5 minutes. I see you and after only 5 minutes, I think that I am in love. I watch you from across the room and well- you might be my doom.
10 minutes. I sit here watching you talk. Your laugh is like music to my sore years and your eyes are like the contacts to my blind eyes.
20 minutes. Okay I think I might be crazy. I have been sitting here for 20 minutes just watching. I watch your hands, I watch your mouth, and honestly I have absolutely nothing to complain about.
45 minutes. I could sit here for hours, just watching you read. You ordered your coffee and I am afraid you will leave. Next thing I know, you are walking over to me. “Hello Stranger”.
80 minutes. We have been talking for a while. My stalking caught you off guard. Now you see- I am not a creep. Just a guy, afraid to say hello. I know your favorite band, and the ice cream that you eat when you are sad. It is not your favorite. It is just there.
120 minutes. I can't help but stare. You say that you don't mind. There is this fire in your eyes that I cannot explain. You have been talking about a theory for 30 minutes now. The topic doesn’t interest me that much but your passion is enough to keep me invested.
180 minutes. And then you were gone. One moment you were there, the next you were gone. It stung. I thought I could stare forever. I thought we had forever.

You're gone. truly, fully, seriously, and utterly gone.
Over time, I got used to your presence.
like a parasite that you don't want to be rid of.
I gave you a chance to make it right, but it wasn't all there as it was before.
Sorry doesn't fix a broken bottle, and it cannot put my heart back in my chest.
I thought that I would miss you more than I do, and at first, I did.
I soon realized that I did not miss you. I missed the thought of you that I created in my head.
Unfortunately, no matter how much you cry and you beg the gods to give mercy to your soul, what starts must end, and all good things stop sooner.
No god nor mortal can prevent death, not the literal death of a person or creature, or the metaphorical one that happens to all of us when someone leaves.
When all else fails, you cannot expect everyone to stay. Not your boyfriend, who you said that you loved mere weeks after meeting, not your closest of friends, not your dog. everyone leaves eventually, whether it is in or out of their control. you both can't attend each others' funerals, and when all else fails, you'll end up alone.

Algebra makes me feel stupid.
Equations and inequalities,
algebra makes me feel stupid.
I could have an A in the grade book, but that doesn't mean that I understand.
lost in class, barely turned that in on time.
Algebra makes me feel stupid.
So I drift into my own world.
But at least in my world, I'm not alone.
Algebra makes me feel stupid,
it's not my teacher's fault, but my own.
The problem is, I run on academic validation, more so than food or water,
so I sink.
pretend- and make them think
make them think I know what I am doing,
but I am on the brink.
the brink of failure.
Algebra makes me feel stupid.
once gifted, now barely scraping by.
once impressive
what makes me impressive?
certainly not my ability to solve complex algebraic expressions.
is it my ability to fake it?
to only raise my hand when I know the answer?
Is it too late?
is it too late to know the answers?
too late to say I don't understand and ask questions?
Algebra makes me feel stupid.
once excelling in school, now regular.

6 months is a long time.
A long time to be "just friends" with a hint of something else.
Talking to you makes the overthinking quiet
My usually constantly moving brain stills
And for once I can’t think of what to say
But when you're gone i go back
Pick apart every word and phrase
Trying to figure out what I could say to make you stay
try to tell if you meant those sweet little nothings.
Prove to me that you did.
Prove you didn't lie.
Please.
Please
please-
pleas-
I plead.
I plead with you to end this wretched game.
I plead with you to tell me.
Tell me if all of these months have been for nothing
I am begging.
But then my knees start to bleed.
I don’t know how much longer I can kneel
waiting
Bruised with my perilous plead,
I am sick. I am sick of playing pretend.
I am sick of saying that "everything is fine"
I jump rope in between the lines.
The line between fine and lie.
Your feelings are what you call undefined
every changing. forever unrefined.
please.
6 months is a long time to lie.
a long time to repeat the same measly words
Those phrases that everyone in our generation says to avoid saying what we really mean
“What are you doing?” really means “I miss you”
“How are you?” really means that I don’t know who I am without you
over and over.
I need the truth.
actual answers.
Not the avoidant ominous lines that you have probably told 30 other people looking for something more that just friends with a little hint of something else.
I am begging.
The harsh ground digs into my palms as I lean over my thighs.
head to the floor as my tears soak the space underneath them.

I know I have to trust you,
I am just not so sure that I can.
Trust you or trust the one who cannot lie?
Trust you or my gut?
I know trust is the backbone of a relationship.
The rope that ties our hearts together is pulling thin.
The strands are made of vulnerability,
the trust and love that we put in.
I should have faith in you.
I should have no uncertainty,
no doubt you would never lie to me.
The fire of doubt- I must put it out.
I need to trust you.
Believe me, I want to.
But who do I believe, when the time has run out?

