Let's be honest here
I hear voices.
It's hard not to listen to them.
They are convincing.
Even when what they say is complete *******.

i want to brush my fingertips along the line of your lips
trace your edges and, gently take hold of your hips,
take my hands, and take it slow and let it slip,
whisper in your ear that i want a littlle taste
, a little sip, come close and caress you like for so long ive missed,
tell you that i love you, and then smile a ******* grin, like this

broken rhythym
trying to explain my heart to her
splattered on the wall
shattered and splashed on all of my surroundings
shattered, splattered, all
but i am stuck resounding
the overcoming call
i wil love, i will love you,
for every day, for all,
i will not leave, i will not leave you,
not for a single
foot
fall
Let's walk

she is a dancer
I am  music
we are at times out of sync
her steps may clash with my beat
her ease may be mismatched to my harshness
but we are by our very essences entwined
I am the sky
she is the sea
I, with my gravity,
draw her to me,
We are together
when we are apart
because against all sense
we are senseless as art
we are like blood
and like veins
we move through each other
we crave
we are like wanderings
and feet, and hearts,
we are so close,
but so far apart

In the past month i have been depressed, angry, ecstatic, energetic, lifeless, happy, and hopeless.I have hated myself and i have loved myself. I have done things that i never thought i would.  I regret some of them. Others confuse me with the way i want them and want their complete opposites. I am a man of complete confliction. I am scared that my confliction has cost me you. I fear I am alone. But i know i am not. I have people, some that i want in my life, others that i don't.  And i have God. A god i at times scream at, whisper to, or share a secret smile or sadness with. A god that i trust, but that i fail maybe even more than minutely.  A god who you believe is using this circumstance, this what seems like utter loss, but is really just the building of walls, the lessening of potential, the closing of doors, to make me turn to him. And i am turning, but i am still failing. I am still conflicting. I fear i will forever. And that i will never be good enough. That i will never return to the state of  being enough to be with you.  That i have given you up for my conflictions, my mistakes, lusts, wants, and compulsions.  You are  guarded. I am guarded. I can no longer lay my self before you. I cannot bring myself to.  I do not know if it is for this, or for something else that you  have your walls, walls that i never wanted, expected, or even feared could exist. I have been blindsided by this. But you are not here to help me. God is, but i remain in this limbo of thoughts and actions that dont add up.

was it right and just the wrong time?
or was it wrong?
did i break it, or just bend it?
should have i begun it? should i ever have ended it?
the fact of asking questions
makes me think i know the answers
I still wish i could be with you.
I am sorry for what i have put you through.
I know i am forgiven. That is not my worry or my hurt.
My hurt is in the dashing of what we had upon the rocks
as if it was an infant, and i just couldn't take care of it,
or it was sick,
but it was a beautiful child, and i will miss it,
even though i never really knew it.

I feel even now, as if in my aimlessness,
my direction, my weakness,
in my search for truth, and  the strength to make the  change i know i need in myself,
I am only destroying any and every inkling, of anything that's left,
if there is any at all
with each breath,
with each kiss,
with each time i try to fill this place you fit.

with each time i try to move on, or distract myself, i fear i give up my future,
the one i know God wants for me.
Yes, he is sovereign, and if it is meant to be it surely will,
but, i can't help but wonder, can't help but feel
if i can thwart it,
that i broke it.

What have i done,
and what have it done it for?
yes there is love but,
love like pearls
on the floor.
I keep trying to pick them up.

What can i do but try to see their luster through the dirt?
What can i do now that i have figured out what they are worth?

I had no idea how difficult that would be.
now i wonder what is illuminated by that difficulty?
what does that mean that my heart has become?
beyond my power, something extraordinary, and something scary has been done.
But, i trust you God, I will not run .