
A jilted lover shall know death.
And if in morning she shall wake,
She'll know her lost And lonely mate.
We trail and trek,down unto doom,
In lengthy night and shortened noon
We Lovers hold each others hearts,
And trip,and choke,
And break, now hark:
The cadence comes, hers matches mine,
We cuckold be: by loves fair shine,
Know only bends and shattering,
And we grow tired, wait,and see.

He is above understanding altogether.He is the greatest mesmer. Always. Ever. A mystery. Above rationality by countless staircases. Square on the ground but floating and flying. In front of me. Behind me. Adjacent and in between. In places that don't even exist.  A single thing. Higher and greater than the highest and greatest. He made himself lowest for the low and the nameless. Making many a face for many a faceless man. Changing the unchangeable by changing into human skin. His name is Jesus. He is the illuminating dark.He is praised by songs that don't even come from lips. He speaks the language of the universe.After all the universe is language. Likely in verses. "Let there be light" he spoke the words and they were. The universe is language and it's speaking simultaneously. I am drowning in him, not even wanting to breathe, sliding fluidly through a 3D crystal sea that seems to breathe. Surrounded as far as the eye can see, farther than the edge of my dreams. It is kissing me awake and madly maddening me to sleep. He is looking at me lovingly. They are romancing me.  A sea of black boxes. Black boxes the colors of rainbows. Thick and smoothe like molten marshmallow, flowing overhead and underfoot, i am begging to be ambushed by their undertow. Square and solid black boxes that flow,like two  synchronized streams, in velvet synchronicity, a marriage of both extremes, This is paradox in reality. I am pleading to be painted oblivious but i don't know, maybe i am jaded by invisible star-songs, not even knowing I've spent my life humming along. I'm lost in the knowledge that i do not know. Letting my spirit marvel breathlessly at the breathtaking beauty of my soul. This is the universe. Un-understood and undeniable.

Silhouetted by the Setting Sun
I'm content but i am mourning because
another day is almost done
Why does it have to be this one?
The one i met you for the first time?
The first day i held you and wished you were mine?
the one i learned  our lips slip together
like rhymes
from a poet's soul

The night i knelt and asked because it just felt right
why must i walk away again tonight?
Why do i have to be away from you?
My waking dream that's coming true
and here i sit not knowing if
tomorrow is worth leaving this
this bliss...?

Will it be broken by morning?
Or will i even feel it through sleeping?
and in the night when in my dreams i'm waiting
will you be my gentle shaking
when i lie there slowly waking?

The purple light bleeds dripping  through the southern sky
the sun falls silent to the moon's soft shine
and i
i have to realize
that no matter how much or how many times
i wish it wasn't or beg to know why
even the best of days will pass away
when sun and moon are gone
then must come another day

And I
I realized
silhouetted by the setting sun
that if the first would not have gone
then the rest would not have come
that if the ones before had stayed
the ones thereafter would be slayed
only the first day would exist
silhouetted by a sun like this.

They said i was a **** but im not see
they said i was naughty  but thats not me
they said i was smoothe like im watery
but im not cause im nautically inept
i'd drown if i tried to swim in watery depths
stickin to the shallows where the minnows are kept
cause i cant trust the captain when im wearing the hat
worried bout the undertow and the way that it swept me out
im not sure what will come to pass but my compass will get me out
its late, but its gonna be early soon, ill start watching morning stars
and stop getting distracted by the reflection of the moon
waves like to slap me in the face, it might not be courteous
but its the cultural pace, its rude, values are lost and the truth
is sinking to the bottom of the trench, spit on and forgotten in the deepest end

Clove kisses saturate remembrance.
The peaceful taste of antiseptic.
And  the smell of rekindling embers in November
Fires stoked with seasons.
sneak through my nose to rest on the back of my tongue
The autumn is screaming with the call of leaves dying,
But oh, they smell so beautiful,
and we are so warm.
While you were here, you barely let go of my arm.