I like the taste of my own blood
I smile as it coats the roof of my mouth
bit my tongue
my words are rung
why do I always say the wrong thing?
through my veins
anxiety reins
I must appear tame
for people cannot know the truth
if I speak I will come off lame
I only have myself to blame
so I bite my tongue

Blue, the color of the ocean, mirrors the tears that streamed down my face when you said goodbye. It's the hue of the lies I told, the hidden pain that the world never saw, the ache in my heart when you expressed hatred—a sentiment I feared was true. Two years have passed, yet I'm trapped in a cycle of remembrance and regret, unable to escape the shadow of our past.

The details of our shared life—your number, your address, the places we cried—are etched in my memory. We could have avoided this heartache with the truth, but I was too immature to realize what we could have been. Your face haunts my dreams, your voice still echoes, and I'm left questioning why we lied, why I claimed to hate you. I gave you love, but it wasn't reciprocated, and that's fine. Yet, I'm burdened with the question: why didn't I just tell the truth?

I penned a final letter, a farewell, believing it would be the end. But I can't call you, even though I remember your number, because you've moved on. It seems I'm alone in this lingering pain, seeking closure I'll never find. So, I'll try to move on, to pretend, to forget this poem I never wrote. People may think me mad for clinging to this juvenile love, but despite the hatred that now mingles with my affection, I can't help it—I still love you.

Was it casual?
Our long night talks and endless flirtations.
Those talks about our futures-as if we had a clue
Things we knew that we had to do
Watching movies on a call, but wouldn't do it without you
Was it serious?
Was it serious to you?
We would talk about everything and nothing at all
My darling little boy
Cosplaying a man
Telling me to be honest about my feelings but it was just
a helpless match.
No one made me angry like you
The frustration of being the only one who seemed to give a ****
Turned out you had someone else on your mind.
Someone who I shared eyes and genes
I don't think you feel the same.
Tell me that I am wrong
Tell me that I am mistaken
Give me a reason to believe you
Give me a reason not to leave you.
Tell me that you listened to me
Tell me that you respected he who I held dear
Tell me that you wouldn't lie to me
Tell me that you wouldn’t leave me here
Tell me that I didn’t defend you for nothing
Tell me that my friends weren’t right
Tell me it wasn’t casual
Or I have to leave tonight.

I don't think I deserve you.
that is my honest truth.
what we have, it is more than I ever bargained for
I am not complaining. I just don't know what to do.
I ******* in love with you.

I don't like anyone, especially you.
Some till up up in the clouds, next to you.
My eyes avert you, down on my knees
Drink till I ache, ditsy-stole
knock on the red door
I don't even like you,
against the wall
I kiss you until our lips are bruised
No-"take a shot"
"Just one more"
Isn't that what you came here for?
I see a face in the window
Stranger in the mirror
it is just a cig
drunk dance on the roof-
with you.
I thought I didn't like you
you're on my
your body sinks around mine:
places it doesn't belong.
I wish I didn't like it.
I wish it wasn't you.

It's insane how much has changed.
From never talking-
to talking every single day.
I am more attached to you than I am my phone
My 2 addictions combined
Infused with my blood
It is a good thing that you would never lie, right?
My heart has stopped.
Frozen in it’s tracks
When I am down in the dirt, it is your hand that pulls me back
The hand is made of arsenic, little did I know
Slowly poisoning me, while I beg you not to let go
You’re my 2nd addiction.
The only other thing I couldn’t live without
The weight of my phone in my pocket and the weight on my chest when you are away.
I want to break the glass prison that you hide in,
The one that surrounds your heart.
The shards from the glass would shed my skin and I would keep the blood in a bottle,
One that I would keep on your altar while I pray at my knees.
I would use my hair as a rope, one forever attached,
I would tie it around your heart so that you could never leave me again
I would use my tears to boil my eyes so no one would ever question if i have eyes for anyone else
My skin as the carpet of the room I furnish for you with my bone.
But now there is nothing left of me.
Just the pieces I gave to you.
The ones I hoped you would treasure
But you really dyed them blue.
You took the parts of me that I let your arsenic hands touch,
You boiled them blue until I was exactly the kind you liked
You left me there,
Blue on the corner-
Begging you not to drive away.
Not to let a stranger pick up the pieces that you tossed in the waste
Those letters and poems, i filled my notebooks for you
I would have written until my fingers fell from my hands.
One-By-One. Use them as fuel for a fire to keep you warm.
Pick my nails until they bleed.
My blood, all for you.
I would let you drink my soul
And chew on my bones
My heart was left dry-
Thrown out with your junk
Left to rot and cry
I thought we were tied.
Mine heart to yours
But you cut my hair and used it to climb the wall
The one of the room I built and furnished with my bones.
You used my hair and my veins as means for escape
To get away from all I gave away
Now I burn.
My exposed muscle and organs
They ****** for oxygen
But I could only get my oxygen from you.

