Pat yourself on the back for waking up this morning,
for getting out of bed,
for taking a shower,
for combing your hair,
for brushing your teeth.

Praise yourself again for being able to complete your homework,
for packing your backpack,
for going to class and being able to pay some attention.

Commend yourself on seeing your friends,
for trying to smile and sing along to whatever song was on the radio,
for being present when you felt so far away.

Compliment yourself on being able to eat today,
for not throwing it back up because you were sick to your stomach,
for being able to tuck yourself into bed dosed with NyQuil so you'll sleep through the night.

Applaud yourself for not giving into the all consuming misery that leaves you in a heap on the floor,
gasping for breath unable to rasp out anything but "someone help me".

Congrats for choosing to start another day tomorrow.

I'm done dead to none but myself
I am lifeless holding on by a thread
that once held me together
I seep from every poor thought out paper I hand in
screaming please help the lost soul
in the corner
despair blares over the loudspeaker
and this time no one knows
to catch me when I fall
because they're too busy looking
in the other direction
this time I could slip into sleep
and never come out
of my self-induced coma
maybe I could finally be free
if my hand slipped
and those problems of mine dropped
into my mouth and down my throat
dead to all but me

I've been wrapped up in your arms
too long I fear
I'm starting to feel a little light headed
your lips will be my downfall
but I've already fallen so hard
trying to catch my breath
in your gaze
I'm afraid you'll let me crash
from this high
I'll bite my tongue against these unbashful words
until the time is right to set them free

Stop
stop
stop
stop
the blasted noise is killing my head
pounding
pounding
pounding
pounding
why won't it stop
no matter where I turn
I can't breath
in
out
inhale
exhale
choke
no don't choke
keep going
keep breathing
just a little longer
hold tight
oh so tightly
onto your sanity
don't pull the trigger
on no please don't pull the trigger
you'll regret that bullet
that finally made it all
stop
stop
stop
stop

I gave into my demons last night
oh darling I'm sorry I did
I slit my wrists and signed my name in blood
their contract of semi-consciousness
she kissed my lips that angel of death
and I cried your name with my last free breath
and with a chuckle they hurled me into oblivion
for who is to love a creature such as I
now that they've ****** my soul dry
I'm hollowed and hungry for solace
shall I sink my teeth into your flesh
for a last taste of sweet blissful innocence

My demons are tearing me apart
and I'm fumbling in the dark
I lost my light back when I forgot who I was
dropping words like bread crumbs
to lead me home to a place
where my soul lies dormant
waiting to wake up
my flesh burns with it's absence
and the presence of a rotten heart within my chest
screaming obscenities into my head
this anger boils my blood
and heats my skin
if you were to touch me I'd burn you
with sin

I'm in need of a sunshine holiday
a break from the unending rain
that makes the sidewalks slippery
because I often find myself slipping
and falling
even though I try so hard
to catch myself
I've never had balance in my life
so I guess it makes sense
to pick myself back up again
because that's easier than trying to stop yourself
in the first place
mistakes can be recovered from
and if you never fall prey
to bad decisions
how do you ever expect to learn

You know what you want deep down
there are just too many thoughts
clouding your vision
and you end up stumbling
over your choices
falling
into a state of discontented confusion
desperately grasping
at threads of coherent plans
it's all so overwhelming
when it's shoved inside your head
but if you have to write out a list
of pros and cons
it's probably not really what you wanted
anyway

Oh darling how I've missed you
your satin smile
your endless eyes
tame soul encompassing passion
but I've realized I need a wild heart
with a smiling sentiment
someone who proclaims their love
instead of whispering it into paper
someone who gives
a little more of themselves each day
for me to fall in love with
and oh how far I have fallen
but I'm learning to catch myself
so I've pushed myself away from you
toward a new start

O how far you have fallen my dear angel
O how far
stripped of your wings and grace
rubbed raw by your sinful nature
the god you held so close long ago left you
the moral pedestal you once held yourself upon
was no more
than an illusion created
by your self crafted halo
you were never an angel
just a demon in disguise

I threw my muse out a window so selfishly
I couldn't hold her any longer
I thought my heart would break
she did not fall towards earth
no not my star
she flew up
and returned to her home in the sky
my muse now warms my days from afar
though she is no longer mine
I should've known that no one person
can hold onto the sun

