He is something else. Something beautiful. Something clean. Something that shines with uniquity.

If you listen in the silence, you'll hear God roar

I think I'd rather fall in love with someplace than someone.

And why might I be willing to compromise and sacrifice the mere moments of worldly fun?
She looks to the heavens for he up above loves her and gives her in one breath than any messed up, inconceivable, perfectly destruction man ever could.
She does not need them,
She needs her one true love.
The one who will truly love her more than she can imagine.
The kind of love one might search a lifetime for, she already has it.

Tonight I'm feeling the electricity coming back on.
Maybe its a that thing they call a crush but for some reason I wish your presence was here.
I miss you.
I want to be around you and I'm tired of pretending for the sake of what they think is best for him.
What about what I want?
I want my life to be made up of small amazing moments.
1,000,000 of them.
Maybe I want to experience some of them with him.
So what.
I want to experience something new to know what else is out there.
He's cute, adorable, and innocent.
I can tell him my dreams and epiphanies on life and he wants to know where he can get his own.
He wants to understand why I am the way I am, and that's all I ever wanted.
Someone to like the real me.
Someone to wonder about me.

I've reached this point where I am about to sound overly dramatic, but it feels real.
It feels as if I've lost my heart.
My ability to love someone with it again wholely.
He stole it and sadly still has it.
Do I love him still?
I don't know.
For what do I love about him?
Nothing.
Did I love the memories?
The most frustrating part is trying to figure out why you're still haunting my tired intelligence.
I do not think it is love.
I think it might be many things.
Regret.
Pain.
Pride.
Overthinking.
I honestly have no thought as to why.
I just know I want you gone.
I do not want to meet again.
I do not want to know you.
I want to know this pain only as a stranger to my past.
I cannot handle your ghost anymore.

The girl that loves too much is the same girl who wonders when she will be happy again like she was when she was loved.
The girl who feels so alone now that he isn't here and up and left taking all the warmth of her heart.
The girl who wonders when she will be herself again and be able to love.
Wondering when she wont be broken anymore.

To everyone who thinks they have a say in my life, I'd be lying if I told him I didn't have feelings for him.

It's becoming more apparent that you are never coming back.
Each day increasingly playing out more of our story in memories.
I'm surrounded by dates and places where we encountered heaven.
Today was the day, where I so stupidly gave away my heart to you.
It feels like yesterday when we walked across the bridge to Narnia and swam with the mermaids in Neverland.
Remember how you agreed to come there with me?
I pleaded with you, 'darling please come with me to Neverland, where we never have to face ostrossity'
Here we are now with 2000 miles between us anyway, never encountering you again other than my haunting recollection.

Tonight I am restless.
Restlessly hopeful.
It's been gone for a while now.
Time heals my friends.
Pure happiness is no longer something I'm running towards, for I have found it right here in front of me.
I want love.
I have pure true innocent friendship and man that feel so lovely.

Restless for adventure.
For seeing new things with the people I love so deeply.
For heart pounding, thrilling, cannot stop smiling moments in this time.
I desire the time of my life with the people of my life.

Please do me a kindness and cease stalking my dream world.

"You are a light of the world. A town on a hill cannot be hidden. In the same way let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven"

Drunken thoughts.
Not too late at night but just when the party starts.
I'm reminded of how much I used to be in love.
But this saddens me.
I know now that it was partially a sham.
False hopes and dreams were hidden in the silence you never spoke of.
Fantasies of what this future would be like with you by my side, but all I see is the ghost of you in my memories.
You guys don't understand how longingly wrenching it is to realize you never had the same intentions and dreams as I.
That you never spoke of your dreams because you knew they would break my heart.
Here we are, me wondering if things were as passionate for you as they were for me.
If all those sayings, words, and feelings, were just spoken to give you something before you actually left.
If I was kept around to be strung out until the end giving you everything you knew I would have.
I was so in love with you.
You knew it too.
You knew I would have stayed by your side until you told me to leave.
That even if I had known the truth of your unwanting, I still would have loved you with the darkened heart I owned.
Turned dark for you.
Left as the one who was emotionally attached by love for you.
You left as the one physically attached to me, body langauge proving to be the only thing you miss.
Maybe you miss my smile, maybe you miss my beauty.
Maybe you miss the ***.
But I miss the emotional attachment of my once best friend.
The one who talked about my dreams with me.
The one who held me as I cried about losing you.
The one who told me to look to our star when I feared of never seeing you again.
But not once did you understand what you were putting me through.
You left and I doubt you ever felt bad about leaving me.
Because I could never do that to you and then cut you out of my life like it was nothing.
Maybe I still love you.