In an endless loop of arguments
A game that neither of us ever win
A house built on a sandy foundation
Loose lies must come out in the end.
Knuckles and ****** knuckles
Tears in muddy puddles
Smiling to our friends and showing each other our teeth
I am sick of the battles.
The war the we won’t ever win
Land that we still have to conquer
But to conquer you must ****
It seems easy enough.
Just stay off of each others land.
Turn your noses to the secrets,
And keep the peace
Well peace is a trojan horse
A horse made of wood.
Well wood is flammable.
And the truth will spell out in the smoke.
It is never that easy to just pretend that nothing is wrong.
Guilt is a dangerous game
And you will never let me in
Deflecting our points
Pretending to ****
An endless battle in the war that neither of us will win.
A wheel with a broken pedal.
We know where to go but won’t
Because all that is left for us,
Is to wave and let the white flag win
Maybe escape is all that is left.
The only chance that either of us can survive.
Your favorite escape.
To hide from the inevitable win.
When the reaper knocks on our door,
We know what we have to do.
Bid our goodbyes,
And hope to see each other in the afterlife.
I try to say goodbye but your silence is deafening.
It carves into my mind.
Blood seeps into my brain.
I am out.

You are worth more to me than your weight in gold.

It is like every "flaw" that you see in yourself is actually just another reason that I feel the way I do about you

The most prominent art in the world could not compare to that of your smile and I feel extremely lucky every day to have you in my life.

I don't think I could go a day without your good morning texts. You are ingrained into me in a way my best friend would scold me for

******* hell you are my favorite person that this world has to offer

I am grateful everyday to have you in my life and your perfection outshines that of all the stars in the sky

If eyes are the window to the soul, it makes since that yours are as beautiful as they are. Your eyes are like the ocean, not to be confused with the bright blue hue of the one in cartoons. Your eyes remind me of the color of the Pacific, carrying life and the intensity of the crushing waves. If eyes are truly the window to the soul then I know yours is one of a kind.

Hello.
Don't
Be
Afraid.
It
Will
Be
okay.
I know this for a fact.
My
logic
is
a
little
bit
cracked.
I
Promise.
I won't leave you.
No side of you could push me away.
No truth.
No fact.
You
Are
Stuck
With
Me.
unless you push me away

I saved you as my lock screen.
I know you would cringe if you knew.
I just wanted, every time I opened my phone- to be reminded of you.
My 2 addictions, now combined.
Maybe the boomers were right: it might be those "**** phones"
I only ever seem to cry when my eyes lock on the screen.
Like when you threatened to leave.
Words cannot describe how afraid I was,
You bring out a different part of me, a part that I can not believe.
I was mad. More anger flowed from me than words on the screen.
You have done no wrong.
All tears I have split have been a fault of my own.
I broke down at 4am. I thought that I would lose you.
my eyes blinded by the light- brighter in the night.
those ****** phones.

Down on my knees seems like the only place that you want me to be-
because when I get up close,  you can't seem to breathe-
up in your face, your voice laced with distaste-
luck a bug under your shoe-
or a tie in your lace-
When I open my mouth you distract it-
keep me focused on only what you like-
if I wonder to close
I might lose my head.
Cheater in my bed
I am losing my-
keep me on the  ground
but the clouds seem so nice-
tell me it's not true
not him. not you.
give me a reason to  stay
or I have to go,
Don't expect me to stay if you want me on my knees.
I need you to be able to breathe,
To let the lies flow out like the tears on my cheeks
I can’t stand the sound of distaste,
The sound of you begging me to stay.
Squash those doubts that you know very well are justified.
Unravel every part of me that still trusts you.
Shut my mouth, but this time you use tape.
Close my eyes, then make me blind.
My neck in a guillotine
Oblivious, just the way you like me.
Face on gravel
Now I know what you have done.
Soul in the clouds,
No way back down.
No way back-
No way out.
Tell me it’s not true.
Tell me that's not my body 3 feet away.
Tell me that it wasn’t you.
My ignorance, it was bliss but now I can’t feel below my neck.
Wait-
Not my neck-

my mama is not the women who made me'
my mama is the women who raised me
the one who taught me kindness, and patience
the one who taught me boundaries
and late night movies,
drinking coffee at 6 in the morning
on my way to a tournament
the one who always came to support me
the one who I replied on
the one I call mom
she may not have literally made me,
but  I like to think that she is the one who made me, me

