racing, cascading, my brain is aching after tasting
the bitter, bittersweet, sweet, teas
my thoughts are teased out of caffeine
and sugar
they vibrate and hover between my skull
and grey matter
and they shatter
but they matter,
reshape, and they trace through ages of filters
shot glasses clink together
the hiss of flames from a lighter
licking a propane stove
the sparks, as i am taken higher
by the tear drop traces of bitter liquid
the sensations that i love
crashing against my silence clad hubris
a song sang sweetly across my tainted tongue
that's painted numb
i'll grasp this tightly in my fist
this  moment of quiet that has begun
it fades quicker, is lost faster,
than bullets blink from the barrel of a gun
than suns set, than cars wreck,
than one breath becomes none

it nonsensical that i'm cynical
when love has always been  my pinnacle
i created a false dichotomy
between being loved and never being hurt
but that's just it, loving takes a lot of me
and it's covered me in years of blood and dirt
but that can't bury it's worth
i plunged my hands into the earth
expecting a dagger that laid dormant,
but the beauty that i found was stark, and storming
sharp, and thorny,
but with petals too, uncurling
not yet in full bloom, but soon
A  white rose will come under another moon
licked by drops of blood,
pricked from my fetid wounds.

my path is satiation
rage is my recreation
no more delineation
i crave your liberation
im caught in my own mire
bound up by my desires
cage of my own creation
im stuck between relations
sacraments and medication
breathed into my being
divisions my denomination
emptiness is what i'm feeling

all my hopes ive been misplacing
i lose my head in circle tracing
lines throughout my thoughts
fight to twist, untwist, each place they cross
i guess maybe i'm lost
and so i look for signs
create them where they're not

they say that desperate times
call for desperate measures
im so desperate for pleasure
i mistake it for pain
so hungry for help,
i could drown in a drop of rain
so take me deeper
i'm already under
what more is there to loose
ill breathe in fear
im underwater
this is the death i choose

sacraments not meant for tasting
ive spent my whole life chasing
but my life and self are recreating
and my guilt God is erasing

weight behind my eyes
i'm tired
tum tum drums and craving cries
music in my ears
words whistle-swish through my brain
i'm thinking
I have never felt this way
and I'll never feel the same
so Just this once
this is what a moment is
passing to the next
just this once
and then i'll let it slip
sleep will subtly sweep me down
and then i'll lose my grip
sight will  fade out of my eyes
my head will be a cloud
but for now...
for now Im young and alive

I do not exactly know how i lived. But i did. and I do.
I do not know what it means to live, and yet i have, it is true.  
I am a pendulum, forgotten by physics
I will never not swing.
I will always sing through the air.
and when I'm here, or when I am there
I'll always live, though it's never fair.

little one
huddled, hiding
in that place
i only ever arrive at
by spiraling

why is it that you fear
everything?

come out.
It may hurt.
It may not be safe.
But here
you can uncurl.

I will try.  I don't know that i will succeed.
To describe the things that went through my head.
I was there. And somehow i knew  turtle was beside me. but only for a second.
then he blinked out of existence.
and the sounds...they crashed together. they  became so loud that they were indistinguishable from one another.
then nothing. quiet.
only pictures.
pictures and questions.
remembrance.
i wondered why i was where i was.
i saw the succession of choices, mine and other,
that had placed me.
i wondered if it was the end of everything.
i was crushed by the subaru.
it flattened me into the ground and kept rolling.
but i was sure...that i was done.
everything...all of it...
pictures so quick their edges  werent in existence...
this.....amalgamation of my experience...
looped through with slivers of my dreams..
all ******* in the ideas of what i wanted to do
what i dreamed
what id do different
what i never got to do
who id leave behind
how  it was all my fault
how i cost them me,
how i would leave a void in them that nobody else could fill
it wasnt how i wanted to be rememebred...
but at least they wouldnt forget..
i became for some, what no others could be.
it wasnt much. it wasnt even enough.
id die with many regrets.
and id die young.
god i was young
what was i thinking
yes..i was stressed...but relief wasnt worth this
id go through a thousand days
a thousand times *******
if it meant i could have just one more..
not even a good one,
at all, any day would do
i understood my dad
any day above ground...
you know how the saying goes
i wondered if it was like this for him..
maybe not full of adrenaline...
but perhaps he relived his entire moment
as he slipped away
would i see him?
what was there?
i didnt see any light..
i didnt see anything for a minute..
i was so deep in my brain..
i was this kernel of thought curled up inside of my skull...
buried...beneath all else..
i shrunk....into almost nothing...
i faded....and then from blank,
back to seeing.
am i ...alive?
i...i was crushed..
i...am i bleeding?
can i breathe? is anything broken?
blood from my foot.
just there.
can i move?
i can move.
HELLLLLLLPPPP
HELLLLLPPPP
SOMEBODDDY HELLLLP
CALL 911!!!!!
BRENT.
where is he?
okay i was thrown out...
theres lights.
thats the car. check it.
is he in it?
is he trapped?
run down the mountain.
there are briars.
go around.
push through. just get there. doesnt matter if you get cut.
he isnt in here. unless hes under the cooler.
move the cooler.
okay he isnt in here.
where is he. i dont see him. was he throiwn?
call out.
i yell. nothing
wait.
a moan. which...down there.
there he is .
i see him.
diagnose.
can you move?
talk to me?
can you breathe?
is anythign broken?
are you breathing?
hes talkign in circles.
not good.
better than nott alking.
but someything is wrong.
i smell fish?
pat him down. feel for breaks.
can you walk?
let's get you out of the creek.  
up the hill.
we have to get out.
how.
i cant see a way.
some strangers are here. i dont know his name.
ask.
is 911 on the way?
good.
can they find us? how far?
where are we?
i dont know the area.
can you find a phone?