Dear darling I'm sorry
I wasn't all you hoped I'd be
I couldn't hold you close enough
it seems
my heart has grown cold and died waiting
to be worthy of your grace
your beauty
I feel empty as I leave your bedside
for a lonely unmarked path
I knew when I first stepped into your embrace
that I was no more than ashes
left from a previous burning passion
but I had hoped you were the fire
that could revive me

My brain beats a new tune into my skull
pounding like an alarm
telling me to get up
keep moving
always rushing from one thought to another
one place of discomfort to another
I can't breath for the matter in my lungs
coughing up limitations
and surpassing the inevitable downfall
it can be put off to a later date
when I can more fully collapse into myself
without fear of repercussions
lost moments of knowledge
needed to complete the seemly unending journey into summer light
I'm sick
but hey
nothing a little ignorance can't cure

It hits you like a bullet all of a sudden but so expectedly you think it funny you didn't figure it out sooner
the extent of my love for you
I only just realized
I should have noticed when my sun moved
from the sky to beside me
entwining fingers with shining eyes that envelope me in a warmth penetrating my chest
and lying dormant
until I need it in your absence
you've illuminated the darkness
that once consumed me
and now I just want to bask
in the very essence of you
and this epiphany

It's there just beyond my fingertips
Something so much better than this pain
Seeping through my pores
to pool on cold tile that sings of sterilization
A bottle that lies nearly empty
telling a story of a soul that is nearly done
with shinning
how can a heart that's broken beat
how can we really tell if something is alive
or just pretending to be
if a smile is sincere
or just a lovely way to say I'm sorry
for what I am
I've heard apologizes too many times to start handing them out
instead I'll just quietly scream my resignation
and sink beneath the surface of myself

can anyone really save another person I believe we are all stuck
in our own personal hells
waiting for someone to tell us
that it's ok to cry
to be weak for a second
in a world that destroys anything
as beautiful as a warped soul
so I'll bleed out my beliefs
until I run dry
waiting for my someone
who's not coming

Help me with fingernails
down my back
Because I can't seem to wake up
I'm lost in a fog of unfulfilled desires
I can't breathe without your tongue down my throat
My feet can't find where I last stood
in a place where id find you
With mused hair and a listless smile
Lovely heart on your sleeve
Can I reach out
and grab your attention
A piece of your precious time
My watch is broken
but I'm pretty sure it's past time
for you to ditch productivity
in exchange for some passion

Another night set to be stuck in your head
Where your heart stabs at your consciousness
begging for you to listen
and your mind whispers just hold
on a little longer
Until this storm passes
You've always had a hard time standing still when someone looks at you with soft eyes and open arms
It's best to run
until your chest feels tight
and your lungs fill with lost love letters
Touches can be void of affection
and feel so much better
than if they were laced
with expectations and promises
and fear
So turn over your pillow
so it's cool side presses against your skin
and pretend you're not alone tonight

I'm biting my tongue
Tasting blood
If I plug my ears
would the internal conflict stop
Digging nails in deep to lying skin
smelling of burning insecurities
If I hold on tight
to previous inhibitions
would it stop me from screaming into lost eyes
and sympathetic ears
the hardest part of being kind
is tearing yourself apart
for the sake of a smile

Sorry I can't keep up
Guess I slipped a bit earlier
Left behind covered in stardust and feelings of inadequacy
There seems to a pattern appearing
How many times can I reach for a hand that's not there to pull me
to my feet
I guess that's what growing up is about
Learning to hide those holes
in your shoes
and covering up broken bits
of thoughts you'd rather not talk about
I'd rather just jump from the tower
of expectations I've built
because I've never been good
at hiding things
but that seems to be an unavoidable part of trying to keep someone

My hands are tied in knots
To sweet slicked railings
I'm slipping
Slipping
Dig your nails in deeper
to my consciousness
So I can hold on just a little longer
Before I fall into a deep desired
chasm
So hot
it sends chills down my spine
I'm drowning in touches
Breathing in vibrations
Eyes are meant for devouring devotions
Tangled in blanket waters

Kiss my pen harder
so my words imprint deeply
upon the sheets

If you're the sun
Then I'm the moon
And I've always loved you
In some form or another
Moonlight is still sunlight
It just depends on how you look at it
And I've been turning my head sideways
Trying to see you differently
But no matter how I change
my angle
You still hang upside down
A fresh perspective
in a universe that obeys the laws
of human reasoning
You're a halo in a world of horns
You light up a room
Better than any store-bought chandelier
There is no replacement for authentic passion
Classic daring
Vintage charm
Pulling me to you like gravity
Cause if you're the sun
then I'm the moon
And I only wish to shine for you