Why oh why do I do this to myself?
I cry I cry but I have only myself to blame,
Who will fan the flames of the attachment I carry when I lose hope?
Nope oh nope. Not this time.
I say that line but it is a lie
I get obsessed for months it is like a cycle
I combust
Flowers, cards, holding hands,
Do I appear desperate?
Like sand in between my hands when i stand' we fall out
I get obsessed and then I call out
I don’t want to scare you off
And when I ask if I annoy you, you just scoff
I self sabotage everything good
And that really hurts because you are the best
There is no use explaining the rest.
It is the self sabotage cycle,
Ask all my exes
In the beginning I could have run a mile to find you
Five months later and all I do it dive
I dive away from your clutch and I hide away from your loving touch
I turn you away but at first I used you as a crutch
I couldn't help but leaving even though I love you so very much
I turn off my heart
This is the part where I leave.
I stop being me and I can't help but climb the tallest tree just so I can avoid all the debris I caused.
It is my self sabotage cycle like all things it goes on for miles
No wonder I am all alone
Sticks and rocks may break my bones but it is me who hurts my soul
All this leaving, god it takes a toll
My mental health and self love- well it ceases to exist.
Because now I can’t help but miss,
You.
I don't even recognise the person in the mirror.
I wish I didn’t want to always be near  you
But I can't help myself this is just what I do
God, I wish I didn’t have to love you like I do.
But now I have to go and find somebody new.
And I have only myself to blame.
I just want to end this never ending game
This self sabotaging cycle will make me meet my maker
When I am with you I always feel safer.
Until I don’t.
I am stuck in a place of survival and I don't even notice that I enter my self sabotaging cycle.

I want...
Well-
It's just-
like...
Oh, give me some decency.
Don't tell me to tell you what I want when you won't even tell me how you feel.
Don't expect me to do all of the lifting, it is both of our responsibilities.
Don't let this fall on me, to tell you what I think when you won't even tell me what you did.
Don't tell me to tell you what to do when you won't show me who you are.
Because-
Because when all else fails, I can't know what I want without knowing how you feel.
I can't know what I think without knowing what you did.
And I can't know what the hell I am supposed to do because I don't even know who you are.
So do not put the blame on me, for begging for answers and in my confusion- assuming the worst.
Don't give me the responsibility of picking up the mess that WE made.
Give me some decency
so I can spare what's left of my dignity.
Give me a chance at a relationship built on honesty,
Don’t cosplay as an honest man when you won’t be honest to me.
Please.
Spare my dignity. Give me some decency.
Don't tell me to tell you what I want.
Don't tell me to tell you what I think.
Don’t tell me to tell you what to do.
I don't know what you feel, I don't know what I want.
I don’t know what I think, I don’t know what you did.
I don’t know what we are meant to do because I don't even know who you are.
My name is no professor x, I can’t read minds and I can’t read hearts.
Please.
If you won’t tell me what you feel, If you won’t tell me what you did, and if you won’t even show me what kind of person you are, don’t expect me to know.
Spare me the blood,
Spare me the sweat.
I won’t waste another night begging to be told what you feel, what you did, or who you are.
I am done.
I am taking what is left of my dignity and I will be on my way.
Because you’re not good for me.
These guessing games are not good for me.
The burden of having to read your mind and then tell you mine has become too much to bear.
So I am gone.
You have driven me away.
And now maybe you will take away some of that responsibility.
Because it is not my burden that you drove me away.
It is not my problem that I gave you every chance and you refused to take it.
Instead, you took the cowards way. You lied, you hid, and when the **** inevitably hit the fan, you tried to run- and then you expected me to stay.
It is too late now.
I don’t want to know that you miss me.
I don’t want you to tell me why you did what you did.
And I don’t want your excuses telling me you are just misunderstood.
I took my dignity, and now I am gone.