For those of you who know my writing, you know it has been dark the entire last year.
What I am about to express here is the light that has illuminated through my life.
I am a Chritstian.
That sentence alone probably just turned half the world away, but please keep reading.
A lot of people in this scary and dark world have the completely wrong idea about what it is to be a Christian.
If you are a Christian or if you are the farthest thing, I need to explain something to you.
Please don't let the darkness overwhelm you, there is light.
The world grasps Christians as the largest group of hypocritical, judgemental people that exists.
I want to tell you what I think Christianity is.
Christianity is not a religion.
It is a relationship with Jesus as your best friend, Lord, Savior, and even Father.
Being a Christian is not about following rules or what you even do at all.
It is about where your heart is.
If you are hurt, broken, guilty, prideful, arrogent, loving, kind, or even downright a terrible person,
let me tell you something.
IT DOES NOT MATTER.
God still loves you more than anything in this world above or below.
Even if you think you are the **** of the planet, God still loves you as much as the most beautiful and kind hearted person on this earth.
Even as much as Moses himself.
Nothing you can do friends will ever separate you from the love of God.
He thinks you are the most beautiful thing He has ever created.
You are His pride and joy.
So, now that you know God loves you no matter what you will ever do or ever did let me tell you why he loves you.
God loves you so much that he sent his only son Jesus down to the earth from Heaven to let humans sacrifice his perfect son for all of us horrible sinning humans so that we can be forgiven.
Without this beautiful sacrifice no human could ever be good enough to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but Jesus became the bridge and because of his death and resurrection on the third day, we can one day walk across the bridge to be with God.
Friends YOU are forgiven.
You are forgiven through Jesus' blood and can now have a relationship with God and receive all the benefits of walking with God through this trialsome life.
I plead with you to let your aching hearts find rest in the love of God.
Believe that His son Jesus did in fact died for your sins on the cross and repent from your wicked ways.
Through believing you can bask in the golden sunlight that God so lovingly allows us to feel.
Ask Jesus to come into your heart and change you so that you can be transformed in mind, spirit, and body.
Friends, you will not believe how incredible and amazing it is to walk with God.
The best thing about living a life with Jesus at your side, is you are never alone.
He will never leave you or forsake you.
He is a refue and a place of comfort.
I come from a place where my heart has been broken so many time by my parents, guys I thought who loved me, and even just a state of depression I thought I could never get out of.
But God shined the light on me and showed me the greater things out there for me.
There is no catch to being a Christian, only benfits.
You will gain everlasting life and never have to worry another day of this trialsome life because God has a beautiful perfect plan for you.
Put your trust in Him and give all your struggles to God and give yourself the freedom to live in perfect, everlasting peace.
For all Eternity.
Come and find your freedom friends.
His arms are open and ready for you and He is running to you with all He has.
Accept His grace and knock on the door of life.
Any one of you who seeks will find.
Seek the Lord and He will come and shower with His glory, love, peace, strength, grace, and so much happiness you will burst from inside and your sould will be consumed in a joyous fire for life.
Come all you who are weary and finally find your rest.

I look to the past to see a ghost of someone I should have stood up for. I should have told her not to let someone use her as their ashtray.
I should have told her that things are more beautiful and that she is a light on the other side.
But most of all I should have told you that I deserve better and the blindness of the hurt you put on me was nothing compared to the glory that was coming.
I matter and I know that now.

Remember how you left me in the terminal?
You said never to let anyone tell me I'm not worth it.
But that's exactly what you said to me.
You said you loved me through your tear stained eyes and struggled to catch your breath heaving through the floodgates.
You said you would see me again one day and you told me you loved me again.
Then you slowly and regrettably strolled out of the doors forever and I haven't known your existence and love since that moment of defying torture.

One day you'll wake up with the worst anxiety.
It will be so overwhelming as if you're hit with a plummeting wave and now you're being pulled under.
Like the way you made me feel all those hot months.
This will be you realizing you let the greatest girl of your lifetime slip right through your fingers.
And the most frustrating part,
You'll never find someone more incredible, beautifully stunning, or brighter than she ever was and will be.
And she will be so far out of reach from your once ghastly tight grip on her.

Thank you.
For making me realize just how much you really didn't care.
For leaving me in the dark where I found the brightest light.
Thank you for being the biggest disappointment of them all, because if I could see the size of the blessing coming my way, I would've never given you a second thought when you left.

Love doesn't exist in romance,
Because romance doesn't last.
Love exists in the thing living inside of you,
The thing that gives you life and freedom and unconditional love.
Love is I Am.

The thing about dreams is they so badly want to become something other than a dream.
Dreams want to become real.
They crave reality, but oh they're so stuck in a fantasy.
Dreams have a dream of becoming something other than what they see in their sleep.

There's this moment.
The one where you can feel electricity moving from your body, desperately trying to reach the person next to you.
Where the familiar comes rushing back and all you crave is to be back in that old home.
A home where his arms felt so safe.
Where when you do connect and nothing can break it, you crave the touch of him next to you.
It begins to consume your mind how much you miss that touch and warmth.
You miss the moment when you two fit like puzzle pieces.
And there's the moment where you two think about each other and it's confirmed when you see his name flash up.
The moment where that moment becomes something you can again touch.
I've missed you.
I've missed the flawless way we fit.

