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***** is cheap
Love is expensive
Id rather drink *****
And be alone for Christmas
I don't give 2 ***** about tomorrow or now
I don't give a **** if the sun comes out
I could give 2 ***** about certain or doubt
All I wanna do is blow my ******* brains out

Life is **** it always is
Nobody really cares who you are or where you've been
You can sit in the corner and ***** and pout
But all I wanna do is blow my ******* brains out
This is not a poem and if you take the time to even care or read this well I guess thank you.
Every morning I wake up and put a fake smile on I wear a coat of shame and guilt for the wrong I have done to others and the things I have said.
I know I am a bad man I am past that I just hate my life and most of all myself. I have contemplated suicide a few times but I am to much of a coward to go through with it yeah Im so pathetic I can't even end my own suffering. This all started when my dearest friends and family my wife and my daughter died I lost faith,hope,clear judgment, and a whole lot more.
I now sit in a motel room at 1:40 in that am telling a group of strangers my troubles thinking somebody gives a **** and the whole things feels ridiculous. I drink allot more everyday and the more I drink the worse I feel but when I try to stop it only gets worse. Everything is kinda ****** readers I guess this is hell and all of this is what I deserve in the end maybe I will die with peace but until then I will drink myself to sleep.

Good day to you all
John Yuri Yasmirakov
I can feel the morning glowing down on the window in my mind
Giving me the hope that love is something more than just a little light
Teaching me that yesterday is something that I never thought of trying
Looking in the love and the healing in the colors in her eyes

Waking to the morning wondering when love will come again
running from the traces the people and the places that I've been
Looking at her as she sits kissing her with love that never ends
Her smile is the one thing I hope and pray I'll one day see again
Hear me not
Yea I shall speak no more
No longer shall I endure my mind
The vivid pictures it paints
Defile me
I speak with clear conscious
My conclusion is contaminated
Does my death arrive soon
  People are bidding me farewell
But I have no plans to leave
Mother said forget those dreams

Hearing the music grow softer
It calms me
Smiles of yesterdays past
I can still feel the warmth of the sun on my face
Back in those times I could smile
I was free to love
And be loved
so far now it seems
I must forget those dreams

Wish
To wish for what
A kiss
Just one more moment with you
One more touch
Then I shall depart from you
so hard to let go of you
Hard to believe
I must forget my dreams
One at night While I laid sleeping
A vision came so subtly
A bird she had blue eyes and red spotted wings
She spoke In a soft voice come
I went
We flew far and as we went higher her wings spanned longer
we flew across the mountain ranges and all the hills
People below flee from her but I do not fear
We came into the clouds where a land span came
Milk flowed from the rocks
Honey poured from the caves
And on the field lay
Eight thousand flowers
Four hundred honey dues
six hundred and eighteen Lillie's
and nine hundred and seventeen roses
Their colors are
Red,Blue,Violet
There as we landed the sky had a misty golden blue touch
As if God had painted it himself  
And then at once I heard a voice saying feast
Before me a table was laid, upon it was
Three hundred loaves of bread
two hundred and fifty seven cut's of poultry
fifty seven steaks
nine hundred and eighteen bottles of wine
sourdough bread was taken from the three hundred
Cobb salad
Wild Alaska salmon nicely laid before me
A bell was then brought to me by a lady
She wore a velvet ribbon in her hair and all else of her attire was black
She said to me
Feast never alone
I rang the bell and there came
forty mill workers
twenty widdows
fifty wives with their husbands
One handmaid
Three gravediggers
And nine children
We all sat
A prayer was spoken
We began to eat but as I drank the wine I became tired
I fell to sleep
When I awoke death was around me
He said choose to come or stay
And In my words I spoke
Lest I die
I will never leave
A land of bliss I gave for this
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