I believe in miracles because i live them
so many happen in my life with me too blind to see them
but they say hindsight is 20/20 and as they pass me by
i wonder how i could have missed them, i mean i do have eyes
its so plain, so obvious that you my lord have been at work
but i have been so shortsighted, i guess drowning in my hurt
trying to tread water for three months just to breathe
took me far too long to realize it wasn't what i need
it took me far too long to realize that you make miracles from tattered pieces
a patchwork quilt, far too grand to see from two feet away
but i try to see it from here anyway
thinking that I've got it all figured out
that you've handed me every piece
i was never before so wrong in my life
..............so........................
Thank you Jesus

where one may take a heartache with a swallow, i take it with a hand grenade

I'll pretend that i forget
If you'll stop pretending you forgot
But you won't
so this is pointless
Just forget it
(It should come natural)

Just not my best friend anymore...
It just isn't so
But these vagabond feelings I feel
They just wont go
You've still got some ****** up hold
I think in how you left
You steal the feelings I wish I could feel
It's the worst kind of theft.

rhythym like that
makes the rain jealous
smile when you move
or its just not the same
rain makes my bones ache
and then i escape into sleep
i love you too... perhaps a bit too much
i just wanna wipe your tears
the way i wipe windows to stare out of them
on days like this when my own vision is foggy

she... she left me callous and cold, ripped raw and alone, ....you...you spoke radio wave words that embedded themselves in my skin, took time to sink and burrow in, I, I made promises that shuffled into the sketched edge skyline, my lifeline, I, screamed promises at God.

I am caterpillar
teeth hungry for things that leave me behind
leaves blowing in the wind when i wish i could call them mine
pieces of the past spit out for lack of taste, lack of color,
lack of the ability to reacreate, lack of everything that i thought was underneath my name
But that will all be over soon,
please, though i am caterpillar,
call me cocoon
help me spread silk over myself
to cover over all misery i have felt
help me forget the cards that i have been dealt
help me
GIVE UP MYSELF
turn me liquid. . .
dissolve all i have left
enzymes are invited to devour my deepest desires
I am tired of not being able to fly

I wish
I held a secret
affections unuttered as to
avoid the coming clutter
of our friendship
coloring pages uncolored
now, i love colors, don't get me wrong
but when i mix the hues
and they come out differently than i expect
when i aim for purple and insteead get blue
its unnerving, loss of control,
thoughts of being undeserving because i did something wrong
the entire nature of our friendship has been altered - now, i am afraid
before. . .i could hide. everything could be fine.
so long as i shut my eyes and kept mt teeth clenched tight.
i wish i hadnt told you how i felt last night. . .
especially since i wish i knew how to express my self rightly
i cant put words to these affections quite so well
i love you, but not in the way that i might love someone else
that i would feel these things for. . . i don't think i like you like that
i think my jealousy is wrapped up in my own pride
i think my affections are perfectly fine.
i dont want you to have the idea
that im falling madly in love with you
and that you have to at all change the way we are
that. . .would be the tragedy i am afraid of.
even the slightest altering of the innocent
simple, beautiful, unexplained nature of our friendship

tonight your beauty brings me pain
smile not like hail(hell), like rain

but like the fourth under torrent
when your sister "as a joke"
did us a favor, locked the back door
pouring rain, we had to walk through
lingered as long as we could without suspicion
kissed more deeply than i ever could have imagined
let cold drops of liquid dreams roll down our skin
but we were warm entwined and right where we were supposed to be
all those moments when we had
realized that we wouldn't mind at all
if this clishe of romance would
transpire between friends became lovers
no one can take this from us
the day our outlines melted away
into nothing, in the rain
returned soaked and feigned
anger as best as i could
with a smile on my face

ANd when i hear the gavel echo
it will strike through history
ring with the sound of nails pounded into a crucifix
by weary roman hands, bloodstained, sliced by the grain of the wood and
reflect the splintered dogwood tree in his eyes
and he will smile. I will finally understand.

An urge
to fall on my face in the embers
scoop them up in my palms to give me scars that I'd remember
To Pray
God would take his very fingertips
rip open my chest
and throw my heart at the nearest star
because that kind of surrender
that kind of sacrifice
is much too far
when all I can think about is how far
I've fallen,
from what I thought He wanted me to be.
Consume me with warranted zealotry.
I am tired of praying But not feeling.
I am tired of doing and not being.
Release me from all I can't break free from.

I sit in a church pew, keep quiet
think ideas outrageous enough to ...start a riot
most men swallow only truths that are shallow
ideas that are not to be questioned because they're hallowed
the scared, the weak, and fools fill up the building
ears closed to the message behind the words that they are shielding
blindly, willing to throw their bodies to the flames
for higher truths that lift the rope to where they're hanged
They say that truth is black and white, i guess they didn't see it blend
like blood and sweat on a heretics skin - to the Jews-  he was a heretic to them
guess they haven't realized eyes that never really try to see may as well have always been blind
guess your truth is easy to find
I've seen them lay it in your hands, those half ignorant red-faced men in pulpits in the heartland
They've got a lot to say, and i take it with a grain of salt
but God himself said test the spirits - go a little deeper, walk the walk
so wrap your mind around the words and what they really mean
let the truth and the heretic that brought it be your king
i am
advocating heresy