"don't worry, he isn't even my type". yeah, it's not like my knees get weak when I see you and my heart races when you are near, my heart definitely doesn't stop beating when you say my name, like how the voices in my head won't stop and honestly I don't think I want them to. I never want to shut you up when you talk **** about yourself with a kiss, and I never write and delete a 3 paragraph confession. But here is a little secret, I do. My knees do get weak, my heart races and stops, I want to shut you up with a kiss, and I definitely write you a 3-page confession you will never know because you love someone else and that is okay. Even though it hurts all I want and all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy.

do you feel regret?
regret for your vote?
Do you feel remorse?
realizing you're a minority too?
we stole this land, now the original inhibitors are in camps.
this country is built on the blood soaked ground of natives,
and was created on the backs of immigrants,
but suddenly you decide that they are the problem.
the kids are dying
guns are in schools and going to the hospital bankrupts people.
we've got a felon in the office and people dying on the streets.
eggs are $6 a dozen and people can't afford to eat.
Big pharma is getting richer while diabetic people die every week because they can't afford insulin.
are you just now realizing what him as president really means?
our military might be strong but our people are feeling weak
ICE is in schools but pedophiles and rapists walk free,
Billionaires get richer but life gets harder for you and me.

profits over people is there game

it’s a shame.

they care so much about “killing babies”

but refuse to provide life saving medical care because it isn’t profitable.

“The best country on the earth”

“the most freedoms”

“the land of the free”

without the right to be alive

Why cant this country see the importance of keeping it’s people alive?

just another stat

just another name.

but the right to carry a gun and pay less taxes really isn’t worth that much without the right to be alive

You may think that your scars are healed, dormit. Well contrary to popular belief they aren't. Scars need constant rejuvenation to stay sealed and keep you from bleeding out. I know this because today my scars opened. The scar you left without another word or another look in my direction. I thought it healed. I heard your ****** name and the stitches I made unfurled. I take out my needle and my thread, and is it pierces my moisturized skin I curse myself for allowing this to happen. I curse your name for breaching my secured mind. The sanity I glued back together shatters at the very sound of your
voice. I thought that I was okay but after all that effort to forget and the red door that holds my memories of you away, away from my consciousness and away from the world, breaks. Like a dam too full or a kidney working to exhaustion. The cut that always bleeds. So ******* and your perfect face. ******* and your soothing voice. ******* and the memories we have. Do I miss you? Would you care? I hate you for what you did and I love you for what you didn't.

I want someone to love me like no one else can.
The kind of love that haters can't stand.
I want someone to prove that I a deserve that kind of love.
The kind of love that makes me rethink my self hate.

do you think that it is a date?
is it too late to clarify?
is it too late to take?
to take back the words I always would say?
do you think that it is a date?
watch horror movies over call?
Is it too late,
to tell you that I don't like horror?
did you take that the wrong way?
not in movies, not on dates
I don't like horror
I meant it as a date
I regret it
but it is too late

I am starting to think that you don't like me.
you my like talking, but you never seem to want to see me.
well, unless you are talking about the ***** things that you want to do.
you didn't seem into me, until we brought up ***.
it's not like it is hard for you to get laid.
did I pressure you, without meaning to?
are you lying because you felt pressured to?
please just tell me the truth.
am I overthinking this?
you seem to trust me.
you seem to care.
I know I am not the center of your affections.
But, what if it has all been a lie?
No- It can't be.
I'm supposed to trust you, right?
how am I supposed to?
3 weeks.
My brother.
Rose.
I am *******. But what if my fears hold no truth?
But,
what if they do?

My skin, It doesn’t fit right over my bones
Why, why do I always feel alone?
Even in a crowded room
Or with my friends, they assume I am just quiet.
I used to be loud, now I just hide
I used to look up at the sky in amazement
Now I look up and wonder when the innocence ended.
I thought that when I was older I would be mended
I guess not. Cause here I am today, and nothing at all has changed.
What happened to the pretty flowers and the bright blue skies?
A house cannot be built on sand and a family can't stand on lies.
I guess I was too young but now I know.
The people i thought to be so close
They hold nothing but disdain.
I think i'm starting to feel faint.
I know that i am no saint but growing up well growing up is nothing but pain
It is like a giant stain on my back but the stain is my own blood that soaks the knife that you hold.
It is a story that has yet to be told.
The way you sold my love like an old rusting truck.
God you ****.
Why am I like this? Why was I so trusting?
I let you in, I let you in my home and now you have left me in this house all alone.
I can't make my skin fit over my bones but what i can do is i can throw the stones.
I learned from the best.
Change is the best revenge.

I fell for it.
I fell for the pretty words
I fell for the pretend interest and the untrue wishes
But mixed signals is a system of control and commitment is your fear.
You put on a disguise to hide the part of you that you don't like.
You think that I want to fix you but there isn't anything to fix.
You aren't "broken" or "messed up".
You just didn't like me that much

“Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb”
something that I will tell my future daughter
family is good
but friends choose you
your family has to stick around
your friends choose to
when everything goes to hell,
your friends are the ones who cope with losing you
when all else fails,
your friends are the ones who stood by you
your family might be one in the same blood
but your friends know your stories,
your friends know your soul,
they are the ones who will never go.