My frustrations are lost to me,
I don’t speak them for fear that they will be heard,
By someone, anyone, enemy or friend.

That they would take my ranting as discontent,
There’s no reconciliation for that.

I seem to be screaming into silence,
Or was the silence my voice.

My hell, my reality.
My happiness, my void.

-Marie

I’ve never had such a struggle for words,
As I’ve had since I chose to speak out.
The silence has become almost my prison
Forced upon me, until I no longer know
What it is like to speak at all.

Sitting alone I have no idea where to start,
So repeatedly and regrettably I do the only thing that I know.
Allowing once again for the silence to embrace me.
To draw me in to a place where
Words mean pain, fear, and memories.

Thoughts that I no longer wish to remember.
I realize that I’ve remembered all that I know,
Without exception.
I’ve come to accept my silent defense,
Unwilling to feel the pain of anything.
But one question still remains:

Where do I go from here?

-Marie
02/08/2007

Tonight I don’t understand it,
I feel like I’m going insane.
Half of me is dying to be up there singing,
And the rest wants me to run in shame.
To hang my head in silence, and never sing again.

What is it that I’m losing?
My grip on reality?
In thinking that this God thing is nothing
But a pyramid, a scam, or a scheme.

Don’t I have a right to be angry?
If God gave me the emotion after all?
Then why do people constantly tell me
To shut up and suffer in silence, I’m appalled!

God seems nothing more to me.
Than a mean boy with a magnifying glass.
Pulling my legs off, smoldering my wings,
And leaving my dreams smoking piles of ash.

Everything I’ve known of God,
None of it’s coming through.
My car’s still broken, my body still hurts,
And my mind is still in turmoil over you!

I can’t seem to find myself
Somewhere amidst all of the shame.
If dying altogether is gain, then **** me!
Release me from my pain!
The bible, I don’t want it.
It no longer makes any sense.
The words are ancient and forgotten,
And they didn’t help me then.

Then, the night when I walked through hell,
And screamed into His deaf ears for help.
He disregarded me as if I were nothing,
Insignificant, unworthy of his effort or attention.

If I am in fact a princess,
A daughter of the most-high God.
Why didn’t he care enough to help me?
When I needed my Father the most.

My stomach twists into knots,
***** stings at my throat.
To know that such an omnipotent God,
Fell short, didn’t grab the rope, my lifeline and my hope.

God you have my best interest on Your heart,
You care like that, is that right?
Then where in heaven were You?
And God where are You now?

-Marie
06/08/2005

There are so many voices crowding me;
Overpowering the only lone voice which I truly wish to hear.

Standing in the midst of these voices,
I beg for silence.
That place where I can find peace.
But even after every sound is gone,
His whisper is fading still,
Leaving me poured out and unfulfilled.

Weeping I collapse, begging for his return
But all around me darkness closes in.
Leaving me with no choice but to allow it to win.

-Marie
01/29/2007

You read me like a your favorite book
Its pages though faded and torn,
Their creases familiar to the touch of your fingers
Its cover over time scuffed and worn.

But to you these marks as rather than flaws
Badges which have been dutifully earned
By the steady attention of your hands
My every habit or pattern you’ve learned.

Even when I feel as though you’re not watching
Your gaze is steadily on me,
Allowing me to socialize independently
While keeping me within the safety of your reach
With the ability to reach in and rescue me
Should ever the situation arise.

You pick me up as one does their favorite book,
With loving care in their touch,
Being mindful of those scars which have left their mark
Leaving be those places tender to me
And those you handle even more gingerly
Helping me to see, that I can trust your touch.

You read me like your favorite book,
Carefully studying my stories,
Reading deeply into the words,
Understanding my failures and glories.
But even as I fear you will
You never judge me, even still
You hold me tightly and kiss me until
I believe I’m still your favorite story.

And even as you read me again,
Same conversation, just a different day
You remind me in several different ways
That you treasure and protect me,
Very much in the same ways,
That one treats their favorite book.

Gracie
07/16/2015

There it was, I saw it
That silent flash of doubt.
I know you believe it (or me)
And again I’m left without,
Having been poured out.

Drained I’m searching desperately
Grasping at my sanity,
Watching ever so silently
For someone who understands.

You cannot smell the stench of their flesh,
You cannot feel the pain.
That sinking feeling, deep in your gut.
When you know they won’t show restraint.

To know that they’re feeling pleasure,
While you’re feeling pain,
To know that they must have planned this so well,
So that you couldn’t see their face.

My stomach twist in knots
Because I know somehow, someday.
We’ll cross paths again,
And not knowing I’ll walk away.
Then deep within you’ll know
That I don’t know your face.

Even after all that’s been,
I know that it’s still not over,
And beaten I give in
You win, You WIN.