Mistaken, that is what I am.
Too much time spent searching without explanation,
Seeking refuge and comfort from the place where I was taken.

For even as the images they are flood my mind,
In the darkness of my own self-taught solitude
The reality of their truths cut deep into my spirit.
Until I find no use for myself, but to, to what?

Even now my mind searches for a resolution, an end,
Though my soul knows no end will be found.
My time is not near to find rest.

In my anger I thrash out, scratching and screaming
At an all but forgotten enemy.
Only to know that he can neither hear nor feel me.
And that I am reminded daily
Of a night that they have surely forgotten.

-Marie
09/06/2006

God my heart is weak,
I’m trying not to lose it.
I want to believe you’ll provide for me
But my heart is screaming, “Prove it!”
I have apparently been forgiven,
Washed all anew is that right?
Then how is it that I’m marred by my past,
Stuck with a job that in the end will not last?

I’m a little bit past angry,
Your timing really *****
How am I to pay for this wedding?
Or am I just **** out of luck?

Okay, mighty Provider,
Here it comes now, Your cue.
I have no job, my car is a wreck
And my fiancé is stressed out too.

You say not to be anxious,
But to pray about it all.
How can I trust You to catch me now,
When You’ve turned away, letting me fall.

Is it so wrong of me to trust You?
Because somehow I’m getting that vibe.
Should I simply be giving up?
Because with You I am denied.

-Marie

I throw my hands up in frustration.
My tears still streaming from our last conversation.

Although on paper, her words still stung,
Now I sit in defeat, my head still hung.

Her letter for the very next day,
Would bring forth what is left to say.
Thoughts of love and words of hate,
Oh why do we have to fight?

Hers is the boyfriend over which we fight,
But not over any mistaken night.

It is the hour of coveted time,
Those seconds and minutes and days sublime.

One of us, either me or him,
Will find our calendar emptily dim.

No more Friday nights continuously going,
On and on and always knowing,
That your best friend’s time is always free
For trips to the mall and cups of iced coffee.

But now I must know that I have to let go,
And she will choose as she pleases,
Under God, and of grace, and plenty of sneezes.

Sooner or later, she will return.
With more knowledge which she will have learned,
And I will be justified to grin,
Grateful to have once again,
My best friend.

These are the words I am afraid to speak,
For fear that someone will hear them.
I’m angry past the point of tears,
But there is no outlet to scream here.

I’ve cried so many tears that I could drown,
But instead of moving up, I’m falling down
Am I wrong, feeling all of this now?
How does this all make sense?

Shaking I put my pen to the paper,
Unsure still of the words to write.
My heart can’t hold back the words,
But to my mind they all seem so trite.

I fell that I’m all but normal,
Because this blocking wall is so high.
On the outside I can make it look alright,
But on the inside I want to die.

All because of the weight of this shame,
I can’t even look into your eyes.
I am ashamed of my own ignorance
My stupidity almost cost me my life.
I pause re-read that statement again,
Maybe I did give up my life.

Re-read it again,
Now I finally understand the emptiness of that night.
On the inside, I died.
-Marie
09/06/2006

What is it about me?
Could it be that I’m wearing a sign?
Telling others that I’d prefer to be
a fixture for them who’s temporary
to completely waste my time.

I’m beginning to see a pattern
One that I cannot seem to break.
Although I’m unsure how the whole thing started
It seems as if I’m doomed to restart it
Only to be left broken hearted
Wondering what I’d done wrong.

If only someone would tell me
What it is that I’ve done
I promise I won’t react defensively
Understanding the gravity
Of what your courtesy extends.

It would help me to end this war
This struggle to find an end.
To finally obtain that priceless reward,
The Daddy who will help me to mend.

Last night I had a dream,
That seemed so unfair.
Dancing with my daddy,
When I seemingly had no cares.

Suddenly my daddy’s disappeared,
I search for him desperately.
Unwilling to stop searching,
Exhausted I fall to my knees.

With no more strength left to give,
My body is wracked with sobs.
When I realize my daddy is no longer here.
I feel as though I’ve been robbed.

When I look up and learn,
That I’ve always been alone.
My daddy walked away long ago.,
Leaving me here to pretend.

Although I may wish things were different.
They will remain unchanged.
I cry and scream and fight off depression.

But I won’t because I’ve grown up now,
Finally believing that I am immune to that childhood pain.
-Marie
11/14/2006