I’m getting bad again. Not the “I’m going to join a biker gang and drink whiskey.” No, it’s the “don’t keep the lights on, I’m never coming back” sort of feeling. How I can’t really tell you how I feel, and I don’t know why. So, please. Just let me go. It’s not that I want to do this to you. It’s that I want to do this to myself.

I’m stuttering, puttering. Any word you can think of to fill the void between “I don’t know” and “I know”. "Sometimes" works sometimes, but "always" works never. I just want to be able to say “this is how I feel” and tell you “why?” without feeling like my head will explode. I’m not a definition, or a number on a spectrum. I am a person, and my feelings should be more than just words to you.

Please don't tell me I am beautiful if you can't see past my sadness. Please don't tell me I'm kind unless you plan to walk a mile in my shoes. My body was a temple. Like a castle, it was guarded by a dragon and surrounded by a moat. Now I was left for dead, and my carcass is a museum for what happened to me. Just, I may not be able to change what happened, but I can and will choose where I go from here. My past is no longer in control. I am strong and thank god I stayed that way. My walls may have started crumbling down and yeah, the roof is caving in but things like that can be fixed. I will be fixed. You never come out the way you came, and I will make my own path out.

I had always hoped that I would get better, and I'd be able to go a day without thinking about death or crying or thinking about hurting myself. These days come and go, and I guess more or less I'm better than I've been. It's become easier to stare at the sun and actually be able to feel the warmth on my skin. It's become easier to breath, and maybe one day I won't want to die anymore. I can keep hoping all of these things come true and I can keep wishing I'll be better. What I'm trying to say is that I'm done wishing and hoping for change. My emotions are my own and I'm going to grab it by it's throat and tell it to cooperate. I'm done suffering. I'm done feeling this way. I will tie it to a tree and leave it out in the woods if I have to. This is my life, and I'm going to start living it.

I would like to drown my soul in happiness, and since I found you
That much has become true
I was scared that luck wouldn't follow through,
But believing can certainly help you
Even if we might be going down
I'll gladly go down swinging if it meant I got to spend more time with you
My only worry was you'd catch my cold
Full of acid and no soul
Bleaching the flowers in my heart,
And destroying every piece of my soft thoughts
I was afraid you'd cut yourself on my missing pieces,
But you've helped me find new ones
All I know is
I fell head over heals,
And you didn't hesitate to catch me

I have carved more lines in my thighs and up my hips, than there are trees in the forest behind my home. I have burned down more bridges than there are birds in the sky. I guess I have a knack for destroying, and a bad habit of letting go, because more often than not I feel like a noose hanging around your throat every time you don't speak and I don't want to be left alone so I guess I leave before I'm left. I've lost myself in an open field, and I'm too stubborn to run after myself. I'm blinded by the flowers and distracted by the sun, because the next thing I knew was that I was gone. There's no such thing as a search party for souls. There's no such thing as loving and letting go, and there's no such thing as a happy ending. So, I guess we're all ****** then.

I told you I wanted to be buried in a meadow. Drowned by wild flowers and the breeze. I told you that I wanted to know why birds sang and why the ocean never stopped kissing the shore. I told you that I wanted someone to love me the way a baby loves their mother, cradled in her arms fast asleep. I don't think you ever got what I was talking about. How you didn't understand that I was the broken one. My thoughts are as loud as the leafs being crushed underneath my feet in the autumn, and they are as quiet as the snow that swallows my lawn whole. My mind is a forest fire. Everything in it's path is destroyed, and there aren't any survivors. I told you that someone like me isn't worth caring for. That you might as well run while you still can. I don't think you heard me clearly because you told me that now that I'm in your life, you can't stand the thought of losing me.