Sometimes
I still think of you
The way you smell
The way you used to hold me
You always knew how to make me feel right at home
I don't think
You know
How I have a scar on my heart with your name on it
And a box filled with broken memories
I've tried to push
to the back of my mind
where they can collect dust
So how is it that you shine
in my head brighter than any other thought
I thought I'd stopped looking for you in crowds already
Old habits die hard I suppose
I thought I stopped listening
a long time ago
Turns out I just had my volume set on low
I can still hear your voice
through the haze that consumes
my days
Like a church bell ringing through
a sleepy town
I've never liked church
I don't know what would hurt more
If you kept knocking at my door
Asking me to let you in
For old times sake
Or if you didn't

When you said "I love you"
did you mean it
or were you just spewing senseless things
people say in the dark
You feel unreal under my fingertips
Your hips are far too perfect
to be left unscathed
so I'll cover them in bruises
and kiss your forehead
until you can feel my thoughts
of tenderness entangle in your hair
and you hear my voice in every silence
knowing I'm wordlessly  calling
your name and cursing you
for breaking my will towards anything that is you
I've figured out now what my favorite look on you is
your eyes tell me what I want to hear while your lips are busy making sure
I can't breathe
oxygen is as unnecessary as clothes
I suppose I don't mind
if you poke fun at my condition
of being hopelessly taken with you

How can you feel as unloved
as a cold winter night
without street lamps
When everyone around you
still catches your eye
and sends you a smile
wrapped in praise  
How can such a small distance
Seem as uncrossable as a pitch
dark river filled with cast away words
If I tried swimming would I drown
in all my forgotten weaknesses
I keep trying to grab the ropes
thrown to me
But I've grown tired of excuses
and promises
I just want to feel what you feel
as you grab my hand
Was that affection in your eyes
or pity
Could you smile with a bit more feeling please
I can't quite hear it in my heart

You'll never be good enough
the blade says
as it cuts the wings from my back
the ones I used to think
could make me fly
you can carve perfect in your mind
as many times as you want
but it'll never seep through your skin
To perfume the air
the aura of ease
no longer does it come from you
How can I hope to keep up
when stars fall faster than I
And they know they all know
To catch you when you stumble
I wish they would turn a blind eye
Sympathy burns like rejection
And my blade is kinder
than their eyes

I find that I am often shoving smiles into heart shaped boxes
Void of velvet bliss
that I associate with love
Happiness shouldn't feel like
bated breath
Or warm feet
on a hard wood floor
Sadness shouldn't hang around
like an umbrella protecting you
from the rain
Jealousy shouldn't feel
like a forgotten song
or maybe one you never knew well
to begin with
Anger shouldn't be the only thing
I truly feel
caught in my throat
And filling my tears
Why is it that all I ever want to do is sleep
I think my heart broke a long time ago and I'm just now realizing it
Or maybe I never had one
And I am a broken record

Sorry if I'm rude or unpleasant
I just can't breath
These whirling winds of conflict
Don't sit well on my shoulders
I don't do well under pressure
Of a blanket and hopeful eyes
Excuse me if I snap
I just have whiplash
Things never sit straight in my mind
I think I've forgotten how to be

My four leaf clover of a life
Dressed in smiles
And suspended in the warmth
Of open arms and open minds
Unending in their surprises
Wrapped in misleading boxes
But the bows give them away
Gifts that are better left appreciated
In the grace of good company

I wish I hadn't shown you
All the hidden parts of me
I wish I wouldn't of let you get so close
Close enough to hurt me
And I remember things I said
About your hair
Your eyes
Your skin
How I wanted to touch you then
But I was afraid I'd taint you with my sins
You coaxed me
through my ill-fitted mindset
Mended my wordless wings
Someone as pretty as you should smile more
But all you offer up
is closed mouth emotion
Maybe that's because your lips are locked tight
Around the words you won't say
Though they travel through your fingers
And imprint upon my skin
In misunderstood bruises
and artistic scratches
I let you carve in my mind
A new idea
I liked how it tasted
On the tip of my tongue
But now it's caught in my throat
And I'm choking

The gun that's pointed at my head
Loaded with bullets of blame
Your ammunition of self-service
I know that I'm never around
Closed doors on my doings
And clipped winged words
I know that look
Pools of discontent
And loneliness
I know I'm the cause
And I'm sorry
Guilt is the worst kind of sickness
And my finger is infected
So it is more than able to the pull the trigger
On my wasted youth

