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I wish
I held a secret
affections unuttered as to
avoid the coming clutter
of our friendship
coloring pages uncolored
now, i love colors, don't get me wrong
but when i mix the hues
and they come out differently than i expect
when i aim for purple and insteead get blue
its unnerving, loss of control,
thoughts of being undeserving because i did something wrong
the entire nature of our friendship has been altered - now, i am afraid
before. . .i could hide. everything could be fine.
so long as i shut my eyes and kept mt teeth clenched tight.
i wish i hadnt told you how i felt last night. . .
especially since i wish i knew how to express my self rightly
i cant put words to these affections quite so well
i love you, but not in the way that i might love someone else
that i would feel these things for. . . i don't think i like you like that
i think my jealousy is wrapped up in my own pride
i think my affections are perfectly fine.
i dont want you to have the idea
that im falling madly in love with you
and that you have to at all change the way we are
that. . .would be the tragedy i am afraid of.
even the slightest altering of the innocent
simple, beautiful, unexplained nature of our friendship
chemicals i think.

but could have been in the beginning with la mariposa
reading a few simple words
feels much more like a piece of me crumbling
than i ever knew
was possible
i should find the bright side
love is not for me
it is for you
i am glad you are happy
I am caterpillar
teeth hungry for things that leave me behind
leaves blowing in the wind when i wish i could call them mine
pieces of the past spit out for lack of taste, lack of color,
lack of the ability to reacreate, lack of everything that i thought was underneath my name
But that will all be over soon,
please, though i am caterpillar,
call me cocoon
help me spread silk over myself
to cover over all misery i have felt
help me forget the cards that i have been dealt
help me
GIVE UP MYSELF
turn me liquid. . .
dissolve all i have left
enzymes are invited to devour my deepest desires
I am tired of not being able to fly
He laid down his riches, his kingdom, his throne,
and for mankind became a slave.
He willingly and knowingly allowed himself to be offered up as a tribute to defang and defame death. and your minuscule issues. He laid himself down to be lifted up. He fought not the fate of crucifixion, for redeeming the fate of man was his mission.Why would the ultimate goal of the only God of the universe be to redeem a creation that had defied him?Why, when betrayed, was the ultimately powerful God inclined to give up his life to recapture our affections and our fates from what our defiance necessitates?
Freedom to love freely given us
we were not meant
to be robots
we were meant
to have hearts
our hearts, became harlots
they lay down
with the unworthiest of lovers
they drowned, and drown themself,
in affairs hidden under dingy covers
love is a choice
and we messed this one up
We tore through his heart with splinters
, and though he loved us dearly, we struck a bargain with death.
Gavels smashed the nails into place.
It was a debt that would destroy love.
But love could not be destroyed
And so, after three days, with death’s sting in hand, he rose.
He was the only one able to become a thorn in death’s side.
It was for mercy,
it was for justice,
it was for love,
and it was for grace, that he became incarnate.
It was from before time, from the beginning of creation,
from the birth of man at his hands, from the moment his breath filled Adam’s lungs,
it was from then, that it began.
In creation,
it is the incarnation and the resurrection that so clearly paint a portrait of God's face,
and just how he loves man in this broken place
rescuing and redeeming it.
he is not hiding. he is here.
There is a thread of scarlet, weaved from the very moment we fell,
up until the day we shall be well,
up until the day we shall explode from the ground in unending swells
This thread from death, to life, through love, is Jesus.
He is a stamp of lipstick that seals a love letter to humanity.
Though humanity is a *****.
It is an illumination of his love for us.
The light of a lamp ever close,
when by chasing the affections of others we have attempted its escape.
It is too plain. And it is meant to be that way.
It is intended to thwart our blindness and woo us away from unworthy lovers.
It is the clearest declaration of love man has ever been exposed to.
His life, It is a portrait of Jesus, and how he loves his bride. It is God’s greatest pick up line.
So why it is that he came? He came to live, to be tortured and yes, to die..
But what is most important is this: He came for us.
restoration of us to a place of life.
the image of God within us
to its full manifestation
replaced within the proper space  
though not  finally consummated until our glorification.
It accomplished all it intended, and it intended our full resurrection
  We are resurrected unto life,
unto intimacy with God,
unto hope for a future,
unto the loss for words at his love for us.
We are resurrected unto eternal paradise with the God-man who loves us most


ANd when i hear the gavel echo
it will strike through history
ring with the sound of nails pounded into a crucifix
by weary roman hands, bloodstained, sliced by the grain of the wood and
reflect the splintered dogwood tree in his eyes
and he will smile. I will finally understand.
ANd when i hear the gavel echo
it will strike through history
ring with the sound of nails pounded into a crucifix
by weary roman hands, bloodstained, sliced by the grain of the wood and
reflect the splintered dogwood tree in his eyes
and he will smile. I will finally understand.
I could be ended
independently of any plans i have
my next moment could slip into the past
as my last breath
my next moment could become just a scratch in the crust of the earth
a resting place for my bones and teeth
a scratch that leaves a scar
i would pray that i might be missed by more than few and far
between you and i, i know
i know i am selfish
i admit that i am self absorbed
i like to masquerade as introspective
because who doesnt believe that looking inward to sort your self out
is beneficial, who doesnt think that just a little selfishness is acceptable
I am prideful, i love you for me
i do good things
because doing good makes me feel good
i hide when you most need my presence
because well, "i needed it and i just couldnt help it"
I talk about me again, even when i have already said it
i am sick, i need a medic,
i have been manic,
i am letting go of my madness
i will not find the light in it
i have found it
and turned my face to the side
faking that i couldnt tell the truth
from a lie.
How many times have you said
new creation is not just for your generation
that the remnants of peoples will become the lifeblood of your nation
how often
have you driven me to transformation
and i have tended toward apathy and stagnation
how many days
how many days have you traced the edges of my unhappiness with your eyes
hungry to trace them with your hands,
hungry to heal me when i , i am hungry to stay dead
I am done with that
How many times can i embrace the truth?
How many times can i remember that you have scars too?
How many, how many
times can i find that i dont have to jump through hoops
and still not believe
but i am done with that
how many times have i seen?
how many times have i pulled back the black sky
to thank you for the water that falls from my blind side
how many times have i smiled
simply because i saw your face peek out
in the darkest of moments
how many, how many times
have i acted like i haven't known it
it was you
How many, how many times, can i quit?
I don't want to continue.
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