How did I end up surrounded by people who need to leave this world to have fun?
Constant talk of bongs.
Lsd.
Shrooms.
***.
Alcohol.
I don't belong.
What's wrong with going out and seeing the world?
Explore the world.
Remembering what you're doing.
There lies so much more out there.
The things that I hope for.

I feel trapped inside my own head.
The thoughts cannot transcend into words.
I feel myself shutting down on the world.
But opening at the beginning of the light.

Why must I be so uptight.
It's not even my life.
I hoped so much more for you my darling.
That you would look around and love what you see.
That you wouldn't want those things.
That you would want for us.
I pray for you.
I'm in love with you.

Why is there pain.

I'm in love with him but I can't love him.
To be in love as a Christian young adult, that's almost impossible.
God says with him all things are possible.
Except being able to fully love him.
He makes me feel amazing and I love how he would do almost anything for me.
I want to give him everything he deserves but since I love God I can't.
I want him to just understand for a second what it's like to love God.
It feels like your very soul is so full of life that a fire will shine through.
The power of God is unfathomable.
If he loves me he should be willing to wait with me and in the end know that it was so worth it.
I love him so much and he doesn't even fully know because I can't show him.
I just want him to know that he's so quickly becoming my world.
That I've never loved anyone like I love him.
That just looking in those hazel blue eyes brings the biggest smile to my face.
That when he holds my gaze everything is perfect.
That when his smell runs into me I fall in love all over again from the memories.
That he makes me so unbelievably happy I never want to be without him.
That I wish I could give him everything he wanted and deserved.
I can't lose him over this.
It feels too good to call you mine.
I love You.

**** it feels good to miss someone.
It's been a while since I actually missed someone I dated.
I miss his smell,his touch, his warmth.
The smile he gives me before he kisses me.
The breath dancing on and between our lips while the suspense of them meeting builds.
I feel this insatiable urge to get these thoughts and urges out of my head and on this blank space.
I love the need I have and want to be with you, the excitement before I see you again.
The prediction of what will happen, their are so many possibilities of images floating around in my head.
I've only felt this way about someone once and it broke me, but you're the first person I've really wanted to try for again.
So because of that, you terrify me.

Why do I come here.
Where the frost lives.
The trees are in their fourth season.
Everything is dead, yet there is so much life in the creation.
I'm listening to the talk of Home.
It's so beautiful.
What you've done God.
I believe once you take notice in the beauty of things no one else does, you've come to know a new insight of happiness and creativity.
The limbs are something you'd see out of a horror movie, but no they couldn't be more mistaken.
My pen is dying and I'm sad.
So I guess now I'll read about the lost boys and Mr. Peter.

That moment when I catch him staring at me.
You know he's in love.
It's the way that any girl hopes she will be looked at at least once in her life.
The look of amazement and adoration in his blue and hazel eyes.
It's breathtaking that someone could show how in love they are with one look.
He's so beautiful to me.
This is a love that I feel lucky to know because it's better than any love story I've seen.

Even when we're miles away you're the closest thing to my head and heart.
I envy those blankets that get to be tangled up with you in the morning.
The pillow you lay your head on, as it should be my chest.
I miss those sweet lips that tell me good morning with a kiss on my flushed cheek.
The ones that compare me to sunshine and call me your love.  Always a million terrifying thoughts dancing around in my head but when you come to mind they quickly turn into a safe waltz.
You make the distance feel comforting that your love never wavers even 900 miles away.
We're strong together my love, that we can make it through this.
The hellos make all the goodbyes worth it.
Writing to you releases the thought of you not being here it's my outlet to missing you.
But God I miss that smile.