I think there's something beautiful and organic about finding yourself.
Like sitting in a bookstore for hours uncovering the variety of stories you wish to encounter and the characters you're curiosity spuns about.
As well as the characters you've already come to learn in the same book you can never love too much.
Or the fact everyone knows you've been into a room because all the cabinets and drawers have remained wide open, a clear sign of your presence.
How you still have the same favorite song you did when you heard it as a little girl from Peter Pan.
How no matter how old you get you're reading taste does not.
The hunger for fantasy and unreality in her life never lessens,
she dreams of a world where things that are not real suddenly make sense, because of the nonsense.
She dreams of being a writer and seeing her words and name in the world because of her bold statement to Jesus.
Finding herself will not in the end be her reward, but all the small things that brought here there along the way.
She will never change for anyone's displeasure again,
for she is already so divine and pure.
One must come to love all the tiny imperfections each individual soul obtains.
I love my small annoyances, because at times that is what friends die laughing about in a moment.
Oh how important it is to find good friends.
In heartbreak and illness they are truly the ones who never leave your side.
The ones who show you what the best humanly love received is.
The sooner I could've learned that romance is nice, but not nice forever Oh how much happier she and I may have been.
How giving the key to your happiness to one mere human is the most obstrosity of a thing to do.
Finding a peace of mind in oneself and a hope that everything is going to be ok is the next lesson one must learn.
Only the dreamers in this world will survive, because they believe in a greater power, they believe truly, that everything they hope and want will certainly come to meet their gaze once upon their dream.
Only the dreamers will survive.
Only the believers will live.

A torrential, tranquil down pour from the heavens is the world sympathizing with you through Gods physical tears,
A most comforting and peaceful place to be, while he holds you in your promising future of happiness.

My mind, body, and soul feel sophrosyne.
Finally.

The dreams of what I hope and aspire to be are outweighing the pain of my past.
The excitement and beauty I see in my future are worth every bit of disappointment I've conquered.
Yes, the memories of my mind are tying a noose around a struggling heart, but love of my King is replacing it with a crown of worth.
I will grasp what I've always deserved and dreamt of.

Dear God,
I pray you bring me someone who adores me.
Who loves all the small irrelivant things about me and finds them completely relevant.
Who will ask me if its okay every time.
Who respects my opinions and beliefs even if he may not understand them.
Who will never belittle me by mentioning another girl.
Who won't provoke me for sport.
Who will appreciate the things I do for them especially if they become compromising.
Who will put my feelings and anxieties first if they pertain to their control.
Who will never make me worry about them for a minute.
Who won't make me question if it's okay to be mad about.
Who doesn't make me feel crazy except in a good way.
And most of all I pray that he will love you more than me.

What am I going to do when this is a real thing.
When I'm forced to notice you aren't there.
That you're never coming back.
I'm in so much pain.
So much fear and anxiety.
I just want to know you're going to come back this fall.
That you're not actually going away forever.
You're my best friend.
I don't understand.
I don't want to imagine this without you.
I'm terrified that I know you won't show up.
How is it that I'm never going to see you again.
It just hit me and I feel like I'm dying on the inside.
God please help I'm so afraid.
I still love you so much.
We were supposed to be together every night.
Waking up with one another in the morning.
But everything we talked about isn't happening because you left me.
And you won't ever be back.

I miss you so much. And I want to tell you and I want you to know I still love you somehow.
But what would be the point in even telling you.
You're something I want to move on from.
But something I wanted forever.
Your existence is bittersweet.
I've moved on.
But the memories haunt my dreamery.
Also telling me of the things I fear the most with you.
I want to be there for you, but why won't you be there for me?
Come back.
Be mine.
I hate that I love you so much.
And I couldn't explain one reason why I feel such a thing for you.

How can I possibly be hurt by you when God is standing by my side holding my hand, comforting me that in the end we've already won.

I laugh at the blindness I once experienced with you, for now I see everything through Gods eyes.
I see who you are.
And I see who I've always been.
Deserving and worth it.
Strong and independent.
Happy and confident in who she is.
Beautiful and innocent.
Most of all she believes and loves her creator more than she will any mere human.

Today my heart is building a bridge to come back together.
Friendship is a much stronger bond and exerts a deeper love than just the romance.
My heart is happy for all the support its receiving and the bonds that can never be broken.
A bond that only friendship knows.
They will always have me and I know I will in turn always have them by my side.
Friendship never leaves you, but love sure does friend.

Everything reminds me of you.
I cannot even gaze upon the sky because there lies our star, the brightest of them all.
But she looks to be fading and that's the scariest realization.
I want to tell you how I can't stop thinking of how much I love you.
How I wish I could make it go away but things do not work that sweetly.
I want to tell you that looking at our star I'm reminded of how you calmed me down by explaining how you loved all the annoying little trinkets I left behind.
How I loved when you whispered to me "everything little thing is going to be alright".
How I hate that saying goodbye to you has to be our last memory and how it was still the most terrifying task I've ever gone through.
Mostly I want to tell you how badly I wish I could get loving you out of my head.
Then again making love is something I always wanted to hold onto with you.
But God, your sweet lips and when our gazes met in the midst, it haunts this troubled mind all the day long.