Your eyes aren't filled with
Tenderness
And you mouth doesn't match your Fingers
Your ears are filled with filters
And I don't think you can read
How could you possibly feel
the same about me
Or maybe it's me
Turning tricks in my head
That ***** with my logic
My feelings wreak havoc
Numb hearts are better left
Untouched
And broken beings
Who've been put back together
So many times they don't know
What they truly are anymore
Are better left
Alone

I'm reaching for you
But you're slipping away
Into the starlight
Of a new day
A new dawn
I must once again overcome
To survive till dusk
And dance in rays of moonlight
I'll find you there
As I always do
With drops of water on your face
And opaque hands stretched out towards me
I'll keep you in my dreams
Till the beams of light
Break you from my grasp again

The best poem I’ve ever written was for you
Or was it for me
It was filled with words of spite
And passion
Very descriptive words I might add
I must admit
You do inspire me
Like the sun inspires the flowers
To grow
Or the moon inspires wolves
To howl
I think the word wolves sounds funny when you say it
And there I go getting off topic again
Whether I’m writing for you
Or writing for me
The sky is an awful shade of blue today

Golden waves of sunlight dance in whites of eyes
Laughter rings like church bells through the air
A cool breeze ruffles the tops of the trees
The birds answer each other in chorus of notes
The children answer each other in a chorus of shouts
Happiness surrounds them like a halo
They bask in the company of each other
And their freedom
Later they have things they must do
And people they must see
But for now their worlds all their own

Dark desires as dark as river water
But unlike river water that is cold
It is warm like the sun
Warmed by passion as the sun is warmed by chemical reactions
The warmth is trapped by a blanket
A blanket that is like night
In the sense that it hides things
Things that are hidden because maybe they shouldn’t be done
Too soon to be done but driven by desire
Desire driven by need
The need of closeness opposite of a person who is claustrophobic
Opposite of space
Even though it feels like a million miles between the two hearts
Hearts that run at different paces like a cheetah and a cat
The same in root but made for different circumstances
Completely the same but so different
Different heartbeats like different rhythms
One is fast and hard and erratic like a cheetahs run
One is slow and steady and quiet as a cats tread
Two different drumbeats of two different songs
Like putting in two different ear buds playing two different songs that somehow go together
That blend to make a new tune
A tune that winds around bodies sticking to skin
Skin sticking to skin as arms are wound around waists
Like a cocoon cradling a caterpillar
When the arms are unwound a new creation will emerge
The arms having changed them so completely
Though the arms may never unwind because there is no desire for them to release
Release their captive and let them go
If their captive did go
It would come back like a moth to a flame
Locking itself in its own cell because it does not crave anywhere else as it craves this place
The captive does not wish to be released when it feels this nice to be held
In this cell of arms
Because in these arms the captive doesn’t have to be alone
The surrender of freedom for the reward of companionship

I could try to kiss the words from your lips
Coax them out with my tongue
Breath in the breath you’d use to voice them
Feel your mouth form the letters with my own
I could absorb these words without you saying them
But it’s nothing like having those words whispered in my ear
So that they travel through my head and down my spine
To settle somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach
So that it’s not a feeling
It’s a knowing

Love me
Hurt me

I’m sick
But so are you

We both love the same
Pain

Both have demons
Residing inside

Mine are from circumstance
What are yours from?

Tell me tonight
In the dark

As my skin
Touches yours

As the fire in my chest
Ignites

My pain
Your pain

Intertwined

It starts in the pit of your stomach
Then it begins to build
Expanding
Filling up every empty space inside of you
Even the ones you didn’t know you had
It swells inside of you
Until there is nowhere left for it to go
Then it bubbles over
And comes pouring out of you
And you can’t stop it
Anymore than you can stop the feeling itself
And afterwards you’re empty again
Something was destroyed in its wake
And you’re not quite sure what
And you don’t know if you like that or not
Or if you even care anymore

Stumbling over my words
And falling for the ones you don't say

I'll catch myself from falling
Any further for you
Or from you
On your pedestal in my eyes
I'll plug my ears
against your honey soaked words
For underneath that sweetness
Are soured promises
That taste of disappointment
And missed opportunities
And a little bit of want
thrown in for good taste
I can't focus with you staring at me
With your myriad mind
Your thoughts swirling
in the lakes of your eyes
Tears swirling in mine
And when they fall from my smile
into your hands of discontent
You will know how deep you stabbed
your hopeful knife into me
Just in time for my acidic blood
To burn resentment into your skin
And then I'll be gone