Over the course of the years, I have discovered many things; most bad but the occasional good things make me smile for a minute.
Although I have gained a bit, I feel like I have lost more.
I remember thinking to myself that with time everything will be clear and I won't have to cry myself to sleep anymore or fear myself when I am in a closed, vacant room.
At 14 I understood that time will be a blur and I will have no time to prepare myself.
Even so, life had to get better; I had to get better.
The future is unknown yet lovely.
In the past, I was allowed to have dreams, expectations.
Anything was possible as long as I worked hard; your dreams will not accomplish themselves, but you can work towards them.
What a plan.
What an idealistic plan.
Plausible.
Possible.
I could.
They never said I can't.
I built up a tower; It was knocked over, not everything lasts.
I have nothing to look forward to.
Routine.
Boring routine.
A blank face in the mirror, is that really me?
There is nothing, I can't console you or fix you.
I can only say, "I'm sorry I failed you."

There are moments when I let go.
My words become unhinged and I do not worry about what I say or how little I say.
I do not curl up into myself wishing to disappear.
I speak and I do not regret, time does not seem to exist anymore and I am free, I am alive, I am living, I do not fear; I truly exist.

I have an unanswered message.
Actually, not just one, the number has been growing these days.
I am the proud yet hurt owner of an empty inbox.
If I were to have a message I know it is just spam.
I never check, I stopped having hope years ago.
As friends left I knew it was futile to expect a message.
After all I became just another second thought.
In the furthest corners of the few people minds, I reign there.
But sometimes I manage to have a few seconds of glory and I receive a message.
I answer back, immediately with excitement.
I wait and I wait and I wait.
As months pass I know, it will always remain another unanswered message.

It happened again.
The coward in me prevailed again.
The strength I acted like I had doesn't actually exist, it was just another figment of my imagination.
How many times will I abandon others in order to protect myself?
I cannot stand the thought of being abandoned so I leave selfishly.
I cut all ties off first.
It starts with words without any meaning.
It then begins to turn into awkward silences that never get filled.
Days turn into weeks.
Weeks turn into months.
Years turn into where did it all go wrong?

Girls like me aren't meant to be loved, they're meant to be left alone to rot in their worthlessness.
I have never tasted the sweet saccharine of love only the bitterness of tolerance turned into hate.
I hug you then flinch away if you move towards me.
I just love the feeling of fresh fear when you're learning how to steel yourself from their passion filled blows.
It's never a dull day with girls like me.
I scream and cry so much it becomes a pitiful spectacle, dull eyes that never see the light of day as bright as before.
As I smile I hide all the hidden hatred and ***** once you leave, my claws come out and I become a green eyed monster.
Girls like me don't have friends just acquaintances that hate me a little less than the average person.
If you promise me the world I'll get selfish and yell when you don't give me the entire galaxy.
I'm so clingy I become your second skin that you scratch off because it's so bothersome.
But in exchange I keep you at an arms length and leave you guessing why my eyes are so bloodshot.
Stay far away from girls like me, because miserable girls like me just love destroying lives.

Last night, I had a dream I was in a car about to fall off the edge.
I was terrified and didn't know what to do.
Everything felt out of my hands as I sat there and waited in pained anticipation for my demise.
As the car fell I didn't fight it.
I was languid and didn't move to save my own life.
All I felt was relief.
Finally, it would be over soon.
My terror was overridden with acquiescence, I didn't ever have to face another tomorrow.
It was ending, I was ending.
The abyss swallowed me up and I accepted it with a rueful smile.
But I ended up waking up just as I felt myself falling into the oblivion.
I came to my senses and realized I was alive, another day I was here for another day.
Maybe another day to fight was just what I needed.
Tomorrow; another day is never promised.