God my heart is weak,
I’m trying not to lose it.
I want to believe you’ll provide for me
But my heart is screaming, “Prove it!”
I have apparently been forgiven,
Washed all anew is that right?
Then how is it that I’m marred by my past,
Stuck with a job that in the end will not last?

I’m a little bit past angry,
Your timing really *****
How am I to pay for this wedding?
Or am I just **** out of luck?

Okay, mighty Provider,
Here it comes now, Your cue.
I have no job, my car is a wreck
And my fiancé is stressed out too.

You say not to be anxious,
But to pray about it all.
How can I trust You to catch me now,
When You’ve turned away, letting me fall.

Is it so wrong of me to trust You?
Because somehow I’m getting that vibe.
Should I simply be giving up?
Because with You I am denied.

-Marie

Darkness I see,
Only rarely do small specks of light
Offer release from my beloved darkness.

But only one thought passes through this space,
And in this time and place I am angry.

No, not angry, I am afraid.
A fear only masked by rage.

Stepping into my daily routines,
I slide comfortably into that mask.

Living my life behind it,
As if I could find no way around it.

And although those around me know I’m hiding,
Their comfort is founded in feigning ingnorance;

Ignoring it in order to avoid the awkward silences and situations.
Seemingly as if it would go away.

Again I am left in the silence of my space,
Where in it all I see…
Is darkness.

-Marie
06/29/2006

Last night I had a dream,
That seemed so unfair.
Dancing with my daddy,
When I seemingly had no cares.

Suddenly my daddy’s disappeared,
I search for him desperately.
Unwilling to stop searching,
Exhausted I fall to my knees.

With no more strength left to give,
My body is wracked with sobs.
When I realize my daddy is no longer here.
I feel as though I’ve been robbed.

When I look up and learn,
That I’ve always been alone.
My daddy walked away long ago.,
Leaving me here to pretend.

Although I may wish things were different.
They will remain unchanged.
I cry and scream and fight off depression.

But I won’t because I’ve grown up now,
Finally believing that I am immune to that childhood pain.
-Marie
11/14/2006

In the silence of my mind,
A lone voice echoes there.
Seemingly softer than I can hear,
Yet louder than I can bear.

I begin to question my calling,
Standing at the fork in my path;
The destination of either one I cannot see.
Music wafts from the path on to my right,
But I’m drawn toward the one on the left.

Did I hear you correctly God?
Did I know you at all?
Somehow did I build my own path,
Or maybe somehow did I stray?

I feel comfort in people
But silence is my refuge.
I lose myself in the words of others
Yet I don’t hear them at all.

Now don’t think that I’m not happy,
In the place which I’ve found myself.
Each day is a new joy
Each breath, strength not to stray.
-Marie

As music wafts softly through the room
I should be able to find peace.
But instead all that I find is an awkward hunger?

I hear an invitation from my memory
And though my hand strays for my phone,
I am held back by my fears of inadequacy.

I long for some amount of comfort
A human voice with some familiarity
Although this is such an awkward time
Who can I call?

Although it’s redundant to write,
I find myself alone.
Seeking some sort of peace in this night,
I feel as though my soul is broken.

But there is no one here to hear my plight.
I beg for someone to hear me,
Anyone, please take me from this nightly fear.

-Marie

I throw my hands up in frustration.
My tears still streaming from our last conversation.

Although on paper, her words still stung,
Now I sit in defeat, my head still hung.

Her letter for the very next day,
Would bring forth what is left to say.
Thoughts of love and words of hate,
Oh why do we have to fight?

Hers is the boyfriend over which we fight,
But not over any mistaken night.

It is the hour of coveted time,
Those seconds and minutes and days sublime.

One of us, either me or him,
Will find our calendar emptily dim.

No more Friday nights continuously going,
On and on and always knowing,
That your best friend’s time is always free
For trips to the mall and cups of iced coffee.

But now I must know that I have to let go,
And she will choose as she pleases,
Under God, and of grace, and plenty of sneezes.

Sooner or later, she will return.
With more knowledge which she will have learned,
And I will be justified to grin,
Grateful to have once again,
My best friend.